Jigsaw reflection

For the record I am trying so hard to keep hope alive. I am trying like hell to be positive. It isn’t easy.

This week was harder than I thought it would be. I am trying to let the light override the darkness in my mind. I feel like I am letting people down, those I love most because I feel like I am going in 50 directions and only maybe getting one thing done out of 50. I know there are thing I could do to make my life better. I am working on it truly I am. I was hoping to be able to write and care for others solely, however I am realizing right now that is not possible. So

I have set out to get a “real job” with more income until I can make more doing what I love. And it is a slippery slope. Being a single mother is hard. Yes I have help, yes I have people who love me more than anything and are willing to pitch in financially and with their time to help. I love them for it and I am so grateful. But I have this built in defect that says I need to be the One who takes care of everything. It isn’t rational and at this point in my life certainly not possible but I am trying. I also know I am his main “there” parent and it is a load I gladly carry.

Once upon a time I had a “real job” that “paid good with benefit”. I went in and gave it my all every day. I left feeling dirty and miserable due to the conditions at the office but I wasn’t stopping because I have responsibilities, a child to raise and life to life. If I want to be able to visit my family and friends I didn’t want finances to be the reason I couldn’t go. When I moved from TN to AL I was able to transfer to a sister company. The pay was better, but the conditions were a bit challenging. Determined I made it work. I had heard the whisperings, read the articles and knew our industry was in deep doo doo. I was assured repeatedly that they had never laid folk off and they weren’t starting now. I had a small savings account which I had put in an interest bearing account. Then I got laid off. Somewhat shell shocked I took the news well and even went back to make sure my workload was taken care of and my customers were transferred over to someone who would work with them.

I was able to draw unemployment for 6 months but after that I have been on my own so to speak. I am beyond blessed to have a fabulous mama, I mean, where else would I get the fabulous from? She does more for me that I would like but I appreciate more than she knows. We don’t always see eye to eye but we love each other.

I am feeling a bit of nostalgia and longing for those that have left this astral plane far too soon. Those who I have always turned to when I was feeling this way. Sometimes I still hear their voices when I scream out into the universe. They always tell me to never give up. I can feel their love.

Last night was particularly hard because it was the 2nd anniversary of my Vicky’s passing. I went through most of my day pretty good, found out my brother, sister-in-law and nephew were coming to dinner so that was good. I picked up another client so that is happy news. Dinner was great, children babbling, different conversations and family time. After the dishes were done, the house was picked up and guests were gone I guess it hit me hard. I was using an excuse about something else, so I could be angry, but I think one of the true reason for my emotions was I still feel the loss 2 years later of Vicky’s unexpected death.

It was so surreal. In some ways, I feel like it was a bad nightmare that couldn’t have really happened. We had planned to take the boy to Chuck E. Cheese since we still had tons of tokens left over from his birthday party and we both had the day off. Dinner with friends would wrap up our weekend and Monday was to start a new week. We had both been through so much and it seemed like life was getting back on track. But when the boy went into her room that morning, came out and said she was sleeping and it was cold in her room I knew. Trying to not look as shaken as I felt I went quietly into her room and saw her laying on the bed. Leaned over like she fell asleep while on her computer with her glasses still on, peaceful looking. But I knew. I touched her leg and it was all I could do to keep from screaming out. I called my other “sister” and said something to the effect of get over here ASAP I am calling 911 because I was pretty sure Vicky was dead. She arrived moments with the police and ambulance and took over the care of the boy. It only took 10 minutes to clear me as a “suspect” and once the boy was gone and I could talk freely, we realized that she had most likely had a heart attack and just died. No drugs or foul play she just died. She was 47. She had just started a new job, met a new guy and was making friends in the city. She had started over again but was happy for the first time in a long time.

I realize we never know how long we have. We never know when we are talking to someone that it could be the last time. If I had known with her I know it would have been more than “Do you need anything from Walmart? Ok no? I love you sister”. I would have hugged her and told her again how proud I was of her and how thankful I was to share a portion of this wild ride of life with her.

Whew talk about cathartic! It may sound crazy but I feel better! Writing down my feelings and sharing them helps me more than I could have ever imagined.

I guess now I will go and work on finding a real job… and writing a few articles! You never know when you will get that break you have worked so hard for.

Know you aren’t alone in your thoughts and feelings.

Know that some days are going to completely suck and that’s ok. There will be better days.

I do hope you all have a fabulous day my friends!

*I dedicate this post to my “sister” Vicky and my “little sister” Woocy. And of course my amazing mama. Thank you all for believing in me and putting up with my madness!

Have you ever had a craptastic day emotionally? How do you handle it? Tell me, I’m listening.




New week and new beginnings… Hello Monday!

Hello my fabulous friends and welcome to the beginning of the week!

I am keeping hope alive for a good week in my graceless world!

I survived Chuck E Cheese at 10 AM on a Saturday! I am impressed and proud! Of course I had several fabulous humans helping me pull it off so shout out to woocy, rex & R for having my back! And it was so fun with all the kids and of course us big kids!

I basically got about 3.5 hours of sleep as my Atl girl didn’t get in til late so we had to chat til I was falling over, barely able to keep my eyes open but trying! I was decorating the cake with my woocy at 11 so being up at 2 was nothing. Ha!

I am realizing that while I may be fabulously graceless I need my beauty sleep, and not for beauty but just so that I may crawl forth from my bed and go out and be productive!

But I kept hope alive and I survived and had a blast!

Hearing my alarm clock going off today I am pushing for the “get on up and get moving” versus “just 5, 10, 20 more minutes….. crap I am late!” of my semi-normalness.

I am going for it’s going to be a Good Monday. Not just decent or making it through but I am aiming high for a Good Monday… maybe even excellent! You never know what life holds so I am going to keep my hope alive!

Good things are happening. I can feel it! I can see things moving on that I wasn’t sure what to do or what move to make. Just keep hope alive and do the right thing and it will work out!!

I am off to work, knit, write, get things done, be with the boy and have a Fabulous Monday!

Take care my friends and stay fabulous!

Happy Birthday to My Sister from another mister!

Sometimes in this life we get lucky.

We meet a friend who is so rare that we become friends with them as children and are able to carry that friendship through the years.

We make it through puberty, marriage, kids, moves, divorce, family craziness, friends together with others and even deaths.

If we are very, very fortunate that person becomes family to us.

Today I celebrate my sister from another mister!

Since I change all names to protect the innocent and insane alike I just have to say that one is hard because I want the world to know how my sister has literally saved my life in the over 35 years we have known each other.

I will call her Peevley because yes, there is an inside joke to that, but it makes me laugh every time I type it!

Some of you may can remember the song “Our house in the middle of our street”, well those words anyway. If you can’t then just go with it!

Our houses were right across the street from each other.

We literally could and would meet in the street and go to each other’s homes.

She is two years older than me but we are both about 20 in our minds so it all works out!

We tell people we share a memory and it’s actually true.

Parts of her childhood were not pleasant, so when she took protective measures to move on with her life, she blocked out more than just the bad parts.

So she has big Swiss cheese size holes in parts of her memory and I supply the information back to her.

It can really suck having such a good memory at times, especially when you have seen things you wish you could un-see but it’s there because that “steel trap” metaphor is for real in my world.

And yes, sometimes I make up stuff to “remind” her and usually get called on it. Most of the time!

Her “biological” parents and brother are no longer in our lives.

We just say we are twins and my family claims her.

Though we look Nothing alike, we do tell folks we are twins and amazingly many people believe us.

We are about the same height, no matter what she says about being taller, but that would be where the similarities end on the looks.

I have dark hair and olive skin and she has red hair and glowy white see through skin.

You see why I question those who think we’re twins?!

Not to mention our body parts are different sizes, her waist is smaller while I will never know the joy of the junk in the trunk comments she gets!

I tan and she burns turning red with green freckles.

We know when the other one is mad or upset sometimes by just a feeling.

Example, one of us feels strange and calls the other.

First question is “What is it?” Then the other proceeds to go on rant or explain what is getting to them.

No questions of “how did you know” we just know.

I know twins who have this and close sisters but we aren’t blood related.

She isn’t the only one I am this way with.

For the most part, we have a lot of the same friends.

However, we both have friends we will ask, “Please explain again why we like that person?” but will respect each other’s choices and reasons.

We don’t need nor do we “seek approval” we merely ask for advice and automatically accept each other for who we are.

We don’t have to like the decisions, actions or words of the other but we always accept and love each other no matter what.

I can’t imagine my life without her.

She lives nearly 13 hours away now and we still talk weekly and see each other at least once a year.

She was blessed to find her happily ever after when we were young, ok I know I am younger but she still wasn’t able to legally drink when she married “the boss”!

We are a part of each other and our families are so intertwined you need an index, compass and subscriptions to Psycho Weekly and National Geographic just to keep up!

We raised her kids and now mine.

It’s freaky really that my son could be her grandchild!

Her son is the eldest of our kids at like 27. If he is any older my mind can’t think of that right now as I remember when she was pregnant with him!

Our only girl is 25ish and of course the youngest boy turns 5 this year.

See what I mean by he could be the age of a grandchild if she had one?!

And she knows I am just messing with her by writing that!

Seriously, we have talked each other down off the proverbial cliff, listened, held hands, wiped tears and puke for each other.

I truly would give her a kidney if needed.

One of our “sharable” stories from the years was when we were teens, about 15 & 17, we snuck out of her house and met her boyfriend, also my good friend, and rode around until we could meet my boyfriend.

We met back up later, snuck back into her house and thought we were so cool and had gotten away with it.

Except we grew up in a neighborhood where everyone knew everyone and everyone watched each other’s kids.

We were so busy sneaking out and then back in that we failed to note our neighbors, who had been at midnight mass, in their driveway with a direct view to the window we climbed out of.

Of course they told our parents.

They all met at the local Burger King to plot our death over coffee!

Both her and my parents had been taping our phone calls.


We both got a whopping and severely grounded for several months.

We were not “allowed” to “play together” for that summer, however, when school started back up I was allowed to ride with her to school and we had to come straight home and check in!

Never once did it cross our minds to “no longer be friends”.

If anything it was one of the many things that brought us closer.

Fast forward about 20 years and her husband was deployed to a warzone as he was in the Army Reserves.

This was his second deployment and their kids were now teens.

I thought nothing of driving up to be with her and the kids over the winter break.

Just as I would have it no other way to go back 6 months later when he returned and we held a celebration for his safe return.

Being so far apart makes life so challenging when you can just drive over, sit down with your friend and share time talking face to face.

But Peevley and I can just pick up the phone and we are right where we need to be.

I have made and collected so many friends in my life, but I was lucky to find and keep my Peevley this long.

We both make the effort to keep in touch and talk whether phone, text or emails. And, of course, the occasional SnapChat!

If we go more than a week without talking, which happens due to schedules, families and living in different time zones, we get weirded out and have to call just to “hear you irritatingly lovely voice” as we like to say.

Really it’s a sanity check for us both.

Without her I know I would be lost.

So to my sister, Thank You.

Thank you for always being there for me, for believing in me and staying with me even when it was hard, and I know it was at times!

You are the Best Sister, Friend, co-conspirator and woman I am privileged to share my life with!

Happy Birthday Peevley!

I love you!

From birth to earth my steel magnolia sister!

Have a Fabulously Graceless Wednesday!

me n peevleey