Wants, needs and desires


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Lately I’ve been observing what I want, what I truly need and the things that I desire in my life.

I have been making a conscious effort to basically pick apart my thoughts, words, actions and deeds. I have been hard on myself as it is a painful thing to do, if I am being honest.

Seeing how I can be or can be perceived can tear at me in such a way it can leave me speechless.

Hearing how I sound at times when I communicate with others, once played back, can be looked upon as poor or plain miscommunication. Either way I know that in several relationships I need to work on conveying how I am feeling, not how I want to feel. Because if I am honest, I don’t often let people in as deep as I am due to the fact that I feel that if they truly saw ME they would run away and I would never hear from them again. It does happen. This I know.

I know that I am working to get my groove back since I started working full time plus outside of the realm of mommy, writer and homemaker diva.

I lost my crown a while back in case anyone was keeping score.

I have flaws but it’s odd that even when I state that for the record, it gets lost until I finally screw up enough that an attempt to toss it back at me ends poorly for all involved. I admit my quirks and imperfections. Take me or leave me but don’t act as if I have hidden them.

One of the things I now work into my life equations is the boy. Parenting is an amazing responsibility.

Before I had him all my thoughts, dreams and impulsions were much easier and I didn’t have to go with the flow I could swim against the current if I chose to do so. I can still swim against the currents, but I have to think about the other life I am responsible for. I have to choose what is not only best for me but him too.

Am I making it harder on me by choosing the easier path? Have I become a cop out?! Only I can answer those questions.

Only I can truly determine what I need versus my wants and desires. Something I do not take lightly. I can’t.

As I do daily, I am examining more closely me.

I try not to be so harsh on myself.

I always keep hope alive!

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Monday’s comin’ for you


move it monday

One, two, Monday’s coming for you…. well actually it’s here whether you are ready for it or not!

On weekends that the boy is with his other family I am usually on call for work. When I first started working being on call was a few calls here and there, but it wasn’t stressful. However, a few months in, more clients and caregivers on staff, it is like a circus.

It also seems like things in my personal bubble can really flair up.

I learned I can still be shocked every once in a while too. That’s good to know.

There will definitely be more detailed posts on the shock factors coming soon. Between people who don’t follow through on their commitments, seeing other’s family dynamics and the consequences of their actions, and someone from my youth thinking they have some sort of power and manipulation over me, I have been surprised today.

I am also going into this week on a lack of rest so that is a guarantee that today will be quite entertaining. I wish you could feel the sarcasm that drips from those words!

One thing I do know is that I am stronger than some people realize. I may be shocked but I am not shaken.

I may gimp a bit but you can believe I am pushing on.

I don’t have to steal others words and use manipulation to say what I need to say. I am an original where others forget how to be. They have become sheep. They are lost in their own delusions.

prison of how others see you

I never forget I am human and fallible. I always remember to Keep Hope Alive.

We all need hope to get us through this day.

Monday, oh Monday, just watch me get through!

New Years 2016


happy ny

All is quiet on New Year’s day…. because I am sleeping in and relaxing!

I realized about mid-year last year that once I “let it go” and kind of let things happen as they will, that my life seemed to get so much better. I can’t push for things and some things just take time to work themselves out.

I decided that for 2016 I am going to take things as they come and see what I can make happen.

out w old

I wrote earlier this week about how I don’t do new year’s resolutions or challenges. It just doesn’t work for me. I was reading another amazing author’s work and she said that she would choose a word or phrase to use going through the year. I believe she is onto something here. That is something I can get behind! So my word for the year is Creativity! Yes, I am going to be more creative in every aspect of my life. This will definitely be more interesting that resolutions and challenges!

So for this first day of the new year, I will be chilling out doing whatever suits my fancy. I am going to take it easy, probably be on call but definitely am going to enjoy life in some form of creative fashion.

As always, I will Keep Hope Alive! For I will never give up my mantra of hope!

Cheers to a fabulous 2016!

2016

No call, no show… can we please grow up!


I work to take care of others. Myself and those in my chosen field, caregivers, are vastly underpaid and often time unappreciated. It isn’t easy work and not everyone can do it. I know there are plenty of jobs I can’t do and have no problem admitting it.

Recently I worked out in the field for 2 days caring for a lovely couple. She has advanced Alzheimer’s and he has mild dementia. He would tell you “it’s no big deal, we can handle it” but that isn’t the case. They have been clients with my company for nearly a year. Last week their main caregiver walked off the job because she was frustrated with the fact they “get confused.” It isn’t the first time she had “issues” with them but I can guarantee it is her last job with us! Then we thought we found the ideal candidate. She was eager, ready to work and compassionate. She passed her background check and came in for all of her new hire paperwork. She didn’t show up or call us to let us know she wasn’t showing up.

I just don’t get it. I have seen more people the last three weeks claiming they need to work and want to work. I set an appointment for an interview and then the day of, nothing. No call. No show. Nada. 90% I have had lengthy conversations with on the phone prior to calling them in for an interview as to try and screen if they are serious about working.

Either my radar is off or people these days do not do as they say they will do. It is sad.

I remember when I was 18 and took a job at a fast food restaurant. I worked all of a day and a half and realized I was not cut out for what they had me doing. I was honest. I went to the manager and told them I was sorry but please take me off the schedule because I knew I wouldn’t be happy doing the work and wouldn’t be productive. He thanked me for telling him. I didn’t understand then that a lot of people just don’t show. They don’t call. They just don’t feel it’s important enough to tell their employer they don’t want to work anymore. It is so rude and disrespectful.

People like this need to grow up, grow a pair or something! Who do you think that you are wasting someone’s time who is trying to employ you?! Have you never heard of karma? Come on people! Seriously!

The next time you set a interview or are scheduled and can’t make it, short of an emergency, please show the decency to call someone to let them know you can’t make it. Don’t just not show up. It is beyond rude.

In the meantime I will keep hope alive as always. There will always be someone better who wants to work and loves to care for others!

Recovering the Saturday after Christmas


364 days til christmas

Recovery from the holidays, specifically Christmas, can be a challenge. It seems so much goes into the planning and presentation. After every one oohhhhs and ahhhhhs it appears to get devoured within minutes. Everything that was so pretty and organized is demolished within such a short period of time. I always mean to take before and after photos but forget.

I am usually helping make part of it and I always seem to be cleaning up.

Of course I am also all up in it with the boy, a big kid myself. I cut back on the Santa as well as what I was giving him, but he still had so much! Of course family and friends add to the bounty he receives so he is not wanting for anything. It’s funny to see him tear through gifts, say a brief thank you to the givers and rip into another gift. It’s funnier as he’s soooo excited because, hey let’s be real, it’s usually toys.

Then it’s happens… clothes. My sister-in-law and I laughed so hard because he went in for the grab with excitement on his face and he just stopped. He was instantly perplexed. Why would he get clothes? Grant it cool looking clothes but yet not toys? It’s Christmas who gives toys besides parents and grandparents? Well, aunts, uncles and friends but it always throws him!

The joys of being young and saying what you are thinking. “Mommy this food is nasty! I am so not eating this!” Not the discretion I have been working with him on, but at a table with 7 adults and his cousin. Did I mention his aunt, bless her as she teaches kids and she knows how they can be but still, is the one who’s food he deemed “nasty”?! She and I were trying to not laugh while another cousin and new spouse looked mortified.

They have no experience with children, as was evident throughout the night! Or shall I say smaller children. The boy is 5 and his cousin, whom he calls his little brother, is not quite 2. It was asked, how we “make them eat.” Words like behavioral and eating habits were used to ask about our children. Also, when they offered to play with the boys, they quickly learned rules changed and organization and order were not on the schedule! Seriously, give a five-year-old Lincoln Logs and a remote control car and things are going to be demolished. Your “follow the directions” log cabin you built for him? Maybe you understand when I said it’s like your favorite character on the “Walking Dead” or “Game of Thrones”, it will die so don’t get attached! Yeah, I meant that! It wasn’t just pretty words or me being nice.

Recovery is a nice word for it. Today we recover from the maos of the Christmas holidays! I hope you all do have a fantastically, fabulous Saturday and get to relax.

As always, keep hope alive!

day after xmas

Crazy weather, the holidays – may the odds be ever in your favor!


Finally it’s cold enough that I can see my breath when I am outside! It’s about time but then it’s December here in the motherland of Alabama.

alabama sign

4 days ago I was wishing I was rocking a pedicure so I could wear sandals. I don’t think flip flops would fly at the office, although I keep scrubs in my car in case I have to fill in at a client’s home, why not just toss in other shoes too?

For the last 2 days it has been cold. Not cool but genuinely wear a heavy jacket if you’re outside at all cold. This may mean nothing to some, but here the drastic drop in temperature means hauling out a whole new wardrobe that I had pushed back because we had a cold “snap” and then warm weather again. We are on countdown to less than a week until Christmas and it’s just getting cold!

happy holidays

We finally hit freezing where I am and I would love for it to stay this way for a bit.

Bonus is the “projected forecasts” say it will be in the 70’s on Christmas day!

Psychotic weather here in the Heart of Dixie!

fire n fight heart of dixie

It’s interesting how it can affect your mood and your psyche when you are accustomed to cooler weather during a holiday and it feel like spring or one of those Indian summer days we have.

I have been working to get into the Christmas spirit and one of the things I love is the cold weather. I love having the change of seasons. If I would have wanted 60 – 80-degree weather at this time of year I would have stayed in Florida or California. Or moved to Hawaii where it is just heaven, to me, whatever time you are there. Not to get lost on those daydreams, but I can’t help it when we keep having the warmer weather.

When it finally cooled down it was like holy crap Christmas is a bit over week away! I have to get busy and get things wrapped up for the holidays!

merry christmas

I haven’t finished doing all my shopping, I have sent zero Christmas cards… and I had such grand ideas of what I wanted to do too! So to my lovelies, who you know if I have your address, you were going to get cards but let’s not count on it! I apologize in advance for being such a slacker but I blame it on the new job, which I love, and the weather!

happy chanukah

So Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah & Happy Festivus. If you don’t celebrate any of that Happy Chaotic Everyone Else’s Holiday season!

happy festivus

I am headed to get busy on those things I can’t let slip up for the kids and I am sure I will be making food for a few days for friends and family. Need to shop and things to do. I am finally starting that list.I know you’re thrilled.

All while enjoying this cooler weather while we have it and I am a bit more motivated when it was too warm for Christmas thoughts for me. Hopefully that will also involve copious amounts of sleep too. I am a bit desperate for it… I keep hearing that chic from The Hunger Games, “May the odds be ever in your favor!” It’s mocking me!

may the odds be ever in ur favor

Fabulous Gracelessness A.k.a. Lady Maos is sticking to her tried and true motto:

KEEP HOPE ALIVE!

Have a fabulous day my friends!

We all struggle, make it worth it


peace in heart

It seems I am constantly struggling.

Struggling to find more hours to work.

Struggling to find more time to clean.

Struggling to find a better job.

Struggling to be a better parent, daughter, sister, friend, and partner.

Struggling to just be at times it seems.

Just when I think I am closer to getting it right a complaint comes in.

Trying to please everyone I can’t seem to get it right.

If I take time out for this, when I will do that? If I do this and this, and a portion of that and mistakenly think I have taken care of it all somehow then someone is unhappy. I mean, everyone feels they are the most important, right? If I am supposed to service everyone else first, how am I supposed to take care of my own needs? Don’t they see if I am not whole I cannot produce to the level of their desires and needs? God forbid I say anything for knowing I will get put back in my place. Standing up for oneself is frowned upon unless it is “at the right” time for someone else.

My passion is caring for others and writing. Not lucrative passions but both can be with a bit of cultivation. Of course that takes time and again is filed under “taking too much time” for myself again by some and where would they be if things weren’t done by me? It’s a vicious cycle. One I am working hard to get out of as quickly as possible. I try to keep focus on one thing and not let something else drag me away for something that can wait.

whatever good for soul is happiness

Life isn’t always easy, it isn’t always pretty, but it is life. It’s also what you make of it.

It doesn’t matter if I am financially challenged, physically challenged and questioning my sanity, life keeps on happening. Therefore I must Keep Hope Alive. Or I will be dragged into the pits with no escape. It would be so easy sometimes to just let go, maybe to just not care. Of course I can’t do it nor will I. I care too much. My passions seep out of me. I can no more stop writing and taking care of others than I can consciously stop breathing. It would cripple me more than my body is already and that I cannot live with.

So I continue to struggle. But this time, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see the hope. I feel the sunshine on my face. I will make it out. This time. And again, and again, and again. I will never give up.

Have a fabulous day and Always Keep Hope Alive!

Rain, rain it’s my thing


“Rain, rain go away, come again another day.”

lightning rain

It seems we have had a lot of much needed rain lately. When I was little I learned the “rain, rain go away” mini poem. Rainy days meant I couldn’t play outside. Cold rain was the worst.

Now I am grateful to see the rain. Even when it feels like we need to build an ark. I learned that it gives moisture to the earth, the plants, trees and flowers. It nourishes the humans and the animals. It cleanses the land and smells divine. Have you ever smelled the earth after a fresh rain? I remember my grandmother teaching me how to smell the rain coming. Now every time it’s going to rain I can smell it and I think of my grandmamma. She taught me to love the storms and how to respect them but not be afraid.

Rain is beautiful, cleansing. It knows no boundaries, it just is. It falls sometimes long and hard. It brings lightning and thunder, flooding and destruction. But not always. Mother Nature at her finest.

I no longer chant the poem of rain to go away. Even when it’s inconvenient for me.

I learned to dance in the rain. To make the best of it. On rainy days sometimes we sleep in, lay around and just listen to the sounds of the heavens cleansing the land.

As Luke Bryan, the country singer says, “rain is a good thing”.

learn to dance in the rain

Sunday my day of “rest”


Some say Sunday is considered a day of rest.

pause and rest

I often ponder that when I am getting up early for church, the walls don’t fall down be shocked I am, or when I am running errands to be ready for the week. There are actual Sundays where I do get to be restful and enjoy the day. At least until about 6 PM ish when I suddenly start running around trying to make sure I actually did get everything needed for the following day put where it needs to be, clothes laid out for me and, every other Monday, the boy, along with anything that needs to additionally go with us for either school or work. Yeah not considered restful, however I have now made it a part of my routine so that it flows better and is easier for me to finish a bit faster and enjoy the rest of my evening. Sometimes when I am at home and it’s easier to do, but often we have places to go, people to see, errands to run, projects to finish and we seem to be in a time crunch on Sunday or Sunday evenings.

I can proudly say I do not allow a whole 24 hours of total freak outs anymore as it doesn’t do anyone any good. No matter how much is happening in your life and the lives of your friends and family, you have to take a bit of rest for yourself. Let it heal your soul and replenish your body and mind. Really take at least an hour. You owe it to yourself at least once a week.

I oftentimes find it hard to make time to do all of the things I need to do for myself. I am distracted and put myself behind the needs of others. To some people I may even seem selfish because I can’t get back to them as quick as they would like, much less as quick as I would like to. This is where the guilt starts seeping in and I can’t help but feel bad that I didn’t follow up or get back to them.

Recently I’ve noticed I have no texted folks back when I clearly thought I had. I mean down to the wording of what I was planning and thinking and then go a few days and realize I did not send said text or email and in once instance a letter (still partially written). At this point I am banging my head against the table, cabinet or floor. I mean how crappy does that make me look?

head in head head hang

So I will grab my Sunday and try to make restful plans in addition to the resting of course, to catch up on all those I love and miss. At least that’s my plan for this Sunday! Who knows what life will toss at me?! Last Sunday I didn’t even “schedule” things I just listed what had to be done before Monday morning. Ha! I did get to be restful some throughout the though. And that is the whole point. Be restful.

And as always, Keep Hope Alive!

Stay fabulous and graceful my friends!

relax its sunday

This is my life and I am not ashamed


Currently I should be getting things done… housework, birthday plans (the boy turns 5 on Monday!), writing, organizing – you know doing whatever it is you need to do. Note I said I should be but at the moment I am not!

No I am still vegging out after another lovely procedure and fortunately not another mis-procedure!

I love how people can look at me and think, “Gee she must be lazy! She looks fine!” Oh thank you so for the backhanded compliment. Why yes, yes I do look quite fine. In fact, for someone with my medical challenges I think I look fabulous!

For a while I have been back and forth with writing about my personal medical challenges.

I follow several amazing bloggers who share their journeys through their blogs (The Tube Fed Wife and The Respiratory Therapist who needed help breathing are two off the top of my head who are damn inspiring.). But because I write about so many topics I wasn’t sure what writing about my own personal issues, then I realized I am not alone. Other people suffer from similar or worse problems. People don’t like to hear about anyone’s suffering or pain. People like me, with chronic pain issues are expected to somewhat “keep it to ourselves” or “don’t share that it’s personal”. Yes it is. Very personal and this is My Blog. So why shouldn’t I talk about something personal to me? Something that affects me on a daily basis?

I am an active crazy mama. I am 44 with an almost 5 year old boy child. I work, clean, cook, play, live. I go as much as I can and often push myself further than I probably should most days. I have pretty severe back issues and just recently was told I need to think about hip replacements. Emphasis on the “s” as in both hips.

I have had back problems since I was 13 and broke my back/tailbone. At the time, it was thought 6 weeks of “rest” and “taking it easy” with aspirin, cold and heat and a bit of “physical therapy” would be just fine. First of all it was summer. One of the last weekends in June there was no way I was going to “rest up” all summer. I took the aspirin, did the heat/cold therapy and went on with my life. I stayed busy for the next several years in sports, gymnastics, tennis, cheerleading, water skiing, soft ball and general activities as per usual for me.

When I was 17 I was diagnosed with migraines. In the late 80’s there weren’t many option for folks who had migraines. There were some heavy duty pain meds and then there were injections. I remember my aunt coming over and showing my mom and I how to inject a needle into an orange over and over. I reminded myself that others had to inject themselves daily and I could do this. The migraines were awful and a few years later they were so bad that I considered going into some sort of program to help with my migraines. Extensive testing showed I was allergic to nearly everything, I mean the results were like a small book of things I should “stay away from” and/or that I was allergic to. I thought of the bubble boy movie. I was not going to let this keep me down. Slowly but surely I took out a large chunk of items that set off my migraines. I could do nothing about the great outdoors or the weather, but I could control the things that tended to make my migraines worse. Having that milkshake during allergy season or when the barometric pressure was no longer an option. It was combinations of items I had to systematically cut back or remove as well. I couldn’t control my hormones no matter how many vitamins, natural teas and supplements I took.

I continued to push my body. I moved so many times I was better than a service for packing, unpacking and lifting. I could pack up a moving truck or van with an efficiency that would make Martha Stewart proud. I moved all over Alabama, then decided to move beyond the borders of my home state. I moved to Florida, Georgia, California, back to Georgia then Tennessee. It was in Tennessee that my boy was born. By then I had been going for 4 years to a specialist for my numerous aches and pains in my back, hips and front. I loved, not, hearing the term “advanced maternal age” while I was carrying the boy. I wasn’t 40 yet come on! I was just thrilled I was having a bebe as I was told I couldn’t get pregnant.

It wasn’t without wear and tear on my body though. Wear and tear I would do 10 times over because life with him is beyond worth it and I will do any and everything within my power to keep moving, keep going and keep up with him!

When I made the decision to move back to Alabama it was not taken lightly. I have family here and the boy’s dad does too. I would be closer to my doctor in GA and my friends too.

It was during my packing that I got the call that my father’s condition had gotten worse. I packed up my jeep and the boy and headed home. I was scheduled to move in a month to help my parents but I knew I was going to see my daddy for the last time. I stayed for 10 days before returning. I buried my father during that time as well.

Once back in Tennessee I continued to work and pack up my home. My close friends, my cousin and her husband helped me get all my belongings loaded up and we managed to move it to Alabama. It took two trips of the big stuff and the final trip a few weeks later but I finally moved back “home”.

I have been battling issues with my back, hips and front pain for so many years the pain is like an old friend. Earlier this year I finally had a total hysterectomy in the hopes of alleviating some of my pain. I feel like it did help. It also set my body into some kind of weird tail spin back and forth. I never know what normal or new pain is now.

I try not to show it. I know I overdo it but my thoughts are do it while I can.

I go at least 4 times a year to “get a tune up” and overhaul my spine and hips. I am in year 8 of this so getting told “think about replacing your hips” truly shouldn’t come as a shock, but it does. I should not be surprised I was given the paper work for a handicap placard but I don’t know if I am ready to do that yet. I mean I still have many good days. I also have days where when I drive to the store and wait for a closer parking spot so I don’t have to walk so far.

I know my battles and my journey isn’t over yet. I know that I won’t give up. I know that every post I write won’t feature the daily challenges I have. Trust me even I don’t like to think about it all the time much less write about it. However, I did feel the urge to share, and apparently share I have.

I hope this shows people that no matter what anyone looks like, acts like you can’t always tell how someone feels on the inside.

I also hope it shows others you aren’t alone. You may not be able to be as active as you want to be but know you are still breathing and still here.

Never forget to keep hope alive and never give up.

Stay fabulous my friends!