Manic Monday in 3D!


Today we have Manic Monday in 3D!

manic monday horse

This gal is on her way back home from the great northern adventures and visiting with friends and family!

I am sure there will be things that do not go according to plan, Mr. Murphy please take those laws and go!

We’ve no time for all that!

For we are going down the highway of life and living it to the fullest!

on the road

There’s no need for the dramas and the trials today!

Nor for any other!

So yes we have frantic, manic, even sometimes panic Mondays!

That does not mean we do not face them head on and break on through to the other side! Thank you Mr. Jim Morrison!

I urge you to Never Lose Hope!

Never give up!

Always Keep Hope Alive!

keep hope alive

Especially on manic Mondays!

Have a great one Y’all!

Stay Fabulous!

 

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I can SEE!!!!!


“I was blind but now I see.”

I am not singing Amazing Grace here today but I can now see!

I did not realize how poor my vision is!

Wow!

This fabulously graceless chic is now a member, there probably is such a thing, of the trifocal club! Yes my left eye, it seems, is blinder than the right. It also has stigmata… I mean stigmatism!

Geez, I follow an amazing writer, Aging Gracefully My Ass, and her name fits my mood!

I guess this is where I should say I am thankful I can still rock my contacts for at least another year before staying in my glasses full time. I am, however, I am not thrilled to know that my eyeballs have to be re-evaluated again next year to see if I can keep them!

I cannot wear glasses all the time! It isn’t a fashion thing, it’s a safety and a graceless thing!

I am getting used to wearing a stronger contact in the left eye than my right. Supposedly it will be easier and that seems to be true but they make my eyeballs kind of tired. I am sure it will pass. I hope!

I love my new glasses, they are quite cool in my opinion.

I am also having to get used to those too.

I wanted to use my old glasses but it seems when you go into the trifocal club you have to have larger lenses.

I so suck at picking things out like that!

I am grateful to the fabulous ladies my local eyeball fixer upper palace for helping me chose a pair, they said, looked good on me.

I’ve gotten a lot of compliments so maybe it’s not just everyone being nice!

I have had to get used to making sure I look “with my nose” because otherwise it feels like the floor is somewhat tilting and I have grabbed out more than once to make sure I wasn’t falling.

It IS a common occurrence in my world!

Like I need one more thing that messes with me!

I was cleaning the tiled kitchen floor the other day and wondered why it had a dip in it. There was no dip other than me. I was not looking at the spot head on!

In case you didn’t know, dear reader, when you get prescription lenses, you have 3 choices.

Choice A you get the center of the lens only for your prescription. It cost a bit but you have to see.

Choice B you get over half of the lens, but you pay way more than choice A.

Choice C you get most of the lens covered but you need a small loan to cover the cost of just seeing out of the entire lens.

It’s a conspiracy I tell you!

Of course I choose A!

I did not have this issue before becoming a member of this detestable trifocal club!

I know I should shut up and be happy I could afford at all to get contacts and glasses, but I just had to rant a little.

But boy howdy how sparkly and sharp are things again!

I forgot how clearly I can see when I have the right prescription!

That part is awesome!

I can see, I can see! Who the hell’s in the mirror? Oh my god it’s me!

new glasses

 

My lifetime love of books and reading


I love to read.

I love to read just about anything really.

When I don’t read I feel like I am lost.

A ship set adrift on an ocean of silence.

I can get lost in a book.

Yes a real, honest to God book with paper pages.

I do read on the computer, the kindle, my smarter-than-me phone and iPad.

I still enjoy the newspaper and magazines.

But a book is what can calm me.

Can make me loose myself for hours. Days.

I get so caught up in them I feel as though I am a part of another world.

I find my moods sometimes run the course of the characters while I am reading.

So reading something soul scathing or “horrifying” can twist my mind.

My train of thought never strays far from the pages I am reading and I find myself talking and thinking in the manner of the characters I absorb.

No I don’t get all psycho crazed serial killer, motherless, faithful, happy human on people… like I said I read a bit of everything!

But I can’t help but wonder how they would think, talk or react in situations or conversations I am in.

It’s like they become real.

Maybe it’s because I started reading at such a young age.

My imagination took me to magical places. Dark places. Places most of my friends didn’t visit mostly due to the things I learned in the books I read.

I read The World Book Encyclopedias and others of the same genre because I had access to them.

Before the internet I remember sneaking into the adult section in the library.

Not to read the love stories or the erotica, though I did read those, but to real the real life stories they didn’t necessarily allow in the kids section.

It’s like they wanted to hide us from the realities of life.

I remember reading Amityville Horror when I was around 12. I had to hide it because I would have bad dreams and it was definitely not something this 12 year old girl needed to be reading with my vivid imagination! I remember I would jump when the house would creak. I was a rebel hiding my books so I wouldn’t get in trouble!

It was close to the time when the original “Poltergeist” movie came out. Yeah, I totally freaked myself out! Between that and Cujo I was definitely on my way to loving horror movies and books were something I could do anytime and almost anyplace.

I learned to read in the car to tune out my brother.

When I got in trouble and had to go to my room I read.

Can’t watch TV? Read a book.

I can actually say I read more than I watch TV.

I went years without cable only watching the occasional movie and TV at friend’s homes. This was when I was an adult!

I also have no choice but to finish a book. I can’t not finish. Maybe it’s my OCD or maybe it’s because I started it and I have to finish it. Even when it’s horrible writing and painful to get through I have to finish.

When I read I learn. I look up things that I don’t understand and still have a dictionary, not dictionary.com, to look up words if I am unsure of the meaning.

Some call me odd and that’s ok.

I would rather read than talk to people some days!

I urge you to read something.

An article, a book, whether printed on paper or electronic reading just read!

In enriches your world!

Have a fabulously graceless day!

 

Migraine Me


Since I was a teenager I have had migraines.

Sometimes they are so intense I have to lie down in a dark, cold room and just lay there because I can’t really function. To walk feels like nails piercing my brain through the souls of my feet.

They used to make me so sick physically, but now I only have a bit of nausea, which I will take over praying to the porcelain god any day, thank you.

I’ve tried various medications and home remedies.

I have finally found a combination of both that help me at least get through one better but sometimes medication and sleep are the only relief.

The worst ones last for more than a day and yes, I have considered the Botox shot more than a few times due to the torture. I never thought I would be all for sticking a needle full of botulinum toxin into my head, but now there are times when I would happily pay to have someone shoot me up if it got rid of this 7th ring of hell in my head!

I sometimes put my hair, if I can bend over without getting sick or falling over, under freezing water until it penetrates my scalp and cools my brain off.

Often I will pull my hair from the roots to take the tension off my head.

Yes life with migraines is not all fun and games.

Though sometimes it is like a video game with the lights and auras I would prefer not to see with nails and knives digging into my brain.

I feel like I am disassociated with my body and that I am looking from the outside in.

I can function most of the time, but I know people that don’t know me and know how they affect me must think I am drinking or on drugs (I am but not the fun kind trust me) due to my slower responses. Or my really off the wall comments.

“You don’t feel well do you?”

“Oh just another migraine, is that a cat climbing up the wall? Wait that wasn’t what I meant!” That is an actual conversation I had with the boy’s teacher one morning! Once she realized I had a migraine she and I both laughed at my response. We get along very well and I always speak how I feel to her and vice versa but that one was new for her!

I guess I “look” normal to a degree.

I feel like I look crazed and would immediately look to see if there was a hospital band on my arm like I had escaped from a mental health facility!

I am actually writing this article while in the mists of a migraine.

I was scheduled to work and my patient was taken to the hospital. My first response was she ok. My new boss said I was really thoughtful as I’m sure there are those caregivers whose first response would be to ask if that meant no work. I can’t imagine not asking about the person taken to the hospital! And I don’t know the reason but I do know she is 94. I don’t care that she is 94 people live longer and have better quality of life I pray she is going to be fine. If my services are needed by her at a later time I do hope I get to meet her. If not it was meant to be. I can’t look at it any other way.

I told my boss I had a migraine and that I would be happy to fill in elsewhere if needed. She thanked me but the need was not there at the moment. And to take care of myself.

Now I am going over in my head the conversation because really, what if I said something about cat on the wall?! Not too cool!

I think all will be ok as when we got off the phone I remember us talking about my next job so keeping hope alive it is all good! I love this job!

So I finally put some food in me, a breakfast sandwich, go me! The photo shows proof I ate and also how it spills out is a bit how my head feels!

migraine brain breakfast

Yes food and coffee and water. My diet plan for the time being!

migraine coffee

Now I am off to try to work and get things done. Slowly that is!

Just saying a little prayer that tomorrow there is no migraine hangover! Ugh!

Keep hope alive!

Have a fabulous day my friends!

Moments


At times I feel only have stolen moments.

There are moments I give to others

Some are obligations I give freely

Others are obligations I begrudgingly oblige

Some are wanted

Many are not

Some are unexpected

Those are both happy and sad

Good and bad

Ecstasy and terror

Moments

Brief or long it is all we have

I often forget how to give to myself

Moments I need to breathe

Moments I need for my sanity

Mere moments

Yet they yearn for more

Clamor for my precious moments

I try and I fail

I disappoint

Them, myself I am disappointment

Steal them

Take them

Rip them from me

Mere moments in time

What more do I have to give but moments?

I hope you all have fabulous moments today!

 

What was I thinking?!


I am wondering when I decided to try and become Martha freaking Stewart/ June Cleaver/Carol Brady – ISH?!

oldies mom

When I decided I was going to try to be so “together” and make all of these fabulous plans, cook these fabulous meals and do all of this adult stuff with “style”. What the hell am I thinking?!

I AM FABULOUSLY GRACELESS!

crazy beach me

I try to try but as my good friend says, and I concur, “That totally smacks of effort!”

I am just a “normal” (ok maybe not normal normal but somewhere maybe within 1000 miles of there) female, mother, daughter, sister, friend, human who works daily, often times moment to moment to get through this thing we call life.

Sometime after I had my boy, at the ripe “advanced maternal age” – a term I am willing to throat punch over – of 39, it was like I caught a virus of how I needed to handle moving onward with my life now that I had someone I was also responsible for and sending out into the world.

I wanted to make sure my boy’s life experience was as fun and educational, obviously filled with love which is perhaps the easiest part and no brainer, as possible.

I have OCD and accept it. I work to make it more balancing than having it control me. I try to always have “a plan”.

The first year of parenthood was awe inspiring and also something out of one of the seventh rings of hell.

My routines, logic and plans were quickly tossed out the side window in order to make room for this creature who had captured my soul the minute I found out I was pregnant but who had tossed the my existence into some crazed notion of a life I had no idea how to navigate through at times.

I think it’s fair to say every first time parent has pre-conceived notions of how they will raise their children, handles situations and how life will flow along.

I think it’s also fair to say many times that idea is full of a big old diaper of the worst poo imaginable.

cartoon multi mom

I guess I have always done my marching to some random garbled beat in my own mind.

I have my oddities and own side effects, some I am working on and others I chose to keep because they are just the core of who I am.

To say my life has not gone “as planned” is a gross understatement of massive proportions.

Not to say I don’t love my life. I truly do.

That’s the crazy part.

I saw life before and after having a kid as one way.

I learned before I even had him, life did not always go as planned. Sometimes it went very poorly and how you chose to handle it makes all the difference in the world. So I would modify my flow.

After the boy came bouncing into My world, everything I knew turned upside down. From my hospital stay, to the first years, to the “un-coupling” of his dad and myself, Life freaking Changed.

This did not, however, change the file in my brain that I needed to strive to be more like the mythical TV, movie and reality moms. You know the ones that have it all?

not me cartoon mom w balance

Still having themselves, the job, the kid, the organized house and schedules with all the fluff.

And I just snorted laughing at reading that sentence because no matter how much that particular file in my brain wants and strives to be “that perfect” I Know it won’t ever happen!!

I am very okay with that!

I went from the free-spirit, flexible, OCD, semi-organized life to one where I am responsible for another human and my schedule and plans are somewhat regimented.

I am still a free-spirit and still flexible. I’ve had to work hard on my OCD and organized is all relative in how one’s perspective is!

Still the BEST part is The Boy.

b coraline

I’ve had a lot of “accomplishments” and proud moments in my life, but having my son is the absolute, hands down, most fabulously amazing creation and contribution to this planet I could have ever even hoped to offer.

So yeah, I may look a hot mess, I may not have everything as organized in my home as it “should be”, but I can guarantee my boy is happy and well-adjusted and learning to roll with the punches and accept folk for who they are. He is learning the meaning and value of doing as you say and how to treat others. He is learning while he is the top of my world, in life everyone matters and deserves respect.

He is most definitely loved by many. My love for him and the miracle that he is cannot even be articulated well because it is too vast and made up of things I didn’t know existed before him.

As for me, well I am not completely giving up the ghost of Martha, June, Carol and the other mamas, but for now, I am me.

me in beatles shirt

I will take a line or page or two from them when I can but in the end, I have to say, I think I am doing alright!

I hope that you are doing alright too!

Have a Fabulous Wednesday from the Queen of Gracelessness!

The beach is in my soul


At the time this article goes out I will have officially been gone from the beach for at least nearly 20 hours… almost a full day.

I will have woke with my last view of the beach for a while.

Of course I will photograph it but often I don’t need the visual reminders. Not of this place.

I always walk out onto the balcony, look around and then close my eyes and breathe it all in.

balcony view

The sights, the smell, the endless ocean with all of its vast adventures.

The Life.

I can be anywhere, any room, any situation and just Stop.

I can smell it. The salt and sand and tropical smells.

I can feel it. The breeze blowing off the Gulf of Mexico caressing my skin. Rain or shine it feels so different, so alive.

I can see it in my mind. I can close my eyes and see all hours of the day or night here.

For all of my existence I have come to this place.

feet beach

This body of water.

The beaches along the Gulf Coast have helped shape who I am as a human being.

As I am sure they have shaped thousands before, even now and after I am gone.

I’ve seen the sun rise, mid-day and setting sun. I have sat on the beach from dawn til dusk and dusk til dawn.

I have slept on the beach.

I have played in this ocean and learned of the creatures that live here and respect them. Even if I am not fond of some of them this is their home. Their space.

I have walked these shores with the ones I love and those that are no longer here with me to walk in the surf or sit in the sand and stare out at the beauty.

But here I feel so close to them.

I feel close to all of those I love and care for.

I love sharing this Oneness of everything with my boy.

beach crab catchin

My amazing miracle that constantly blows my mind and fills me with love.

He reminds me of this place.

We came from this place.

The place where I am close to everything, call it God, the Universe, all of those things we cannot articulate into words but its right there.

It is where I can and do find my soul. I nourish it.

I find it and I replenish my being.

And I can come anytime I want.

I just have to remember the way.

This time, I know that I have found it.

I will not forget it.

Life is too precious to let myself forget this and how to mend my soul.

pier balcony view

 

Hiding Out


 kid behind tree

I see you there.

Hiding out.

Hiding from me.

From everyone.

Right out in plain sight you stand.

Trying so hard to pretend you aren’t there.

Trying to pretend that your illness doesn’t exist.

Doesn’t show.

You talk and act as though nothing is wrong.

You’re the life of the party.

The one who’s always “helping” out.

Your stories are filled with all You do and Your life.

How You are Always the one “everyone” turns to.

Your adventures.

It’s always about you.

Yet you hide out when things get tough.

You hide from the confrontation.

You hide from the truth of what has taken over you.

You hide.

kitty hiding

You think that I do not see but I do.

You can keep on hiding out.

I will keep on knowing.

Because I promise you.

You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last.

I just hope you will get the help you need.

I hope you will find the way to your happiness.

Hiding out is no way to exist.

So just try to make an effort to find your way back to health.

Find your way back to happiness.

Find your way back to you.

stop hiding

 

Happy Friday Y’all!


This week has flowed to a different beat.

I left on Monday for a week at the beach.

Meeting up with a portion of our family.

There are 10 of us at the condo.

Yes 10 human beings.

8 adults and 2 kids.

Pure chaos.

More fun than you can imagine!

However, privacy is just a dream! Haha but oh so true

Having so many of us has afforded this mama something that she hasn’t had in over 6 years… a beach cocktail. Thank you my dear sweet cousin for just handing me the cup and saying, “enjoy”!

I am not a big drinker at all, however, I do enjoy a drink on occasion.

 photo 5

My view from the condo!

I forgot how much fun it is to sit back and enjoy myself as I am usually constantly “on” with the boy.

Having others around affords me the luxury of just sitting back and chilling out.

I mean I am still “on” but it’s more laid back.

I love it!

I’m not used to having all these people watch my boy and it’s like a mini vacation.

I know everyone isn’t as blessed or as lucky as I am to have the awesome family that I do.

It is challenging somewhat space wise.

As OCD as I am this can be a hurdle I have to overcome. But it seems easier and easier with less stress and knowing I am not alone.

Family and friends you love and trust are invaluable these days.

Anyone who knows me knows I also need my quite me time.

Something a bit hard to come by sharing space and schedules with so many folks!

I must say that I have been blessed with spaces of quite time because these people Know I need it.

Like being able to write my blog and a maybe a few other articles.

It’s not like I can just go and grab some words off the web and copy and paste it and call it my own. Not only is it plagiarism but it’s just not something I can do!

So I get my time!

And like just now it got interrupted but it was just my brother, also working, while our kiddos are at the beach with everyone else so we can work.

Of course since we don’t get to spend as much time together as we would like to do. And I miss the banter of how we are. Complimenting and berating each other in the same breath! Ah sibling love!

It really is just This though that makes me so relaxed.

Being able to enjoy my family. Those I don’t get to see as much as we’d like and spend quality moments with them.

All from my happy-find-my-soul-spot!

It doesn’t get much better than this!

photo 2 

Another fabulous view

Happy Friday Y’all!

Make it Freaking Fabulous!

 

Run Away


Run away. Run away.

I don’t know if I can handle today.

Run away. Run away.

I will face this life come what may.

 

Dear God, please make me a bird so I can fly far. Far, far away.

Dear God, please make me a bird so I can fly far. Far. Far away.

 

Running away does not solve all your problems. It may temporarily ease your mind however, it cannot make those problems go away.
Geographically you can put yourself further away, but you cannot actually escape the problem.
When I was a child I remember I wanted to run away from home.
I packed a bag of my favorite toys and I set out on my way.
My mom watching from the door waved and told me to have a good adventure.
I went all the way down the street made a left-hand turn and walked down the big street!
Then came to me what was a huge choice in my then six-year-old life.
Do I step out onto the first busy road or do I walk back at that long hill, make a right and go home?
Going home I had to face what I didn’t want to deal with, which was most likely cleaning my room or minding my parents. 

I also wasn’t thrilled with the prospect of my little brother. He could be extremely annoying although pretty darn cute at times too
I chose to go home.
I talked to my parents and I remember them telling me that I made the right choice. Things are not always perfect but I knew they loved me, and I learned that I could solve my problems if I just faced them. Even if it wasn’t easy.
As an adult I’ve thought away thought about running away more times than I did as a child.
However it is not always that easy. Especially when you have responsibilities and understand more people, or pets, depending on you.

I admit that I have small times that I call it “running away “.
I take time for myself and I dig around inside my mind to find what I’m really thinking about and what’s troubling me
It isn’t always pretty and it isn’t always nice.

Quite often it’s painful.

I may seem distant or cold to some people, but I’m trying to find myself again.

I’m searching deep inside of my soul and what I really need to find it myself.
I even escape to parking lots while I’m driving to and from places so that I can just stop and think.
When you run away you also run away from people in your life.

When you leave with no warning or no heads up you leave them wondering if the words that they said were truly meant.

There are all kinds of forms of this behavior. Being late, not taking a call and/or not calling are just a few examples.
It can make one wonder if they are not as important to that person as they pledged they were in the first place.
Taking a breather from a person, people or situations is understandable. To seek a way for you to find yourself.

It isn’t as if I haven’t done it myself.

However, I do let the people closest to me, or that I am indebted to or responsible for, know that I am “checking out” for a mental moment or moments.

But to think that you can “run away” from your problems and not face them?

I don’t understand that.

If you have obligations and responsibilities with others, you just running away is cowardly in my eyes.

I understand not wanting to “deal” with that person, but for the love of Pete, put your big girl panties on and Deal With It.

Adults that do things like this, to me, show lack of respect and compassion for others.

They are selfish.

Yes you have become an adult.

Welcome.

You committed to certain things and people, but since there have been waves in the order of your life and you aren’t happy with it, you chose to run away like a child instead of confronting and handling said situation.

You get petty and cruel with your words, yet don’t use your words to convey and communicate your plan to take care of your obligations while you go find yourself.

When I hear someone say, “I am going to run away” I smile.

They are saying out loud what they are doing, not caring who judges but also letting others know they will be out of touch. Whether metaphorically or not they are saying it.

But those who literally run away because they can’t or don’t want to face their problems, chose to push out people in their lives they may have kept if only they had done things differently.

Those people don’t respect everyone as most of them claim to do.

I’ve learned they are afraid of themselves more than anyone else.

Although they would never admit it.

As for me, I enjoy my little “run aways.”

Although I am not trying to disappear, I just like go off the grid. Usually it’s only for 30 minutes but sometimes I get to escape for longer!

There have been times in my life where I have told others to run away!

I am sure I have been the cause of some people to actually go away too.

Always their choice! I’m not like a mafia don or anything!

But choosing to run away, I really hope you have a good reason.

As for me, I am running to the beach.

But I am not alone.

My family is here.

My boy.

He understands why I tell him, “I want to run away to the beach. It’s my happy place. Want to go with me?!”

And he now always says, “Oh yes mommy, I will run anywhere with you. I love you.”

So we run away to the beach.

To smell the salt air and feel the sand between our toes.

Pure bliss.

We find ourselves even if we didn’t know we were looking.

 

Have a fabulous Wednesday My Friends!