Life, hope and reality through the eyes of a child


eyes of child JOY use

I want to share how life looks through my boy’s eyes.

The eyes and opinions of a child are so true and pure.

They are little sponges and are for the most part, naïve and honest. Much more so than we are. They say what they’re thinking as they are thinking it. I am working with the boy on discretion.

He enjoys people watching. This past summer at the beach, if a girl in a 2 piece walked by, my boy was checking her out. Smiling goofily and almost drooling. I was telling him how to look without staring. He now understands sun glasses now and how well you can look at people but they can’t see your eyes. He prefers to all out look at them. He is also not judgmental, if they had their belly showing, he was grinning no matter what sized body they had.

I am working with him on that filter from brain to mouth. It is proving to be a bit more challenging. Also he is getting more curious about life and how things work. Exciting and scary at the same time. Kind of like his questions and statements, sometimes exciting other times his phrasing or learning can lead to awkwardness, embarrassment or frustration. Sometimes I just don’t have the right answers but I try.

“Mommy your belly is so big, is there a baby in there?” No kid, you’re the only one. My miracle but when you ask me that in front of others, I understand, for an instant, why certain species eat their young.

“Why is that man screaming at that lady,” on seeing a man yelling at a woman in a parking lot. I knew that is was a domestic violent situation, saw the approaching police and could move the vehicle forward, away from the ugly truth of life. I give him snippets, “Sometimes adults yell and scream at each other and it isn’t right to be doing that to someone, much less in public.” His response, “There must be something wrong with him to act like that. I’m 5 now and I know I shouldn’t scream at people mommy.” Oh my sweet angel, if only we all knew that and if we acted on it, apologized genuinely like you do.

“Mommy we are all different colors, but we are all alike. I don’t understand the big deal.” “What do you mean?” “Well I am white with blonde hair and blue eyes. You are light brown with green/brown eyes and black hair, and I have friends with brown skin and black hair. But we are all peoples. So what’s the big deal when people act all mean and weird?” “You know what buddy, we are all equal. No matter what our skin color or where we are from. Sometimes people want to think they are better than other people.” “Like smarter?” “Well yes smarter or more important, that their life is better than the other person’s life.” “Well that’s dumb. We are all people, we all pee and poop. We all get smelly. We all laugh. Sometimes people can’t see or don’t have arms or legs or look different but we are all people. There must be something wrong with some people.” Oh my child you have no idea.

“You know I wish we could visit heaven and cross that rainbow bridge. Seems like we need to find a way to do that. We have all these puters and smart people and space. How come we haven’t find a way to visit? I want to see Pops and Jethro again. Maybe when I grow up and become a superhero, I can find a way to do that.” That one brought tears to my eyes. It still does.

children are happy no file of wrong

Many cultures believe that children are more in touch with their past lives, the spirit world and universal truths. That we are born with an ability to trust and believe in others and are more empathetic. They also see things that once you begin growing older, the majority begin to lose the ability to see beyond this world. As they age, they begin to lose that naivety and become more jaded. Many times it is due to their environment and their beliefs their parents, families and guardians feel.

There are many children that will still see and feel these things not only as youth, but as they grow older. They remain empathetic and compassionate. This does not necessarily mean that they are “strange” or not like “normal” kids. Many of them learn who they can talk to and who they can’t. Sometimes their families help them along and others find like people and information that help them along their journey.

We often discount children and their fantastical tales, their songs, their opinions. After all, how much life experience do they have?

I know I have heard the boy and several other children talk about “their life before this one.” I have also talked to some of those kids who only vaguely remember talking about it as the memories have faded. Things that he has said make me pause and think about things.

Who’s to say he didn’t have another life before this one? He talks about before he was borned (his word, we’re learning) when he was in heaven waiting for a new family. He says he remembers being told he would get a “good” mommy this time who loved him more than anything and would listen to all the things he had to say and not make fun of him for singing, dancing, making up stories and remembering things from his “other” life. Whoever told him that was spot on.

So do I think he has a bit of life experience? Yes. Does that mean I am going to allow him to do something beyond his years, like a drive a car, at 6 years old? That would be a big NO! Well, not unless he shows some mad learning skills along with better focus in the next 10 months! Ha, who am I kidding?! Absolutely not letting the boy drive anything other than go carts and bicycles for quite a while!

In the words of my boy, “Be nice to everybody, even if they are mean to you. Then just look at those people and smile and say “too bad” and walk away. They aren’t worth your time. We only want fun people on our ride!”

wisdom of ages eyes of child

As for me, I am keeping hope alive!

Have a fabulous day!

 

 

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Chronic Pain blows so Keep Hope Alive!


Sometimes I can’t think right. Too many things going on and my brain doesn’t work like I want it to. I still can “perform” to a degree though it isn’t always pretty. Life with chronic pain issues just blows. There is no pretty dressing I can put on it today.

That I was able to shower, go to see the boy at karate and look “normal” was more of a challenge than I care to admit. But it was worth it hearing him say, “Mommy you look so pretty. You always come see me.” Like I would stay away. The only times I ever wasn’t there was when I had surgery and procedures done. I always work hard to be there for him. He needs me. I need him. It works both ways.

It seemed like because I made an effort I was able to take care of a few other things I needed to do. Some not all, but I count it as a victory for me. Sometimes it’s the little things.

Being an “older” single mommy has its benefits and challenges. I wouldn’t trade any of it because I am The Boy’s Mommy. He chose me. Lord knows there’s always something going on and usually I am moving faster than I want and quicker than I realized I could. Of course I pay for it. I should buy stock in the heating pad company! I give it my all and then some. I love every second of it and never take it for granted.

I am so blessed to have a great medical support team, amazing people who care about me and help me out and a twisted sense of humor to get me through even the bleakest of times. These people cheer me on, call me out and help me find ways to get through tests, treatments and procedures as well as get through my daily life. I couldn’t do it without them.

I am a horrible patient too! I would prefer to be the one taking care of others, it’s in my makeup. Life finds humor in making me be on the other end and making me stop at times.

It is then when I realize how lucky and blessed I am.

When I feel myself beginning to wallow in self-pity I have to remind myself that I have a miracle boy and loving people who support me.

I can’t allow myself to slip onto the island of depression for it’s an easy journey there and hard to leave once you arrive. It can be so hard as it can be very inviting to go and fall into the pit. I know that once you are there it is hard to leave. You think about it. About how easy it would be to just stay. Let others handle your life and maybe check yourself into the Casa de Straight-Jacket but then I realized I don’t like being bound and I would miss my freedom. No matter how gray the day may be I know I will see the sun again.

I know that all I have to do is believe and keep hope alive.

Stay Fabulous!

 

This is my life and I am not ashamed


Currently I should be getting things done… housework, birthday plans (the boy turns 5 on Monday!), writing, organizing – you know doing whatever it is you need to do. Note I said I should be but at the moment I am not!

No I am still vegging out after another lovely procedure and fortunately not another mis-procedure!

I love how people can look at me and think, “Gee she must be lazy! She looks fine!” Oh thank you so for the backhanded compliment. Why yes, yes I do look quite fine. In fact, for someone with my medical challenges I think I look fabulous!

For a while I have been back and forth with writing about my personal medical challenges.

I follow several amazing bloggers who share their journeys through their blogs (The Tube Fed Wife and The Respiratory Therapist who needed help breathing are two off the top of my head who are damn inspiring.). But because I write about so many topics I wasn’t sure what writing about my own personal issues, then I realized I am not alone. Other people suffer from similar or worse problems. People don’t like to hear about anyone’s suffering or pain. People like me, with chronic pain issues are expected to somewhat “keep it to ourselves” or “don’t share that it’s personal”. Yes it is. Very personal and this is My Blog. So why shouldn’t I talk about something personal to me? Something that affects me on a daily basis?

I am an active crazy mama. I am 44 with an almost 5 year old boy child. I work, clean, cook, play, live. I go as much as I can and often push myself further than I probably should most days. I have pretty severe back issues and just recently was told I need to think about hip replacements. Emphasis on the “s” as in both hips.

I have had back problems since I was 13 and broke my back/tailbone. At the time, it was thought 6 weeks of “rest” and “taking it easy” with aspirin, cold and heat and a bit of “physical therapy” would be just fine. First of all it was summer. One of the last weekends in June there was no way I was going to “rest up” all summer. I took the aspirin, did the heat/cold therapy and went on with my life. I stayed busy for the next several years in sports, gymnastics, tennis, cheerleading, water skiing, soft ball and general activities as per usual for me.

When I was 17 I was diagnosed with migraines. In the late 80’s there weren’t many option for folks who had migraines. There were some heavy duty pain meds and then there were injections. I remember my aunt coming over and showing my mom and I how to inject a needle into an orange over and over. I reminded myself that others had to inject themselves daily and I could do this. The migraines were awful and a few years later they were so bad that I considered going into some sort of program to help with my migraines. Extensive testing showed I was allergic to nearly everything, I mean the results were like a small book of things I should “stay away from” and/or that I was allergic to. I thought of the bubble boy movie. I was not going to let this keep me down. Slowly but surely I took out a large chunk of items that set off my migraines. I could do nothing about the great outdoors or the weather, but I could control the things that tended to make my migraines worse. Having that milkshake during allergy season or when the barometric pressure was no longer an option. It was combinations of items I had to systematically cut back or remove as well. I couldn’t control my hormones no matter how many vitamins, natural teas and supplements I took.

I continued to push my body. I moved so many times I was better than a service for packing, unpacking and lifting. I could pack up a moving truck or van with an efficiency that would make Martha Stewart proud. I moved all over Alabama, then decided to move beyond the borders of my home state. I moved to Florida, Georgia, California, back to Georgia then Tennessee. It was in Tennessee that my boy was born. By then I had been going for 4 years to a specialist for my numerous aches and pains in my back, hips and front. I loved, not, hearing the term “advanced maternal age” while I was carrying the boy. I wasn’t 40 yet come on! I was just thrilled I was having a bebe as I was told I couldn’t get pregnant.

It wasn’t without wear and tear on my body though. Wear and tear I would do 10 times over because life with him is beyond worth it and I will do any and everything within my power to keep moving, keep going and keep up with him!

When I made the decision to move back to Alabama it was not taken lightly. I have family here and the boy’s dad does too. I would be closer to my doctor in GA and my friends too.

It was during my packing that I got the call that my father’s condition had gotten worse. I packed up my jeep and the boy and headed home. I was scheduled to move in a month to help my parents but I knew I was going to see my daddy for the last time. I stayed for 10 days before returning. I buried my father during that time as well.

Once back in Tennessee I continued to work and pack up my home. My close friends, my cousin and her husband helped me get all my belongings loaded up and we managed to move it to Alabama. It took two trips of the big stuff and the final trip a few weeks later but I finally moved back “home”.

I have been battling issues with my back, hips and front pain for so many years the pain is like an old friend. Earlier this year I finally had a total hysterectomy in the hopes of alleviating some of my pain. I feel like it did help. It also set my body into some kind of weird tail spin back and forth. I never know what normal or new pain is now.

I try not to show it. I know I overdo it but my thoughts are do it while I can.

I go at least 4 times a year to “get a tune up” and overhaul my spine and hips. I am in year 8 of this so getting told “think about replacing your hips” truly shouldn’t come as a shock, but it does. I should not be surprised I was given the paper work for a handicap placard but I don’t know if I am ready to do that yet. I mean I still have many good days. I also have days where when I drive to the store and wait for a closer parking spot so I don’t have to walk so far.

I know my battles and my journey isn’t over yet. I know that I won’t give up. I know that every post I write won’t feature the daily challenges I have. Trust me even I don’t like to think about it all the time much less write about it. However, I did feel the urge to share, and apparently share I have.

I hope this shows people that no matter what anyone looks like, acts like you can’t always tell how someone feels on the inside.

I also hope it shows others you aren’t alone. You may not be able to be as active as you want to be but know you are still breathing and still here.

Never forget to keep hope alive and never give up.

Stay fabulous my friends!

 

 

 

 

Do you believe in anything?


Do you believe in anything?

The definition of believe is “to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so”.

Do you have hope?

The definition of hope is “the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best”.

In my mind, these words mingle together. If I believe in something or someone I have hope that the best outcome will happen.

The tricky part is some may feel that believing is stronger than hoping. I get that. I totally do.

For me though, having both belief and hope, is the best and strongest intermixing in my mind.

I love the two of them together for to me they seem to make it that much more real.

Neither words are “tangible” so to speak. But together they mean having faith, of putting all of yourself and you secret hopes and dreams all in the same basket and believing that it will all work out for the best possible outcome for my life. My motto “keep hope alive” is such a part of me as it gives me a renewed strength where I believe the best is still a reality.

Yes there can definitely be instances where you have hope, but you don’t believe or have faith in a situation so you hope for the best.

Or you believe in something or someone but know deep down that it won’t be as you had hoped it would be.

Faith is a bit different. The definitions “confidence or trust in a person or thing” and “belief that is not based on proof”.

All too often we toss out the terms “I believe you.” “I have hope.” I have faith in this situation when truly we don’t. I feel that it is something that for some is learned and even expected to be said. Or you say it so often you want it to be true, but again your gut tells you that it isn’t. And no one wants to suffer the heartache and depression of no longer having their faith, their belief and their hope pounded into the sand.

Which is why I always say Keep Hope Alive.

For me, I can never give up. I can never stop believing that better things, better people, better situation are out there for me and mine.

I have faith that I will find that happiness and peace I so desperately need.

I am seeing it now in my life.

I want to be cautious yet I feel this mystical pull telling me, yes, it is right and true. Run towards it and not away.

I have had my heart broken, my trust shattered, my faith questioned.

I have also picked myself up, dusted off and got back on the ride of life because I Believe in myself. I believe in others. I have hope and faith that not everyone is bitter and angry.

If the past few months have shown me anything, it has shown me to never lose faith. Never give up hope and never stop believing.

Because sometimes dreams and peace really do come. And I can’t spend my time discounting it because of past experiences. I have to believe in myself and have faith that walking down this path will not lead to heartache and destruction.

I know that I will lose friends and loved ones. This is life and it isn’t always pretty and it’s definitely not perfect. But when I find those special people that make me happy, give me butterflies, make me feel good inside about myself, I can’t not take a chance. Have a little faith. I can’t not keep hope alive.

For where would I be if I had no belief? No hope? No faith?

Sad and lonely and most likely in a deep, dark miasma of depression I am sure.

Not that I don’t visit the dark hallways of my mind. There are many and they are vast.

It makes me appreciate all of the beauty, joy and happiness I feel when something or someone I believe in proves me right and does not only for me and mine, but also themselves.

So try to have a little belief, hope and faith in your fellow humans. Try to see the world in a different perspective. Trust me, it can change your world!

Have a fabulous day!

 

Fabulous Friday with a touch of nostalgia


fantastic friday

The beginning of the weekend is here! We wait all week for this… or some of us do! School kids look forward to the weekend, and if they are lucky, 2 days of no “learning” and sitting in a classroom. Parents are happy, if they are of the Monday through Friday jobs, to have 2 days with their family. Or maybe it’s a dreaded thing, 50/50 chance there I guess. But I digress! Overall it’s 2 days free of the “normal weekday grind.” Songs are written about it, there are videos about it, poems, ditties and memes galore.

Also it’s officially football season again. Living in the south, high school and college football are a big deal. I know all over the US Friday night football is back and fans are all into football weekends, with high school games on Friday and college games on Friday and Saturdays. Of course since I am bringing up football, one can’t forget the NFL and Sunday games! It’s like Friday kicks off football too.

football

And since school is back in session, there are all types of sports, arts and other weekend activities to do.

I miss the Friday night dinners followed by family TV time of Dallas and Falcon Crest or friends coming over and card games and laughter.

We often would go to the high school football games and then out to dinner at the local Pizza Hut. We would see friends and family and enjoy spending time with them and each other. It was amazing how well my brother and I would get along during these times for the most part! Like we knew we were in the moment of something special and would get along and actually like each other to keep that good, happy feeling going!

I try to recreate, to a degree that fun, weekend feeling with the boy. If we are going out to dinner I find somewhere fun we both like, aka not necessarily a place with a playground, and will enjoy the food as well as the company but not break the bank. Depending on how long we are out, when we get home we may play a game before finding a new movie on Netflix to watch together. I love that he loves watching “classic” older kid’s movies that I loved when I was a kid… and an adult too but that’s ok it’s not TMNT or Frozen over and over as I can’t do that!

Last summer he watched Pinocchio for the first time, the original one, and loved it. Watching it for the first time with him I was taken back to when I saw it with my grandfather at the Alabama Theater oh so many years ago.

al theatre

Of course then I had to take him to the same theater to see a movie there and experience the feeling of awe and “how cool” it was compared to the “regular” theaters he was accustomed to. We went at Christmas and saw the Charlie Brown Christmas movie classic, which he’d of course seen, but not in that setting. Even though he had a mini meltdown before the movie, he told me later that was one of the best times he had watching a movie knowing I had been there as a little girl seeing movies there too. The kid can get me!

al theatre sign

So Friday I welcome you and know that somehow, somewhere, happiness and joy will be found in you some way by many! I know for myself and mine we will enjoy this Friday, rain or shine, because after all, it’s the start of our weekend!

I hope you all have a fabulous Friday!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A blue bunny kind of Thursday


So my jeep has been in the shop for a while now. I am worried that the “Blue Bunny” may not be suitable for me any longer and I dearly love that vehicle!

It is far from a luxury car, but it is mine, bought and paid for. It seems, however, that it’s days of carting me and mine around are limited.

I purchased that jeep when it was just me and my big love dog, Jethro. It has a manual transmission, aka manny tranny, and lots of quirks but I was in love from the test drive.

b jethro

I started receiving recall notices, little things like windows, buttons, etc. after the boy was born and took it in the first time when the passenger rear window got stuck in the down position. At first the dealership tried to claim my kid had worn it out, but seeing as how I had him in a carrier and he had limited head control, much less the ability to repeatedly push the button to roll down the window they conceded it was probably due to the defect of the system. Ya think?!

Then, about a year and a half after the first time I had the window repaired, the same thing happened. It got stuck on the passenger side in the down position. It was winter and cold, like 23 degrees outside cold. I took it back to the dealership and told them of the problem.

Let’s just say things did not go well for either of us, and I had to pay for a new part for the window they “repaired” with the recalled parts they were given to “replace the bad ones”. Whatever. My kid is still in a car seat and can’t reach the button for the window. *Ahem.

Of course I had to do the usual maintenance, fluid changes, tires (several times as I drive a lot and yeah, I think I am an Andretti descendant at times), even a new windshield, which I lived with for quite a while before I dropped the cash to fix that.

Moving along I came to the decision to move back to the motherland with the boy and dog. I figured it would be easier to do the majority of it myself to save funds.

Logical right?

So I started packing and planning and realized I needed a hitch on my jeep as I figured I would at some point need a trailer for my move.

I take it to the local U-Haul and schedule a time for the hitch to be installed. Since it was during the week and I worked, I had a co-worker take me up there so I could have them install the hitch while I am at work, go back to work and come back when they finished as it was less than 5 minutes away.

I get to the U-Haul, walk in and tell all these “young” guys why I am there. The cockiest one walks up, snags my keys and smirks, “I got this.”

I just smiled at his other 2 co-workers and said, “He’s kind of confident. That’s going to be a good thing to have in life.”

As they looked at me oddly, he returned via the back entrance with a sheepish look on his face. His co-workers quickly inquired as to if he was ok and if the vehicle was ok. Of course the vehicle was fine. The problem? He couldn’t drive a manual transmission, stick shift or anything like it. If it wasn’t “automatic” he couldn’t drive it!

It turns out only one of them had ever even attempted driving a vehicle that wasn’t an automatic. All of the trucks they rented were automatic.

b gearshit gfriend

Wow, just wow!

There was only one that had attempted to drive a stick, and yes, I let him attempt it again but he couldn’t do it. He had the true humor to tell me he was temporarily turning in his man card because he now knew he needed to know how to drive one.

The other two pretty much hid from me more or less.

I had to back my own vehicle up the ramp so they could install the hitch. Their manager was coming over from another store to get it down and they would call to let me know when to pick it back up.

I had to say I laughed long and hard about that one as did several of my co-workers and friends! I still do. I mean, really, you take your vehicle to get something done to it and all of the employees working that shift could not drive it because it is not an automatic?! I cannot make this up!

I’ve had so many great adventures and good memories in my “blue bunny” so named for its color and general happy feel!

My boy had one of those walkers that had the jeep look on it and that was done randomly and not because of my jeep. I have a photo somewhere of him in his walker behind my actual parked jeep. See below.

b jeep

I have lived in 2 states and driven through 7 in the bunny.

I know her quirks and oddities like I know my own.

Of course I paid it off last year so it’s just Murphy and his laws again messing with me telling me it’s time to move on. But this one is hard for me.

I have so many great memories.

My dog, Jethro, who is no longer on the planet with me, rode all over the southeast in that jeep.

My dad got a kick out of it and we talked about how I always wanted a jeep when I was younger, but he was worried then that I would flip it with my driving skills at the time. My dad is no longer here either.

I got the Blue Bunny and 14 months later had my boy so I carried both boy and dog in the jeep back and forth from the park to the house and to visit family.

I know that sometime soon I am going to have to make a decision on what to do about her.

I’ve been blessed to have a “loaner” minivan that is quite cool. Words I never thought I could ever put into a sentence and mean! It’s “loaded” as they say and my boy likes it better than the jeep. I mean ALL of the windows roll up and down, there’s a sun roof, space, good on gas and oh yeah it has DVD players in it.

We took it on our trip to PA and even with 6 humans and all of our crap we had space. We even discussed, other than hitting laundry mats and grocery stores, we could just keep driving and take a trip around the country. It is that comfy and cool.

But still, I will miss the Blue Bunny once she goes.

For now, I can still keep hope alive that I can squeeze a bit more time out of her.

b bluebunny

For nostalgia’s sake if nothing else.

Memories last forever.

Have a fabulous graceless day!

 

 

 

 

 

The Mid-Week Hustle


Welcome to the midweek hustle!

If you’re reading this, you’re still breathing so be happy!

You may be going through a rough patch, hell, it may be a rough month/year but you are still on this planet breathing in and out, so be grateful.

So many have not made it this far.

I know personally it has been a challenging week for me.

I have been blessed to have wonderful humans in my life to help drag me from the brink and take care of me. Even when I think “I’m fine” and I am being stubborn they seem to keep sticking around.

I spent part of my weekend with my girls in Atlanta and oh how I needed it!

We didn’t “do” much, we did have a birthday party for a dear friend, but as far as getting out and doing things, no that didn’t happen other than dinner one night.

I didn’t go to sleep before 3:00 AM either night I was there!

I wish I could say I was up dancing and partying, however since I was up late 2 nights, anyone that knows me knows that isn’t possible!

I did, however, enjoy awesome, silly conversations with my friends, covering every topic we could think up! From our fashion faux pas, relationship, politics to what were are planning to eat, we discussed it all. We laughed until we cried and kept going. Let’s just say I was not an early riser those days!

I spent the rest of my child free time working, cleaning and with my someone special. We will see where it leads but I have a lot of hope this time around!

The best part of today is my boy comes home!

I have missed that little booger!

He’s went for his final week with his dad and grandparents and I know he had fun as I got updates, but golly gee do I miss him when he is gone.

Also today will be crazy hustle as early scheduling for work and then karate with my boy, then we again go to our happy place at the beach. Another fun family vacation! I wish I had my cousins and brother, sister-in-law and nephew going too as it is a lot of fun with so many helping hands, but we will have fun no matter what.

So I wish to end this on a happy, full of hope kind of note.

Always remember to Keep Hope Alive!

Stay fabulous my graceless friends!

Lady Maos

Falling apart together


*Most of my posts are about life and my thoughts, opinions and ideas, however, every once in a while I feel the urge to write so strong and am always amazed at how it comes out in different forms… this is one of those poems I tend to churn out when I have those moments. I hope you enjoy it. FB aka Lady Mao

Sometimes it feels like you’re falling apart.

So many things, so many false starts.

The deal you thought would surely come true.

The friend you thought you truly knew.

The wish you made upon that star.

The following day a scratch on your car.

Broken promises told yet again.

Then the rare find of an old, lost friend.

Suddenly life seems to be look up.

You find yourself drinking from a silver cup.

Yet you are weary from life, not sure what’s true.

Trusting seems to be hard for you.

Your outlook on life seems so cheery,

Yet deep inside you feel bleak and bleary.

You put on a smile, don’t wear that frown.

Think positive thoughts, don’t stop to look down.

Keep moving along faster than snail pace.

You might actually get through this life race.

You find hope in the most unlikely places.

You may even find hope in the spaces.

Places you never looked at before, become a haven for treasures galore.

Hope in fellow man seems likely once more, for once it seems there isn’t a war.

At least on this avenue through your passing of life.

Hold on, stay up, don’t give into strife.

Maybe I’ll see you while you’re passing though.

You’ll know then it’s not only you.

We all fall apart but can come back together.

Though this mortal coil may be light as a feather.

Please never give up, don’t forget who you are.

A beautiful human who wishes on stars.

It’s Thursday!!!!


One day closer to the weekend.

Thursday is just kind of hanging out there.

Not too much is said unless you get a long weekend and it starts on Thursday!

Although it seems to usually be a pretty decent day when I think about it.

For example, tomorrow I just have to do a bit of work, drive to the country, write and enjoy life!

At least I am trying to put the positive spin on it.

The boy leaves for his camping trip today.

I did get to see him last night at karate though. He got his green belt. I’m both proud and impressed as he is a handful and most of the time he does what he’s told and follows direction. Of course not ALL the time. He’s almost 5 and is constantly on the move and in conversation!

I told him I would come and he would go home with daddy or his other grandmother and he was fine with it. I told him when he came back from his week vacation with them that we would go to the beach and he ran yelling though the house, “We’re going to the beachhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Yes, just a touch excited and loving the beach like his mama!

But then he cried and said he didn’t want me to go home without him.

Even though I KNOW he is going through this phase of turning on the tears to get what he wants, it kills me a little inside to not be able to say, “Ok kiddo, let’s go with me.” It isn’t how it works with this scenario and he knows it too. And not that he gets away with it around me, I invented the “turn on the tears” to try and get what I wanted when I was his age!

So I sat in the car and shed a few tears, then went and got my mama and we had a lovely dinner at the Olive Garden,

The boy is camping with his other family, probably being like lord of the flies and eating the filling out of the Oreos and putting them back in the package and having a blast.

I am working and writing and trying to find a bit of peace in my mind.

I hope you are able to find a bit of peace and/or sanity today as well.

Or if you’re starting your weekend early, please have 2 for me!

We are almost to the end of this crazy week!

Never forget to Keep Hope Alive!

Have a fabulous Thursday and stay graceless my friends!

 

Commitments & Lady Maos


It seems lately I have been going along, trying to do the right things, keep up with responsibilities and always keep hope alive.

It isn’t always easy. It seems there are people who would rather cut you down and hurt you than just walk away.

Walking away isn’t easy nor is it for the faint of heart.

Oftentimes it is not easy to just walk away, especially if one has obligations they committed to in addition to doing what is best for all involved.

When I make a commitment I do my damnedest to stick to it.

I know I have let people down; I am so far from perfect I don’t even pretend to be in that category.

I have failed at relationships. I have also learned valuable lessons and been introduced to worlds and ideas I never knew existed.

I don’t nor could I discount something so easily when it was more than that.

I still work to be communicative and open even when things are ending because chances are good that we not only shared a relationship, but also other responsibilities together.

For anyone, whether it’s a child, home, furniture, CD/s, books, vehicles or any other random obligation, once you end a relationship with someone, you should finalize and complete your commitments.

I realize this can be hard.

It can be harder to do when feelings are hurt and one only wants to hurt another to make them feel the pain they are feeling.

Sadly, this is something I have witnessed and have had done to me.

Again, I never said I was perfect, but I do always work to honor those other factors that were put in place, in the “no matter what” category, to make sure no one else is responsible for something I said I would do. If I can’t make it happen, I am the one letting them know why and what I can do to try and make it better.

I have been told I am brutally and painfully honest at times.

I bite my tongue so often that the pain of it reminds me how much I can hurt others with not only my words but my actions or inactions.

Oftentimes my inactions are due to the very fact that if I did take action and spoke my mind I fear the repercussions would be far, far worse than not saying anything at all.

I have seen the dark side of humanity. I understand it and have a healthy fear of it.

Words and promises can be said a million times over but actions speak louder than words. “I’m sorry.” “I promise.” Words with power behind them to Mean something but overused and excused so often it becomes the patent response to shut one up.

When you’ve said or written something of importance and the response is “OK” sends me over the edge. Really? I tell you something important or how I feel and all you can muster up in that big brain of yours is “OK’?!

“OK” is fine for short texts when you’re planning dinner, meeting up, finalizing plans, etc. However, “Ok” when everyone knows more than one word is needed in the reply… even a “will talk more later” means worlds. “Ok” to me, means you don’t really care enough to respond. But you said you did.

I am so very fortunate and blessed to have so many amazing humans in my life that “get me”. That it seems no matter what happens they are there for me. Whether they be family, friends, past or new, I know that these people are There for me. In their own ways and as much as they can be.

I know that they accept me flaws and all.

Because they have proved to me time after time they are committed to our relationship.

They have flaws too. Every one of them. And will admit it, although not publically some of them and I don’t blame them.

After all, this is my blog. My thoughts. MY putting it out there into the world.

And I do it cautiously but also with a wild abandon glee that is like swinging high on the swings at the park when you’re a kid. That feeling of flying and not knowing what’s going to happen next but you pump your legs higher and you keep going because you know deep down this is what you love to do.

Writing is like that for me.

And those who know me, and the ones getting to know me seem to keep coming back and giving me constructive criticism and praise and I can’t tell you what it means to me.

Because it’s a commitment you see. A commitment to share my life, one day at a time my writing this “blog”. A commitment I made to myself and no one else.

I am growing more and more and hopefully becoming a better human being by doing this.

I don’t write the answers to the world’s problems, or even things that fit everyone. Each day is different. Each day is new. Each article is another part of me that I let out into the world.

Some days I have verbal diarrhea, haha like maybe today, and I write/vent/ramble more.

Other days I find humorous things, or interesting things or sometimes it is something I feel compelled to write. My writing may be lengthy with “not enough” videos, photos or whatever. It may be shorter articles with crazy photos and sayings I find on the internet, or better yet, real life photos from my world.

A very close friend, I will call them Captain Pogo, called me Lady Maos.

I laughed so hard I snorted! Since I love the word maos, chaos and mayhem, and use it as often as possible, being called Lady Maos made my day.

It also made me realize it’s so much a part of me just like being fabulously graceless is that I will be using it in my writings.

I know y’all are just thrilled!

So I will wrap up this long winded Wednesday thought provoking, insightful post by telling you all to Keep Hope Alive my Fabulously Graceless Friends!

I could not do this without the support of my loved ones and those of you who are seemly to become like family through the wonderful writings and musings of the world wide web!

Love and happiness to all!

Stay Fabulous!

Lady Maos aka Fabulous Gracelessness!

lady maoe