As he sleeps I watch him.

He has grown so much. It seems I see changes in him daily.

Where has my baby gone?

He still snuggles and loves his mama, but he is getting so big.

I know all children grow up.

I know my son will grow up. He will start to not need me as much. I understand it is the way of life.

I want him to grow up. I want him to be healthy and happy.

I have no expectations that I place on him other than to be kind to others and true to himself. To love completely, to be honest, to be compassionate. I do my best as he is the greatest gift I have ever been given and my greatest contribution to this world.

Those responsibilities are awesome.

I want to freeze time. He is my only baby and I could never imagine not having him in my life now that he’s here. Even when I am, now repeating, things I never thought I would hear myself say, I can’t imagine not having him. “You have to wear clothes at the table, including pants.” It is now hard to not grin when I say it. I get it little man. Being naked is fun but you’re 5 now and it’s ok at home, with no company sometimes, but you know you have to wear clothes to the table!

He is truly a miracle. I was told I couldn’t have children or that it would be a “miracle” if I conceived without treatments. Needless to say he is a miracle.

At one of my baby showers, my cake said “Better you than me!” and I completely understood. After all I was 39, my friend, my same age, had a 14-year-old at the time. But we all knew this child was a miracle. And the universe has a sense of humor!

The Boy sighs and turns over. Like he knows I am here he stretches out his little arm and I hold his hand. He smiles in his sleep. I whisper, “Mommy loves you always, no matter what.” He smiles and murmurs.

This is beautiful. This is paradise.

No matter what else is going on in my life or the world, the moments like this make every crappy day, all the painful moments, everything that that may be bad in the world, completely fade out and all that I feel is this overwhelming love.

He no longer looks so baby-ish and it seems his arms and legs grew longer in just the past 24 hours.

But watching him sleep, I see him as I saw him 5 years ago. My tiny baby miracle boy.

I am so glad he chose me to be his mommy.

Have a wonderful day and keep hope alive!