Ramblings in the middle of the week


“You have to be honest with someone because if you’re not, you can’t feel their heart anymore.” The Boy, Wise beyond his 5 years.

 

I really have to thank my friend for challenging us to write for 30 days.

It’s been too long since I’ve blogged anything.

I felt like I couldn’t write on my own damn page.

I felt somewhat crippled by all that was going on in my life and putting anything out here would be misconstrued, used against me or poured over for some obscure meaning that has nothing to do with anything other demented delusions.

I felt overwhelmed with the prospect of writing and putting my thoughts and feelings “out there”.  

I never stopped writing of course. That isn’t an option for me! I have always written in journals and my hiatus from blogging was due to my hesitation to share any of my life publically. My journal is overflowing so of course I have topics… lots and lots of topics!

I often reflect, observe and replay my life over in my mind. I go through situations, conversations and emotions, both my own and others.

I often over analyze why I do certain things and react in certain ways.

In a nut shell, I may seem bat shit crazy, however, I try to be loyal, compassionate and honest with folks. More so with those I love and respect. I am just me.

I am happy to be back!

Keep hope alive for a fabulous Wednesday!

 

**Special shout out to my boy WD celebrating the big 21 today! So proud to be your crazy auntie!**

 

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Ramblings on a Tuesday


There are times that I have so much going on inside of my mind that I get to the point I have no idea what I want to write about. Setting a deadline for oneself can be a true challenge. I know I am harder on me than most people are, but I can’t help it. I am working on that!

Writing is such as release, such freedom and it helps me from the inside out. It is also a beast to have words, stories, poems and thoughts in one’s head and not be able to convey or articulate what one is feeling.

We can go through so many emotions in a short span of time. Elation, embarrassment, anger, love, hurt, depression, joy and shock. Just a few of the emotions that can be experienced on any given day all within hours, or even minutes.

You thrilled to be celebrating your latest achievement. You realize that your friend who is celebrating with you has had one too many celebratory drinks and is now talking you up to the local bowling club. The rude person in the other car is weaving in and out of traffic, nearly causing accidents and gets your blood boiling on the way home. You get home and find a love letter from your child but find out that a relative has left you off the guest list for a family party because you aren’t important enough. You wander to the kitchen to find your loved one picked up your favorite ice cream. As you are savoring the delicious treat the phone rings and you find out someone you love was in a fatal car accident.

Life changes in an instant. We never know what tomorrow will hold, or the next moment.

We toss out words like “love” and “hate” with no real feeling behind them. Lip service to appease.

I know my “I love you” is sincere, but I question others. Not the ones that I know love me, but those who say it to try to get on my good side or get something from me. I got my BS detector ages ago and I know how to use it!

It may just be me, but it seems the “love thy neighbor as you love thyself” is forgotten because you don’t even know your neighbor. You just judge them because they were loud last weekend when you were supposed to get to sleep in but they had a birthday party for their kid and it got a bit rowdy. Did you even go by and say hello, offer to help or do you just assume that they are bad people because of one incident?

I was convinced one of my neighbors had unruly children. I could hear them in the yard with their loud talking, trash talk and bashing of others. Then I heard them at it again, except this time, mama must have come home early. Because then I hear her, voiced raised, “We live in a nice neighborhood. Voices carry. You are all acting as if you were raised in the wild. You were not taught this way nor will this continue.” I sit, hidden, on my porch silently cheering for the mama and feeling guilty because I was being judgmental.

Truth be told if someone heard me and my boy sometimes it could sound like we are good old rednecks acting crazy in the yard. We are acting a bit crazy as we ride bikes, draw with sidewalk chalk, play ball all while making up silly songs from opera to country making each other laugh. We aren’t exactly quite either. Voices carry.

I guess I am writing about feeling and emotions. More like rambling than writing but then that’s ok too. It’s what I do here at fabulous gracelessness. Let loose my thoughts on the world. Sometimes it makes sense, other times it doesn’t. Oftentimes I get emails or messages saying “I am so glad someone else could put into words the thoughts and emotions I have.” We are not alone. We tend to forget that too. Don’t get too proud that you end up alone.

I hope your day goes beautifully.

Remember to always, keep hope alive!

 

 

Finding old friends in the spaces of our lives


Sometime in this life if we are really lucky, we meet some of the best people.

We call them friends.

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If we are really, really lucky, we find those find in the spaces from our past.

Those people we always liked but didn’t know so well due to different groups of friends or age. Or maybe because we were really shy when we were trying to seem cool.

One of the best parts of that is finding those people as adults.

Talking and learning each other and finding out the why as to why we were drawn to them all those years ago.

We find ourselves talking for hours about not the “good old days”, but our lives now. Were we’ve been and what’s gone on in our lives since we last saw each other.

I love hearing how we’ve grown but also have that core of who we were.

I love finding those “new” friends.

Or re-connecting to those you somewhat knew, and figuring out you wish you’d talked to this person way back then more so that this incredible human could have been in your life all along.

I think the universe likes to make us wait so we still keep getting to experience that thrill of a new friendships.

For me, moving back to my home state after being a gypsy so many years I am having those experiences.

Some people are flat out crazy.

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Some are all about drama. Still. We are out of high school please move along!

Yet others are those rare gems.

Recently I spoke to a friend that I can honestly say it’s been over 20 years since we have talked.

Both of us were a bit shyer then.

However, we have both figured out who we are (still works in progress), had kids and life experiences that seems to make us more open to the right people needed in our lives.

People laugh at me when I say I collect friends.

Human are unique creatures each of whom has a different outlook and perspective on life.

I enjoy talking to people and seeing if their brand of crazy gels with mine.

I relish getting into a conversation where I don’t want to hang up the phone because I am enjoying the company so well.

Finding out how much we have in common and enjoying listening to that person’s voice.

It is truly one of those special moments I never take for granted.

No matter if our lives have been totally different or followed similar courses.

The fun is finding similarities that I find so ironic.

How we both have moved around a lot!

We are now both single parents raising our sons.

The amusement we share in so many things.

The honesty of our words.

Because let’s face it. Not everyone is honest.

People want to “put on a front” of how “great” they are and make themselves seem to be the people they want to be and not who they are.

radical honestly

But this conversation?!

I felt like the scene in Jaws where everyone is comparing their scars!

I am still on that happy high of finding another like me and mine! Someone I knew but I had just “lost” through the years.

Maybe we were trying to shock each other.

Or maybe we were just testing the waters to make sure that we are really ok with being friends.

I know that for me, I feel pretty certain I have found another I won’t let go of.

Finding a friend who is honest, makes me laugh and understand other aspects of life that so many don’t is like finding a gold mine for some.

Yet it’s “just” one person.

But that person by just being my friend, has put a smile on my face and given me hope yet again.

They may never know how I feel, but I hope they know that I respect and appreciate them for being themselves.

That I will most definitely make sure I tell them!

Life is too short to judge.

Life is too short to lie.

When you feel it in your gut you know what the right thing is for you.

As for me, I am doing the happy dance I found another soul as nutty as me who’s willing to share space and have some fun.

No judgment. No expectations other than friendship.

That is a Fabulous feeling indeed!

I hope you all have a Graceless Sunday and a Fabulous week!

Keep hope alive my friends!