Currently I should be getting things done… housework, birthday plans (the boy turns 5 on Monday!), writing, organizing – you know doing whatever it is you need to do. Note I said I should be but at the moment I am not!
No I am still vegging out after another lovely procedure and fortunately not another mis-procedure!
I love how people can look at me and think, “Gee she must be lazy! She looks fine!” Oh thank you so for the backhanded compliment. Why yes, yes I do look quite fine. In fact, for someone with my medical challenges I think I look fabulous!
For a while I have been back and forth with writing about my personal medical challenges.
I follow several amazing bloggers who share their journeys through their blogs (The Tube Fed Wife and The Respiratory Therapist who needed help breathing are two off the top of my head who are damn inspiring.). But because I write about so many topics I wasn’t sure what writing about my own personal issues, then I realized I am not alone. Other people suffer from similar or worse problems. People don’t like to hear about anyone’s suffering or pain. People like me, with chronic pain issues are expected to somewhat “keep it to ourselves” or “don’t share that it’s personal”. Yes it is. Very personal and this is My Blog. So why shouldn’t I talk about something personal to me? Something that affects me on a daily basis?
I am an active crazy mama. I am 44 with an almost 5 year old boy child. I work, clean, cook, play, live. I go as much as I can and often push myself further than I probably should most days. I have pretty severe back issues and just recently was told I need to think about hip replacements. Emphasis on the “s” as in both hips.
I have had back problems since I was 13 and broke my back/tailbone. At the time, it was thought 6 weeks of “rest” and “taking it easy” with aspirin, cold and heat and a bit of “physical therapy” would be just fine. First of all it was summer. One of the last weekends in June there was no way I was going to “rest up” all summer. I took the aspirin, did the heat/cold therapy and went on with my life. I stayed busy for the next several years in sports, gymnastics, tennis, cheerleading, water skiing, soft ball and general activities as per usual for me.
When I was 17 I was diagnosed with migraines. In the late 80’s there weren’t many option for folks who had migraines. There were some heavy duty pain meds and then there were injections. I remember my aunt coming over and showing my mom and I how to inject a needle into an orange over and over. I reminded myself that others had to inject themselves daily and I could do this. The migraines were awful and a few years later they were so bad that I considered going into some sort of program to help with my migraines. Extensive testing showed I was allergic to nearly everything, I mean the results were like a small book of things I should “stay away from” and/or that I was allergic to. I thought of the bubble boy movie. I was not going to let this keep me down. Slowly but surely I took out a large chunk of items that set off my migraines. I could do nothing about the great outdoors or the weather, but I could control the things that tended to make my migraines worse. Having that milkshake during allergy season or when the barometric pressure was no longer an option. It was combinations of items I had to systematically cut back or remove as well. I couldn’t control my hormones no matter how many vitamins, natural teas and supplements I took.
I continued to push my body. I moved so many times I was better than a service for packing, unpacking and lifting. I could pack up a moving truck or van with an efficiency that would make Martha Stewart proud. I moved all over Alabama, then decided to move beyond the borders of my home state. I moved to Florida, Georgia, California, back to Georgia then Tennessee. It was in Tennessee that my boy was born. By then I had been going for 4 years to a specialist for my numerous aches and pains in my back, hips and front. I loved, not, hearing the term “advanced maternal age” while I was carrying the boy. I wasn’t 40 yet come on! I was just thrilled I was having a bebe as I was told I couldn’t get pregnant.
It wasn’t without wear and tear on my body though. Wear and tear I would do 10 times over because life with him is beyond worth it and I will do any and everything within my power to keep moving, keep going and keep up with him!
When I made the decision to move back to Alabama it was not taken lightly. I have family here and the boy’s dad does too. I would be closer to my doctor in GA and my friends too.
It was during my packing that I got the call that my father’s condition had gotten worse. I packed up my jeep and the boy and headed home. I was scheduled to move in a month to help my parents but I knew I was going to see my daddy for the last time. I stayed for 10 days before returning. I buried my father during that time as well.
Once back in Tennessee I continued to work and pack up my home. My close friends, my cousin and her husband helped me get all my belongings loaded up and we managed to move it to Alabama. It took two trips of the big stuff and the final trip a few weeks later but I finally moved back “home”.
I have been battling issues with my back, hips and front pain for so many years the pain is like an old friend. Earlier this year I finally had a total hysterectomy in the hopes of alleviating some of my pain. I feel like it did help. It also set my body into some kind of weird tail spin back and forth. I never know what normal or new pain is now.
I try not to show it. I know I overdo it but my thoughts are do it while I can.
I go at least 4 times a year to “get a tune up” and overhaul my spine and hips. I am in year 8 of this so getting told “think about replacing your hips” truly shouldn’t come as a shock, but it does. I should not be surprised I was given the paper work for a handicap placard but I don’t know if I am ready to do that yet. I mean I still have many good days. I also have days where when I drive to the store and wait for a closer parking spot so I don’t have to walk so far.
I know my battles and my journey isn’t over yet. I know that I won’t give up. I know that every post I write won’t feature the daily challenges I have. Trust me even I don’t like to think about it all the time much less write about it. However, I did feel the urge to share, and apparently share I have.
I hope this shows people that no matter what anyone looks like, acts like you can’t always tell how someone feels on the inside.
I also hope it shows others you aren’t alone. You may not be able to be as active as you want to be but know you are still breathing and still here.
Never forget to keep hope alive and never give up.
Stay fabulous my friends!
fabulousgracelessness 
thank you for sharing. I get a lot of the same thing, you look okay, your are just being lazy, or I push myself beyond what I should, because I have pushed myself and done things through out the years I shouldn’t but it was to survive, and now not only with my disability which the doctors told me was partly might fault and my personality and needing to push beyond my body’s means was what caused it. I recently got the same spill about hip replacement, BUT, they do now have a procedure that can prolong the need for hip replacement and is less invasive, they put a sturdy plastic plate where the ball joint goes. No, I’m not having back or hip surgery, I adjust to the barometric pressure and the seasons of the year ( why I told you to please get compression shorts the same as athletes wear, it helps 50%), deal with my allergies I’ve had since born and taken shots for, try not to do anything or trigger my migraines, do alternative therapies as some of the meds doctors give cause more symptoms than they do relief, and no I don’t use my canes out of stubborness*, but they do have pretty cool shoes and sandals& flops, that are more supportive, and shoes make a world of difference in back and hip pain, never go barefoot (big no no), yet I’m lazy to some people. I do have a handicap tag on my car, BUT if it’s a good day, I don’t have to park in one of those, I leave it for someone worse or having a worse day than me, but it DOES help, so please get one for when you need it!! You don’t have to always use it! Trust me, you are the least lazy person I know, but if you are like me, I wanna be as normal as I look most of the time, and push myself beyond what I am now capable of , because it makes ME feel lazy when I don’t. Also, surgeries can often times make thing go on a downhill spiral and worse, have a few family members that are proof, there are alternative to surgeries that work better and better for you and I will email you some of them, because I have surprised doctors for years by not being in a wheelchair at this point. Cause I do NOT WANT to be. I understand, totally, the feeling of …is this 44 year old pain, or a new other kind of pain, once I should just ride out and bear, or one I need to have seen about. Ya never know!!! We will talk later, but hang in there my dear, now also my favorite saying and one I live by now a days…. Keep Hope Alive. Our lives have just started!!! It is very very hard to learn to slow down, and know what you can and can’t do, but it’s possible to learn through trial and error. Love you my dear friend, Keep Hope Alive and rest, nothing lazy about resting, you can’t keep doing what you need to do if you don’t get the proper rest to keep going!
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