Happy places, my mind and good memories


Whenever I realize I need to calm the hell down, I search my mind for a happy memory.

Lately my life has been so maotic I can’t even remember to do the basic things I need to do. I have missed calls, texts and emails. I have missed deadlines, lunches and people who counted on me. It may not be that extreme but it is pretty close.

I have had absolutely fabulous things happen in my world. Things I couldn’t imagine would be so wonderful but that also require me to give of myself which I gladly do.

The boy is definitely a highlight of my universe. I think he is working on his own comedy bit. Finding humor in everyday life, he has been quite full of it. A fine example is the other evening after his bath, we were putting on his lotion and he accidentally slung it on my face. When I pointed out he had flung it onto my glasses he exclaimed, “WELL CAN YOU SEE? If you can’t see then I definitely need to apologize, but if you can see, well then that’s just funny!” All said while wildly gesturing naked, of course. It made me laugh when I really needed it and it makes me laugh just thinking about it.

I think of people and places that make me happy. I think of nature and how much I love being out in it, even in the rain. I think of flea markets and nature preserves, of beaches and mountains. I think of the endless possibilities of people and situations that make my life better, richer and so much more entertaining.

I guess I am trying to say, when you feel like you are slipping and you’re grasping at the strings of life in the mist of the maos, find something inside of you that makes you happy. The good, warm in your belly kind of happy. We all deserve that.

Keep hope alive!

 

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My sister comes home today!!


Today I welcome my sister back home to the state where we grew up not too far from our childhood homes.

I need my sister like I need to breathe.

I have missed her.

Though we talk all the time on the phone and I visit her once a year, it isn’t enough.

It means the world when we are back “home” riding around laughing hysterically at each other.

The feeling of being complete and having a part of you that has seen it all makes a happy, content feeling in my soul.

It’s like this every time she comes home.

Now that I live here, it is even more special.

When I lived in other states and we would meet up and I would drive us “home” was always in the “best memories” jar.

kns

But the older we get and the trips are here and there, having her here experiencing life with me, seeing things through our eyes and enjoying each other’s company in our old stomping grounds makes its that much more precious and fragile.

Today my sister comes home.

Hope is alive and the locals should probably be concerned!

Have a fabulous Good Friday!

Take me as I am or walk away


Broken promises

Conditional love

Adoration

Delusions

Judgment

Forever

I am wrong

Your flaws

My flaws

My sins are greater

I’m selfish

It was my fault

Make others pay for anger against me

Selfish

Thoughtless

Then I stood up for me and mine

I said take me as I am or walk away

You walked away

I am strong

I don’t give up

I keep hope alive

I am the Phoenix

I will rise from the ashes

 

 

The thoughts go around inside of my mind


Thoughts go around inside of my mind, laughter madness a sing song rhyme

My emotions run back and forth through time

Happiness, sadness, joy and fear

Learning more with each passing year

Finding myself and losing another

Remembering we are all sisters and brothers

Mothers and fathers, daughters and sons

Familial bonds throughout the ruins

Assigned and chosen, both sides together

Stronger than granite yet light as a feather

My hope and my prayer is Keep Hope Alive

For I know through it all that I will survive.

Raw expectations and perspective


We all have expectations of some degree or another.

Many of us want/wish things would go smoothly and according to plans. If you have been on the planet any length of time you learn that is not the way that it is.

I know that money can buy many things, even make you happy for a time… did you know you can hire someone to hold your umbrella, your place in line and even carry a child for you?

What it can’t buy is true feelings of happiness deep down in your soul.

So many times we place far too much value on material items. We place expectations of our happiness on material things or things that are so far out of our reach but we are taught to reach for the stars. We forget about the lesson of what happens when we do not get what we want.

I often see people going through the motions of happiness but they are not truly happy. Maybe they are happy in some ways but not fully at peace with who they are. They feel they need more “stuff”. Maybe it isn’t the “stuff” that they need but the intangible peace that can only come from within.

I know sometimes if I get too comfortable in my own skin it becomes uncomfortable and I search for ways to stretch my creativity and my mind. I need more, but it isn’t always about material gain. If that is a by-product of the changes I choose then I consider that a bonus. I obviously have to maintain a certain criteria in order to take care of myself and the boy.

I know that there are so many times I feel that I fail to meet the expectations of others. As well as the expectations I set for myself. I feel like I can be too stubborn, too strict, too hard, too blunt, too much of all the things I should ease up on. Then I argue with myself on if not me, who will? It can become a quiet hell in my mind. On the outside, I actually appear sane and having it together. Inside it is like Armageddon and the end of the world as I know it.

The need to do good and what is right is never in question. It’s the road to getting there that can get narrow and long. It’s going about it my way when others have their perceptions of how I should be doing it. Not that there is always something wrong with their way or that I can’t see the benefits and may even incorporate all or some of their suggestions. It is when I chose what I feel is best for me and mine and I am chastised like a child or someone tries to put me down because “they know what’s best”. Maybe they do know what’s best, but I can guarantee that that don’t know what is best for me.

One of my favorite lines is “finding my way lost.” I heard the term and wrote on the line into my poems over 20 years ago. It still resonates within me all these many years later. When I first wrote on it I was in my early 20’s. I had certain perceptions of how life “should” be and how I could make it into how I thought I wanted it to work. I was so far off the mark as to how things should be and what paths I needed to take to get there. However, in taking that detour in my life, it broadened my perspective of not only me, but the wider world.

Sometimes life moves so very fast, it’s like it goes in slow motion for a short while and it is back on the train to crazy town. Your dreams either happen, change forms, or are tweaked to reflect your inner changes. Sometimes you aren’t able to achieve certain dreams. You can let that define how you go forward by wallowing in your own self-pity (been there). Try moving forward in a new direction. I’m not necessarily sure it’s the direction you need to be going but it needs to feel right. I recommend this one over the self-pity. Not that self-pity doesn’t have its moments but that is all, for me, that it needs to be is moments. I can’t get caught up repeating the same thing over and over for years and not getting anywhere close to where I want to be.

I dreamed of a family. Not only the family I was born into, but a larger, happier, crazier family mixed with both the biological and those who chose to join me on this journey. I dreamed of children, a partner to share it with, and always, those I deem famriends – friends that are family.

My famriend family is amazing. I have those I have a DNA link to as well as the other amazing humans that I have met on this incredible journey of life. People I will have in my life in some form or another until the end of this life’s journey.

I was blessed with one amazing miracle that chose me to be his mama. I was also blessed with several “nieces and nephews” prior to the boy’s arrival to help prepare me for when the time was right.

Not every part of my dream was like I expected it to be. Sometimes it was more than I could take and pain, despair, depression and misery took over. They occasionally make their appearance but I now know how to deal with them.

The best part is that I am still here, writing my story with every breath I take. I am responsible for loving and showing another human being how to start their own journey. I hope to be with him for many years but I know that whatever time I have with him, he will always know what love is and he knows how to find happiness. I pray I have the time to teach him how to nurture that and help him grow into the young man he will hopefully become.

We never know what tomorrow brings, so try and share yourself with those you love while you have the change.

Look at life from a different perspective. Step out of your comfort zone, if only a little bit. Take a chance and live! Share the joy, compassion and love with the world. Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all just made the effort to try to be kinder, more patient and understanding every day?!

These are the raw thoughts that have been on my mind. These are the things that keep me going. These things and of course, the amazing people that I share my life with.

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Fabulous Friday and still going


happy friday forget the bad.png

Even though I have to work this weekend, I am so thankful it’s Friday! Celebrate!

It hopefully won’t be as active as this past week and I can maybe not go as much  because this fabulously graceless chick is a wee bit tired.

wk wkend batmans

Sometimes you are expecting things to be hectic and maotic. You expect Murphy to show up and life to change your plans.

What you may not be expecting is so much of it all in a 4 day period! You aren’t expecting the extras, though you should as you know how this game of life works. You definitely didn’t need that little memo about more things to do and people flat out disrespecting others and the cruelty of some.

We made it to Friday! That my friends is why Keep Hope Alive is my mantra. Because even in the storms I will find a silver lining. The phone calls I got to make and talk to those near and dear. The time with the boy, even when he’s having a moment and it’s unpleasant, the full on love and hugs he freely gives. Time with new people and being able to see things from a different perspective. Those moments that can make you stop and have to catch your breath and then plan on how you get through it.

The fact that we woke up this morning and are facing the day. The miracle of something as “simple” as that.

I hope you all have a wonderful and fabulous Friday!

have a beautiful friday

Keep Hope Alive!

Fun, Fabulous and Finally Friday!


Halleluiah it’s Finally Fabulous Friday!

finally friday

It’s not that I don’t have work to do but it’s the hope that I will be “done” when this workday is over. As in, off the clock kind of done. I do love my job but I feel like I have been “on” for two weeks and I guess technically I have. The type of work I do, I get too into it and really need to step away sometimes. It doesn’t mean I won’t still worry, but it means I am not the one who is responsible for our clients and I am not the one on call after 5:00! Carrying the weight of being responsible for someone else’s welfare is stressful.

I can promise you I am not in it for the money because this calling I have to take care of others does not pay as much as my project management job in telecom that I had previously. I love what I do now and before I didn’t love what I did but I needed the paycheck.

When I got laid off due to industry wide layoffs in the fall of 2014, I was a little freaked about not getting a regular paycheck, not counting unemployment for a few months, but I was actually relieved. The stress and the plain meanness of some people in the industry had done me in after only 3.5 years.

It is sad that the industry of taking care of others pays so little. Our daycare workers, teachers and caregivers get paid the lowest amounts yet they are the ones we entrust the very lives of our loved ones with. I know in caregiving in general, even in private pay, the average person can only allot so much for care.

I have families that need someone 24/7 but can only afford 8-10 hours a day. I have people who have no one and just need someone to take them to an medical appointment because you can’t drive yourself if you have anesthesia. I have people who can no longer drive and need someone to take them places. I have others who just need companionship for their loved ones. I have others that should be under medical care but can’t, or won’t, go the extra mile so they get someone to come in and “sit” with their loved one to “help out”.

4 types of people

I work with people who have loved ones who need the care, but want to tell me how it needs to be done and they don’t listen to the person receiving the care of how they want it done. Awkward!

I have employees who don’t show, walk off or quit calling in. I wonder if they would do it if the roles were reversed. I wonder how they made it as long in the industry as they have. I wonder why they ask for work only to turn it down or not show. I question, if I hired them, why I didn’t pick up on those flaws.

One of the people I work with, after talking to me and hearing me answer several other calls and taking care of caregivers and client needs, said, “Well I guess that’s why they pay you the big bucks.” I calmly looked at her and said, “We don’t discuss pay with each other but I can guarantee I am not in this for the money, therefore I am not making the big bucks.” She thought I was offended but I was amused.

Anytime you say the word “manager” in your title it is automatically assumed that you make a lot of money. I am not sure why this is. I do know several management jobs that don’t pay squat and others that pay mega bucks. I am closer to the squat side that the mega side and I am truly okay with that because in my soul I am at peace with what I do every day.

Yes, I love my job but today, I am thankful it is Friday!

never give up

It is a fantastically, fabulous, rainy Friday but we made it!

And all because I always Keep Hope Alive!

 

 

Genderless toy aisles, George Carlin and raising my boy


It seems lately George Carlin is running back through my head again. I like remembering George and all of his rants and insights.

I loved his creativity of being able to convey and articulate his thoughts and views into monologues that were not only hysterically funny, but also made you think.

So often now we have everyone being politically correct so they don’t “offend” groups of people. I understand that some PC is needed; however it really gets out of hand for some things.

A perfect example, in my humble opinion, is the “genderless” toy aisles at Target. No more pink and blue to” jump” out at you as to make you go to one aisle or the other. Now you just wander up and down the aisles looking for that certain toy. I do wonder if they are going to just put a bland background as I still see all the pink Barbie stuff and the My Little Pony sets aren’t exactly oozing with “gender neutral” colors. Neither are the Ninja Turtles or Jurassic World toys. I have to wonder does it really matter?

My son who is 5 and very much a boy will sometimes, when I let him in the toy department, cruise up and down all of the isles of toys as he wants to see what there is. He often stops at the Doc McStuffins section as he loves the show and I have no problem with him imagining being a vet or doctor. It does not matter to me that Doc McStuffins is a girl or that the majority of the toys are pink and it doesn’t matter to him either. We look at everything including the little kid toys. We talk about what he likes and what you

We wander down most of the aisles when I allow him to go into that department. Seriously, when we go to a super Target or if I have to go to Walmart instead of the local grocer, there is no going to check out the toy department unless there is extra time, and there is an agreement sealed in blood that he will not ask for Anything. Period, nothing, nada.

Life is challenging enough and he has to learn you don’t get a treat just for going into a store that sells toys. I don’t get a treat for going to get the basics.

Not to say we don’t have fun or I don’t give him a “treat”,

Here, hold your go-gurt and be happy! Oh look, the good string cheese! You can totally hold that whilst we cruise the store to get the things we need.

We have wants and we have needs.

We do not need a toy. We need milk and cheese. Sometimes we need ice cream so we have that stocked too. It doesn’t mean that he gets ice cream all the time either, or popcorn. Yes we have it if needed, sometimes as a dessert and sometimes just because we want it.

Maybe I see things differently now because of him. I have always tried to be aware of how others are and be considerate of others without leaving out who I am. I admit I now tone myself down a bit. Just a tish, but not too much.

He watches me and studies how I react and view things. It’s kind of freaky and I am still in shock they just let me take him home after I had him. “Here you go! Have fun with him and try not to screw him up too bad!” No manual or instructions. It isn’t easy but it’s worth every second.

I guess that’s why teaching him empathy and compassion are top priority for me. Along with a dash of sarcasm and how to handle it when life isn’t as fabulous as we would like it to be. And always about love. No matter what.

As far as being PC, we will just have to see what the situation is.

And for me, I am always keeping hope alive!