For the record I am trying so hard to keep hope alive. I am trying like hell to be positive. It isn’t easy.
This week was harder than I thought it would be. I am trying to let the light override the darkness in my mind. I feel like I am letting people down, those I love most because I feel like I am going in 50 directions and only maybe getting one thing done out of 50. I know there are thing I could do to make my life better. I am working on it truly I am. I was hoping to be able to write and care for others solely, however I am realizing right now that is not possible. So
I have set out to get a “real job” with more income until I can make more doing what I love. And it is a slippery slope. Being a single mother is hard. Yes I have help, yes I have people who love me more than anything and are willing to pitch in financially and with their time to help. I love them for it and I am so grateful. But I have this built in defect that says I need to be the One who takes care of everything. It isn’t rational and at this point in my life certainly not possible but I am trying. I also know I am his main “there” parent and it is a load I gladly carry.
Once upon a time I had a “real job” that “paid good with benefit”. I went in and gave it my all every day. I left feeling dirty and miserable due to the conditions at the office but I wasn’t stopping because I have responsibilities, a child to raise and life to life. If I want to be able to visit my family and friends I didn’t want finances to be the reason I couldn’t go. When I moved from TN to AL I was able to transfer to a sister company. The pay was better, but the conditions were a bit challenging. Determined I made it work. I had heard the whisperings, read the articles and knew our industry was in deep doo doo. I was assured repeatedly that they had never laid folk off and they weren’t starting now. I had a small savings account which I had put in an interest bearing account. Then I got laid off. Somewhat shell shocked I took the news well and even went back to make sure my workload was taken care of and my customers were transferred over to someone who would work with them.
I was able to draw unemployment for 6 months but after that I have been on my own so to speak. I am beyond blessed to have a fabulous mama, I mean, where else would I get the fabulous from? She does more for me that I would like but I appreciate more than she knows. We don’t always see eye to eye but we love each other.
I am feeling a bit of nostalgia and longing for those that have left this astral plane far too soon. Those who I have always turned to when I was feeling this way. Sometimes I still hear their voices when I scream out into the universe. They always tell me to never give up. I can feel their love.
Last night was particularly hard because it was the 2nd anniversary of my Vicky’s passing. I went through most of my day pretty good, found out my brother, sister-in-law and nephew were coming to dinner so that was good. I picked up another client so that is happy news. Dinner was great, children babbling, different conversations and family time. After the dishes were done, the house was picked up and guests were gone I guess it hit me hard. I was using an excuse about something else, so I could be angry, but I think one of the true reason for my emotions was I still feel the loss 2 years later of Vicky’s unexpected death.
It was so surreal. In some ways, I feel like it was a bad nightmare that couldn’t have really happened. We had planned to take the boy to Chuck E. Cheese since we still had tons of tokens left over from his birthday party and we both had the day off. Dinner with friends would wrap up our weekend and Monday was to start a new week. We had both been through so much and it seemed like life was getting back on track. But when the boy went into her room that morning, came out and said she was sleeping and it was cold in her room I knew. Trying to not look as shaken as I felt I went quietly into her room and saw her laying on the bed. Leaned over like she fell asleep while on her computer with her glasses still on, peaceful looking. But I knew. I touched her leg and it was all I could do to keep from screaming out. I called my other “sister” and said something to the effect of get over here ASAP I am calling 911 because I was pretty sure Vicky was dead. She arrived moments with the police and ambulance and took over the care of the boy. It only took 10 minutes to clear me as a “suspect” and once the boy was gone and I could talk freely, we realized that she had most likely had a heart attack and just died. No drugs or foul play she just died. She was 47. She had just started a new job, met a new guy and was making friends in the city. She had started over again but was happy for the first time in a long time.
I realize we never know how long we have. We never know when we are talking to someone that it could be the last time. If I had known with her I know it would have been more than “Do you need anything from Walmart? Ok no? I love you sister”. I would have hugged her and told her again how proud I was of her and how thankful I was to share a portion of this wild ride of life with her.
Whew talk about cathartic! It may sound crazy but I feel better! Writing down my feelings and sharing them helps me more than I could have ever imagined.
I guess now I will go and work on finding a real job… and writing a few articles! You never know when you will get that break you have worked so hard for.
Know you aren’t alone in your thoughts and feelings.
Know that some days are going to completely suck and that’s ok. There will be better days.
I do hope you all have a fabulous day my friends!
*I dedicate this post to my “sister” Vicky and my “little sister” Woocy. And of course my amazing mama. Thank you all for believing in me and putting up with my madness!
Have you ever had a craptastic day emotionally? How do you handle it? Tell me, I’m listening.
fabulousgracelessness 