parenting

Creeping back into my life!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 4 Comments

So I have been gone for a bit.

Ahem.

About that, I am sorry.

I realized I haven’t been keeping up with my promise to myself, which is to write and keep up with my blog.

I think the last time I wrote was over a year ago… seriously what the hell have I been up to that made me not keep my promise to myself?

LIFE.

Sometimes, you get thrown some shit and you honestly don’t know how to handle it.

For me, I feel like I shut down parts of my life and I am realizing I Need those parts!

I need my outlet and I am so tired of censoring myself that I can’t see straight… I am tired of censoring myself around others, on social media, in Life. All so I don’t “hurt anyone’s feelings”, yet I am stepping on my own feelings and putting them aside, and in some situations, for people who don’t give a damn about me or my feelings.

I have had some wild health issues that I’m still working out. As this goes to post I have a long awaited appointment with a neurologist!

I have had health issues pretty much all of my life so I roll with the punches.

This last round of fuckery has been a bit more than I have been accustomed to.

For over 20 years I dealt with autoimmune issues and I understood how to handle my body when it decided to rebel against me. I thought I could handle anything.

Boy was I wrong!

I’ve had things go so awry lately that I have been left muttering “what in the actual hell with” to myself.

I’ve been doing the doctor train where one doctor refers you to another doctor and so on… and everyone is a specialist so that’s extra as is blood, new medications – freaking injections I had to give Myself… so yeah I got a bit inside of myself and my feelings of sorrow for myself.

We also adopted a dog in the middle of this maos of my life.

The boy asked for only a few things for Christmas in his letter to Santa…

A puppy, a Spiderman Homecoming action figure, an IronMan action figure and for his family to feel better.

And I know we won’t have the magic of Santa too much longer, he’s 8 almost 9, and we wanted a dog since ours passed 5 years ago.

He has several family members that have health issues, including me, so this really touched me. I have feelings!

I am such a sucker! HA!  Meet Pi, named for the Greek Pi symbol on his chest, and it just stuck!

I share this because getting a young dog is like having a child. For Real. If that offends you, then I’m not sorry and since I have both and it’s my blog, this is what I was referring to above… done with censorship of myself!

But I love my boys… they are pretty cute!

And I think with that I will end this here for now…

Definitely more to come!

I’ve kept my domain and started more blogs which I haven’t been able to do.

This is exciting!

Keep Hope Alive!

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Two pairs of shoes for one

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 2 Comments

shoes

This photo speaks volumes.

Two pairs of shoes.

Same size for the same boy.

It’s transition time.

He goes from mommy’s to dad’s.

I do everything to make it easy for him.

Sometimes he doesn’t want to go.

He doesn’t always want to leave me, but he loves his dad.

I assure him we both love him and want to spend time with him.

There is something about our bond.

Mother and son.

It isn’t something I can easily articulate.

He was born an old soul.

I saw it in his eyes as I held him in my arms those first nights, alone with him at the hospital.

Just this creature I gave birth to, myself and the kind nurses.

No matter how great my pain, I wanted him with me every time they brought him in from the nursery.

I Knew I would do Everything in my power to protect him.

I didn’t realize how hard that would be, but somehow this child that I created understands.

He knows that I will Love him No Matter What.

He’s learned that life and people are not perfect firsthand.

Including me.

He’s seen more than many children his age because he Sees.

He’s seen death, divorce and sadness.

He has Always known Love from his village.

And his mother.  

I am proud of how well he handles life.

His compassion and love of others.

His love of farting and being his crazy boy self.

The songs in his head and dance moves in his soul.

His amazing imagination and abilities to draw what he sees in his mind.

I love this child with my whole being.

But those shoes, they undo me.

He sees me smile and encourage him to have fun, love and enjoy his time with his other family.

He knows I miss him more than I will ever say.

I tell him I am in his heart and always with him.

I wait until he’s back in my arms again for my time.

My life isn’t perfect, but it is full with love.

Ramblings in the middle of the week

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

“You have to be honest with someone because if you’re not, you can’t feel their heart anymore.” The Boy, Wise beyond his 5 years.

 

I really have to thank my friend for challenging us to write for 30 days.

It’s been too long since I’ve blogged anything.

I felt like I couldn’t write on my own damn page.

I felt somewhat crippled by all that was going on in my life and putting anything out here would be misconstrued, used against me or poured over for some obscure meaning that has nothing to do with anything other demented delusions.

I felt overwhelmed with the prospect of writing and putting my thoughts and feelings “out there”.  

I never stopped writing of course. That isn’t an option for me! I have always written in journals and my hiatus from blogging was due to my hesitation to share any of my life publically. My journal is overflowing so of course I have topics… lots and lots of topics!

I often reflect, observe and replay my life over in my mind. I go through situations, conversations and emotions, both my own and others.

I often over analyze why I do certain things and react in certain ways.

In a nut shell, I may seem bat shit crazy, however, I try to be loyal, compassionate and honest with folks. More so with those I love and respect. I am just me.

I am happy to be back!

Keep hope alive for a fabulous Wednesday!

 

**Special shout out to my boy WD celebrating the big 21 today! So proud to be your crazy auntie!**

 

Things that matter to me

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Things that really matter to me

My son

My family… well most of them, some of them are quite crazy

My friends who are always there no matter what

My boyfriend and his awesome son

My job because I love taking care of others even when it makes me crazy

My health so I can do all the things I need to do, not just what I want to do

Having a roof over the boy’s head

Making sure the boy is cared for and knows that he is LOVED

Making sure those I love Know that I love them for who they are, not what they can do for me

Writing… I always knew and writing my blog confirmed for me it is something that makes me feel whole

Being kind to others, because sometimes you may be the only person who is nice to someone and it can make a difference

Having food to fuel my body and soul

Always having hope because hope leads to happiness which leads to love which gives you the ability to get through the storms in life knowing that you have hope, you’ll find happiness and life is so much better with love

Keep hope alive

Caverns and butterflies

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This past weekend I enjoyed visiting one of the oldest caverns in the United States right here in sweet home Alabama.

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I went with my boyfriend and our sons, a total of 4 of us trekking on an adventure. Naturally I am out-gendered, however I know how to run with the boys and even impress with my ability to keep up… in a few instances be in the lead and one moment, questioning my sanity, riding with the boy on a flip you upside down ride. I was actually proud of myself as I didn’t say any crude words just closed my eyes and laughed hysterically. I’m just thankful my man didn’t photograph or video that! Leave it to my 5 year old to want to ride that!

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Neither of us adults had been there in over 20 years. We learned that they had moved the main entrance; stairs are a liability, and also closed part of the cavern due to flooding. I think it made us both feel better because neither of us remembered going in the way we did. I thought I remembered a lot of stairs too. It’s kind of sad they had to close it off but it was still as awe inspiring and fun as it was when we were kids.

They’ve added a mini movie and a laser light show. Although amusing, the light show was kind of cheesy but still fun.

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We did get some awesome photos of the cavern, the scenery outside and of course ones with the kids being kids. His phone is newer than mine so the photos were better but we laughed at the photos we took of the same things from similar angles. It makes me want a camera or a better phone!

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We also visited the beautiful butterfly house. We went towards the end of the day so there weren’t too many people in there at all but the four of us and what seemed like a hundred butterflies. It was so beautiful. Sometimes it is nice to just observe the beauty.

Sometimes you need to just get out and go. Don’t worry so much about all the “chores” that need to be done because they will eventually get done. You don’t always get that chance to just enjoy the beauty in our natural surroundings. Take it when and while you can.

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Keep hope alive!

 

I see, I feel, I find

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

I see beauty in the everyday things

My son’s sleepy smile

The purple sky photo

The rocks in the yard

The flowers starting to bud

The sun streaming through the window

Her laughter through the maos

The smile on his face

I feel love in the little things

A touch

A smile

A tear

I find myself in these things in life

 

Those end of year school programs… bring your own meds

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May seems the month we have more end-of-year functions for kids as I am learning. End of year programs, festivals, carnivals and graduations are weekly around these parts.

Children now graduate from Pre-K. And as I am learning, it is apparently a big deal. There is a presentation with brochure and everything. The boy has a role in the program and I am highly amused and slightly concerned! His other end-of-year programs are group things but this is the first time the boy will be one of two kids performing, and reading at that! Of course I am so proud and to be honest, I was kind of shocked. I communicate regularly with his teacher and we discuss his strong areas and what we need to work on, etc. but she didn’t mention this as she knew I would be happy! We are close. She knows I know there are rules but if he gets out of line she has my permission to treat him as her own and put him back into the line or out of the game all together! Of course, this is only Pre-K not “real school” per se.

And today we are at yet another end of year program which is his second for this “extra-curricular” activity in which he learns all kinds of fun skills, coordination, language, arts, working solo and as a part of a team. It’s a cool little deal and his second and last year to do it. He gets to perform and also will get a trophy. He loves the teacher and the kids so it’s worth it. Plus, I admit it’s quite entertaining to see around 40 kids between 4-6 dancing and performing! There are always a few who sit down and just stare… the boy did that on his first performance! Once he goes to “big school” a.k.a kindergarten they no longer offer this program. I am sure there will be “cooler” and probably more costly options though!

So to anyone attending one of these functions, I wish you the best of luck and sanity! As for me, I’ll be the mom volunteering calmly, thanks to medications.

Just keep swimming and keep hope alive!

 

Beginning life outside the comfort zone

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

life begins happy friday

I have been going through so many phases in my life with so many changes to both my personal and professional life recently. Most all of them are good, some are challenging and others I just don’t even know how to categorize. I know that I have felt more alert and acutely aware at times.

Because of all of this there are other times when I am totally wiped from trying to do so many things and cover so many bases. I don’t need to be dropping my basket again, folks would start talking. Wagging their tongues like they know me when the reality is they have no idea about me. They see me, look at me, access from their perspective and judge me when they don’t even speak to me but at me. Where is their basis for judgment when you don’t communicate?

I actually work to make my life better. I work for myself, my son and the people I love in my life. I work to make my job better and I don’t do it for the money, but for the love of helping others.

Yet I am judged. I am no saint. I have made plenty of mistakes. I also know that if I don’t try things, I will never find full inner peace. I can’t go through life without living it. There will be bumps, dings and sometimes even big blow ups through this journey.

prison of how others see you

But I have to do it my way, on my terms, with the people I chose and not who someone else thinks I need to be doing their way. Last time I checked I am an adult, albeit one who sometimes wishes I could lay off the adulting at times, I still do all of my “adult chores.” I am also mommy to a small boy who counts on me… that’s responsibility. He is healthy and happy and has always had consistency with me. Sure we’ve had adventures and had really challenging things happen to us, but he has come through those challenges stronger, better and with his own quirky views and also compassionate and loving. He is also full speed ahead and a 5 year old boy who is curious, presses boundaries and is a human sponge. Life is never dull around him.

It is during these challenging times I find myself out of my comfort zone. During these outings, is where I find out more about myself and I realize I can’t let the judgment of others cloud what I need to do for me.

Step outside of your comfort zone for a bit. It’s good for you.

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Monday take 2… Tuesday

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 2 Comments

I seriously did not want to get up yesterday. I was all comfy and snuggled in bed and the alarm went off and I thought of 10 reasons I could stay home. I let snooze go off at least 5 times, maybe more. I got up running, got up the boys, made coffee and got ready and didn’t stop at work until I left and then took calls.

We are growing, the company I work for. It is an awesome thing. It is also exhausting at times. It’s emotional, wonderful, frustrating and I can’t imagine anything I would rather do and be paid to do. Other than like sleep or something like that. No reality TV for me… HA!

There is so much I have to accomplish. I am trying and the struggle is real. I feel like just trying to keep myself and the boy fed, watered and alive should be considered major accomplishments at the moment. I feel tired.

The truth is I am happier than I have ever been and I am also pretty stressed… a twisted dichotomy to be sure.

I have some things in my personal life that are just sucky and other things that make me so happy deep down in my soul.

I have Hope! Keep Hope Alive!

I also have a lot on my plate so I’m going to go get ‘er done.

Hopefully, after today, Monday will be over… until next week and the cycle will begin again. Hopefully with the same start and better maotic days!

As the late, great George Carlin said, “Holy shit it’s only Tuesday?!” I feel ya George, I do.