Lately I’ve been observing what I want, what I truly need and the things that I desire in my life.
I have been making a conscious effort to basically pick apart my thoughts, words, actions and deeds. I have been hard on myself as it is a painful thing to do, if I am being honest.
Seeing how I can be or can be perceived can tear at me in such a way it can leave me speechless.
Hearing how I sound at times when I communicate with others, once played back, can be looked upon as poor or plain miscommunication. Either way I know that in several relationships I need to work on conveying how I am feeling, not how I want to feel. Because if I am honest, I don’t often let people in as deep as I am due to the fact that I feel that if they truly saw ME they would run away and I would never hear from them again. It does happen. This I know.
I know that I am working to get my groove back since I started working full time plus outside of the realm of mommy, writer and homemaker diva.
I lost my crown a while back in case anyone was keeping score.
I have flaws but it’s odd that even when I state that for the record, it gets lost until I finally screw up enough that an attempt to toss it back at me ends poorly for all involved. I admit my quirks and imperfections. Take me or leave me but don’t act as if I have hidden them.
One of the things I now work into my life equations is the boy. Parenting is an amazing responsibility.
Before I had him all my thoughts, dreams and impulsions were much easier and I didn’t have to go with the flow I could swim against the current if I chose to do so. I can still swim against the currents, but I have to think about the other life I am responsible for. I have to choose what is not only best for me but him too.
Am I making it harder on me by choosing the easier path? Have I become a cop out?! Only I can answer those questions.
Only I can truly determine what I need versus my wants and desires. Something I do not take lightly. I can’t.
As I do daily, I am examining more closely me.
I try not to be so harsh on myself.
I always keep hope alive!