crazy mama

Crawling out

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Sometimes I just have to remember who I am and what I need to keep going. It’s been so long since I have written anything here and I feel like I don’t even know where to start.

I can get lost in looking to see what my last post was. I get lost with the 20 something other writings I have going on. All of them are close to me. Some are too close and some the memories and feelings I still am working though.

I’ve written volumes on loss. It seems this year has held more than enough loss for me and mine.

Loss of family and friends seemingly out of the blue has left me out of sorts.

It has brought the boy and I so much closer. His loss is different than mine but it is still loss and takes an emotional toll.

It has made me look hard at myself and see more clearly where I need to take action.

It has made me grieve my lack of action on relationships of those I cherish but I can’t seem to find or make time to connect with. The frustrating part is those I try and need to communicate with don’t reciprocate and I am left in a frustrated funk that I make myself climb out of.

I deserve a damn Emmy or Oscar or whatever for my performances of “I am doing okay” but yet I still chant my mantra of Keep Hope Alive.

This is not a pitty party. This is me climbing back out and making myself write again. I will not allow myself to sink any further.

Plus the boy has asked me why I don’t work at night anymore writing. I told him I thought he didn’t like me working at night. Even though it is usually after he is in bed and he would prefer I lay down with him for a bit! And then he told me that since I wasn’t writing as much, I don’t seem to be as happy. Like whatever I was typing or writing, the bad stuff gets out and I can shine again.

The whole out of the mouths of babes thing is so true. He sees where I am lacking and how I need to get around to it. He notices many things most adults miss.

So this is my pledge of at least once a week to write.

I have so much started, now I just need to finish and do it. Doing so will allow the rest of it to come out. To fall into the world.

I am crawling out of the tangles of my mind.

In the interim, please remember to tell those you love how you feel. Make the phone call or visit. Remember we all bleed the same. We are all members of the human tribe.

Keep Hope Alive.

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Life always keeps moving

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 2 Comments

Life definitely keeps on moving. Even when one life stops, the rest keep on moving. Some not as fast as others. Some closer to stopping with every breath. Yet others thrive and others get by pretty decently. Life always finds a way.

For me, life has moved both too fast and too slow lately. I know that I feel like I’ve been running races, and I do not run unless I am being chased or chasing a child for some odd reason!

My dear friend invited me to join a 30 day blogging challenge and although I failed miserably at blogging every day for 30 days, she did help me find my way back to blogging. I needed that. I can truly never thank her enough. Not that I wouldn’t have written ever again, but I just needed that kick to get going again!

So to those awesome folks who follow my blog, I have so much to say in the upcoming days, weeks and hopefully months and years.

Because life has, as always, provided me with more material than my blogging self can keep up with. Of course I have written in my journal, notebooks, post its and basically written a line or two about pretty much everything over the last 45 plus days!

The last 30 days of my life have been more challenging and emotional than I have had to deal with at once in a very long time. Some things I have handled well, others, well life can be raw and hard at times and remind you how fragile your very existence is at all times. We don’t always react and respond the way we’d like to. I can honestly say that I have completely lost my shit at times when I wish I had handled a situation with a bit more grace. But that is it though. Life isn’t always pretty. It’s not always pink and purple flowers, rainbows and unicorn farts no matter how much some would like to pretend it is. Sometimes life slaps you in the face and knocks you on your ass. Sometimes you have to crawl a long way before you can get back up. But it keeps moving. Life always keeps moving!

I hope that everyone has a fabulous day!

Keep Hope Alive!

Changes happen whether you want them or not

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 2 Comments

One doesn’t always know what is going to happen. You may have an idea, an inkling, a feeling or you may think everything is “just fine and dandy” and out of the blue KA-POW! Change hits you like you were not expecting it to. Dealing with that change can be a game changer in life as I know first hand!

Right now, in this very moment, I am going through some crazy changes in my life. I’ve got so many irons in the fires and had fires go out that trying to navigate from one minute to the next can be exhausting.

I’m a free spirited, OCD, single mom of The Boy. I am a romantic, realist, spiritualist, friend, sister, daughter, lover, girlfriend, human being. I am so many things that there isn’t a way to list them all without sounding arrogant or that I am touting my own self worth… Yet it seems that in today’s society I must “choose” a box for who I am to fit inside of. I don’t fit into any box.

Hello, we are constantly changing! Some days in small ways and others in larger ways. Employment, living, relationships, health, heart – all of these can change in an instant. At other times, it is in moments. They may take days, weeks or months to culminate into something larger, grander and maybe even change the course of one’s outlook on a certain aspect for the duration of ones life. Or maybe only for a short time. But it definitely changes the perspective in which we observe, respond and react to life.

These are the thoughts and ramblings in my mind. Daily. It’s an interesting place to dwell,

Keep hope alive!

 

I’m here so why not…

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 2 Comments

I have been writing. On notepad, post it’s, my journal and in my mind but just not here.

Life has been so real, so raw lately that I have thoughts and questions. I have opinions and epiphanies, but I haven’t been able to blog. It’s like writers blog but on a larger scale.

My amazing, I can’t believe she’s still cheering us on because she’s just awesome friend, is the one who got me back. I so owe her. I had been letting a part of myself fall away without realizing it. It to a #30dayblogchallenge to get me to write finally. You should check her out! Talk about an inspiration. This is someone I completely just admire and love. We’ve known each other a long time but until recently, I didn’t realize how precious of a human being she is! Just one of those blessed moments when I Truly needed it! https://throughsinaisand.blog/

Life, death, taxes, changes in relationships on so many level, some not so good, some downright craptastic and some, well some are miracles when you get down to it. Life is happening and I have to face that. Even when there are loved ones on their way out of this journey of life. Life goes on. How I choose to handle it is up to me. Some days I do all right, and other days, well, I try to not look to hit or smell poorly!

After all this is The Ride. Most days I love the ride. Some days I just need to slow down to figure out where I am on the ride.

Keep Hope Alive.

Remember to hug your family and friends if you can. Tell people how you feel. You never know when the last time is.

Happy Birthday to my little brother and Happy Father’s Day to all the true fathers

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 2 Comments

I know it’s been a while since I posted anything, however I realized I could not pass up the opportunity to wish my “baby” brother a very fabulous 42nd birthday. Lil bro, I hope you get all of the answers to the universe! You deserve it. I know I don’t tell you enough, but I am so proud of you and I truly love you so much. I know there were times when we wanted to take each other out, but I am so glad we have not only grown closer, but genuinely enjoy each other’s company. You are a man I know daddy would be proud of. I love you my brother! You are also a fabulous dad. I know you had the best example of a father. I know we both miss him more than most people know. He’s the one who showed us how to treat others and to be a man among me. We were blessed/lucky and so fortunate to have him as our father.

I know many fathers. Some aren’t so good, some are good and others are out of this world. Every one of them are human. I know moms that are both mom and dad. I know single fathers who are both dad and mom. These amazing humans who give for their children, and children who are not even “biologically” theirs, day after day because they want to, not because they have to. They aren’t fair weather parents, they are hard core, full on dads.

My complete and utter respect of all of those fathers. May you all have an excellent Father’s Day! Whether you are with your child or not, know there are those of us who are rooting for you and thank you for being a father and actually caring.

I hope you all have a wonderful and fabulous day!

This Fabulously Graceless crazy mama is going spend the day with an amazing father and hopefully make his day a little better for all that he does for his son.

I’m wishing my brother, uncle, friends and family the best of Father’s Day!

Keep Hope Alive!

It’s been a Year…and I will not stop!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

One year ago today I started writing FabulousGracelessness not having any clue as to what I was doing. I am still not completely sure but I know I am now a blogger! I love to write, I love a challenge and I did the unthinkable for me at the time… I started writing a blog and posting every day. I promised myself I would write daily for 365 days in a row. I could write more if I wanted, but I could not write any less. Sometimes it was easy and other times it was definitely not.

Today I have reached my one year milestone of daily blogging!

I look and I see the amazing progress I have made.

I actually have over 50 followers!

It’s mind boggling to me that a bit over 50 people are interested enough in my babblings to “follow” me! It’s also a bit scary because hello?! Following me can be dangerous!

I do know I will never stop writing. I can’t. It is a part of me. I know that I if I don’t write, I will wither in my soul.

I don’t think I will write daily. I will write often but I am not sure if I am down for pushing myself that hard. It’s like taking a break, but not. I am hoping to be able to focus more on writing other things. Things that may pay me for a change and not .5 cents a word!

Also, since I started blogging so many things in my life have changed, some in ways I was not expecting. I wasn’t working full time and I was dedicating my time to writing, household and family. It was harder than I thought it would be especially after I started working, first part-time and then full time. Some days it felt like a chore, and I never want that feeling about my personal blog because I enjoy writing and I would prefer to write my thoughts/opinions/observations/ideas & feelings here and there than just writing that is hit and miss daily. In this realm I am in charge and it feels good to know where I stand and where I need to be in my own self.

I know I have learned that I have an endless well of thoughts, feelings and information stored within me. I pull from that to try and form coherent thoughts, feeling and ideas with folks. I read, learn, talk, share and listen with others. Life offers so much if we just pay attention.

I think that is one of the many things I have learned through my writing… to be more creative, to observe and think on what I see. I try to write what I hear, feel and see. Sometimes I try to be objective but other times I write solely from my perspective.

I’ve learned that it sets me free to write. Words have power. Words communicate thoughts and feelings that are often unsaid.

I thought I would have some insight into writing and the blogging world. The truth is I am still learning. I know that blogging is helping me become a better human because it gives me an outlet to put my words out there. I may not always be able to articulate things. I may sometimes write rubbish and nonsense. The thing is, I write it, not anyone else. No ghost writer or guest blogger, still learning what that is for the record, just Fabulously Graceless me.

Now I see FabulousGracelessness as being my platform to keep putting my thoughts and views into the world. Only this time, I am not placing such a harsh schedule on myself! I know I can do it! After all, I have done it daily for a year.

I am pretty proud of myself!

Thank you to everyone who reads my blog!

I will be back soon with more tales of my crazy life!

Keeping hope alive for an even better second year!

I will not be going quietly into anything!

KEEP HOPE ALIVE!

DREAMS DO COME TRUE!

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Things that matter to me

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Things that really matter to me

My son

My family… well most of them, some of them are quite crazy

My friends who are always there no matter what

My boyfriend and his awesome son

My job because I love taking care of others even when it makes me crazy

My health so I can do all the things I need to do, not just what I want to do

Having a roof over the boy’s head

Making sure the boy is cared for and knows that he is LOVED

Making sure those I love Know that I love them for who they are, not what they can do for me

Writing… I always knew and writing my blog confirmed for me it is something that makes me feel whole

Being kind to others, because sometimes you may be the only person who is nice to someone and it can make a difference

Having food to fuel my body and soul

Always having hope because hope leads to happiness which leads to love which gives you the ability to get through the storms in life knowing that you have hope, you’ll find happiness and life is so much better with love

Keep hope alive

Barely closer to the weekend and closer to my one year mark

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

One day closer into the week by a gnat’s hair.

I am also on the downward slide of writing daily for an entire year.

365 days in a row.

I’ve written more than once a day at times, but I made a promise to myself I would write daily. So far, I have stuck to it. It is not easy, but then I never thought I would be able to start a blog, much less be able to put something out daily. I know some days have really sucked content wise but other days, I feel like I put my all into it. It has been hard but it has been worth it!

I have learned more about myself and how people close to you react when you write publicly. That has been worth writing about for both recent and future content!

I have had some people that have stayed with me and others who are no longer in my life. I have lost friends and family in this past year. I have loved and lost and loved again. I am in love now and it is a beautiful thing.

Life has happened.

Life keeps happening.

So on this beautiful Tuesday, I wish you all Hope for a fabulous day!

Always Keep Hope Alive!

You never know what’s going to happen next… Live!

 

Fabulous hope for a new week

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

I’m hoping this week starts out fabulous!

It’s a brand new week and I know that it is going to be what I make of it so I am choosing Fabulous!

There is so much to be thankful for in life.

I have plenty of regrets and what ifs, but I can’t continuously dwell on all of my shortcomings. I know them all. Much better than those who can so effortlessly point them out to me!

So for those who chose to point out the negatives, just please go! No time for you today!

Life is happening, goals to accomplish, lists to cross off… I pray that it is not too maotic and that good things really do happen.

Keep hope alive!!!

 

I see, I feel, I find

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

I see beauty in the everyday things

My son’s sleepy smile

The purple sky photo

The rocks in the yard

The flowers starting to bud

The sun streaming through the window

Her laughter through the maos

The smile on his face

I feel love in the little things

A touch

A smile

A tear

I find myself in these things in life