writing

Barely closer to the weekend and closer to my one year mark

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

One day closer into the week by a gnat’s hair.

I am also on the downward slide of writing daily for an entire year.

365 days in a row.

I’ve written more than once a day at times, but I made a promise to myself I would write daily. So far, I have stuck to it. It is not easy, but then I never thought I would be able to start a blog, much less be able to put something out daily. I know some days have really sucked content wise but other days, I feel like I put my all into it. It has been hard but it has been worth it!

I have learned more about myself and how people close to you react when you write publicly. That has been worth writing about for both recent and future content!

I have had some people that have stayed with me and others who are no longer in my life. I have lost friends and family in this past year. I have loved and lost and loved again. I am in love now and it is a beautiful thing.

Life has happened.

Life keeps happening.

So on this beautiful Tuesday, I wish you all Hope for a fabulous day!

Always Keep Hope Alive!

You never know what’s going to happen next… Live!

 

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I can’t write and molly coddle any more… I just can’t

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

I open my mind and the feelings pour onto the page. I cannot stop my flow of thought any more than I can stop the wind or the rain.

I am tired, so very tired, of trying to censor my thoughts. I am completely done with hand holding and molly coddling because someone may “think” the wrong thing about what I am writing.

10 minutes, 10 days or ten years you may have known me but you do not know what I really mean from these thoughts. They are only what you perceive them to be. I could be exuberant of I could be cutting it all depends on what I am feeling and how it comes out from me.

You and yOu and yoU and YOU… all think that I speak of You. Yet it isn’t You, but yOu. Or is it yoU? Maybe YOU?

For me all that matters is being able to try and articulate my perceptions, thoughts and feelings.

It is a cleansing, a spewing, an emptying if you will. It is what I do and how I do it. I may try to bring you into my mind or I may leave it up for your interpretation. I may not even being saying anything more than random utter nonsense.

I may be writing for another, expressing their pain through my writing because they cannot and know I would never betray my confidences but yet their pain becomes my pain. Therefore I can only chose to get it out the best way I know how before it eats at my soul and takes root in the seeds of depression that have come of their cleansing.

For that is a part of who I am and how I tick, the taking on of the emotions and feelings of others. It is another layer of me. I can turn it down but I can never turn it off. I am not sure that I want to though at times I have thought about it. I was able to stop the dreams for a time, but I realized that a part of me was under nourished and withering by trying to suppress something that is in me, has always and will always be a part of me. Even if I don’t want it to be it is there. By denying it, I was denying my soul the nourishment from that source and making my mind more miserable. Slowly I let myself dream. I learned from myself and am still healing.

We do things to help others and are our own worst enemies because we don’t give ourselves the basic components of what we need to be us. We give our money, our time, our very selves to others yet we don’t take enough time to do some very basic things for ourselves, whatever that may be.

My choice to write a public blog and put it out there: to be loved, hated, criticized or ignored was a growth within me from years of cultivation of life experience of mine and others. For me it took a huge amount of faith in myself to believe I could do it. And I have done it and continue to do so.

As I slide towards the one year mark of blogging, I am learning more and more what I need to do as a blogger and a writer.

I need to stop worrying and molly coddling and hand holding and “what if” second guessing myself and what I write. Only then will I be able to be the best writer I can be. It isn’t just blogging, but in all aspects of my writing and my very existence.

So all of the you’s worrying, just stop. It isn’t worth it.

I’m working on me and healing my soul and sharing my thoughts, feelings, rants, poems, goofiness and sometimes even useful information.

Fabulous Gracelessness, Lady Maos, Crazy Mama that I am, I am still only human. I still have flaws. They are just a bit fabulous though.

I don’t plan to stop any time soon.

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Filter-less

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

To live my life without filters. I wonder how that would go? If I actually said every thought that crossed my mind, how many people would be offended/mad/happy/laugh? I wonder.

If every piece I wrote was put out on display for all to see, would some be offended? Would there be backlash? Would I get calls/texts/emails asking if I was “OK”? I know I would get, “Who are you talking about?” I know some people would think it was them… they may be right and they may be wrong. I take my experiences and wrap them together. They could span days or years and be a culmination of my feelings as a whole, not for a particular circumstance. Or I could be taking the  experience shared by another and writing about it.

I am working very hard to tear down the walls of my filter. I have the problem of when I speak letting my thoughts just roll straight out of my mouth, however I find myself censoring my writing. I’m strange that way. Somehow I need to find that balance.

I need to not worry so much when I write that someone may be offended or concerned. I need to worry more when I speak than when I write.

I need to stop this censorship of self. I need to let go of the filters. I need to be me.

Writing my blog and what I am thinking… I need to not filter myself

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

I write how I feel and what I am thinking.

I write goofy poems, rhymes and sometimes nonsense.

I write stories and thoughts from other’s lives and things they’ve shared with me or that I have observed.

Often my words have been taken out of context.

Some have tried to use my own words against me.

Some have contacted me and thanked me for sharing as it reflected their own life.

I have received calls, texts and emails asking if I am okay. I can promise you, if it is here, I have most likely processed it and I am doing just fine…probably. Sometimes I allow myself to write raw. That can be dangerous as I just “let it go” and spew onto the paper. Sometimes I keep those and don’t let anyone see it. Sometimes it’s better that way.

When I chose to start a blog, I just did it. I had been told I couldn’t do it or I couldn’t commit to it for even a month. Most of those people aren’t around me anymore. The others I guess are eating their words.

I didn’t know how easy it was but also it is harder too. It’s like a double edge sword.

I still feel somewhat censored but I am working on that. Sometimes saying how you feel is a good thing. Other times even though it is cathartic for me, I may not sound so nice to others. That I even care is impressive to me.

I have always been the one marching to her own beat and being a bit of a rebel.

My blog is MY BLOG. Yet I find myself filtering myself. How ironic is that?

I am seeing what I really need to work on through my writing.

In writing, I find myself again.

 

FabulousGracelessness – 11 months and counting

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

For the last 11 months I have been writing this blog daily.

It is my personal challenge to write daily for a year. I have made it 11 months and as of today, I have plans to keep writing through daily until May 20, 2016.

I wonder what I will do once I reach that year milestone.

I know I can’t stop writing. I also wonder if I can keep it up daily! I had no idea how hard it would be.

There is so much I have to do that I didn’t have when I started writing FabulousGracelessness.

Yet I am unsure of what I will do as far as on a daily basis.

I love writing so very much. I love pouring my soul into my blog; however I also love pouring my soul into life!

I guess whatever path I chose I know that I will not stop writing.

It’s in me to put my thoughts out there. They can no longer be contained! I’m not so sure it’s best for everyone but I know that it works for me. Plus, www.fabulousgracelessness.com just auto-renewed for another year so why not?!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

 

Wants, needs and desires

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

IMG_8274

Lately I’ve been observing what I want, what I truly need and the things that I desire in my life.

I have been making a conscious effort to basically pick apart my thoughts, words, actions and deeds. I have been hard on myself as it is a painful thing to do, if I am being honest.

Seeing how I can be or can be perceived can tear at me in such a way it can leave me speechless.

Hearing how I sound at times when I communicate with others, once played back, can be looked upon as poor or plain miscommunication. Either way I know that in several relationships I need to work on conveying how I am feeling, not how I want to feel. Because if I am honest, I don’t often let people in as deep as I am due to the fact that I feel that if they truly saw ME they would run away and I would never hear from them again. It does happen. This I know.

I know that I am working to get my groove back since I started working full time plus outside of the realm of mommy, writer and homemaker diva.

I lost my crown a while back in case anyone was keeping score.

I have flaws but it’s odd that even when I state that for the record, it gets lost until I finally screw up enough that an attempt to toss it back at me ends poorly for all involved. I admit my quirks and imperfections. Take me or leave me but don’t act as if I have hidden them.

One of the things I now work into my life equations is the boy. Parenting is an amazing responsibility.

Before I had him all my thoughts, dreams and impulsions were much easier and I didn’t have to go with the flow I could swim against the current if I chose to do so. I can still swim against the currents, but I have to think about the other life I am responsible for. I have to choose what is not only best for me but him too.

Am I making it harder on me by choosing the easier path? Have I become a cop out?! Only I can answer those questions.

Only I can truly determine what I need versus my wants and desires. Something I do not take lightly. I can’t.

As I do daily, I am examining more closely me.

I try not to be so harsh on myself.

I always keep hope alive!

Sometimes writing is hard

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

snoopy

Sometimes I just don’t know what to write.

There are so many things on my mind, in my heart and in my soul.

But I find myself at a loss. I worry that I won’t be able to keep up with the pace I’ve set for myself.

I can’t not write.

Sometimes I am so tired, so worn out, so emotional that I just can’t put anything that makes sense into words to share.

I’m used to not wanting to actually speak. I am not so used to not being able to write. If I have a block on the computer I pick up a pen and paper.

After writing several pieces that were so raw and deep from within, I feel like other pieces become fluff.

Writing is as much a part of me as breathing.

It just happens.

I write so much but there are times when it isn’t meant to be shared with anyone. Or maybe I am just to sit on it for a while.

The words they call to me.

I have to let them out.

journal

 

Stop the train, I think I want to get off….

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

That moment when you are at your wits end and you call your sister and say, “Go out to the pen, grab a chicken, a rooster, whatever you have most of and sacrifice that critter and chant for things to get gooder!” Yeah, I totally had one of those moments.

Times like that is where 80’s movies and song quotes come to mind. “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Ferris Bueller. That’s the first one that popped in the old noggin’. Maybe being of the MTV and a Gen X’er play into that. Who knows?! And really, do I care? Eh, maybe not so much. I mean I can’t even place artist and songs together unless we go way back and even then I may know the entire song but not who sang it much less wrote it!

never know how strong u r until its only choice

By the way, the sacrifice thingy worked, at least for the one issue I had which involved an early start to my morning by at least an hour. And anyone who really knows me knows I am Not an early morning person unless I went to bed really early. I’m more of a night owl. Lately I am just a need more sleep-in-love-with-my-bed-and-think-about-it-far-too-often kind of owl. Human. Whatever!

This week has been a real hum-dinger! I am hoping and praying for a better today and a fabulous weekend. Life is what you make of it. Life may be tossing zingers at me, but I am truly working hard to handle it with class. Sometimes there just are no words. You have to just trust in what is there and believe in yourself. No matter how hard it gets, you know you can get through it. Maybe a little more worn than you had thought, but you make it through.

For me I learned when I had the boy that I can’t let those zingers drag me down for too long. I can wallow in it and I can ask why, but I also have to be present for him. I have to function for him and I want to. Gone are the days of me being able to stay in my pajamas for the weekend or when I come home from work. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sometimes let go

The whole single parenting thing can be very daunting at times. Even if you co-parent well, it doesn’t make other things just easy. If you don’t co-parent well and you have other issues, it can be even worse. I am just blessed to be a parent at all. I am just thankful he is so open and understanding with me. He talks to me about anything and he’s only 5. He tells me he knows he can talk to me about whatever he needs and I won’t get too mad or upset.

I do screw up, pretty much weekly, but I know I am doing something right. I know that my greatest contribution to this world isn’t the words that I write but the human I teach to go out into the world. Love. Hope. Compassion. Understanding. Questioning. Patience. Faith. Trust. All of those things as well as teaching him how some other people hate, and sometime for no reason than that was how they were taught. Heady stuff.

The best part is that he makes life more bearable when things are rough. He loves me unconditionally. That and I now know my sister will do the bird sacrifice for me make all right in my world!

Happy Friday Eve! Keep Hope Alive!!!

thrs is friday eve

 

 

sometimes

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Sometimes

Sometimes it seems so hard to just move. It’s hard to go on with a smile on my face acting as if I am doing fabulous. Though I think the matching baggage under my eyeballs tell a bit of the story. But only a tiny portion.

I sometimes feel overwhelmed about life. It isn’t always due to outside forces, but often from somewhere inside. Things I need to for myself and my sanity for me to be able to survive. Sometimes people don’t understand that and I get it.

Who am I kidding? I want to more than just survive, but also thrive in my life. I have so many things that are good in my life. The boy, people, situations and over all just fabulousness.

sometimes stand alone

I also have things that are somewhat beyond my control yet things that I do have some power in how they are handled. Of course other things that make me pause and think about the course my life is on currently. Where can I make improvements, what can I change to make things better, those kinds of things.

That is where sometimes the inability to move creeps in. I have so much to do, so many things I need to take care of and I get lost in some form of time suckage. I can watch children’s television programming, I can get lost in a book. Or I can just sleep, which is what I want to do the most of lately.

sometimes wrestle snuggle with deamons

I think today I am going to take one step at a time. This middle day of the work week, I am going to remember to stop and breathe. So often I go and go and go. Instead of stopping I seem to kick it up a notch. I know I need to slow down. No one can keep up at this pace. So I make myself stop.

Maybe we all need to slow down every once in a while so that we aren’t forced to stop. We just need to remember that.

For my own sanity, I will keep hope alive and get through this day. But I will give it my all while remembering to take it easy too. I can do this. I am the Fabulously Graceless Lady Maos.

 ST just not do anything

 

 

Hellooooooooooooo Monday!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

hello monday

Ah Monday my old friend, I’m hoping it’s good to see you again.

I have hopes that you will be, more than yesterday and kind to me.

I worked my tail off all weekend long. I feel today I need a song.

I will work all day that’s true. I hope the night is better too.

Starting a new week can be hard. Reading this you know I’m no bard.

But writing is a freeing of my heart and soul and sometimes I can get on a roll.

I work so hard to make words mesh. My heart and soul pour from this flesh. Sometimes things may be quite deep and other times I write half asleep.

Life comes out, melded experiences too and no I don’t write about “you”.

The words I write come from deep within and from places others have been.

If you can relate to what I write, I’m happy to share my odd insight.

For those who know me and those who don’t have a clue, I have to write it’s just what I do.

So go into this day and Keep Hope Alive! For see this Monday has fully arrived.

keep hope alivw