Two pairs of shoes for one


This photo speaks volumes.

Two pairs of shoes.

Same size for the same boy.

It’s transition time.

He goes from mommy’s to dad’s.

I do everything to make it easy for him.

Sometimes he doesn’t want to go.

He doesn’t always want to leave me, but he loves his dad.

I assure him we both love him and want to spend time with him.

There is something about our bond.

Mother and son.

It isn’t something I can easily articulate.

He was born an old soul.

I saw it in his eyes as I held him in my arms those first nights, alone with him at the hospital.

Just this creature I gave birth to, myself and the kind nurses.

No matter how great my pain, I wanted him with me every time they brought him in from the nursery.

I Knew I would do Everything in my power to protect him.

I didn’t realize how hard that would be, but somehow this child that I created understands.

He knows that I will Love him No Matter What.

He’s learned that life and people are not perfect firsthand.

Including me.

He’s seen more than many children his age because he Sees.

He’s seen death, divorce and sadness.

He has Always known Love from his village.

And his mother.  

I am proud of how well he handles life.

His compassion and love of others.

His love of farting and being his crazy boy self.

The songs in his head and dance moves in his soul.

His amazing imagination and abilities to draw what he sees in his mind.

I love this child with my whole being.

But those shoes, they undo me.

He sees me smile and encourage him to have fun, love and enjoy his time with his other family.

He knows I miss him more than I will ever say.

I tell him I am in his heart and always with him.

I wait until he’s back in my arms again for my time.

My life isn’t perfect, but it is full with love.


Letter to my son, after 5 fabulous years and we’re just getting started

Until you came into my life I didn’t truly know how much love I had to give. I knew I was capable, I had dreamed of you for so long. I saw you in my dreams many time throughout my life. With blonde hair and blue eyes. Everyone thought I was crazy, but then I could always see and feel things that not everyone could. I could never do things easy, I had to try the route mostly blocked by the vines, and trees of life.

When I found out you were going to be a part of my world I was shocked. But from the moment I knew you were mine, I was stunned, excited and terrified and more in love with anything than I had ever been before. You see I had prayed for so many years that we would find each other that I couldn’t believe it was finally happening. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe or didn’t have hope, I just figured you would come to me some other way. I took a test and then because I couldn’t believe it, I took another. Positive. I was going to be a mommy! I locked myself away for a good 24 hours only telling my sisters, your aunts, because I couldn’t believe it. I was scared to tell people because I didn’t want to jinx anything. But one by one I told, then we told. The fact I was able to have you at all was in itself a miracle. People talk about how they would have done things differently in their life. I can completely understand, however I believe all of the things I did led me to you.

Now that you are starting to get older you ask questions that are beyond your years. I see the old soul in your eyes the way I see the mirror of my own. It excites and scares me for you. I watch you try new things and talk to people. I watch you share, I watch you not want to share. I watch you. I am caught off guard so many times by you. You constantly awe and amaze me. I know I make mistakes but you are so forgiving. It’s like you know somehow when I need to hear you say those certain things to me… “I chose you and you chose me”. One of your favorite things to tell me. When you repeatedly look into my eyes and tell me, “I love you mommy. You’re the best mommy I ever had. Of all my mommies you’re the best.”

My miracle, angel boy, of all my lives, I love this one the best because of you. You have made me a better human. More understanding and compassionate. More concerned with the world around us and less tolerant of those who bring harm, whether they mean to or not. You will learn and see more than I want you to but I know you must grow up. I know I cannot keep you from the pains of this world. You have already experienced much loss in your short life than others ten times your age. You love and believe with your whole heart. When you laugh it fills my soul with the most beautiful music I only dreamed of. Your arms around my neck and my waist are pieces of heaven and when you kiss me I know what they mean when they say touched by an angel.

I dedicate this to you, my sweet boy. The last 5 years have been the best of my life with you in it. I pray for many, many more. Mommy loves you more than you can ever begin to understand. I know you can feel it in your heart and soul.

Keep Hope Alive!

Happy 5th Birthday to My Boy!

photo 2

Happy Birthday to My Boy!

I can’t believe it’s now been 5 years!

You’ve grown so much and I am so proud of you.

You’ve had to deal with life situations most adults can’t handle and you have done it well and grown from it and are better on your life path for it.

One of your favorite things to do is cuddle with me and say, “I chose you and you chose me, I chose you and you chose me” because you chose me to be you mama and I prayed to be your mama.

I cannot even begin to describe how amazing it was to find out I was going to be your mama after being told I couldn’t have children.

I can never express the love I have for you and everything I do and will do for you.

You are an amazing young boy and I love watching you grow and become the awesome human you will be one day.

You are my angel, my miracle, my tater tot and dream come true!

Happy Birthday to the Love of my Life!

photo 1(1)

I hope everyone has a fabulously graceless Monday!

Always Keep Hope Alive!

photo 3