the boy

Ramblings in the middle of the week

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

“You have to be honest with someone because if you’re not, you can’t feel their heart anymore.” The Boy, Wise beyond his 5 years.

 

I really have to thank my friend for challenging us to write for 30 days.

It’s been too long since I’ve blogged anything.

I felt like I couldn’t write on my own damn page.

I felt somewhat crippled by all that was going on in my life and putting anything out here would be misconstrued, used against me or poured over for some obscure meaning that has nothing to do with anything other demented delusions.

I felt overwhelmed with the prospect of writing and putting my thoughts and feelings “out there”.  

I never stopped writing of course. That isn’t an option for me! I have always written in journals and my hiatus from blogging was due to my hesitation to share any of my life publically. My journal is overflowing so of course I have topics… lots and lots of topics!

I often reflect, observe and replay my life over in my mind. I go through situations, conversations and emotions, both my own and others.

I often over analyze why I do certain things and react in certain ways.

In a nut shell, I may seem bat shit crazy, however, I try to be loyal, compassionate and honest with folks. More so with those I love and respect. I am just me.

I am happy to be back!

Keep hope alive for a fabulous Wednesday!

 

**Special shout out to my boy WD celebrating the big 21 today! So proud to be your crazy auntie!**

 

Advertisement

Things that matter to me

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Things that really matter to me

My son

My family… well most of them, some of them are quite crazy

My friends who are always there no matter what

My boyfriend and his awesome son

My job because I love taking care of others even when it makes me crazy

My health so I can do all the things I need to do, not just what I want to do

Having a roof over the boy’s head

Making sure the boy is cared for and knows that he is LOVED

Making sure those I love Know that I love them for who they are, not what they can do for me

Writing… I always knew and writing my blog confirmed for me it is something that makes me feel whole

Being kind to others, because sometimes you may be the only person who is nice to someone and it can make a difference

Having food to fuel my body and soul

Always having hope because hope leads to happiness which leads to love which gives you the ability to get through the storms in life knowing that you have hope, you’ll find happiness and life is so much better with love

Keep hope alive

Caverns and butterflies

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

IMG_9153

This past weekend I enjoyed visiting one of the oldest caverns in the United States right here in sweet home Alabama.

IMG_9110

I went with my boyfriend and our sons, a total of 4 of us trekking on an adventure. Naturally I am out-gendered, however I know how to run with the boys and even impress with my ability to keep up… in a few instances be in the lead and one moment, questioning my sanity, riding with the boy on a flip you upside down ride. I was actually proud of myself as I didn’t say any crude words just closed my eyes and laughed hysterically. I’m just thankful my man didn’t photograph or video that! Leave it to my 5 year old to want to ride that!

IMG_9095

Neither of us adults had been there in over 20 years. We learned that they had moved the main entrance; stairs are a liability, and also closed part of the cavern due to flooding. I think it made us both feel better because neither of us remembered going in the way we did. I thought I remembered a lot of stairs too. It’s kind of sad they had to close it off but it was still as awe inspiring and fun as it was when we were kids.

They’ve added a mini movie and a laser light show. Although amusing, the light show was kind of cheesy but still fun.

IMG_9181

We did get some awesome photos of the cavern, the scenery outside and of course ones with the kids being kids. His phone is newer than mine so the photos were better but we laughed at the photos we took of the same things from similar angles. It makes me want a camera or a better phone!

IMG_9185

We also visited the beautiful butterfly house. We went towards the end of the day so there weren’t too many people in there at all but the four of us and what seemed like a hundred butterflies. It was so beautiful. Sometimes it is nice to just observe the beauty.

Sometimes you need to just get out and go. Don’t worry so much about all the “chores” that need to be done because they will eventually get done. You don’t always get that chance to just enjoy the beauty in our natural surroundings. Take it when and while you can.

IMG_9188

Keep hope alive!

 

Beginning life outside the comfort zone

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

life begins happy friday

I have been going through so many phases in my life with so many changes to both my personal and professional life recently. Most all of them are good, some are challenging and others I just don’t even know how to categorize. I know that I have felt more alert and acutely aware at times.

Because of all of this there are other times when I am totally wiped from trying to do so many things and cover so many bases. I don’t need to be dropping my basket again, folks would start talking. Wagging their tongues like they know me when the reality is they have no idea about me. They see me, look at me, access from their perspective and judge me when they don’t even speak to me but at me. Where is their basis for judgment when you don’t communicate?

I actually work to make my life better. I work for myself, my son and the people I love in my life. I work to make my job better and I don’t do it for the money, but for the love of helping others.

Yet I am judged. I am no saint. I have made plenty of mistakes. I also know that if I don’t try things, I will never find full inner peace. I can’t go through life without living it. There will be bumps, dings and sometimes even big blow ups through this journey.

prison of how others see you

But I have to do it my way, on my terms, with the people I chose and not who someone else thinks I need to be doing their way. Last time I checked I am an adult, albeit one who sometimes wishes I could lay off the adulting at times, I still do all of my “adult chores.” I am also mommy to a small boy who counts on me… that’s responsibility. He is healthy and happy and has always had consistency with me. Sure we’ve had adventures and had really challenging things happen to us, but he has come through those challenges stronger, better and with his own quirky views and also compassionate and loving. He is also full speed ahead and a 5 year old boy who is curious, presses boundaries and is a human sponge. Life is never dull around him.

It is during these challenging times I find myself out of my comfort zone. During these outings, is where I find out more about myself and I realize I can’t let the judgment of others cloud what I need to do for me.

Step outside of your comfort zone for a bit. It’s good for you.

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Happy places, my mind and good memories

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Whenever I realize I need to calm the hell down, I search my mind for a happy memory.

Lately my life has been so maotic I can’t even remember to do the basic things I need to do. I have missed calls, texts and emails. I have missed deadlines, lunches and people who counted on me. It may not be that extreme but it is pretty close.

I have had absolutely fabulous things happen in my world. Things I couldn’t imagine would be so wonderful but that also require me to give of myself which I gladly do.

The boy is definitely a highlight of my universe. I think he is working on his own comedy bit. Finding humor in everyday life, he has been quite full of it. A fine example is the other evening after his bath, we were putting on his lotion and he accidentally slung it on my face. When I pointed out he had flung it onto my glasses he exclaimed, “WELL CAN YOU SEE? If you can’t see then I definitely need to apologize, but if you can see, well then that’s just funny!” All said while wildly gesturing naked, of course. It made me laugh when I really needed it and it makes me laugh just thinking about it.

I think of people and places that make me happy. I think of nature and how much I love being out in it, even in the rain. I think of flea markets and nature preserves, of beaches and mountains. I think of the endless possibilities of people and situations that make my life better, richer and so much more entertaining.

I guess I am trying to say, when you feel like you are slipping and you’re grasping at the strings of life in the mist of the maos, find something inside of you that makes you happy. The good, warm in your belly kind of happy. We all deserve that.

Keep hope alive!

 

It’s the middle of the week so I pretend I’m superwoman

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

It’s the middle of another fabulous week!

Depending on the time of day it’s either on the upward trek or the downward slope to the weekend.

I’m hoping for downward slope! Or maybe not it’s another work weekend for me. No rest for the wicked and all of that happiness.

u r u dr seuss

For me trying to juggle being mommy, relationships, work, writing, life – it can be a bit overwhelming. I don’t give up easily but I do make concessions I’ve come to realize.

I used to be so anal about making sure certain things were done. I was more organized and it sounds like a good thing but in reality I was stressing out if I didn’t follow through on the schedules and deadline I set for myself. After I became a parent it seemed to only get worse. Becoming a single parent really put the kibosh on having everything “just so”. I’m proud when I keep the boy alive, fed and happy and when I keep him and his friend alive, fed and happy I feel like I am freaking superwoman!

sometimes superhero

I know we can all be overwhelmed with the zingers life tosses us.

We just can’t give up, even when giving up seems to be the best option.

You may have more people depending on you than you realize. Just to see your face, hear your voice or know you’re still out there helps them.

So be you, have a fabulous day and keep hope alive!

 

 

I love my rocks

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

IMG_8812

Oh how much joy I get from a “rock”!

Rocks, quartz, crystals I get excited!

I am aware I am a bit of a nerd and I am okay with that.

I realized this has passed to the boy and it is something beautiful to behold to me.

FullSizeRender (4)

I have a rule of no sticks in the house. Unless it is something truly special, do not bring a stick up in my house! Swords, canes, staff and walking sticks: these are fine.

Bring a cool looking rock, quartz or crystal and I’m all “well bring it in and let’s look at it!” Pure amusement and delight for hours.

Recently we were gifted with a beautiful Crystal, the boy’s says it’s The Crystal. I had not even pulled it out of the wrapping he exclaims, “ohmygosh mommy it’s The Crystal!!!” He had zero idea I even had it or that it had been given to us. He just knew.

FullSizeRender

It’s like the rock calls to us. You can feel the buzz when it touches your hand.

You can feel the oneness with the earth so solid and tangible that you can just feel the connections.

I know I am a freak but I am not alone. There are others like me including my own offspring who share the same love as I do. I am not alone!

Keep hope alive!

 

 

 

 

So I lost it on my kid…

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

It finally happened… I lost it on the boy. And by lost it, I don’t mean I went all off screaming, hollering and beating the child, although it crossed my mind in a fit of hysterical laughter.

Yes, I lost it through hysterically laughing for at least 10 minutes.

With my kid doing the airplane thing on my legs and then sniffing me. As in like a dog sniffing me. Or one of those wild children you hear about raised by wolves with the slight crazed look in their eyes.

I thought of the Chucky doll.

I told him to “Stop it please” but by then I was already falling into the “I’m totally losing it with my kid and I have no urge to harm so this is probably good” vibe.

Pshaw all of y’all thinking I beat my kid and wrote a blog about it!

Then again, there are some serious nut bags out there. I mean I am crazy but I would never purposefully harm my child.

He is my everything but, I really get the whole, “I brought you in and I will take you out” mentality. I understand why some creatures eat their young. I really, truly do.

It isn’t those embarrassing in public moments necessarily either, although that does happen. It’s more like the 10th time you’ve told said offspring to do something and they either suddenly became deaf or all together leave the situation because apparently if I can’t see him, he isn’t there to get in trouble. The logic is perfectly fine for a 5 year old. In fact, 5 year old logic can make more sense at times than adults. Those are the moments I question my sanity.

So here I am laying on my bed laughing so hard I nearly spritz. My kid is on top of me and laughing so hard he is drooling on me, I’m getting grossed out but can’t move him because I am paralyzed with laughter. It really hurt.

I was torn.

I was laughing harder than I had in a while and I was also at my wits end because he won’t listen.

This is what they refer to as parenting hell. At least one form of it.

I was finally able to regain my composure and somewhat actually parent the boy. It’s hard to give a straight face when your face hurts from laughing so hard.

The good thing is that he knows he can always laugh with me and he loves making me laugh.

He knows he had better start listening or mommy may really loose it!

He also knows that I love him no matter what.

I think that is what this parenting thing is all about.

Keep hope alive!

 

No sleep with children

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

My side of the bed was invaded by another human 5 years ago. That would be when I gave birth to the boy.

It doesn’t seem to matter that he has his own room, complete with his very own bed, somehow it seems he always ends up in mine. On my side no less! The nerve! I had no idea what all I was giving up when I became a parent. I knew a lot of things, or so I thought. I did not realize that giving a part of my side of the bed was part of the deal!

Before the boy came into my life one of the luxuries I enjoyed was sleeping. Like any time I wanted and for as long as I wanted provided I didn’t have to work… so I could pay for my overhead and sleep! I never knew how much I loved sleeping. Adored it actually until it was somewhat taken from me.

What they didn’t teach in parenting class was after you have a child you don’t ever sleep the same.

Whether they are with you or not, you still don’t sleep right. If they aren’t with you then you worry about them and when they are with you chances are good you aren’t sleeping because the offspring has decided to slip into your bed.

Your space.

Only it is no longer your space because when you became a parent, a tiny tidbit left out of everything you could have possibly read, you lose a part of yourself and the creature that you gave birth to is the one that took that.

Look at that sweet face! How could you not want to give it your all?

I say, give them everything but my sleep space.

And the time I need to sleep. Yes I said need versus want because I am willing to compromise.

Before the boy I would never compromise on my sleep. I was quite bitchy about it at times.

I am guessing this is my karma!

Oh sweet sleep if I could only have you when I need you! But alas, I jumped on the parenting train and I am certain it will be a while before we can join up again. For now I will take what I can get here and there and I will be grateful for it.

I seriously have got to get this kid out of my bed again!

*note that “No sleep til Brooklyn” by the Beastie Boys was playing in my head as “No sleep with children”!

*for those of you who have managed parenthood without sleep interruption and deprivation, I salute you!