I can’t write and molly coddle any more… I just can’t


I open my mind and the feelings pour onto the page. I cannot stop my flow of thought any more than I can stop the wind or the rain.

I am tired, so very tired, of trying to censor my thoughts. I am completely done with hand holding and molly coddling because someone may “think” the wrong thing about what I am writing.

10 minutes, 10 days or ten years you may have known me but you do not know what I really mean from these thoughts. They are only what you perceive them to be. I could be exuberant of I could be cutting it all depends on what I am feeling and how it comes out from me.

You and yOu and yoU and YOU… all think that I speak of You. Yet it isn’t You, but yOu. Or is it yoU? Maybe YOU?

For me all that matters is being able to try and articulate my perceptions, thoughts and feelings.

It is a cleansing, a spewing, an emptying if you will. It is what I do and how I do it. I may try to bring you into my mind or I may leave it up for your interpretation. I may not even being saying anything more than random utter nonsense.

I may be writing for another, expressing their pain through my writing because they cannot and know I would never betray my confidences but yet their pain becomes my pain. Therefore I can only chose to get it out the best way I know how before it eats at my soul and takes root in the seeds of depression that have come of their cleansing.

For that is a part of who I am and how I tick, the taking on of the emotions and feelings of others. It is another layer of me. I can turn it down but I can never turn it off. I am not sure that I want to though at times I have thought about it. I was able to stop the dreams for a time, but I realized that a part of me was under nourished and withering by trying to suppress something that is in me, has always and will always be a part of me. Even if I don’t want it to be it is there. By denying it, I was denying my soul the nourishment from that source and making my mind more miserable. Slowly I let myself dream. I learned from myself and am still healing.

We do things to help others and are our own worst enemies because we don’t give ourselves the basic components of what we need to be us. We give our money, our time, our very selves to others yet we don’t take enough time to do some very basic things for ourselves, whatever that may be.

My choice to write a public blog and put it out there: to be loved, hated, criticized or ignored was a growth within me from years of cultivation of life experience of mine and others. For me it took a huge amount of faith in myself to believe I could do it. And I have done it and continue to do so.

As I slide towards the one year mark of blogging, I am learning more and more what I need to do as a blogger and a writer.

I need to stop worrying and molly coddling and hand holding and “what if” second guessing myself and what I write. Only then will I be able to be the best writer I can be. It isn’t just blogging, but in all aspects of my writing and my very existence.

So all of the you’s worrying, just stop. It isn’t worth it.

I’m working on me and healing my soul and sharing my thoughts, feelings, rants, poems, goofiness and sometimes even useful information.

Fabulous Gracelessness, Lady Maos, Crazy Mama that I am, I am still only human. I still have flaws. They are just a bit fabulous though.

I don’t plan to stop any time soon.

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Throwing back and moving forward on this fabulous Thursday!


We are soooo close to the weekend and I am so ready!

Thursday is the day you try and finish all the many things you want to do that so on Friday, it starts feeling like that feeling when you get readying for a vacation. Or a few days off work!

So today I am going to be busier than usual due to my migraine Tuesday, which I worked through and my hangover migraine Wed. I also got a good bit done though not as much as I would like! It’s a catch up day plus finish my “chores”!

I got a good bit done on the house management part of my life this week and that made be happy. A bit more to go but thus far, happy client!

I was feeling all good about the resumes I had sent out.

I had to laugh though when 3 of the jobs I applied for turned out to be scams! The way they are worded seems legit, then they reply to you and all I can think is, “there must be a script somewhere because they all use certain catch phrases to tip you off that it is a scam!”

A few weeks ago I thought I had found a great personal assistant job. The hours were what I needed and I could also do my freelance work and most importantly, spend more time with the boy.

I agreed and we emailed back and forth. They said they would be sending me a check to start.

I somewhat forgot about it so when it did come in I was surprised. It was drawn on a bank I was familiar with so I took it to my local bank.

I had one of those “odd feelings” and told the teller to check and see if the check was legit. She asked me why and I blurted out, “well this could be a scam and I want to make sure it isn’t.”

She handed me over to another manager and then the branch manager, actually now a good friend, who came out to talk to me.

He ran the account and found that the “company” would have you deposit the funds into your account and then cancel the check.

They would encourage you to withdraw part of the funds as soon as possible. Then then wanted you to send the funds to their “art dealer” and the “art” would be sent to you. They also suggested I use the outside deposit for “my convenience!

Yes SCAM!

So I am still searching for a possible part time day job, while writing, doing home management, volunteering and caring for the boy.

However today I will be focusing more on the boy and his schooling.

I get to confront the “better” school on what they can do for my kid. I want them to back up what I had been told when I did the first tour 4 months ago. Apparently a lot has changed.

I also get to do a little shopping because my main manager loves me and says I need a few items of clothing. She is the best manager ever! If you know me you will be laughing at that statement! It is true she is the best, but I am a bit biased because we are related! She is kind enough to let me help her out around her home and believes in me and my ability to write, be a caregiver and make a good living.

Do you know how blessed I am to have someone believe in me enough to give me a chance to make my dreams come true?!

Plus the perks are fabulous, I may be writing to you beachside next week, and she is pretty flexible with my hours.

She knows that I will only do the best work and I do get things taken care of even if it takes me a bit longer because I am doing my very best. Nothing else will do.

So today as I get my errands run and eventually write a few more articles, my mind will be drifting off to next weeks’ vacation with my fabulous family!

I’m so ready I wish we could leave Friday. No Saturday! I have chores and errands Friday too! Haha

My OCD won’t allow me to leave until all of my responsibilities are taken care of.

And the boy? He’s coming with me.

At the tender age of almost 5 he is starting to get the “is it Friday yet?!” thing.

I love it!

I am going into this day with hope and happiness!

My wish is for you to find a bit of hope and happiness on this fabulous Thursday!

Stay graceless my friends!

 tbt kid on potty

PS I had to post one of those “throwback Thursday” photos. See how my love for words goes wayyyy back?!