My heart is home. I feel so much lighter. I can breathe better. He is a part of me and I am a part of him. A bond that nothing can break. A love that goes beyond anything I have ever imagined and cannot put into words.
It’s so hard to “share” a child. Sometimes life throws you curves you just didn’t even see coming when a miracle happens.
I prayed for so many years to have a child.
After a while, I didn’t care how it happened I just knew I was supposed to be a mommy.
I saw and dreamed of a child. I seriously thought I was crazy at times. The child from my visions had blonde hair and blue eyes. Their coloring didn’t match mine but it is what I saw. I prayed.
Years went by. I researched ways to become a mommy through all kinds of avenues. There are tons of options but most of them cost more than I could afford. It didn’t help my body decided to play some sort of twisted game of let’s mess with her hormones, her baby making parts and her mind. 8 surgeries, not necessarily to get pregnant but to at least clear a path and relieve me of discomfort.
Then it finally happened. In a very old fashioned, unplanned and completely unexpected way.
God, the universe and my GrandMaMa have a heck of a sense of humor. On my 39th birthday, 6 years ago, I Prayed. I asked that I please be given some sort of sign if this child of my visions and dreams was to come from me.
A month later, I was pregnant. I was also terrified. My situation wasn’t exactly ideal; however, I knew that this was my sign. If this was meant to be, then this was the ride I was taking.
It hasn’t been easy. There has been pain, loss and heartache along the way. I’ve lost people in my life both because of the relationship that his father and I don’t have as well as people who are no longer on this ride with me. Like my grandparents and my Daddy.
Hand to God my boy is The Absolute Best thing that I have contributed to the universe as a whole. It’s like everything else was a prelude to this beautiful creature that lived inside me like an alien for 38 weeks. This child that I am responsible for, that I would do anything for… I am responsible for teaching him, nurturing him and loving him unconditionally. There is so much it overwhelms me. It brings me to my knees.
I am so far from perfect. I make mistakes. Usually huge big ones that end poorly. You can fill in the cracks of those with the many little ones I make far too often.
I also know how to love unconditionally. I still know how to be a kid. I am learning how to walk that line of parent and friend. Sometimes I have to be more parent because of our situation, but I know he loves me unconditionally and he wants to understand why things are the way they are.
He is still so innocent yet understands far more about life and death and how some people can be so kind and others so cruel. He is just 5 years old, yet he has seen far more of death that many adults. All up in his little face and he teaches others of eternal love. He does not forget.
He is so much like me and so much his own self.
I want to do so much more for him and I also want him to learn to do so much more for others.
I love that he gives his all and loves so big. He still snuggles.
I know life can change in an instant.
I know that there isn’t a day, hours, minutes that goes by that I don’t think of him and my heart swells more than I thought was possible.
I know I have no idea how much time any of us have. But I do know, that I am so blessed beyond measure that that boy chose me to be his mommy.
I know that miracles happen, prayers are answered and no matter what, I do everything in my power to keep him along the loving, happy paths he will take. I will follow him into the woods to get him back on a peaceful path for as long as I am able. After I am gone, he will always know he has me on his side. After all, he is a part of me. And I am a part of him.
Keep Hope Alive.
Hope brought me a miracle. You could say he’s my Christmas miracle. Believe. Never, ever, ever give up!
fabulousgracelessness 