breathe

Take a moment, breathe…take today

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

imagination run wild

Please take a moment.

Take a breath.

Today is a new day to find your own way.

Today is yours to do with what you may.

Remember that your actions and any of you deeds, will be sure to come back to help or hurt you, some say in threes.

Try to make peace with you self and your life.

I know it can be hard as there’s joy and strife.

There are so many emotions strewn in between the fabric of my life and the belief in things unseen.

My journey is filled with challenges as well as moments of pure bliss.

I can truly say that my experiences thus far have lead me straight to this.

A moment in time, the right time of year… I feel everything that’s dealt to me and I’ve cried a thousand tears.

I’ve realized the times I treasure and focus on the more than before.

Just when I think the waters are calm the storms being once more.

Then I stop and breathe and remember my heart.

I only have to find the place in my soul.

I am not alone.

No one is alone unless they chose to be.

I do not have control over anyone but me.

I will keep my dreams alive and do my best to all of those I love and know they accept me for who I am.

IMG_8100

Fabulous, graceless, flawed, crazy, loving, full of life and hope, caregiver, mother, imperfect, friend, daughter, sister, broken in places, aunt, flake, human be-ing evolving constantly.

Above all always remember to keep hope alive!

 

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sometimes

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Sometimes

Sometimes it seems so hard to just move. It’s hard to go on with a smile on my face acting as if I am doing fabulous. Though I think the matching baggage under my eyeballs tell a bit of the story. But only a tiny portion.

I sometimes feel overwhelmed about life. It isn’t always due to outside forces, but often from somewhere inside. Things I need to for myself and my sanity for me to be able to survive. Sometimes people don’t understand that and I get it.

Who am I kidding? I want to more than just survive, but also thrive in my life. I have so many things that are good in my life. The boy, people, situations and over all just fabulousness.

sometimes stand alone

I also have things that are somewhat beyond my control yet things that I do have some power in how they are handled. Of course other things that make me pause and think about the course my life is on currently. Where can I make improvements, what can I change to make things better, those kinds of things.

That is where sometimes the inability to move creeps in. I have so much to do, so many things I need to take care of and I get lost in some form of time suckage. I can watch children’s television programming, I can get lost in a book. Or I can just sleep, which is what I want to do the most of lately.

sometimes wrestle snuggle with deamons

I think today I am going to take one step at a time. This middle day of the work week, I am going to remember to stop and breathe. So often I go and go and go. Instead of stopping I seem to kick it up a notch. I know I need to slow down. No one can keep up at this pace. So I make myself stop.

Maybe we all need to slow down every once in a while so that we aren’t forced to stop. We just need to remember that.

For my own sanity, I will keep hope alive and get through this day. But I will give it my all while remembering to take it easy too. I can do this. I am the Fabulously Graceless Lady Maos.

 ST just not do anything

 

 

Christmas Eve is Here!!!!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

ce twas night b4

It’s Christmas Eve and throughout the motherland

Folks are running about, loud as marching bands

Last minute shopping and baking as such

Errands and visiting can be a bit much

Trying to hold on to the last thread of sanity

Knowing my actions don’t affect just me

Holding my tongue and smiling real big

Once it’s all done I may dance a jig

I pray for some peace and a little more sleep

But there’s so much to do as I’m in here quite deep

All at once I stop, take a breath, just breathe

The calm washes over me like the breeze in the trees

I’ll make it through this with joy in my heart

And tomorrow we do the loving Christmas part

Please take the day, if you can, and relax and enjoy

For I know I will be with my family and boy

I hope you all have a true fabulous day

Keep hope Alive and enjoy Christmas Eve play

ce santa

Staying positive and always keeping hope alive!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 4 Comments

Oh what a beautiful mornin’! Oh what a beautiful day! I’ve got a wonderful feelin’, everything’s goin’ my way! *Opening song from musical “Oklahoma!

Do you ever just feel like Finally you can exhale and that no matter what everything will be ok? Yes there are still challenges and battles to face. Such is life. But how your outlook is depends on how it affects you.

inhale let exhale go

I’m known for being somewhat cheery and positive the majority of the time. Scary and weird to me and especially to some of those who truly know me! But I really feel that having a positive outlook, Keep Hope Alive (OTB 2001), genuinely helps you keep positive even when you know you have things you would rather not deal with or situations you know you have no control over, whatever it may be.

I have to stop and really let it go (damn Disney and their songs haha) in order to be able to let myself be free to the stress. Not condoning actions I don’t believe in or supporting something that is against my own personal beliefs, but I have to let the anger go. Let the stress and worry go in order to move forward and overcome the situation or circumstance. Otherwise it will eat away at my core, my soul, and that isn’t healthy for me or for anyone else.

Friends often ask me how I can handle, be friends with, tolerate certain people. They wonder why I give more chances than I should. It’s because I want to believe people, no matter how many times have proven your wrong or hurt you, can change at least for that moment. And if they don’t how I can go from compassion to cold hearted in what seems the blink of an eye.

Everyone has their breaking point. Their line that they consider once you’ve crossed it, sadly it is done and you must then take measures you would rather not take but you cannot keep having a vicious cycle that repeatedly harms repeat itself.

It’s these circumstances, situations I have no control of that I have no choice, in my opinion to KEEP HOPE ALIVE and be positive for myself. I don’t see any other alternatives for me. It’s my choice of how I cope with life.

breathe and release that which does not serve you

Tomorrow is my boy’s 5th birthday. He truly is a miracle. When I think about where I was 5 years ago, the people in my life and the ones no longer here, it is bittersweet. But no matter what I know in my soul I am going to be positive not only today but this whole week. It’s the boy birthday celebration week in my world. My mindset and attitude directly affects him. I believe in letting him learn about life but I am also working to instill in him the sense of hope and peace within himself and learning how to find that own his own. The “self-soothing” techniques all people use.

Remember to breathe.

Remember to always keep hope alive.

“Oh what a beautiful mornin’! Oh what a beautiful day! I got a wonderful feelin’, everything’s goin’ my way!”

Stay fabulous!

stop smile breathe life is beautiful

The Mid-Week Hustle

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Welcome to the midweek hustle!

If you’re reading this, you’re still breathing so be happy!

You may be going through a rough patch, hell, it may be a rough month/year but you are still on this planet breathing in and out, so be grateful.

So many have not made it this far.

I know personally it has been a challenging week for me.

I have been blessed to have wonderful humans in my life to help drag me from the brink and take care of me. Even when I think “I’m fine” and I am being stubborn they seem to keep sticking around.

I spent part of my weekend with my girls in Atlanta and oh how I needed it!

We didn’t “do” much, we did have a birthday party for a dear friend, but as far as getting out and doing things, no that didn’t happen other than dinner one night.

I didn’t go to sleep before 3:00 AM either night I was there!

I wish I could say I was up dancing and partying, however since I was up late 2 nights, anyone that knows me knows that isn’t possible!

I did, however, enjoy awesome, silly conversations with my friends, covering every topic we could think up! From our fashion faux pas, relationship, politics to what were are planning to eat, we discussed it all. We laughed until we cried and kept going. Let’s just say I was not an early riser those days!

I spent the rest of my child free time working, cleaning and with my someone special. We will see where it leads but I have a lot of hope this time around!

The best part of today is my boy comes home!

I have missed that little booger!

He’s went for his final week with his dad and grandparents and I know he had fun as I got updates, but golly gee do I miss him when he is gone.

Also today will be crazy hustle as early scheduling for work and then karate with my boy, then we again go to our happy place at the beach. Another fun family vacation! I wish I had my cousins and brother, sister-in-law and nephew going too as it is a lot of fun with so many helping hands, but we will have fun no matter what.

So I wish to end this on a happy, full of hope kind of note.

Always remember to Keep Hope Alive!

Stay fabulous my graceless friends!

Lady Maos

It’s a Marvelous Monday!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Ah Monday we meet again!

The beginning of another work week, the start of a brand new week…. What do you have in store for me?!

I know I get to work, knit and clean, but what other jewel will you offer up to me?!

For you see, I have decided to have a Marvelous Monday.

I’ve had enough of manic Mondays. There will always be manic Mondays because that is a part of life.

I thought I would find the positive and go with the good flow, happiness and memories to carry me through the day, if not the week.

I am trying another perspective on the Monday thing.

A more positive spin if you will.

I was blessed to spend the weekend with some absolutely fabulous humans and I want to carry their awesomeness with me through this week.

Their outlooks on life shared with me, and they were all from all walks of life, and these wonderful humans also shared their time and space with me.

We ate, talked, danced and even shared comfortable silence together.

Just humans being.

Too often we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life and forget to take in those jewels of life. We get caught up in the routines and schedules, yes they are needed, but we also need to remember to breathe and reflect for just a moment when we are running through life. I found that’s when those jewels are discovered.

So I challenge you to try and have a Fabulous Marvelous Monday.

Or even a Terrific Tuesday if you are all about skipping Monday. There is nothing wrong with that!

But try to try and find a way to catch that needed jewel in your life, whatever it may be.

I know I am sending out the hope!

Keep Hope Alive and have a fabulous and fantastic Marvelous Monday my Fabulously Graceless Friends!

*me channeling my Loretta Lynn “do”!

k as ll blk white

Missing my boy

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

I hate this emptiness.

My boy goes to his dad’s for a few days every other week.

You’d think I would be used to it after 2 years but I’m not.

I am already dreading his 2 weekends in a row away from me.

God knows I do need a break.

I know he will have fun.

I can’t help but worry.

It isn’t like we didn’t try to make it work.

We went to couples therapy before we even got married, however in hindsight, I realize we shouldn’t have married just because I got knocked up.

But it was a miracle I was able to have a child, our families felt it was right and we had been best friends for so long.

I was in a whirlwind of shock.

I tried so hard and I know he did too.

But if we are honest, it wasn’t the best idea.

And a treasured friendship was shattered.

But we got a beautiful, smart, willful, amazing child from it.

So I work on the “co-parenting” thing.

But my arms ache for my little mini me in male form.

And I breathe.

Because I can’t do anything else.

I write for him too so that one day he knows how much it hurt me to let him go but that I had to.

I know he will understand.

He just came to me, put his little arms around my neck, and said, “Mommy, I know you’re working but I just had to tell you I love you and you’re the bestest mommy I ever had.”

How could I not miss that?!

I have written how much it meant to me to be his mommy. How I never thought I would be a mommy. How happy I am he chose me to be his mommy “this time” as he puts it.

His journals from his mommy.

Stories and poems of my life before him, my thoughts and dreams and how he was a part of my dreams.

Later I will be mom or even mother, but for now I am mommy.

When he is not with me I miss him more than I ever knew was possible.

I love this child with a feral intensity that I didn’t know I was capable of.

I’m thankful he has family on both sides that love him and want to be with him.

I know how precious that is.

I know I want only the best for him but I can’t do everything.

I know I make mistakes and that I am far from perfect.

I know I can’t control how everything plays out.

I know I will never stop loving him no matter what he chooses.

I know I will never stop fighting for him and being his strongest supporter.

I know I will never stop teaching him how to be a better human being.

I know I will never stop disciplining him, even when he’s 30 because I know I will always be his mama. No matter where I am.

So now I will write in his journal and look at pictures of this beautiful creature I created and be thankful I have him for the time I am given.

Because I am thankful I have him at all.

b run

Just a little more time

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

TIME meme

All I need is just a little more time.

A little more time for work.

A little more time for play.

A little more time for others.

A little more time for me.

Please.

Just help me find a little more time.

Time eye photo

Otherwise, I feel I’m slipping.

Falling.

Out of sorts.

Struggling to catch up.

time running girl

Struggling to catch all the “balls” I have in the air.

Watching some of them fall.

No way I can catch them all.

Being me I will pick up the pieces the best I can.

I will find a way.

I won’t lose hope today.

I will always keep hope alive.

But I won’t stop wishin’ for just a little more time.

time lost cannot be regained

 

My lifetime love of books and reading

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

I love to read.

I love to read just about anything really.

When I don’t read I feel like I am lost.

A ship set adrift on an ocean of silence.

I can get lost in a book.

Yes a real, honest to God book with paper pages.

I do read on the computer, the kindle, my smarter-than-me phone and iPad.

I still enjoy the newspaper and magazines.

But a book is what can calm me.

Can make me loose myself for hours. Days.

I get so caught up in them I feel as though I am a part of another world.

I find my moods sometimes run the course of the characters while I am reading.

So reading something soul scathing or “horrifying” can twist my mind.

My train of thought never strays far from the pages I am reading and I find myself talking and thinking in the manner of the characters I absorb.

No I don’t get all psycho crazed serial killer, motherless, faithful, happy human on people… like I said I read a bit of everything!

But I can’t help but wonder how they would think, talk or react in situations or conversations I am in.

It’s like they become real.

Maybe it’s because I started reading at such a young age.

My imagination took me to magical places. Dark places. Places most of my friends didn’t visit mostly due to the things I learned in the books I read.

I read The World Book Encyclopedias and others of the same genre because I had access to them.

Before the internet I remember sneaking into the adult section in the library.

Not to read the love stories or the erotica, though I did read those, but to real the real life stories they didn’t necessarily allow in the kids section.

It’s like they wanted to hide us from the realities of life.

I remember reading Amityville Horror when I was around 12. I had to hide it because I would have bad dreams and it was definitely not something this 12 year old girl needed to be reading with my vivid imagination! I remember I would jump when the house would creak. I was a rebel hiding my books so I wouldn’t get in trouble!

It was close to the time when the original “Poltergeist” movie came out. Yeah, I totally freaked myself out! Between that and Cujo I was definitely on my way to loving horror movies and books were something I could do anytime and almost anyplace.

I learned to read in the car to tune out my brother.

When I got in trouble and had to go to my room I read.

Can’t watch TV? Read a book.

I can actually say I read more than I watch TV.

I went years without cable only watching the occasional movie and TV at friend’s homes. This was when I was an adult!

I also have no choice but to finish a book. I can’t not finish. Maybe it’s my OCD or maybe it’s because I started it and I have to finish it. Even when it’s horrible writing and painful to get through I have to finish.

When I read I learn. I look up things that I don’t understand and still have a dictionary, not dictionary.com, to look up words if I am unsure of the meaning.

Some call me odd and that’s ok.

I would rather read than talk to people some days!

I urge you to read something.

An article, a book, whether printed on paper or electronic reading just read!

In enriches your world!

Have a fabulously graceless day!

 

Migraine Me

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Since I was a teenager I have had migraines.

Sometimes they are so intense I have to lie down in a dark, cold room and just lay there because I can’t really function. To walk feels like nails piercing my brain through the souls of my feet.

They used to make me so sick physically, but now I only have a bit of nausea, which I will take over praying to the porcelain god any day, thank you.

I’ve tried various medications and home remedies.

I have finally found a combination of both that help me at least get through one better but sometimes medication and sleep are the only relief.

The worst ones last for more than a day and yes, I have considered the Botox shot more than a few times due to the torture. I never thought I would be all for sticking a needle full of botulinum toxin into my head, but now there are times when I would happily pay to have someone shoot me up if it got rid of this 7th ring of hell in my head!

I sometimes put my hair, if I can bend over without getting sick or falling over, under freezing water until it penetrates my scalp and cools my brain off.

Often I will pull my hair from the roots to take the tension off my head.

Yes life with migraines is not all fun and games.

Though sometimes it is like a video game with the lights and auras I would prefer not to see with nails and knives digging into my brain.

I feel like I am disassociated with my body and that I am looking from the outside in.

I can function most of the time, but I know people that don’t know me and know how they affect me must think I am drinking or on drugs (I am but not the fun kind trust me) due to my slower responses. Or my really off the wall comments.

“You don’t feel well do you?”

“Oh just another migraine, is that a cat climbing up the wall? Wait that wasn’t what I meant!” That is an actual conversation I had with the boy’s teacher one morning! Once she realized I had a migraine she and I both laughed at my response. We get along very well and I always speak how I feel to her and vice versa but that one was new for her!

I guess I “look” normal to a degree.

I feel like I look crazed and would immediately look to see if there was a hospital band on my arm like I had escaped from a mental health facility!

I am actually writing this article while in the mists of a migraine.

I was scheduled to work and my patient was taken to the hospital. My first response was she ok. My new boss said I was really thoughtful as I’m sure there are those caregivers whose first response would be to ask if that meant no work. I can’t imagine not asking about the person taken to the hospital! And I don’t know the reason but I do know she is 94. I don’t care that she is 94 people live longer and have better quality of life I pray she is going to be fine. If my services are needed by her at a later time I do hope I get to meet her. If not it was meant to be. I can’t look at it any other way.

I told my boss I had a migraine and that I would be happy to fill in elsewhere if needed. She thanked me but the need was not there at the moment. And to take care of myself.

Now I am going over in my head the conversation because really, what if I said something about cat on the wall?! Not too cool!

I think all will be ok as when we got off the phone I remember us talking about my next job so keeping hope alive it is all good! I love this job!

So I finally put some food in me, a breakfast sandwich, go me! The photo shows proof I ate and also how it spills out is a bit how my head feels!

migraine brain breakfast

Yes food and coffee and water. My diet plan for the time being!

migraine coffee

Now I am off to try to work and get things done. Slowly that is!

Just saying a little prayer that tomorrow there is no migraine hangover! Ugh!

Keep hope alive!

Have a fabulous day my friends!