Thankful for today


Today is one of those days I am just thankful to see another day. Even if I feel exhausted and over whelmed by all of my responsibilities and lack of time, I am grateful to wake up. Even if I move slowly, I am thankful.

I am blessed for every “I love you mommy.” 

I love every kiss and hug he gives me.

I cherish every second of time with my boy even when I can relate to how some species can eat their young.

He makes my life my life so much richer.

He is the best contribution to the planet I can ever make.

The way he thinks and feels leaves me in awe.

I also worry for him.

I worry about things out of my control and things I screw up doing as a parent.

I worry about how things affect him and whether or not I am doing too much or not doing enough.

I worry about him when he isn’t with me.

I worry about him when he is hurt by others and their words.

I know there are lessons I am to teach and lessons I am to be here for him when life hurts him and I can’t control it.

Today I am thankful I woke to his sweet face.

My little miracle boy.

Today I keep hope alive for time with him. It is so precious and goes so fast.

On days when I feel like things are moving too fast, I pause and think about the best thing in my life. Then I smile.

I hope you all have a fabulous day!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

I can breathe again, my miracle is with me


My heart is home. I feel so much lighter. I can breathe better. He is a part of me and I am a part of him. A bond that nothing can break. A love that goes beyond anything I have ever imagined and cannot put into words.

It’s so hard to “share” a child. Sometimes life throws you curves you just didn’t even see coming when a miracle happens.

I prayed for so many years to have a child.

After a while, I didn’t care how it happened I just knew I was supposed to be a mommy.

I saw and dreamed of a child. I seriously thought I was crazy at times. The child from my visions had blonde hair and blue eyes. Their coloring didn’t match mine but it is what I saw. I prayed.

Years went by. I researched ways to become a mommy through all kinds of avenues. There are tons of options but most of them cost more than I could afford. It didn’t help my body decided to play some sort of twisted game of let’s mess with her hormones, her baby making parts and her mind. 8 surgeries, not necessarily to get pregnant but to at least clear a path and relieve me of discomfort.

Then it finally happened. In a very old fashioned, unplanned and completely unexpected way.

God, the universe and my GrandMaMa have a heck of a sense of humor. On my 39th birthday, 6 years ago, I Prayed. I asked that I please be given some sort of sign if this child of my visions and dreams was to come from me.

A month later, I was pregnant. I was also terrified. My situation wasn’t exactly ideal; however, I knew that this was my sign. If this was meant to be, then this was the ride I was taking.

It hasn’t been easy. There has been pain, loss and heartache along the way. I’ve lost people in my life both because of the relationship that his father and I don’t have as well as people who are no longer on this ride with me. Like my grandparents and my Daddy.

Hand to God my boy is The Absolute Best thing that I have contributed to the universe as a whole. It’s like everything else was a prelude to this beautiful creature that lived inside me like an alien for 38 weeks. This child that I am responsible for, that I would do anything for… I am responsible for teaching him, nurturing him and loving him unconditionally. There is so much it overwhelms me. It brings me to my knees.

I am so far from perfect. I make mistakes. Usually huge big ones that end poorly. You can fill in the cracks of those with the many little ones I make far too often.

I also know how to love unconditionally. I still know how to be a kid. I am learning how to walk that line of parent and friend. Sometimes I have to be more parent because of our situation, but I know he loves me unconditionally and he wants to understand why things are the way they are.

He is still so innocent yet understands far more about life and death and how some people can be so kind and others so cruel. He is just 5 years old, yet he has seen far more of death that many adults. All up in his little face and he teaches others of eternal love. He does not forget.

He is so much like me and so much his own self.

I want to do so much more for him and I also want him to learn to do so much more for others.

I love that he gives his all and loves so big. He still snuggles.

I know life can change in an instant.

I know that there isn’t a day, hours, minutes that goes by that I don’t think of him and my heart swells more than I thought was possible.

I know I have no idea how much time any of us have. But I do know, that I am so blessed beyond measure that that boy chose me to be his mommy.

I know that miracles happen, prayers are answered and no matter what, I do everything in my power to keep him along the loving, happy paths he will take. I will follow him into the woods to get him back on a peaceful path for as long as I am able. After I am gone, he will always know he has me on his side. After all, he is a part of me. And I am a part of him.

Keep Hope Alive.

Hope brought me a miracle. You could say he’s my Christmas miracle. Believe. Never, ever, ever give up!

He grows so fast


As he sleeps I watch him.

He has grown so much. It seems I see changes in him daily.

Where has my baby gone?

He still snuggles and loves his mama, but he is getting so big.

I know all children grow up.

I know my son will grow up. He will start to not need me as much. I understand it is the way of life.

I want him to grow up. I want him to be healthy and happy.

I have no expectations that I place on him other than to be kind to others and true to himself. To love completely, to be honest, to be compassionate. I do my best as he is the greatest gift I have ever been given and my greatest contribution to this world.

Those responsibilities are awesome.

I want to freeze time. He is my only baby and I could never imagine not having him in my life now that he’s here. Even when I am, now repeating, things I never thought I would hear myself say, I can’t imagine not having him. “You have to wear clothes at the table, including pants.” It is now hard to not grin when I say it. I get it little man. Being naked is fun but you’re 5 now and it’s ok at home, with no company sometimes, but you know you have to wear clothes to the table!

He is truly a miracle. I was told I couldn’t have children or that it would be a “miracle” if I conceived without treatments. Needless to say he is a miracle.

At one of my baby showers, my cake said “Better you than me!” and I completely understood. After all I was 39, my friend, my same age, had a 14-year-old at the time. But we all knew this child was a miracle. And the universe has a sense of humor!

The Boy sighs and turns over. Like he knows I am here he stretches out his little arm and I hold his hand. He smiles in his sleep. I whisper, “Mommy loves you always, no matter what.” He smiles and murmurs.

This is beautiful. This is paradise.

No matter what else is going on in my life or the world, the moments like this make every crappy day, all the painful moments, everything that that may be bad in the world, completely fade out and all that I feel is this overwhelming love.

He no longer looks so baby-ish and it seems his arms and legs grew longer in just the past 24 hours.

But watching him sleep, I see him as I saw him 5 years ago. My tiny baby miracle boy.

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I am so glad he chose me to be his mommy.

Have a wonderful day and keep hope alive!

Happy 5th Birthday to My Boy!


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Happy Birthday to My Boy!

I can’t believe it’s now been 5 years!

You’ve grown so much and I am so proud of you.

You’ve had to deal with life situations most adults can’t handle and you have done it well and grown from it and are better on your life path for it.

One of your favorite things to do is cuddle with me and say, “I chose you and you chose me, I chose you and you chose me” because you chose me to be you mama and I prayed to be your mama.

I cannot even begin to describe how amazing it was to find out I was going to be your mama after being told I couldn’t have children.

I can never express the love I have for you and everything I do and will do for you.

You are an amazing young boy and I love watching you grow and become the awesome human you will be one day.

You are my angel, my miracle, my tater tot and dream come true!

Happy Birthday to the Love of my Life!

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I hope everyone has a fabulously graceless Monday!

Always Keep Hope Alive!

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Missing my boy


I hate this emptiness.

My boy goes to his dad’s for a few days every other week.

You’d think I would be used to it after 2 years but I’m not.

I am already dreading his 2 weekends in a row away from me.

God knows I do need a break.

I know he will have fun.

I can’t help but worry.

It isn’t like we didn’t try to make it work.

We went to couples therapy before we even got married, however in hindsight, I realize we shouldn’t have married just because I got knocked up.

But it was a miracle I was able to have a child, our families felt it was right and we had been best friends for so long.

I was in a whirlwind of shock.

I tried so hard and I know he did too.

But if we are honest, it wasn’t the best idea.

And a treasured friendship was shattered.

But we got a beautiful, smart, willful, amazing child from it.

So I work on the “co-parenting” thing.

But my arms ache for my little mini me in male form.

And I breathe.

Because I can’t do anything else.

I write for him too so that one day he knows how much it hurt me to let him go but that I had to.

I know he will understand.

He just came to me, put his little arms around my neck, and said, “Mommy, I know you’re working but I just had to tell you I love you and you’re the bestest mommy I ever had.”

How could I not miss that?!

I have written how much it meant to me to be his mommy. How I never thought I would be a mommy. How happy I am he chose me to be his mommy “this time” as he puts it.

His journals from his mommy.

Stories and poems of my life before him, my thoughts and dreams and how he was a part of my dreams.

Later I will be mom or even mother, but for now I am mommy.

When he is not with me I miss him more than I ever knew was possible.

I love this child with a feral intensity that I didn’t know I was capable of.

I’m thankful he has family on both sides that love him and want to be with him.

I know how precious that is.

I know I want only the best for him but I can’t do everything.

I know I make mistakes and that I am far from perfect.

I know I can’t control how everything plays out.

I know I will never stop loving him no matter what he chooses.

I know I will never stop fighting for him and being his strongest supporter.

I know I will never stop teaching him how to be a better human being.

I know I will never stop disciplining him, even when he’s 30 because I know I will always be his mama. No matter where I am.

So now I will write in his journal and look at pictures of this beautiful creature I created and be thankful I have him for the time I am given.

Because I am thankful I have him at all.

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