I hate this emptiness.
My boy goes to his dad’s for a few days every other week.
You’d think I would be used to it after 2 years but I’m not.
I am already dreading his 2 weekends in a row away from me.
God knows I do need a break.
I know he will have fun.
I can’t help but worry.
It isn’t like we didn’t try to make it work.
We went to couples therapy before we even got married, however in hindsight, I realize we shouldn’t have married just because I got knocked up.
But it was a miracle I was able to have a child, our families felt it was right and we had been best friends for so long.
I was in a whirlwind of shock.
I tried so hard and I know he did too.
But if we are honest, it wasn’t the best idea.
And a treasured friendship was shattered.
But we got a beautiful, smart, willful, amazing child from it.
So I work on the “co-parenting” thing.
But my arms ache for my little mini me in male form.
And I breathe.
Because I can’t do anything else.
I write for him too so that one day he knows how much it hurt me to let him go but that I had to.
I know he will understand.
He just came to me, put his little arms around my neck, and said, “Mommy, I know you’re working but I just had to tell you I love you and you’re the bestest mommy I ever had.”
How could I not miss that?!
I have written how much it meant to me to be his mommy. How I never thought I would be a mommy. How happy I am he chose me to be his mommy “this time” as he puts it.
His journals from his mommy.
Stories and poems of my life before him, my thoughts and dreams and how he was a part of my dreams.
Later I will be mom or even mother, but for now I am mommy.
When he is not with me I miss him more than I ever knew was possible.
I love this child with a feral intensity that I didn’t know I was capable of.
I’m thankful he has family on both sides that love him and want to be with him.
I know how precious that is.
I know I want only the best for him but I can’t do everything.
I know I make mistakes and that I am far from perfect.
I know I can’t control how everything plays out.
I know I will never stop loving him no matter what he chooses.
I know I will never stop fighting for him and being his strongest supporter.
I know I will never stop teaching him how to be a better human being.
I know I will never stop disciplining him, even when he’s 30 because I know I will always be his mama. No matter where I am.
So now I will write in his journal and look at pictures of this beautiful creature I created and be thankful I have him for the time I am given.
Because I am thankful I have him at all.