Beginning the jigsaw of who I am

I am trying really, really hard to not censor myself in my writings. To be totally and brutally honest the fabulously graceless human that I am. To show the human side of life through my blogs. A jigsaw puzzle of who I am.

In my writings, as in my life, there are bits and pieces of me. Some are as a daughter, sister, mother, friend, niece, aunt, co-worker, volunteer, writer, lover, stranger, fighter for others, animal lover… so many different parts yet all part of a whole human. Many have seen all aspects, others only portions. And then there are those that can only speculate about who I am based on small portions of “data”. Through so many threads I am consistent in being who I am no matter the circumstances. It isn’t as hard as it once was. Maybe it’s age or becoming a parent but I seem to be seen consistently by people more now that I was in the past.

The “mask” of being polite and civil slips more. Oftentimes I no longer even think to put it on.

Why not let people see me for who I truly am? Why not be me?

Brad Paisley has a song “So much cooler online” or something similar. I get it sort of. I understand and relate to role playing, but becoming someone I am not or acting as if I am someone I am not doesn’t work for me.

My passions are my child, family, friends, writings, taking care of others, the outdoors, reading, knitting, listening to music, enjoying the silence, gazing at the stars, watching movies… I can list the “norm” with the rest of the folks. I also love the human psyche, nearly all things medical (either from personal experience or learning about things through others), horror movies, those considered “psycho” (Ted Bundy, Charles Manson and the like), cleaning and organizing… things a bit odder but still acceptable to a degree.

When I was younger I was considered a “rebel”. I was friends with everyone, no matter their skin color, their choice in who they dated or their social/financial status. I was taught people are people. Everyone poops. Just because you have a gold toilet or someone to wipe your butt doesn’t mean you are better than anyone else.

Part of my “rebel” status came because of that. Another part was I pushed the boundaries. I stayed up late, snuck out and did a few things that made my parents cringe including wearing my hair purple for many years.

It’s taken life and therapy to realize that I wasn’t really a rebel but just another human trying to find their place in this world. To be accepted and loved for who I am no matter what. Not for good grades, how I dress, talk, go to church, eat or how much money I have. It amazes me now how certain things play into whether you are considered a “good and/or productive” person you are. How in 2015 people still judge you on who your friends are, how much your income is and your zip code along with several other factors. I still don’t “GET” why that should matter if the person is quality and would give the shirt off their back to help others. If the person being judged doesn’t have a “job” that is considered “acceptable” yet they volunteer with seniors, children and/or animals on a regular basis but they are judged “not worthy” because of the beat up car they drive and their second hand clothes.

I personally love those moments where someone is judging someone, a stranger, (this is an actual conversation I had with a stranger) regarding their wardrobe choice, a bit threadbare but not inappropriate. The stranger says to me, “Would you look at her? She looks like she stole that outfit at a thrift store! Who could wear some stranger’s clothing?! Look at you in your nice skirt and top, you seem like a respectful young woman.” To which I replied, “It looks well worn, she may not be able to afford new clothes. You like my outfit? Thanks so much I got it at the thrift store last week on discount…$7 for the whole outfit barely worn! Of course I washed it and being a single mom and all I have to cut corners when I can! But then I thrifted before my child was born and they grow so fast!” She was backing away pretty quickly from me by this point. “You mean you are judging someone based on their clothing and we are in Target?! I usually come in here in my comfy clothes but I just got off work. It must be nice to be able to have the time to dress up every time you go out!” By this time a crowd had gathered and the lady was beet red. She stammered. “No! I wasn’t judging I just mean it I wouldn’t wear it out it doesn’t work for me. And your outfit is lovely. I have to go!” And she ran away! Be careful who you “confide” in when bashing others. I won’t go there with you. Even if they are drunk, wearing a prom dress and tiara, I would most likely say, “Girl you rock that dress we all know you can’t get many uses out of one and even on discount they ain’t cheap!” Why not pick someone up instead of tearing them down?

Like with friendships or relationships. You come to a point where you realize that you and someone are no longer compatible. You no longer can tolerate the same old jokes, same old problems and same old general bitchiness so you work to find a way to remove the negativity from your life. You hope for the best, that somewhere down the road they will find their sanity and their humanity again, but for now, you can’t be around them all the time anymore. Or maybe you can’t be around them at all. That usually hurts the most. I had a friend that she genuinely became a different person. There were several of us that hung out together but I was the “closest” so I had to step up and say basically that we weren’t going to follow her down the rabbit hole. Gone are the 3:00 AM I need help calls, you’ve used up all of those cards plus a few more. We love you and are here to help you but aren’t going to enable you anymore. She disappeared for about 6 months and resurfaced a bit worn but better for the ride. She thanked us. Other times I never hear from people again which is sad.

I give too many chances and I keep hope alive longer than I should at times. I know I have been taken advantage of because I am a “nice person”. It still baffles me that I can do everything in my power to help some people and they still say I did nothing or I am a horrible person. I say go ahead and spread your petty little lies because karma comes back around and the people who really want to know me, will find out who I really am. Then it is noted that I am not this mean and cruel person but the person who tried to make it look that way is now looking worse than how they tried to make me look.

I am by NO definition of a saint. Lord knows I have plenty of flaws and have no problem admitting them. In fact, I think it somewhat irritates people that I am that way. It’s hard to start drama when your lead player won’t follow the script!

I have rambled long enough. This should be a nice start. A place for the borders, my edges if you will.

I hope you all have a fantastic Tuesday my fabulous friends.

Always remember to keep hope alive!

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Beginning the jigsaw of who I am

  1. Thank you for taking up for the lady in Target. I would have and actually have done the same thing, and would you believe lost friends over it. They claimed I acted uncivilized in public; not once did I raise my voice above normal conversation range, nor did I curse, or belittle the person I was defending against. Only thing different was I was defending a little old lady who looked (key word “looked”) like she more money than the Catholic church, and I make under 20k a year. The elderly woman was paying for something that cost $10 with change. The woman behind me stated ” She looks like she could pull out a $100 to pay for that, that’s probably how she got all her money, being cheap like that, wasting our time after we have stood on our feet all day”. That’s when I turned around…..

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  2. That lady was my mother. She had saved for months for that outfit and caught it on sale at Belk’s and because my mother is sick, it makes her feel good to look nice when she goes out, she doesn’t want to “look” sick, and people say…” oh, look at that lady…bless her heart”. Think before you judge, think before you speak. That goes for me as well.

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    1. Didn’t matter if it was my mother or not, still would have done the same thing. I have made cashiers cry because one little old lady was a dime short on the total of her order and the cashier was going to void out the entire order of milk, bread, flour, sugar and some bananas. I’ve been a cashier, I’ve cashed it out , let them have have their order and then if I didn’t have any change in my pocket, found enough pennies laying around where people just toss the on the ground because they don’t want to deal with pennies. and I have taken money out of my own pocket to help people who were sincere and did not habitually do it at our store or an elderly person, and actually been written up for it, and no I did not sign the paper writing me, more like shredded it You do not treat people that way and to me it is indifference is just as much as a sin as as judging others when you don’t their situation.. You do not judge other people and make remarks like that, so what if the girl didn’t havea little more threadthing as some thought she thought, how did that in any way affect that whole bitty? and you are as hell do not mistreat an elderly person, no where they come from! It’s wrong. period. I am by no means perfect, but I don’t recall applying for the job of “judge”. I am many things, but many things I am not. and who and what I am, I will have to answer for, no one else but me.

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  3. Lady Maos, if you have ever remembered one word or words i have ever said to you remember this; you get ONE life and it is not a practice run. A lot of times we think we have all the time in the world to do this and do that, and volunteer with this or with that, and suddenly time has passed. You no longer have all the time in the world to do all the things, hobbies, long ago forgotten dreams, places you want to see, people you want to see, pick up the phone to call or text someone, because even that time that has slowly slipped away is gone, and so are the chance to be who you truly are, to be YOU and only you and to live life on your terms, gone are the days when you wish you could pick up the phone and text”Mernin”, or all the I love you’s and I believe in yous. Those days and times are long past, and regrets are the hardest things to swallow, but even harder to swallow is understanding why people do the things they do to protect the ones they love the most from more pain and hurt that they shouldn’t have to go through. Those people may never understand why, you just have to have faith in them, believe in them and know they wouldglady offer up their own life for yours, no matter what they might say or do in the end. You just have to trust and have faith.

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