Crawling out


Sometimes I just have to remember who I am and what I need to keep going. It’s been so long since I have written anything here and I feel like I don’t even know where to start.

I can get lost in looking to see what my last post was. I get lost with the 20 something other writings I have going on. All of them are close to me. Some are too close and some the memories and feelings I still am working though.

I’ve written volumes on loss. It seems this year has held more than enough loss for me and mine.

Loss of family and friends seemingly out of the blue has left me out of sorts.

It has brought the boy and I so much closer. His loss is different than mine but it is still loss and takes an emotional toll.

It has made me look hard at myself and see more clearly where I need to take action.

It has made me grieve my lack of action on relationships of those I cherish but I can’t seem to find or make time to connect with. The frustrating part is those I try and need to communicate with don’t reciprocate and I am left in a frustrated funk that I make myself climb out of.

I deserve a damn Emmy or Oscar or whatever for my performances of “I am doing okay” but yet I still chant my mantra of Keep Hope Alive.

This is not a pitty party. This is me climbing back out and making myself write again. I will not allow myself to sink any further.

Plus the boy has asked me why I don’t work at night anymore writing. I told him I thought he didn’t like me working at night. Even though it is usually after he is in bed and he would prefer I lay down with him for a bit! And then he told me that since I wasn’t writing as much, I don’t seem to be as happy. Like whatever I was typing or writing, the bad stuff gets out and I can shine again.

The whole out of the mouths of babes thing is so true. He sees where I am lacking and how I need to get around to it. He notices many things most adults miss.

So this is my pledge of at least once a week to write.

I have so much started, now I just need to finish and do it. Doing so will allow the rest of it to come out. To fall into the world.

I am crawling out of the tangles of my mind.

In the interim, please remember to tell those you love how you feel. Make the phone call or visit. Remember we all bleed the same. We are all members of the human tribe.

Keep Hope Alive.

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Life always keeps moving


Life definitely keeps on moving. Even when one life stops, the rest keep on moving. Some not as fast as others. Some closer to stopping with every breath. Yet others thrive and others get by pretty decently. Life always finds a way.

For me, life has moved both too fast and too slow lately. I know that I feel like I’ve been running races, and I do not run unless I am being chased or chasing a child for some odd reason!

My dear friend invited me to join a 30 day blogging challenge and although I failed miserably at blogging every day for 30 days, she did help me find my way back to blogging. I needed that. I can truly never thank her enough. Not that I wouldn’t have written ever again, but I just needed that kick to get going again!

So to those awesome folks who follow my blog, I have so much to say in the upcoming days, weeks and hopefully months and years.

Because life has, as always, provided me with more material than my blogging self can keep up with. Of course I have written in my journal, notebooks, post its and basically written a line or two about pretty much everything over the last 45 plus days!

The last 30 days of my life have been more challenging and emotional than I have had to deal with at once in a very long time. Some things I have handled well, others, well life can be raw and hard at times and remind you how fragile your very existence is at all times. We don’t always react and respond the way we’d like to. I can honestly say that I have completely lost my shit at times when I wish I had handled a situation with a bit more grace. But that is it though. Life isn’t always pretty. It’s not always pink and purple flowers, rainbows and unicorn farts no matter how much some would like to pretend it is. Sometimes life slaps you in the face and knocks you on your ass. Sometimes you have to crawl a long way before you can get back up. But it keeps moving. Life always keeps moving!

I hope that everyone has a fabulous day!

Keep Hope Alive!

Changes happen whether you want them or not


One doesn’t always know what is going to happen. You may have an idea, an inkling, a feeling or you may think everything is “just fine and dandy” and out of the blue KA-POW! Change hits you like you were not expecting it to. Dealing with that change can be a game changer in life as I know first hand!

Right now, in this very moment, I am going through some crazy changes in my life. I’ve got so many irons in the fires and had fires go out that trying to navigate from one minute to the next can be exhausting.

I’m a free spirited, OCD, single mom of The Boy. I am a romantic, realist, spiritualist, friend, sister, daughter, lover, girlfriend, human being. I am so many things that there isn’t a way to list them all without sounding arrogant or that I am touting my own self worth… Yet it seems that in today’s society I must “choose” a box for who I am to fit inside of. I don’t fit into any box.

Hello, we are constantly changing! Some days in small ways and others in larger ways. Employment, living, relationships, health, heart – all of these can change in an instant. At other times, it is in moments. They may take days, weeks or months to culminate into something larger, grander and maybe even change the course of one’s outlook on a certain aspect for the duration of ones life. Or maybe only for a short time. But it definitely changes the perspective in which we observe, respond and react to life.

These are the thoughts and ramblings in my mind. Daily. It’s an interesting place to dwell,

Keep hope alive!

 

I’m here so why not…


I have been writing. On notepad, post it’s, my journal and in my mind but just not here.

Life has been so real, so raw lately that I have thoughts and questions. I have opinions and epiphanies, but I haven’t been able to blog. It’s like writers blog but on a larger scale.

My amazing, I can’t believe she’s still cheering us on because she’s just awesome friend, is the one who got me back. I so owe her. I had been letting a part of myself fall away without realizing it. It to a #30dayblogchallenge to get me to write finally. You should check her out! Talk about an inspiration. This is someone I completely just admire and love. We’ve known each other a long time but until recently, I didn’t realize how precious of a human being she is! Just one of those blessed moments when I Truly needed it! https://throughsinaisand.blog/

Life, death, taxes, changes in relationships on so many level, some not so good, some downright craptastic and some, well some are miracles when you get down to it. Life is happening and I have to face that. Even when there are loved ones on their way out of this journey of life. Life goes on. How I choose to handle it is up to me. Some days I do all right, and other days, well, I try to not look to hit or smell poorly!

After all this is The Ride. Most days I love the ride. Some days I just need to slow down to figure out where I am on the ride.

Keep Hope Alive.

Remember to hug your family and friends if you can. Tell people how you feel. You never know when the last time is.

April 15th is another date on the calendar of our lives


I hear it everywhere, April 15th is a hard day…. I don’t know if I will make it.

Whether it’s taxes due, another day, or a day that is marked in your life – good or bad – it is also just another date in the calendar of our lives.

So my taxes are done – I felt like I should seriously shout that from the rooftops, however the getting up and down part aren’t as easy as it once was! For me, it’s just tedious and irritating but a necessary evil! But I did it! I rock! HA!

Today is also a weird “anniversary” if you will for me. I was married to someone I truly loved. They will always be a part of who I have become, but I realized this year that it’s been 13 years and our divorce was finalized on April 15th. It’s not a date I celebrate or openly acknowledge most of the time. But I realized it’s part of the fabric of who I am.

If not, please find a way to relax this evening! Everyone needs to relax a bit and everyone forgets!

I plan to hang with the boy!

So today, I hope your day is beautiful, peaceful and stress free.

Keep Hope Alive!

Freedom to be me again


Freedom to be me. Finally, at long last. It is about damn time!

I am tired of censoring everything.

This is my place to write.

I have so many irons in the fire and yet I haven’t produced a lot on here so it’s about time I got off my ass and wrote!

Lately, it has been a hell of a ride and I am still going!

I realize I just need to suck it up and take action! My mind never stops and if I can’t sleep I can write at least. I may be able to keep myself somewhat sane-ish

I have so much material from life! Lately it seems as if I am making notes daily. Endings. Beginnings. The cycle of life. Karma.

I am one stubborn woman and sometimes I am too nice. I pour myself into situations and loose bits of myself. I have no one to blame but myself.

I want to be angry, and trust me I can be, but sometimes the anger needs to be channeled properly to give it the fuel it needs to start the fire.

Misplaced anger is a dangerous thing!

So I am back into my writing and you, my fabulous readers, will be in for a treat!

I know it’s a bit sporadic, but I am back into the saddle!

Of course, I will over censor myself and my work but I realized in the middle of all of the chaos, I have to write.

I cannot help it if you strolled into my world and chose to be a part of it.

You became part of the fabric of who I am or shall I say how I now view things.

Good or bad I am only going for the truth and how I see things from my perspective.

How it is perceived once it is out there is how it is!

Fabulous Gracelessness is back y’all!

C’est la vie!

Have a fabulous day!

Keep Hope Alive!

 you own your story

 

 

Ramblings in the middle of the week


“You have to be honest with someone because if you’re not, you can’t feel their heart anymore.” The Boy, Wise beyond his 5 years.

 

I really have to thank my friend for challenging us to write for 30 days.

It’s been too long since I’ve blogged anything.

I felt like I couldn’t write on my own damn page.

I felt somewhat crippled by all that was going on in my life and putting anything out here would be misconstrued, used against me or poured over for some obscure meaning that has nothing to do with anything other demented delusions.

I felt overwhelmed with the prospect of writing and putting my thoughts and feelings “out there”.  

I never stopped writing of course. That isn’t an option for me! I have always written in journals and my hiatus from blogging was due to my hesitation to share any of my life publically. My journal is overflowing so of course I have topics… lots and lots of topics!

I often reflect, observe and replay my life over in my mind. I go through situations, conversations and emotions, both my own and others.

I often over analyze why I do certain things and react in certain ways.

In a nut shell, I may seem bat shit crazy, however, I try to be loyal, compassionate and honest with folks. More so with those I love and respect. I am just me.

I am happy to be back!

Keep hope alive for a fabulous Wednesday!

 

**Special shout out to my boy WD celebrating the big 21 today! So proud to be your crazy auntie!**

 

Sometimes I just don’t want to…


Do you ever have those days where you just don’t want to do Anything?!

Maybe because we got up so much earlier than usual on the Monday after spring break, I might add.

Maybe because I am on call all week and I don’t want to be.

Maybe the crazy weather is reeking havoc again on my lovely self so I am just not feeling it.

I want to lay down and sleep!

I want someone to just take care of it all because I don’t want to have to do anything!

Where’d that genie get off to?!

Yeah, sometimes I just don’t want to, but I do.

I owe some friends links to their page…I will get it done this week!

Keep hope alive!

Challenge accepted….. more like a kick in the pants!


So I am back… hopefully for at least the next 30 days or so! HA!

One of my friend, she’s a fabulous human I greatly admire actually, presented a challenge on the FaceBook to write for 30 days. Me thinking, “I did it for a year, I can do 30 days!” She’s quite talented and our back story is quite amusing! I’m just so thankful I have her now! Her and her amazing husband are inspirations to so many!

Of course, I wasn’t thinking about anything but the challenge and how much I miss writing here.

I wasn’t thinking about the time and commitment it takes to put out quality posts. I wasn’t thinking of my OCD and how I feel I owe it to anyone who decides to read my blog to get something entertaining, amusing or hoping to just feel a bit better.

I wasn’t thinking of how I have volumes written and how I will most likely hit a nerve or two coming back. I can’t help but write how I perceive things, right or wrong.

Yeah, I tend to over think a bit much! Possibly a topic within the next 30 days… something tells me I won’t go so long in between posts after this.

Just what I needed a good kick in the pants!

Fabulous Gracelessness has returned. I’ve never stopped writing, my blog just slowed a lot.

That changes as of today.

Never forget to keep hope alive!

Just an FYI, there are some fabulous humans also doing this challenge. While we are from all walks of life, we are supporting each other and I will be sharing links to their pages soon! Support your fellow writers!

 

Dear Daddy – 3 years later


Dear Daddy,

Three years can seem like just yesterday and also like a lifetime.

Today I plan to take your oldest grandson to school (I can’t believe he’s in kindergarten!), then off to work along with random errands tossed in. A somewhat normal sounding day, although I know, life changes in an instant.

You would be so proud of your grandson! Both of them! The Boy and Little H. Although he didn’t have the joy of meeting you, Little H knows about you. Through The Boy of course and our family, you were our rock.

Little H was born less than 2 months after you passed. A bundle of light in our sea of grief. You knew of him. I remember when they told you his name, Little bro and Sweet Sis were so excited. We were all so over the moon and the tears of love and happiness were only overshadowed knowing our time with you was short.

I over hear The Boy telling Little H stories about you. You have made it to super hero status in the eyes of your grandsons. You were always a superhero to me. The boy includes you in his nightly prayers, “God Bless GiGi and Pops”. Every time.

Sunday, February 9, 2014 was a crisp cool day. I knew we would have company, you were loved and admired by so many.

I got up and came downstairs with mama. Seeing you, I knew. I knew that I couldn’t know the time but I knew your journey here was nearly over. It was surreal. As I helped you get ready, I whispered words of encouragement and love. One of the many ways you always gave to me I was able to give back to you. You didn’t talk as much as your strength was waning, your body tired and sore from a long, hard fought battle. But you were at peace with this world and with God. You held onto my arm, your grip was firm. I remember because earlier you had apologized for not having as much strength… you looked into my eyes and told me You Love Me. Oh, Daddy, I love you too! I wish I had more time with you!

I went to the store three times that day. I went early to get some medicines and supplies we needed. I didn’t get the rest done until much later that day. The second time I went I had just gotten out of the car when Sweet Sis called me and said, “Come home now.” The lady next to me in the parking lot was declaring what a beautiful day it was. My expression had changed from smiling to panic, I guess. I just said, “I have to go. My daddy” and jumped in the car. I did hear her say, “Be safe and my prayer are with you child.”

It is only about 5 miles but I was home before I realized it. I’m pretty sure I may have broken a traffic law or two. Sweet Sis met me in the garage, opened the door and said, “Go”, with her eyes filled with tears of love and sorrow. I raced through the house, passing The Boy and Auntie, I knew she knew and said “I love you both!” A few steps later, I joined mama, Little Bro, Uncle and the rest of the family came in as we surrounded you at your bedside. A couple of friends who had come by to say their goodbyes to a great man who I called Daddy were also in the room.

We were all right there with you as you took your last earthly breath.

Time stopped.

As the tears ran down my face, I looked at mama and little bro…I could hear Uncle praying. I felt your arm beneath my hands and you were still warm.

There but yet not there.

As I raised my face up, the tears blurring my vision and cries choking my words, I saw and felt this beautiful, warm sunshine hazy mist. It was all around us, enveloping us almost.

I realized it was you. Comforting us. Helping us to find a peace within our grief as it was so overwhelming.

You were no longer feeling the pain and suffering of the disease that had held you for too long. You were free! Free in ways we can only imagine. As I felt my deepest, most painful loss, I saw and felt your love around us.

I sometimes find it so hard to remember that. Selfishly, I want you here. I Need you, Daddy. I need your advice, your guidance, but mostly, I just need to feel your arms around me because no matter what I know that you love me. I was always safe in your arms from the time I started my journey. I always knew my Daddy would protect me.

As you say, life does go on. It is definitely not always easy. Lately, it has been pretty challenging and I find myself talking to you more.

I am beginning to understand that maybe I know some of the steps I need to take – actions not always words! I also know I miss you more than I knew it was possible to miss someone. Someone who was ALWAYS there for me and truly loved me unconditionally when I know I was tough to even like at times. You always told me I was harder on myself than everyone else was. Sometimes you said I needed to be. Other times, I need to lay off myself. The second part isn’t always so easy for me as you know.

I know that I will get through this day. If I am blessed, I will live to see tomorrow and another day with my miracle boy. I have a loving family, a boyfriend and his son who I know love me, as well as an amazing group of friends who are like family…you know how we somewhat adopt folks and keep them for life! Most you’ve met, some I wish you could meet. I still always Keep Hope Alive!

I just couldn’t let today go by without writing you a letter. It’s probably better than sitting at the gravesite rambling away, laughing and crying! I will probably do that too, at least not too many will hopefully not see that part!

I am so thankful that I had you as my father. I know I was truly blessed.

I love you, Daddy.

Always.