I write…

I have been writing since I was 3. I was around 5 when I started writing in journals, so for about 40 years I have been writing down my feelings. Even when my feelings consisted of getting Barbie’s dream house and flying a rocket ship while being a veterinarian. What?! I had big dreams. I may not have gotten the Barbie dream home, rocket ship or become a vet, however, I have never stopped writing. I have written some pretty crazy things… short stories, love notes, articles, poems, letters, papers. I still have journals from when I was a child.

People ask me what I was thinking about or if I was talking about so & so. Sometimes I have a specific subject in mind but other times I pull from so many sources – mine, friends, family and those that I have heard or read about.

Since starting my blog it has proven to be a challenge to write daily. Add to it when I write on a personal level or say something and some people thinks it’s about them, someone else or that something is “wrong”.

It can get quite irritating to get the “I know this was about me” or “Why would you write about that? It’s too personal.”

I write so much from my soul. I can write about almost anything. I can’t Not write. Now that I have my blog it gives me an avenue to let it out. Sometimes I think if I don’t get it out, then I will blow up or lose my mind even further!

There are times I feel that no matter what I write, I will get some sort of negative feedback. I am realizing I can’t please everyone. I can’t even come close to trying. This, I am learning, is where I stop apologizing and keep writing how I feel.

For the most part, I write after I hear, experience, or learn about things. Sometimes, though, I write during an experience to get through it. I may use it in my blogs. I do have pieces that may or may not get posted and others that I wrote to keep my sanity. Those pieces may never be read by anyone but I had to write them in order to get past something or get my feelings out.

I have been asked why I don’t just publish or post certain pieces. Just because I write and have a blog doesn’t mean I share every part of who I am and every thought that goes through my head. Honestly I think I would be committed if every thought, every word I wrote was put out there to be read and scrutinized and picked apart. I could use a few days at a spa, one with padded cells in not what I am going for!

Everyone has their own way of dealing with things and mine happens to be writing. Just because I put it in my journal doesn’t mean I wrote it for everyone. My journals are mine. They are private. Everyone who knows me knows that. It isn’t for anyone but me. I get so much out of going back and re-reading how I was thinking or feeling in my life. It’s like I downloaded my thoughts and emotions and I can go back and remember exactly how I felt. I may share a part of it, but for anyone to go open my journal and read it would be like me walking into someone’s home and going through their things without permission. I have seriously flipped on the 2 occasions it’s happened in my life.

Even the boy knows those are off limits. It wasn’t even something he went back to and asked again. I told him once, “No, those are mommy’s and you are welcome to have your own journal or diary to write your feelings in. I promise I won’t read it.” Of course he’s 5 and he shows me every little thing so it isn’t private for him. Oh if only it would stay that way! But he has not yet asked again if he could look at them or write in them.

I guess I write because it’s such a part of me. I write because I feel compelled to do so. I write to share, entertain and try to keep a bit of myself sane.

I write and I keep hope alive. Always.


Ramblings on a Tuesday

There are times that I have so much going on inside of my mind that I get to the point I have no idea what I want to write about. Setting a deadline for oneself can be a true challenge. I know I am harder on me than most people are, but I can’t help it. I am working on that!

Writing is such as release, such freedom and it helps me from the inside out. It is also a beast to have words, stories, poems and thoughts in one’s head and not be able to convey or articulate what one is feeling.

We can go through so many emotions in a short span of time. Elation, embarrassment, anger, love, hurt, depression, joy and shock. Just a few of the emotions that can be experienced on any given day all within hours, or even minutes.

You thrilled to be celebrating your latest achievement. You realize that your friend who is celebrating with you has had one too many celebratory drinks and is now talking you up to the local bowling club. The rude person in the other car is weaving in and out of traffic, nearly causing accidents and gets your blood boiling on the way home. You get home and find a love letter from your child but find out that a relative has left you off the guest list for a family party because you aren’t important enough. You wander to the kitchen to find your loved one picked up your favorite ice cream. As you are savoring the delicious treat the phone rings and you find out someone you love was in a fatal car accident.

Life changes in an instant. We never know what tomorrow will hold, or the next moment.

We toss out words like “love” and “hate” with no real feeling behind them. Lip service to appease.

I know my “I love you” is sincere, but I question others. Not the ones that I know love me, but those who say it to try to get on my good side or get something from me. I got my BS detector ages ago and I know how to use it!

It may just be me, but it seems the “love thy neighbor as you love thyself” is forgotten because you don’t even know your neighbor. You just judge them because they were loud last weekend when you were supposed to get to sleep in but they had a birthday party for their kid and it got a bit rowdy. Did you even go by and say hello, offer to help or do you just assume that they are bad people because of one incident?

I was convinced one of my neighbors had unruly children. I could hear them in the yard with their loud talking, trash talk and bashing of others. Then I heard them at it again, except this time, mama must have come home early. Because then I hear her, voiced raised, “We live in a nice neighborhood. Voices carry. You are all acting as if you were raised in the wild. You were not taught this way nor will this continue.” I sit, hidden, on my porch silently cheering for the mama and feeling guilty because I was being judgmental.

Truth be told if someone heard me and my boy sometimes it could sound like we are good old rednecks acting crazy in the yard. We are acting a bit crazy as we ride bikes, draw with sidewalk chalk, play ball all while making up silly songs from opera to country making each other laugh. We aren’t exactly quite either. Voices carry.

I guess I am writing about feeling and emotions. More like rambling than writing but then that’s ok too. It’s what I do here at fabulous gracelessness. Let loose my thoughts on the world. Sometimes it makes sense, other times it doesn’t. Oftentimes I get emails or messages saying “I am so glad someone else could put into words the thoughts and emotions I have.” We are not alone. We tend to forget that too. Don’t get too proud that you end up alone.

I hope your day goes beautifully.

Remember to always, keep hope alive!



Have a Fabulously, Fantastic Saturday – Keep Hope Alive!

“Cause Saturday night’s the night I like

Saturday night’s alright, alright, alright” – Elton John, “Saturday Night’s Alright”

sat sparkle happy

I love Saturday’s and I love Elton John! So I am sharing my maotic mind on this fabulous Saturday and oftentimes I think of Sir Elton John songs randomly and feel the need to share the soundtrack of my mind! You’re welcome!

There are so many things on my mind, heart and soul. I cannot express them all here today so I figured I would just go with whatever flows forth from my fingers. After all I have a deadline to meet and technology and I are once again at odds! Story of my life!

For the first time in ages I seriously wanted to toss my smarter-than-me-phone off the porch as I was apparently breaking the damn internet trying to read articles on www.scarymommy.com – seriously! It wasn’t even on the Facebook as I have had my phone just go back to my home screen when clicking on a video or article on the app. Recently, it did this while I was reading an article on the cellphone interweb. It reminds me of a gentler black screen of death that comes up on my computer. It scares me a little when my phone does it. Because I will tell you, I have a love/hate relationship with my smarter-than-me-phone and I rely on it far more than I want to. I become too plugged in and then reliant “in a pinch” if the computer isn’t working for whatever jacked up random reason it is this month! I swear if my man wasn’t such a genius at fixing my broken things, I would have lost my mind already with the computers crapping out on me and deadlines daily! To his credit he has handled my meltdowns quite well and the boy is convinced he can fix anything! I am just thankful he tolerates me as me, even encourages *gasps* me to be myself, not who I think I need to be for anyone else. Even when I am bitchy or irrational he tolerates me. That is a lot to handle I tell you. And the fact he doesn’t even flinch when I hand over my electronic device, usually a computer, and say “Please again” because I just can’t deal with it. Again. And fixes it. I am certain he does some kind of voodoo magic on it for it to work again for me.

I swear I have too much electromagnetics or some form of alien life form in my body! I cannot wear a watch, electronics fail after a period of time around me and not from abuse that I cause or viruses I “accidentally downloaded” (I learned how to avoid that a while ago but sometimes it happens). Now the smarter-than-me-phone is acting all jacked up.

Of course my mind fills up with topics to write while I can’t get onto a computer and just start writing drafts. And my hands have started this lovely cramping thing when I write, like old school write, with my hands. So I start to go a bit stir crazy in my head until I remember I can write down portions in my notebooks and get it out so I don’t completely loose it!

pen to paper image

Oh yes, yes my fabulous friends, Fabulously Gracelessness, a.k.a. Lady Maos is one stop shy of bat-shit crazy! I am amazed I can manage to keep it together enough to get this blog out daily! Between actually raising a child, working, writing, loved ones, having a life, chronic pain and issues, I am pretty damn proud of myself for hitting my mark and sharing my thoughts, ideas and hopes with the world daily. If I can do it on this small scale, you can do anything you want to do if you hope and believe in yourself. Because my motto is Keep Hope Alive. And I promise you, that daily mantra truly works. It gets me through more than I ever expected it to. I am pushing myself farther than I ever had in my writing and am starting to see some positive results. They are small and to some probably it wouldn’t matter but it gives me HOPE and therefore KEEPING HOPE ALIVE actually Works! Setting aside time for your dreams isn’t always easy, but then life is not always easy either. Besides I love a challenge! I have so many topics I am bound to hit the mother load of getting a big break. I believe in myself!

keepp hope alive keeps u alive

So bring on this Saturday, this Football game day and middle of the weekend!

Roll tide AL football

I hope you all have a fabulously fantastic Saturday and Keep Hope Alive!


Beginning the jigsaw of who I am

I am trying really, really hard to not censor myself in my writings. To be totally and brutally honest the fabulously graceless human that I am. To show the human side of life through my blogs. A jigsaw puzzle of who I am.

In my writings, as in my life, there are bits and pieces of me. Some are as a daughter, sister, mother, friend, niece, aunt, co-worker, volunteer, writer, lover, stranger, fighter for others, animal lover… so many different parts yet all part of a whole human. Many have seen all aspects, others only portions. And then there are those that can only speculate about who I am based on small portions of “data”. Through so many threads I am consistent in being who I am no matter the circumstances. It isn’t as hard as it once was. Maybe it’s age or becoming a parent but I seem to be seen consistently by people more now that I was in the past.

The “mask” of being polite and civil slips more. Oftentimes I no longer even think to put it on.

Why not let people see me for who I truly am? Why not be me?

Brad Paisley has a song “So much cooler online” or something similar. I get it sort of. I understand and relate to role playing, but becoming someone I am not or acting as if I am someone I am not doesn’t work for me.

My passions are my child, family, friends, writings, taking care of others, the outdoors, reading, knitting, listening to music, enjoying the silence, gazing at the stars, watching movies… I can list the “norm” with the rest of the folks. I also love the human psyche, nearly all things medical (either from personal experience or learning about things through others), horror movies, those considered “psycho” (Ted Bundy, Charles Manson and the like), cleaning and organizing… things a bit odder but still acceptable to a degree.

When I was younger I was considered a “rebel”. I was friends with everyone, no matter their skin color, their choice in who they dated or their social/financial status. I was taught people are people. Everyone poops. Just because you have a gold toilet or someone to wipe your butt doesn’t mean you are better than anyone else.

Part of my “rebel” status came because of that. Another part was I pushed the boundaries. I stayed up late, snuck out and did a few things that made my parents cringe including wearing my hair purple for many years.

It’s taken life and therapy to realize that I wasn’t really a rebel but just another human trying to find their place in this world. To be accepted and loved for who I am no matter what. Not for good grades, how I dress, talk, go to church, eat or how much money I have. It amazes me now how certain things play into whether you are considered a “good and/or productive” person you are. How in 2015 people still judge you on who your friends are, how much your income is and your zip code along with several other factors. I still don’t “GET” why that should matter if the person is quality and would give the shirt off their back to help others. If the person being judged doesn’t have a “job” that is considered “acceptable” yet they volunteer with seniors, children and/or animals on a regular basis but they are judged “not worthy” because of the beat up car they drive and their second hand clothes.

I personally love those moments where someone is judging someone, a stranger, (this is an actual conversation I had with a stranger) regarding their wardrobe choice, a bit threadbare but not inappropriate. The stranger says to me, “Would you look at her? She looks like she stole that outfit at a thrift store! Who could wear some stranger’s clothing?! Look at you in your nice skirt and top, you seem like a respectful young woman.” To which I replied, “It looks well worn, she may not be able to afford new clothes. You like my outfit? Thanks so much I got it at the thrift store last week on discount…$7 for the whole outfit barely worn! Of course I washed it and being a single mom and all I have to cut corners when I can! But then I thrifted before my child was born and they grow so fast!” She was backing away pretty quickly from me by this point. “You mean you are judging someone based on their clothing and we are in Target?! I usually come in here in my comfy clothes but I just got off work. It must be nice to be able to have the time to dress up every time you go out!” By this time a crowd had gathered and the lady was beet red. She stammered. “No! I wasn’t judging I just mean it I wouldn’t wear it out it doesn’t work for me. And your outfit is lovely. I have to go!” And she ran away! Be careful who you “confide” in when bashing others. I won’t go there with you. Even if they are drunk, wearing a prom dress and tiara, I would most likely say, “Girl you rock that dress we all know you can’t get many uses out of one and even on discount they ain’t cheap!” Why not pick someone up instead of tearing them down?

Like with friendships or relationships. You come to a point where you realize that you and someone are no longer compatible. You no longer can tolerate the same old jokes, same old problems and same old general bitchiness so you work to find a way to remove the negativity from your life. You hope for the best, that somewhere down the road they will find their sanity and their humanity again, but for now, you can’t be around them all the time anymore. Or maybe you can’t be around them at all. That usually hurts the most. I had a friend that she genuinely became a different person. There were several of us that hung out together but I was the “closest” so I had to step up and say basically that we weren’t going to follow her down the rabbit hole. Gone are the 3:00 AM I need help calls, you’ve used up all of those cards plus a few more. We love you and are here to help you but aren’t going to enable you anymore. She disappeared for about 6 months and resurfaced a bit worn but better for the ride. She thanked us. Other times I never hear from people again which is sad.

I give too many chances and I keep hope alive longer than I should at times. I know I have been taken advantage of because I am a “nice person”. It still baffles me that I can do everything in my power to help some people and they still say I did nothing or I am a horrible person. I say go ahead and spread your petty little lies because karma comes back around and the people who really want to know me, will find out who I really am. Then it is noted that I am not this mean and cruel person but the person who tried to make it look that way is now looking worse than how they tried to make me look.

I am by NO definition of a saint. Lord knows I have plenty of flaws and have no problem admitting them. In fact, I think it somewhat irritates people that I am that way. It’s hard to start drama when your lead player won’t follow the script!

I have rambled long enough. This should be a nice start. A place for the borders, my edges if you will.

I hope you all have a fantastic Tuesday my fabulous friends.

Always remember to keep hope alive!





Hello again my fabulous friends!


I keep thinking it’s later in the week though Tuesday is good too!

This week is the Celebration of my Boy who turned 5 yesterday which means he gets to basically party all week with friends and family. Saturday is his big party at one of those kid places where you may need to take a nerve pill or have a drink before you go… and I scheduled it for that morning because obviously there is something wrong with me! Besides the need to make sure everyone can catch their football game because me and mine love to sleep! Ah-ha no rest for the wicked! That’s it!

When I started blogging, 5 days shy of 4 months; I originally thought I would post several times a day but at least daily. We all have dreams! HA Seriously I did make a promise to myself that I would post at least once a day. Not for recognition, although that would be lovely, but because I love writing and I needed a commitment to do it for myself. No one else nor any other reason.

It isn’t always easy. I have lists and pages of topics to write on. So many things that mean something to me. There are also dates of significance and days that mean something. I seem to be sharing my life more than I thought I would. I do have friends and family that say, “don’t write about this” but also “you should write about this.” It’s is a fine line let me tell you. People thinking it’s about them or others they know, that can be good or bad depending! But it’s my thoughts, my writings, my ramblings and rants. I love it!

I love getting emails from friends, making new friends and getting “followers”, it’s so exciting to me! I am so very thankful and grateful!

That said today I am keeping it short and sweet!

Between the boy, my jobs and writings I have a bit of a full plate today. Of course I love it all!

Don’t’ forget always Keep Hope Alive!

Stay Fabulous!


Writing a blog can be a dangerous thing!

Writing a blog can be a dangerous thing.

I have always written since I was a little girl and kept a diary. I have written in journals, short stories, articles, essays, poems – you get the idea.

Oftentimes when I am writing a post I just write and don’t always think about how it is taken on the other end. I mean it is my blog and my thoughts. I try not to offend too badly.

I’ve been contacted by some people asking if I was writing about specific people or why I wrote about them because “they knew” that I was.

It isn’t about “you”. That’s why it’s called FabulousGracelessness.

Writing and maintaining a public blog is something I always wanted to do but wasn’t sure if I could.

I knew I could write. I write and get paid when I can and I write letters and poems and of course in my journal. I have been published, a small publication in the National Library of Poetry, but still published. I’ve written articles as a ghostwriter and for organizations where my name was actually listed as the author.

I have found in writing a blog I love the challenge I set for myself to write one post a day. I love stretching my mind to find things to write about and pulling from my mind, my thoughts and opinions.

I have also learned friends and family will tell me “don’t post this on your blog, it’s personal.” I completely respect that. I do. For the most part, I honor their wishes. I do end up writing about them but never names, places or any pertinent information about them.

So many of my life situations I find hysterically funny or completely fascinating and I want to share it.

But I also censor myself.

Because if I truly said everything that was on my mind, in my thoughts and heart I would be in a level of hell I do not want to venture through.

I do put a large part of my life “out there for anyone to see.”

Judge me as you will, but don’t forget the saying “Judge not lest ye be judged” and “he/she that is without sin cast the first stone.” *Please see my post “judge me” to see how I really feel!. https://fabulousgracelessness.com/2015/07/28/judge-me/

Believe me when I say I keep a lot to myself. Literally. I have my written journals and electronic writings, but if I don’t write things, I feel like I will fester up from the inside and explode. I sometimes feel I would lose my mind if I didn’t write it out.

There will always be critics and haters. There will always be those who think they know more about me than I do. Those people are amusing and also quite annoying.

There are also folks out there who genuinely enjoy my writings and ramblings and to y’all I say THANK YOU!

Thank You for allowing me to live my dream of writing and knowing others read, comment and sometimes even enjoy! If I am truly blessed, they will take something positive away or know they aren’t alone in their feelings and beliefs.

That is the best feeling of knowing that you made someone’s day a little brighter or helped a complete stranger with your words.

So I continue to write and to share.

I can’t not do it.

But know, it’s not about “you”, it’s about ME getting my thoughts and feelings Out.

Was that clear enough? If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

As for the rest of you I truly hope you enjoy getting a glimpse of this maotic (that’s mayhem and chaos all together) mind of mine!

Hence why I say, writing a blog can be a dangerous thing. Good thing I like a bit of danger!

Here’s to Keep Hope Alive and following your dreams!

Have a fantastically fabulously graceless Friday my friends!

Falling apart together

*Most of my posts are about life and my thoughts, opinions and ideas, however, every once in a while I feel the urge to write so strong and am always amazed at how it comes out in different forms… this is one of those poems I tend to churn out when I have those moments. I hope you enjoy it. FB aka Lady Mao

Sometimes it feels like you’re falling apart.

So many things, so many false starts.

The deal you thought would surely come true.

The friend you thought you truly knew.

The wish you made upon that star.

The following day a scratch on your car.

Broken promises told yet again.

Then the rare find of an old, lost friend.

Suddenly life seems to be look up.

You find yourself drinking from a silver cup.

Yet you are weary from life, not sure what’s true.

Trusting seems to be hard for you.

Your outlook on life seems so cheery,

Yet deep inside you feel bleak and bleary.

You put on a smile, don’t wear that frown.

Think positive thoughts, don’t stop to look down.

Keep moving along faster than snail pace.

You might actually get through this life race.

You find hope in the most unlikely places.

You may even find hope in the spaces.

Places you never looked at before, become a haven for treasures galore.

Hope in fellow man seems likely once more, for once it seems there isn’t a war.

At least on this avenue through your passing of life.

Hold on, stay up, don’t give into strife.

Maybe I’ll see you while you’re passing though.

You’ll know then it’s not only you.

We all fall apart but can come back together.

Though this mortal coil may be light as a feather.

Please never give up, don’t forget who you are.

A beautiful human who wishes on stars.

The weekend is here!

I may be just a tad bit happy that the weekend is finally here.

It’s been a long week my graceless friends!

I am sure so many have gone through hardships, pain and loss and I am hoping this weekend brings some bit of happiness to you all.

Just 2 short weeks ago I was in Hoppe Valley with my family and friends at the annual pig roast.


It was an amazing amount fellowship, friends, fireworks and fun!

It seems like so long ago yet it was not! Ever noticed how you anticipate for months and months for something and then it happens and you are drunk on the bliss of being in the moment? Then it seems it is over in a flash. You are down like a kid after a tour in Willy Wonka’s factory the sugar high and rush has worn off and you are back in your hovel doing the day in and day out.

There you are counting down the days until next year and planning what you can do to make things even better though it will be hard to top this year!

This weekend I am celebrating with a different group of friends and one of my good friends turns the BIG 50! Happy Birthday CB!!!

I think we need a trip to a cabin in the hills again but will settle for dinner with this fine group of friends! I came across photos recently of me and my friend on that trip and how much we have changed in 10 years!

tb 10 yrs

You never think of yourself as old until it starts happening. Of course I am still young in my mind! Always!

So with those lovely chaotic thoughts I bid you a fine farewell and wish you a fantastically fabulous Saturday!

In fabulous gracelessness,

Lady Maos

It is a fabulous Friday!

It truly is a fabulous Friday!

It seems that on my “new” computer hard drive, the one that gave the me black screen of death, that the contents are “recoverable”. Photos, videos, writings, things precious and dear to me are not lost!

Ohmergod! This is miraculous news to me!

I was seriously thinking of titling this post “Held Hostage by Technology” because it has been a truly challenging few weeks for this tech-me-not chic!

My main “new” computer gave me the black screen of death, however my “old” computer was brought back to life, albeit a bit slower but still Alive!

Then we started having issues with the internet in our home.

Thinking it was the router, we purchased a new router, well mom did, and I thought “no problem I can just install this, write and be on my merry way.” WRONG! I did learn the one of the reasons was due to our internet carrier and the modem. I thought I could plug in a few cords and make it work, easy peasy. Unless that jerk Murphy is involved and then I have the urge to break all the technology into tiny pieces and run over it back and forth and toss it out on I-85…but I digress!

I spent nearly 4 hours going back and forth trying to repair it, with help of course because this went well beyond my knowledge and technical abilities. A huge shout out to my friend who rode to my virtual rescue and will be going by the house to fix that for us! Along with the recovery of both the new and old computers… You, sir, rock!

Yes, that means that I could not make it work!

If I have no computer, no internet I cannot write for FabulousGracelessness nor do any other writing for that matter.

I have no problem writing with pen and paper and do so often, but mama needs money and has deadlines to meet so I needed both computer and internet.

I am able to use my iPhone as a hot spot, and I feel so cool saying I know how to do that ‘cause it wasn’t as simple as I thought at first. Now it is second nature if I don’t have internet service. I cannot go without my computer for my writing.

I cannot see me writing articles from my iPhone and iPad. I am too OCD and just no. I don’t even need to go there in the madness of my mind!

So I am now working on my old laptop, with internet and sending out this crazed article which is why I can truly say it is a Fabulous Friday!

Because I am still connected and not held hostage by the damn technology I have become so reliant on!

I think I need to stock up on my articles for a minute so I can unplug!

Oh such pretty little words that seem so simple yet will call another panic in my mind for deadlines. The joys of life!

This is such a part of my life, my writing this blog. It helps me release all the thoughts in my head and shakes the cobwebs from my soul.

I have found sometimes I have to write things but I can’t, for personal reason, just put it out there on the internet to share with everyone.

Usually that comes out in my handwritten journals, but lately I’ve found myself unloading apparent hostility I had held in and it’s flowing out in volumes onto my keyboard.

Those are kept under lock and key in the “private” section of my writings!

As I am growing I am branching out in how I “get it out” of my system. I am just happy I have encouraged and allowed myself to write it on a computer.

I don’t trust technology if you didn’t catch that above! However, it is so much easier on my hands, at times, to type rather that to write. It’s cool and frustrating to me.

But now I have this terabyte thingy that can’t get sick, and I can save all my musings, photos and anything else there. It’s got tons of space that they say even I can’t fill up! We will see about that!

So as I end this fabulous Friday ramble I wish you all the happiness and hope for a Fabulously Graceless weekend!



Have you ever had these problems with technology? The rage of feeling you were bettered by a device made with plastic, nickel and metal and a few other things?! The urge to destroy them?!

Let me know how you handled it!

Missing my boy

I hate this emptiness.

My boy goes to his dad’s for a few days every other week.

You’d think I would be used to it after 2 years but I’m not.

I am already dreading his 2 weekends in a row away from me.

God knows I do need a break.

I know he will have fun.

I can’t help but worry.

It isn’t like we didn’t try to make it work.

We went to couples therapy before we even got married, however in hindsight, I realize we shouldn’t have married just because I got knocked up.

But it was a miracle I was able to have a child, our families felt it was right and we had been best friends for so long.

I was in a whirlwind of shock.

I tried so hard and I know he did too.

But if we are honest, it wasn’t the best idea.

And a treasured friendship was shattered.

But we got a beautiful, smart, willful, amazing child from it.

So I work on the “co-parenting” thing.

But my arms ache for my little mini me in male form.

And I breathe.

Because I can’t do anything else.

I write for him too so that one day he knows how much it hurt me to let him go but that I had to.

I know he will understand.

He just came to me, put his little arms around my neck, and said, “Mommy, I know you’re working but I just had to tell you I love you and you’re the bestest mommy I ever had.”

How could I not miss that?!

I have written how much it meant to me to be his mommy. How I never thought I would be a mommy. How happy I am he chose me to be his mommy “this time” as he puts it.

His journals from his mommy.

Stories and poems of my life before him, my thoughts and dreams and how he was a part of my dreams.

Later I will be mom or even mother, but for now I am mommy.

When he is not with me I miss him more than I ever knew was possible.

I love this child with a feral intensity that I didn’t know I was capable of.

I’m thankful he has family on both sides that love him and want to be with him.

I know how precious that is.

I know I want only the best for him but I can’t do everything.

I know I make mistakes and that I am far from perfect.

I know I can’t control how everything plays out.

I know I will never stop loving him no matter what he chooses.

I know I will never stop fighting for him and being his strongest supporter.

I know I will never stop teaching him how to be a better human being.

I know I will never stop disciplining him, even when he’s 30 because I know I will always be his mama. No matter where I am.

So now I will write in his journal and look at pictures of this beautiful creature I created and be thankful I have him for the time I am given.

Because I am thankful I have him at all.

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