Surviving, thriving or a bit of both


I miss it so much

Even for a day when the boy is away

It’s too quiet

I have a life and things I can do when he’s gone

Yet nothing compares to the space he fills in my heart

Nor does anything compare to having him with me

My heart splits in two

This feeling is more than any other I have felt in life before

I wonder if I am learning to survive or is this thriving

 

Advertisements

Easter bonnets, leather and lace


Growing up Easter Sunday meant new outfits, going to church with the family followed by lunch and a big Easter egg hunt with a bunch of other kids and families. Easter bonnets and glovers with patent leather Mary Jane’s were the style back in the day.

As I aged, I didn’t always get a new outfit or go to church. I didn’t always make it to a good dinner and I definitely didn’t do too many egg hunts.

Once I became a parent a few things changed.

I don’t have a huge income so I find something nice to wear if I don’t get myself something. The boy always gets new clothes.

I don’t like crowds but I sometimes go to church with the boy. The walls didn’t cave in when I went and most everyone was polite.

I seem to eat more good Sunday lunches like I did when I was a kid and I have gone to more egg hunts in the last 6 years than I did the previous 20!

This year my sister is home for one of those over the top southern holidays she had forgotten about how things may go down for Easter.

As she and I often do, we discuss our outfits for going out. She is much more fashionable than I am, with her planning my outfits because I don’t care as much as I probably should!

I was laughing so hard when I said we were going to church, and because we were texting and I just throw out my thoughts without filtering, I wrote, “Just wear a bonnet, leather and lace to church”! I know she knew what I meant, however I could not stop laughing at myself.

The “if I died and someone read this they would think I was off my rocker for sure” thoughts ran through my mind over and over. *note to self, clean out texts!

We plan to go to church, eat with family, go eat with more family and I am sure we will be egg hunting as we have the boy! I am very sure that no matter what happens, we will be laughing and having a fabulous time. It’s what we do.

I hope you all have a fabulously wonderful Easter Sunday!  

 

 

 

Fabulously Gracelessness and my freak light


Fabulous Gracelessness has a freak light. It attracts all sorts of interesting humans. From the completely interesting to the why in the name of mother earth are you telling me your life story from DNA up?!

The other night the boy and I were in a local store. We were checking out the $5 films and an older gentleman was picking up several movies at a time and looking at them. My mistake was asking if he was looking for a particular one and trying to distract the boy from looking at all the toys… seriously didn’t see all the toys right next to the videos, evil marketing people.

The gentleman sees the boy, smiles, and tells me he is only “just looking.” He then proceeds to tell me about how he left his glasses in the car so he had to put them close to his face and mimicked squinting and being silly. We laughed. Then he told the history of his visual degeneration throughout his life. He was 75, because of course, he told me. I could only do laps with the boy in the cart for so long in that area, and between his eye surgery/accident stories and the boy’s “oooo look at that toy mommy” I ended up with 3 movies and skedaddled out of that area as quickly as possible.

I apparently wasn’t paying attention to everything he said because I we saw him a few minutes later and he said, “Such a funny story I’m glad you enjoyed it too!” I just laughed and pushed the cart into the feminine hygiene isle. Usually they won’t follow you over there.

Of course I have had my fair share of freaky encounters there too. Once my friend and I were grabbing something from the area and this, um, lady, asked me very loudly what she needed to make her “privates stop itching inside, ya know?” After questioning her to make sure she didn’t need another type of product, we got her in the right area and tried to escape. She came up behind us gasping from running to “catch up to y’all to jus’ thank you so much for helping her cause no one ever tole her anythin and we was jus so niceeeee”. We could not pay fast enough and the cashiers were dying laughing because she just kept on talking and everyone in the front part of the store soon knew about her yeast infection. Oh yes.

Fly your freak flag proudly but please don’t share all with folks!

There are some things Everyone doesn’t Need to know! Trust me on this!

As I was checking out and discussing what the boy and I needed to do, the cashier started talking to the boy, asking his age, etc. He was of course obliging and talking to her, the flirt, and she started talking about how she was expecting… some sudden switch flipped on and she began this stream of conscious speaking about everything that could have possibly happened since she took the test to “tell you that you’re going to have a baby”.

By the time we left I could only pray the boy wouldn’t ask too many questions as I had to redirect her babble midstream as I could see some things being said I really didn’t want to have to explain to a 5 year old! Fortunately he had movies and a small candy, distraction at checkout, to focus on.

Sometimes people really need to pay attention to who is around them when they go sharing.

At least the boy gets that people seem to just talk to mommy about anything and to not worry unless I get worried.

So I am hoping to have a relatively “share free” weekend and hopefully my freak light won’t burn too brightly!

Hence, the keep hope alive! I’m going to need it!

Have a fabulous day!

 

We are all superheroes


IMG_8301

Today is superhero day at the boy’s school. He is under the impression that I need to dress up as well. Even though, in his mind, I am a superhero every day. Today I am supposed to “show the world” my superhero self.

I keep telling him no one wants to see mommy in costume but he disagrees. It isn’t that I don’t like to dress up, but wearing a costume to work when it isn’t Halloween won’t go over too well. I am sure my boss would be amused, but some of my client’s not so much.

FullSizeRender (1)

I love that my son thinks I am a superhero. He says I am his own personal superhero.

He truly believes when I go and help “take care of people” that I am being a superhero. I told him I am still just his mommy and trying to help others as much as I can.

I told him I mess up, I make mistakes and sometimes I let people down. He knows I am not perfect. He has seen me mess up, lose my cool and fall apart. He loves me unconditionally as I love him. It amazes me that he always wants to be with me even when I get onto him when he does wrong. He informed me it’s because I tell him when he is wrong and I also tell him I love him no matter what. He can grasp the importance of messing up, learning from his mistakes and having those who love you still love you even when you mess up.

He looked at me with his sweet, innocent face and said, “Mommy, you are human. You tell me no one is perfect. Even you. But I think you are perfect for me.” He is so right. No one is perfect. But on those amazingly rare occasions, we are perfect for each other.

That it took a 5 year old to remind me of something so profound and true tells me I must be doing something right.

So today, find your inner superhero! And recognize those who are everyday superheroes. You never know who it may be.

IMG_8303

Keep hope alive for a fabulous day!

Wants, needs and desires


IMG_8274

Lately I’ve been observing what I want, what I truly need and the things that I desire in my life.

I have been making a conscious effort to basically pick apart my thoughts, words, actions and deeds. I have been hard on myself as it is a painful thing to do, if I am being honest.

Seeing how I can be or can be perceived can tear at me in such a way it can leave me speechless.

Hearing how I sound at times when I communicate with others, once played back, can be looked upon as poor or plain miscommunication. Either way I know that in several relationships I need to work on conveying how I am feeling, not how I want to feel. Because if I am honest, I don’t often let people in as deep as I am due to the fact that I feel that if they truly saw ME they would run away and I would never hear from them again. It does happen. This I know.

I know that I am working to get my groove back since I started working full time plus outside of the realm of mommy, writer and homemaker diva.

I lost my crown a while back in case anyone was keeping score.

I have flaws but it’s odd that even when I state that for the record, it gets lost until I finally screw up enough that an attempt to toss it back at me ends poorly for all involved. I admit my quirks and imperfections. Take me or leave me but don’t act as if I have hidden them.

One of the things I now work into my life equations is the boy. Parenting is an amazing responsibility.

Before I had him all my thoughts, dreams and impulsions were much easier and I didn’t have to go with the flow I could swim against the current if I chose to do so. I can still swim against the currents, but I have to think about the other life I am responsible for. I have to choose what is not only best for me but him too.

Am I making it harder on me by choosing the easier path? Have I become a cop out?! Only I can answer those questions.

Only I can truly determine what I need versus my wants and desires. Something I do not take lightly. I can’t.

As I do daily, I am examining more closely me.

I try not to be so harsh on myself.

I always keep hope alive!

Life, adventures and wicked sense of humor


imagination tinkerbell

It seems like life has a wicked sense of humor. Or either I have a really skewed perspective. One of the two but I haven’t figure it out yet. It’s fine by me right now.

I am just trying to survive at this point! It’s been a bit of a maotically challenging week. Who am I kidding? It’s been stressful, exhausting and draining. My body hurts more than it has in ages and all I want to do is sleep.

IMG_8257

I have so much to do so I decided the boy and I are going on an adventure today… I am sure I will need medications and maybe a scooter to get through it. Sometimes it can be hard keeping up with a 5 year old boy when your body is falling apart. However, I will not give up that easily.

See?! My pity party only lasted seconds… more or less!

My motto is always keep hope alive!

I hope we all get through this day with a little faith, hope and pixie dust!

Art courtesy of the boy *African art which he translated into a zombie art project with the zombie spiders along with he and I… he’s so creative and his teacher was impressed with his imagination and color choices!

FullSizeRender

 

Fabulous Friday and dreamin’ of a lazy weekend


happy fridayHere is wishing everyone a fabulously, graceful beautiful Friday!

We have finally made it to the end of the week and I just pray that life decides to slow down, breathe, and Hope that Murphy thing eases up a bit!

After 12 days of being “on” this fabulously graceless lady is going to be “off”… and Murphy started it for me so I am just taking a hint!

deserve a medal friday

They boy and I will just chill for a few days.

Sleep, oh blessed sleep, I hope to get much this weekend! I hope to enjoy the hopeful warmer, sunny weather and also sleep! HA!

look at sky how amazing

At least the boy is at the age where he is content watching movies being lazy if he happens to get up before 9! Hey, I’m honest! I make sure he is taken care of but oh I love/need/gotta have some sleep!

So I’m making it through this day with thoughts of family, love, joy, hope and sleep! Because I have hope and I am fabulous! *these are the delusions I tell myself! Sometimes I even believe me!

tgi fabulous

Keep Hope Alive!

 

 

Thankful for today


Today is one of those days I am just thankful to see another day. Even if I feel exhausted and over whelmed by all of my responsibilities and lack of time, I am grateful to wake up. Even if I move slowly, I am thankful.

I am blessed for every “I love you mommy.” 

I love every kiss and hug he gives me.

I cherish every second of time with my boy even when I can relate to how some species can eat their young.

He makes my life my life so much richer.

He is the best contribution to the planet I can ever make.

The way he thinks and feels leaves me in awe.

I also worry for him.

I worry about things out of my control and things I screw up doing as a parent.

I worry about how things affect him and whether or not I am doing too much or not doing enough.

I worry about him when he isn’t with me.

I worry about him when he is hurt by others and their words.

I know there are lessons I am to teach and lessons I am to be here for him when life hurts him and I can’t control it.

Today I am thankful I woke to his sweet face.

My little miracle boy.

Today I keep hope alive for time with him. It is so precious and goes so fast.

On days when I feel like things are moving too fast, I pause and think about the best thing in my life. Then I smile.

I hope you all have a fabulous day!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Made it through becoming more me to Friday


hellooooooo friday

I wish you all a beautiful and fabulous Friday!

This week has been a heck of a week and I am thrilled that I have made it to the end of the week alive!

deserve a medal friday

It’s been emotional and stressful but also fulfilling and full of love from my famriends and especially the boy. It has been a week of me becoming more me. That is a very good thing!

never changed became more me

I hope that everyone slides into the weekend with the happiness bug and no broken bones!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

 

 

Raw expectations and perspective


We all have expectations of some degree or another.

Many of us want/wish things would go smoothly and according to plans. If you have been on the planet any length of time you learn that is not the way that it is.

I know that money can buy many things, even make you happy for a time… did you know you can hire someone to hold your umbrella, your place in line and even carry a child for you?

What it can’t buy is true feelings of happiness deep down in your soul.

So many times we place far too much value on material items. We place expectations of our happiness on material things or things that are so far out of our reach but we are taught to reach for the stars. We forget about the lesson of what happens when we do not get what we want.

I often see people going through the motions of happiness but they are not truly happy. Maybe they are happy in some ways but not fully at peace with who they are. They feel they need more “stuff”. Maybe it isn’t the “stuff” that they need but the intangible peace that can only come from within.

I know sometimes if I get too comfortable in my own skin it becomes uncomfortable and I search for ways to stretch my creativity and my mind. I need more, but it isn’t always about material gain. If that is a by-product of the changes I choose then I consider that a bonus. I obviously have to maintain a certain criteria in order to take care of myself and the boy.

I know that there are so many times I feel that I fail to meet the expectations of others. As well as the expectations I set for myself. I feel like I can be too stubborn, too strict, too hard, too blunt, too much of all the things I should ease up on. Then I argue with myself on if not me, who will? It can become a quiet hell in my mind. On the outside, I actually appear sane and having it together. Inside it is like Armageddon and the end of the world as I know it.

The need to do good and what is right is never in question. It’s the road to getting there that can get narrow and long. It’s going about it my way when others have their perceptions of how I should be doing it. Not that there is always something wrong with their way or that I can’t see the benefits and may even incorporate all or some of their suggestions. It is when I chose what I feel is best for me and mine and I am chastised like a child or someone tries to put me down because “they know what’s best”. Maybe they do know what’s best, but I can guarantee that that don’t know what is best for me.

One of my favorite lines is “finding my way lost.” I heard the term and wrote on the line into my poems over 20 years ago. It still resonates within me all these many years later. When I first wrote on it I was in my early 20’s. I had certain perceptions of how life “should” be and how I could make it into how I thought I wanted it to work. I was so far off the mark as to how things should be and what paths I needed to take to get there. However, in taking that detour in my life, it broadened my perspective of not only me, but the wider world.

Sometimes life moves so very fast, it’s like it goes in slow motion for a short while and it is back on the train to crazy town. Your dreams either happen, change forms, or are tweaked to reflect your inner changes. Sometimes you aren’t able to achieve certain dreams. You can let that define how you go forward by wallowing in your own self-pity (been there). Try moving forward in a new direction. I’m not necessarily sure it’s the direction you need to be going but it needs to feel right. I recommend this one over the self-pity. Not that self-pity doesn’t have its moments but that is all, for me, that it needs to be is moments. I can’t get caught up repeating the same thing over and over for years and not getting anywhere close to where I want to be.

I dreamed of a family. Not only the family I was born into, but a larger, happier, crazier family mixed with both the biological and those who chose to join me on this journey. I dreamed of children, a partner to share it with, and always, those I deem famriends – friends that are family.

My famriend family is amazing. I have those I have a DNA link to as well as the other amazing humans that I have met on this incredible journey of life. People I will have in my life in some form or another until the end of this life’s journey.

I was blessed with one amazing miracle that chose me to be his mama. I was also blessed with several “nieces and nephews” prior to the boy’s arrival to help prepare me for when the time was right.

Not every part of my dream was like I expected it to be. Sometimes it was more than I could take and pain, despair, depression and misery took over. They occasionally make their appearance but I now know how to deal with them.

The best part is that I am still here, writing my story with every breath I take. I am responsible for loving and showing another human being how to start their own journey. I hope to be with him for many years but I know that whatever time I have with him, he will always know what love is and he knows how to find happiness. I pray I have the time to teach him how to nurture that and help him grow into the young man he will hopefully become.

We never know what tomorrow brings, so try and share yourself with those you love while you have the change.

Look at life from a different perspective. Step out of your comfort zone, if only a little bit. Take a chance and live! Share the joy, compassion and love with the world. Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all just made the effort to try to be kinder, more patient and understanding every day?!

These are the raw thoughts that have been on my mind. These are the things that keep me going. These things and of course, the amazing people that I share my life with.

Keep Hope Alive!