Finding my way back to hope


There are so many times in life when you just are going along, enjoying life and being content where you are when something changes your whole way of thinking and feeling,

For me it is like shaking up my senses. It allows me to see where I was slacking and what I want but somehow lost sight of. Because of my relationship with Murphy, of Murphy’s Law, it usually presents challenges most would chose to decline from. But sometimes, I just can’t ignore that feeling in my gut that says, “If you don’t try, you will regret it.”

So again, I find myself in a place where I am challenging the way I think. Where I question my contentment and wonder why I was settling for a ho-hum existence. Not that I was dull, just not as shiny as I know I can be. How finding one thing made me look at many things and realize, I am still living and I am constantly evolving.

I realized I was losing what I didn’t think I could lose… hope. My motto is Keep Hope Alive, yet I was allowing it to wither because I chose to settle thinking I would eventually find that which fuels my fire.

Oh how dense my mind can be. I should know better. If I ask the universe enough my answers come to me. My needs come. It may not be in the time frame that I want or when things are all rosy and perfect, but I have learned to never turn away a gift from the universe.

With all of the maos in the world and the uncertainties in my life, I feel I am finding my place again and my people. I am finding the ying to my yang. I am finding that the boy is growing up and showing a wisdom and insight that amazes me and scares me a little bit too.

Life keeps moving. It changes but it never stops.

I know I won’t stop either.

Keep Hope Alive!

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Almost Home


I feel like I’ve almost made it home.

I see the place in my mind that is no longer so unobtainable.

Things are starting to move and click.

Murphy shows his face, but I won’t give up.

The reality of my dreams is so close.I can see it on the horizon.

Almost home.

Raw expectations and perspective


We all have expectations of some degree or another.

Many of us want/wish things would go smoothly and according to plans. If you have been on the planet any length of time you learn that is not the way that it is.

I know that money can buy many things, even make you happy for a time… did you know you can hire someone to hold your umbrella, your place in line and even carry a child for you?

What it can’t buy is true feelings of happiness deep down in your soul.

So many times we place far too much value on material items. We place expectations of our happiness on material things or things that are so far out of our reach but we are taught to reach for the stars. We forget about the lesson of what happens when we do not get what we want.

I often see people going through the motions of happiness but they are not truly happy. Maybe they are happy in some ways but not fully at peace with who they are. They feel they need more “stuff”. Maybe it isn’t the “stuff” that they need but the intangible peace that can only come from within.

I know sometimes if I get too comfortable in my own skin it becomes uncomfortable and I search for ways to stretch my creativity and my mind. I need more, but it isn’t always about material gain. If that is a by-product of the changes I choose then I consider that a bonus. I obviously have to maintain a certain criteria in order to take care of myself and the boy.

I know that there are so many times I feel that I fail to meet the expectations of others. As well as the expectations I set for myself. I feel like I can be too stubborn, too strict, too hard, too blunt, too much of all the things I should ease up on. Then I argue with myself on if not me, who will? It can become a quiet hell in my mind. On the outside, I actually appear sane and having it together. Inside it is like Armageddon and the end of the world as I know it.

The need to do good and what is right is never in question. It’s the road to getting there that can get narrow and long. It’s going about it my way when others have their perceptions of how I should be doing it. Not that there is always something wrong with their way or that I can’t see the benefits and may even incorporate all or some of their suggestions. It is when I chose what I feel is best for me and mine and I am chastised like a child or someone tries to put me down because “they know what’s best”. Maybe they do know what’s best, but I can guarantee that that don’t know what is best for me.

One of my favorite lines is “finding my way lost.” I heard the term and wrote on the line into my poems over 20 years ago. It still resonates within me all these many years later. When I first wrote on it I was in my early 20’s. I had certain perceptions of how life “should” be and how I could make it into how I thought I wanted it to work. I was so far off the mark as to how things should be and what paths I needed to take to get there. However, in taking that detour in my life, it broadened my perspective of not only me, but the wider world.

Sometimes life moves so very fast, it’s like it goes in slow motion for a short while and it is back on the train to crazy town. Your dreams either happen, change forms, or are tweaked to reflect your inner changes. Sometimes you aren’t able to achieve certain dreams. You can let that define how you go forward by wallowing in your own self-pity (been there). Try moving forward in a new direction. I’m not necessarily sure it’s the direction you need to be going but it needs to feel right. I recommend this one over the self-pity. Not that self-pity doesn’t have its moments but that is all, for me, that it needs to be is moments. I can’t get caught up repeating the same thing over and over for years and not getting anywhere close to where I want to be.

I dreamed of a family. Not only the family I was born into, but a larger, happier, crazier family mixed with both the biological and those who chose to join me on this journey. I dreamed of children, a partner to share it with, and always, those I deem famriends – friends that are family.

My famriend family is amazing. I have those I have a DNA link to as well as the other amazing humans that I have met on this incredible journey of life. People I will have in my life in some form or another until the end of this life’s journey.

I was blessed with one amazing miracle that chose me to be his mama. I was also blessed with several “nieces and nephews” prior to the boy’s arrival to help prepare me for when the time was right.

Not every part of my dream was like I expected it to be. Sometimes it was more than I could take and pain, despair, depression and misery took over. They occasionally make their appearance but I now know how to deal with them.

The best part is that I am still here, writing my story with every breath I take. I am responsible for loving and showing another human being how to start their own journey. I hope to be with him for many years but I know that whatever time I have with him, he will always know what love is and he knows how to find happiness. I pray I have the time to teach him how to nurture that and help him grow into the young man he will hopefully become.

We never know what tomorrow brings, so try and share yourself with those you love while you have the change.

Look at life from a different perspective. Step out of your comfort zone, if only a little bit. Take a chance and live! Share the joy, compassion and love with the world. Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all just made the effort to try to be kinder, more patient and understanding every day?!

These are the raw thoughts that have been on my mind. These are the things that keep me going. These things and of course, the amazing people that I share my life with.

Keep Hope Alive!

 

New Year, no resolutions but facing life with Creativity!


Recently I stated that I wasn’t going to do New Year’s resolutions or challenges. I then read the fabulous CandidKay and how she chooses a word or phrase instead of doing New Year’s Resolutions. Honestly the lady inspires me to be a better human and helps me see that I Can pull things off and I Love her views and writings and there I go rambling but yeah, she inspires me check her out! http://candidkay.com/

Because of reading, contemplating and of course reading research, it became clear to me I needed to find a word to focus on for 2016. I follow some amazing authors and they have all been inspiring… in fact it’s on the list of topics for 2016…and there I scurry with the squirrels again.

Do you know how many words there are out there and OCD me needed to pick just ONE, but how hard it is for me to choose just one to describe and get through a year?! I went into a little overload and then BAM it came to me.

Creative.

Creativity.

creativity

It just lights a fire in me on pretty much everything that I am passionate about.

My boy. My loves. My mind. My life. My health. My writing. My career. Me.

The things I want to improve upon and also those things I need to change in order to be a better human being.

I was flipping through a magazine when I said it. “I need to make lists of all of the things that I want to change and/or improve upon… starting with my health cause this magazine is inspiring to me to look at new healthy ideas.”

The notebooks, all shapes, types and sizes, have been brought out and are being organized and compared for which ones work best to blend my personal with my work.

My life is all intertwined in itself.

I can’t pretend things that happen at work do not affect me at home and vice versa. Yes, I can make sure I am taking care of life in the moment and not “mix and drag” work and home. However, the bottom line is I am the one handling both and since I dealt with the split personalities years ago, it’s still all me dealing with both sections of my life and being very cautious about my mixology. Let me tell you I am one damn fine cocktail mixer too! Sometimes things are bit to strong and others they may not be strong enough but I can guarantee I will work to get the balance just right.

I’m so excited if affects me All The Time! Like being on drugs but not. High on endorphins, yeah! And if I am honest right at this moment, Coca-Cola as in “Have a Coke and a smile”. Okay maybe a few too many of those but sadly no mix with it other than the evil antibiotics treating the alien infestation of a sinus infection I was gifted with this holiday season. But see, even that isn’t getting in the way of my being more Creative and thinking more Creatively and putting that Creativity into Action in my life. It is, of course, working out fabulously! After all, I am the Queen of Keep Hope Alive!

I am feeling that 2016 will be better than ever!

I am feeling the blending and clinking of life finally coming together the way I have seen it in my mind for far too long but the dreams are finally coming to reality. Slowly. Surely.

That I am moving forward and facing life with Creativity and Hope. Alive and with a passion I was missing a bit of but have found again.

I am sending out a prayer of HOPE and CREATIVITY for each and every human out there. Starting with the fabulous faithful following FabulousGracelessness and spreading out like peanut butter into the world. That every human on the planet finds moments of hope, creativity, peace and compassion this year. That we find more tolerance, not only for ourselves and our loved ones, but those we don’t even know.

I am asking everyone to Keep Hope Alive!

It’s going to be a Fabulous 2016!

My inner creative graceless maos Knows it!

2016