Aging the way I do… Fabulously Graceless style


We are all dying – Sylvia Plath

 As I get older, and lordy does it pain me to even go there, I realize how I am expected to respond to things that happen to my body.

It’s not like I am playing dodge cars in the afternoon traffic or anything. No, it’s “just the aging process” and apparently some areas age faster than others.

For me it’s internal things, for the most part, that have the most failings.

People perceive me as “having it together” which sends me into gales of hysterical laughter because I am the Atlantic ocean away from “having it together” but by golly I am trying! Keep Hope Alive!

I love how social media shares those little gems of things you posted.

4 years ago I wrote:  “Nothing like falling with “style”, as we all know this gracelessness is out for me!

Picture it… Me landing like a ninja IN PUBLIC with witnesses that eventually ask “Are you ok mam? I thought you were kneeling down”

Really?! Mam?! On a sidewalk, in a dress, holding a child and a diaper bag and you think I am kneeling? What is wrong with you and Why did you have to see that?!” These are the days of my life.  

Watching a bare minimum of TV through the years even I caught the “fight the aging battle” & “never grow old gracefully” slogans aimed towards women of which I am now in that age group. I was a faithful follower of Oil Of Olay for many years then I began trying different products.

The skin is the largest organ on our bodies so I have generally worked to take care of it with lotions and creams to keep it moisturized. What can I say, I can be a weirdo about it. It rubs the lotion on its skin… yeah weirdo!

I also did that whole “wash that grey right outta my hair” at an early age due to premature greying. Plus I loved the purples and deep magenta colors along with classic black.

I obviously don’t try to pretend it’s au natural either! Let’s be real, it’s not a color you see in nature, as in no human is born with that color hair! After I hit about 35ish I decided I needed to stop with the purples/burgundies and magentas and go with dark brown/black because it really does look “more natural”. However, I have gotten the color bug on occasion over the years and do a deep burgundy because it’s fun and why not?! It’s hair! If it’s bad I can just throw another dark color on it and it tones down the “not natural” but definitely fun look. No harm no foul. I mean at least my pants aren’t hanging around my ankles! Sorry that seriously bothers me and if the boy decides it cool, it will most likely be a weggie with belt combo he sports for a few days until he relearns how to pull up his pants! I will probably allow him to color his hair though depending on school dress code though. Gah, that made me feel old!

I also “try” to exercise… well actually exercise is how you define the word. I define it as doing a whole lot of cleaning, cooking, moving about the house as well as running after children. I should get something for that I think. I don’t join gyms, bad experiences with gyms and strange people, and I do the random exercises at times when I feel like things aren’t working properly with the body. I do use the boy to do leg lift squat things with him as superman monkey… that really does not translate well to written word at all! I lay on my back, he lays across my shins and I hold his arms and basically lift him up 20 times a few times a week. The monkey part was added when he crossed it with Donkey Kong in his verbiage due to the extra movement he added. Trust me it is a work out! Plus there is laughter and my long forgotten stomach muscles a sore in that good kind of way where they haven’t been used in years. I’m looking forward to more outings involving walking and such as he is finally at an age where walking distances are easier for him. Plus my spine cannot carry that child long distances anymore! My baby’s getting to be to be carried and it’s probably a good thing because I am not ready for spine replacement just yet!

I guess the best thing I do for myself is stay in contact and spend time and space with those people who charge me up. Those people that inspire me and make me want to do more, be more. Those that help me keep going even when I don’t want to. Obviously the boy is a given, but there are so many humans that help me in both large and small ways that keep me going and fill me with happiness, hope and love. Some are close and some are far, but all of them have a special place in me that can’t always be articulated but is filled with all things needed to help fuel me – mind, body and soul.

So while we all may be dying, I am choosing to age and die my way… Fabulous Graceless!

I can’t write and molly coddle any more… I just can’t


I open my mind and the feelings pour onto the page. I cannot stop my flow of thought any more than I can stop the wind or the rain.

I am tired, so very tired, of trying to censor my thoughts. I am completely done with hand holding and molly coddling because someone may “think” the wrong thing about what I am writing.

10 minutes, 10 days or ten years you may have known me but you do not know what I really mean from these thoughts. They are only what you perceive them to be. I could be exuberant of I could be cutting it all depends on what I am feeling and how it comes out from me.

You and yOu and yoU and YOU… all think that I speak of You. Yet it isn’t You, but yOu. Or is it yoU? Maybe YOU?

For me all that matters is being able to try and articulate my perceptions, thoughts and feelings.

It is a cleansing, a spewing, an emptying if you will. It is what I do and how I do it. I may try to bring you into my mind or I may leave it up for your interpretation. I may not even being saying anything more than random utter nonsense.

I may be writing for another, expressing their pain through my writing because they cannot and know I would never betray my confidences but yet their pain becomes my pain. Therefore I can only chose to get it out the best way I know how before it eats at my soul and takes root in the seeds of depression that have come of their cleansing.

For that is a part of who I am and how I tick, the taking on of the emotions and feelings of others. It is another layer of me. I can turn it down but I can never turn it off. I am not sure that I want to though at times I have thought about it. I was able to stop the dreams for a time, but I realized that a part of me was under nourished and withering by trying to suppress something that is in me, has always and will always be a part of me. Even if I don’t want it to be it is there. By denying it, I was denying my soul the nourishment from that source and making my mind more miserable. Slowly I let myself dream. I learned from myself and am still healing.

We do things to help others and are our own worst enemies because we don’t give ourselves the basic components of what we need to be us. We give our money, our time, our very selves to others yet we don’t take enough time to do some very basic things for ourselves, whatever that may be.

My choice to write a public blog and put it out there: to be loved, hated, criticized or ignored was a growth within me from years of cultivation of life experience of mine and others. For me it took a huge amount of faith in myself to believe I could do it. And I have done it and continue to do so.

As I slide towards the one year mark of blogging, I am learning more and more what I need to do as a blogger and a writer.

I need to stop worrying and molly coddling and hand holding and “what if” second guessing myself and what I write. Only then will I be able to be the best writer I can be. It isn’t just blogging, but in all aspects of my writing and my very existence.

So all of the you’s worrying, just stop. It isn’t worth it.

I’m working on me and healing my soul and sharing my thoughts, feelings, rants, poems, goofiness and sometimes even useful information.

Fabulous Gracelessness, Lady Maos, Crazy Mama that I am, I am still only human. I still have flaws. They are just a bit fabulous though.

I don’t plan to stop any time soon.

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Look into the mirror and judge


I wonder why you can’t see your flaws.

You can see mine and everyone else’s.

You can judge and whip up words to try and cut.

You forget others are not ignorant and not everyone has to do as you say because you believe you are in the right.

You think your material items are the way to happiness. I admit it is fun to have nice things, but there is a reality called overkill, too much or you’re just a narcissist and believe you are better than others.

Many of us can find happiness in the little things and the intangible. It seems that works better in the long term for your soul.

One of those things that concern me is how you say you are so empathetic and you feel so deeply for people, yet you can judge others without fully knowing them. You can look at a woman and deem her not worthy because you feel she doesn’t have the right look, breeding or that she can’t be “trained” to “bend” to how you think she should be.

When she changes for herself, not realizing the change isn’t fully refined in all areas and as she is working out the kinks, you insult her and judge her as you stomp on her heart and walk away.

She won’t come after you.

Why would she beg you to not go and to be treated so subserviently by someone who clearly does not know where they are going in their own life?

You are so miserable you feel the need to drag her down with you.

You don’t see the need for change in yourself yet may admit to some “issues”. Yet you don’t see you as the “issue” at all because you’re above that.

Why does it even matter when you walked away from her?

Why do you care about her now when you stopped caring so long ago?

Why do you care what people think about you when you judge them to begin with?

Maybe you need a long look into the mirror.

Maybe you need to face the judge.

Filter-less


To live my life without filters. I wonder how that would go? If I actually said every thought that crossed my mind, how many people would be offended/mad/happy/laugh? I wonder.

If every piece I wrote was put out on display for all to see, would some be offended? Would there be backlash? Would I get calls/texts/emails asking if I was “OK”? I know I would get, “Who are you talking about?” I know some people would think it was them… they may be right and they may be wrong. I take my experiences and wrap them together. They could span days or years and be a culmination of my feelings as a whole, not for a particular circumstance. Or I could be taking the  experience shared by another and writing about it.

I am working very hard to tear down the walls of my filter. I have the problem of when I speak letting my thoughts just roll straight out of my mouth, however I find myself censoring my writing. I’m strange that way. Somehow I need to find that balance.

I need to not worry so much when I write that someone may be offended or concerned. I need to worry more when I speak than when I write.

I need to stop this censorship of self. I need to let go of the filters. I need to be me.

Ch-ch-changes are happening!


Ch-ch-changes are happening in my life right now!

It is exciting, maotic and crazy all at once… like I expect my life any other way!

My office is finally going to be more than a shoe box! I have been working hard since I started to help grow the company I work with and grow we have – doubled what was going on when I started! It’s exciting and a bit terrifying at the same time. Better office, more responsibilities and I am sure a bit more stress! But that is what life is all about right?! Personally I am excited!

My personal life is always so up in the air but I am in a happy place right now. In fact, it is nice to not have to worry about someone being upset with me for not being where they feel I need to be. Being accepted for who and what you are makes life easier to handle. Of course the boy always accepts me for me, no matter what. That is a beautiful thing to know that someone loves you no matter what and that it is an unconditional love. I have wonderful family and friends both near and far away. I miss those who aren’t as close, but we know we have each others backs when needed even if we can’t physically be there for each other.

Yes I can feel the changes in the air and I see the changes on the horizon.

All I can say is Keep Hope Alive and bring it on!

Change, be it good or bad, is going to happen. It’s all in how you deal with it. I chose to go into the day with hope, happiness and of course my own fabulously graceless style!

Have a beautiful day!

New week, hopes and thoughts


The emotions, actions, love, loss, keep on swimming, struggle is real and general maos of the last week and weekend have been a bit overwhelming.

Today as we head into a new week I hope and pray for just a bit of peace for everyone.

We have all been through, and probably still going through some crazy life changes/challenges. Big or small and sometime both – making it hard to breathe and harder still to just be calm and be. It’s like something in the air making every being susceptible to its sorcery. Maybe it’s just this time of year.

They say April showers bring May flowers.

And sometimes it snows in April. Sometimes it feels so right.

Other times it just feels off.

You know those quizzes and psychological questions that ask you where you will be in 10 years? Or where you see yourself in 10 years? I was thinking about that recently and realized where I thought I would be and where I am are totally different. Like apples and Twinkies kind of different.

I guess the nostalgia of past memories and life coupled with the reality, awe and sometimes shock at where I am now hits me. It wraps around me like a woolen blanket making me slightly uncomfortable yet it opens my mind to a better view of where I thought I would be, where I am and where I realistically hope to be sooner rather than later.

Life moves pretty fast. It seems the older I get the faster it moves. I am thinking I may need knee, hip, and spine replacement along with some good shoes to run in to keep up. Or I just need to win the lottery and get a personal assistant! Ya gotta have dreams!

So on this fabulous Monday I want to wish you all a Fantastically Fabulous Day from one Fabulously Graceless Lady Maos!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

 

 

 

 

Writing my blog and what I am thinking… I need to not filter myself


I write how I feel and what I am thinking.

I write goofy poems, rhymes and sometimes nonsense.

I write stories and thoughts from other’s lives and things they’ve shared with me or that I have observed.

Often my words have been taken out of context.

Some have tried to use my own words against me.

Some have contacted me and thanked me for sharing as it reflected their own life.

I have received calls, texts and emails asking if I am okay. I can promise you, if it is here, I have most likely processed it and I am doing just fine…probably. Sometimes I allow myself to write raw. That can be dangerous as I just “let it go” and spew onto the paper. Sometimes I keep those and don’t let anyone see it. Sometimes it’s better that way.

When I chose to start a blog, I just did it. I had been told I couldn’t do it or I couldn’t commit to it for even a month. Most of those people aren’t around me anymore. The others I guess are eating their words.

I didn’t know how easy it was but also it is harder too. It’s like a double edge sword.

I still feel somewhat censored but I am working on that. Sometimes saying how you feel is a good thing. Other times even though it is cathartic for me, I may not sound so nice to others. That I even care is impressive to me.

I have always been the one marching to her own beat and being a bit of a rebel.

My blog is MY BLOG. Yet I find myself filtering myself. How ironic is that?

I am seeing what I really need to work on through my writing.

In writing, I find myself again.

 

Happy Birthday Mama!


Happy birthday to my beautiful, amazing mama!

The world is a little brighter, a little better and a lot more awesome because of you!

You have loved me, tolerated and put up with my maos for 45 years and you still look barely 50! That’s good looks right there!

The lady that can and does, run circles around me and her grandsons! She’s athletic, graceful and the best dancer!

She is an amazing wife, mother, grandmother, family and friend.

I truly and blessed to have her as mine.

I often say my brother is her favorite and I am second or third if my “sister” is here. I say it jokingly and with love.

It is hard between mothers and daughters. I completely understand that more so now that I have a son of my own. But I am so grateful for all that she taught me about being a mama and loving your child no matter what.

I am thankful she is in my life and loves me, no matter what. I know it’s not easy!

Happy Birthday Mama!

Happy Earth Day to you all!

Keep Hope Alive!

*I don’t post mama’s photo because she is too beautiful to see and because that may be the very thing I send her over the edge with, but take my word she is a beautiful lady inside and out!*

 

 

The leftovers


I don’t go out to eat too often. Well, let me amend that. I don’t go out to fancy restaurants often!

Usually when I go out, unless it’s some overpriced trendy place that serves micro portions, I end up with a leftover box/doggy bag.

Throughout the years I have left my leftovers at the table in the restaurant, made it inside with it but never ate it, left it in the fridge for day and left it in the car overnight among other things. However, recently food was left in my car for 3 days! We thought we had left it at the restaurant plus there were children involved…anything is understandable with kids!

leftovers

But one has to wonder why did I not smell it?! I wondered the same thing until I realized how awesome those to-go containers are they have these days in nicer restaurants! Also, I did NOT open said container. A bloomin’ onion from Outback had been in there for days. Temperatures had risen to above 80 so that means it was hotter in the jeep for several days. Nope, not even gonna torture myself with that one!

So that leftover went into the trash.

Sadly it had been wanted the night we had purchased it and thought it had been left behind in the madness.

Anyone else do this?!

I know I am not the only one!

Keep Hope Alive!