Sometimes I can’t think right. Too many things going on and my brain doesn’t work like I want it to. I still can “perform” to a degree though it isn’t always pretty. Life with chronic pain issues just blows. There is no pretty dressing I can put on it today.
That I was able to shower, go to see the boy at karate and look “normal” was more of a challenge than I care to admit. But it was worth it hearing him say, “Mommy you look so pretty. You always come see me.” Like I would stay away. The only times I ever wasn’t there was when I had surgery and procedures done. I always work hard to be there for him. He needs me. I need him. It works both ways.
It seemed like because I made an effort I was able to take care of a few other things I needed to do. Some not all, but I count it as a victory for me. Sometimes it’s the little things.
Being an “older” single mommy has its benefits and challenges. I wouldn’t trade any of it because I am The Boy’s Mommy. He chose me. Lord knows there’s always something going on and usually I am moving faster than I want and quicker than I realized I could. Of course I pay for it. I should buy stock in the heating pad company! I give it my all and then some. I love every second of it and never take it for granted.
I am so blessed to have a great medical support team, amazing people who care about me and help me out and a twisted sense of humor to get me through even the bleakest of times. These people cheer me on, call me out and help me find ways to get through tests, treatments and procedures as well as get through my daily life. I couldn’t do it without them.
I am a horrible patient too! I would prefer to be the one taking care of others, it’s in my makeup. Life finds humor in making me be on the other end and making me stop at times.
It is then when I realize how lucky and blessed I am.
When I feel myself beginning to wallow in self-pity I have to remind myself that I have a miracle boy and loving people who support me.
I can’t allow myself to slip onto the island of depression for it’s an easy journey there and hard to leave once you arrive. It can be so hard as it can be very inviting to go and fall into the pit. I know that once you are there it is hard to leave. You think about it. About how easy it would be to just stay. Let others handle your life and maybe check yourself into the Casa de Straight-Jacket but then I realized I don’t like being bound and I would miss my freedom. No matter how gray the day may be I know I will see the sun again.
I know that all I have to do is believe and keep hope alive.