May you have hope, kindness, passion and peace in your day


grace n truth

May your day be filled with hope, and may you actually see the actualization of those hopes fulfilled.

May there be a kindness and compassion in your heart and those around you.

May there be patience and a peace within your soul as you venture out into the humanity.

I send out the hope, kindness, patience and peace prayer into the universe and pray it stretches beyond this universe.

I hope it is felt by all.

I am thankful to be alive.

I know I am completely flawed and that I am doing all that I can to find hope, peace, patience and kindness within myself so that I may attempt to be a better human. The struggle is real. Life is always a challenge but it’s how we choose to handle it. I haven’t handled a lot of things well lately. I am working on changing that.

So my prose of hope is one for everyone that is reading this and also for myself and all of those that I love.

Keep Hope Alive!

Have a fabulous day!

 

 

 

Thoughts, beauty and humanity


See the beauty of the sky

Taste the whisper of the lie

Smile upon the innocent child

Keep them safe, the meek and mild

Hold them close

Those you love dear

For life changes

With each passing year

Believe in yourself

And each other

For you see

We are all sisters and brothers

Human beings

We are as one

Shining brightly

Like the sun

 

Those moments


Those moments you wish everything would slow down, yeah those got to me.

I felt I was running 100 miles an hours and I couldn’t stop, couldn’t, wouldn’t slow down.

It seemed all of a sudden, that moment, where I had a few moments to myself in the first time in what seemed forever.

I had such a moment of clarity.

I could see in every direction where the fractions of my life met up as a whole.

I could see every nuance of the air around me as I reflected on my life stretching out in so many directions.

Like ripples from the center they blow out into the wide world.

I can see myself running around, zooming from part to part trying to keep everything under control.

I can see me finally understand that I truly have no control.

I can see underneath and to the top and sides and all the cracks that are in between and I see where changes need to be made, things need to be corrected and I just need to rest.

I need to let my mind and soul heal.

If only for a moment but the healing has to happen.

When your moment comes make sure to stop and take it because it passes you by so swiftly.

It is gone before you know it and you are off and running again.

Maybe you’re running a bit more blindly because you didn’t just stop for the moment when you should have.

Maybe in those moments you will find hope.

Monday’s comin’ for you


move it monday

One, two, Monday’s coming for you…. well actually it’s here whether you are ready for it or not!

On weekends that the boy is with his other family I am usually on call for work. When I first started working being on call was a few calls here and there, but it wasn’t stressful. However, a few months in, more clients and caregivers on staff, it is like a circus.

It also seems like things in my personal bubble can really flair up.

I learned I can still be shocked every once in a while too. That’s good to know.

There will definitely be more detailed posts on the shock factors coming soon. Between people who don’t follow through on their commitments, seeing other’s family dynamics and the consequences of their actions, and someone from my youth thinking they have some sort of power and manipulation over me, I have been surprised today.

I am also going into this week on a lack of rest so that is a guarantee that today will be quite entertaining. I wish you could feel the sarcasm that drips from those words!

One thing I do know is that I am stronger than some people realize. I may be shocked but I am not shaken.

I may gimp a bit but you can believe I am pushing on.

I don’t have to steal others words and use manipulation to say what I need to say. I am an original where others forget how to be. They have become sheep. They are lost in their own delusions.

prison of how others see you

I never forget I am human and fallible. I always remember to Keep Hope Alive.

We all need hope to get us through this day.

Monday, oh Monday, just watch me get through!

Raw expectations and perspective


We all have expectations of some degree or another.

Many of us want/wish things would go smoothly and according to plans. If you have been on the planet any length of time you learn that is not the way that it is.

I know that money can buy many things, even make you happy for a time… did you know you can hire someone to hold your umbrella, your place in line and even carry a child for you?

What it can’t buy is true feelings of happiness deep down in your soul.

So many times we place far too much value on material items. We place expectations of our happiness on material things or things that are so far out of our reach but we are taught to reach for the stars. We forget about the lesson of what happens when we do not get what we want.

I often see people going through the motions of happiness but they are not truly happy. Maybe they are happy in some ways but not fully at peace with who they are. They feel they need more “stuff”. Maybe it isn’t the “stuff” that they need but the intangible peace that can only come from within.

I know sometimes if I get too comfortable in my own skin it becomes uncomfortable and I search for ways to stretch my creativity and my mind. I need more, but it isn’t always about material gain. If that is a by-product of the changes I choose then I consider that a bonus. I obviously have to maintain a certain criteria in order to take care of myself and the boy.

I know that there are so many times I feel that I fail to meet the expectations of others. As well as the expectations I set for myself. I feel like I can be too stubborn, too strict, too hard, too blunt, too much of all the things I should ease up on. Then I argue with myself on if not me, who will? It can become a quiet hell in my mind. On the outside, I actually appear sane and having it together. Inside it is like Armageddon and the end of the world as I know it.

The need to do good and what is right is never in question. It’s the road to getting there that can get narrow and long. It’s going about it my way when others have their perceptions of how I should be doing it. Not that there is always something wrong with their way or that I can’t see the benefits and may even incorporate all or some of their suggestions. It is when I chose what I feel is best for me and mine and I am chastised like a child or someone tries to put me down because “they know what’s best”. Maybe they do know what’s best, but I can guarantee that that don’t know what is best for me.

One of my favorite lines is “finding my way lost.” I heard the term and wrote on the line into my poems over 20 years ago. It still resonates within me all these many years later. When I first wrote on it I was in my early 20’s. I had certain perceptions of how life “should” be and how I could make it into how I thought I wanted it to work. I was so far off the mark as to how things should be and what paths I needed to take to get there. However, in taking that detour in my life, it broadened my perspective of not only me, but the wider world.

Sometimes life moves so very fast, it’s like it goes in slow motion for a short while and it is back on the train to crazy town. Your dreams either happen, change forms, or are tweaked to reflect your inner changes. Sometimes you aren’t able to achieve certain dreams. You can let that define how you go forward by wallowing in your own self-pity (been there). Try moving forward in a new direction. I’m not necessarily sure it’s the direction you need to be going but it needs to feel right. I recommend this one over the self-pity. Not that self-pity doesn’t have its moments but that is all, for me, that it needs to be is moments. I can’t get caught up repeating the same thing over and over for years and not getting anywhere close to where I want to be.

I dreamed of a family. Not only the family I was born into, but a larger, happier, crazier family mixed with both the biological and those who chose to join me on this journey. I dreamed of children, a partner to share it with, and always, those I deem famriends – friends that are family.

My famriend family is amazing. I have those I have a DNA link to as well as the other amazing humans that I have met on this incredible journey of life. People I will have in my life in some form or another until the end of this life’s journey.

I was blessed with one amazing miracle that chose me to be his mama. I was also blessed with several “nieces and nephews” prior to the boy’s arrival to help prepare me for when the time was right.

Not every part of my dream was like I expected it to be. Sometimes it was more than I could take and pain, despair, depression and misery took over. They occasionally make their appearance but I now know how to deal with them.

The best part is that I am still here, writing my story with every breath I take. I am responsible for loving and showing another human being how to start their own journey. I hope to be with him for many years but I know that whatever time I have with him, he will always know what love is and he knows how to find happiness. I pray I have the time to teach him how to nurture that and help him grow into the young man he will hopefully become.

We never know what tomorrow brings, so try and share yourself with those you love while you have the change.

Look at life from a different perspective. Step out of your comfort zone, if only a little bit. Take a chance and live! Share the joy, compassion and love with the world. Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all just made the effort to try to be kinder, more patient and understanding every day?!

These are the raw thoughts that have been on my mind. These are the things that keep me going. These things and of course, the amazing people that I share my life with.

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Stop the train, I think I want to get off….


That moment when you are at your wits end and you call your sister and say, “Go out to the pen, grab a chicken, a rooster, whatever you have most of and sacrifice that critter and chant for things to get gooder!” Yeah, I totally had one of those moments.

Times like that is where 80’s movies and song quotes come to mind. “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Ferris Bueller. That’s the first one that popped in the old noggin’. Maybe being of the MTV and a Gen X’er play into that. Who knows?! And really, do I care? Eh, maybe not so much. I mean I can’t even place artist and songs together unless we go way back and even then I may know the entire song but not who sang it much less wrote it!

never know how strong u r until its only choice

By the way, the sacrifice thingy worked, at least for the one issue I had which involved an early start to my morning by at least an hour. And anyone who really knows me knows I am Not an early morning person unless I went to bed really early. I’m more of a night owl. Lately I am just a need more sleep-in-love-with-my-bed-and-think-about-it-far-too-often kind of owl. Human. Whatever!

This week has been a real hum-dinger! I am hoping and praying for a better today and a fabulous weekend. Life is what you make of it. Life may be tossing zingers at me, but I am truly working hard to handle it with class. Sometimes there just are no words. You have to just trust in what is there and believe in yourself. No matter how hard it gets, you know you can get through it. Maybe a little more worn than you had thought, but you make it through.

For me I learned when I had the boy that I can’t let those zingers drag me down for too long. I can wallow in it and I can ask why, but I also have to be present for him. I have to function for him and I want to. Gone are the days of me being able to stay in my pajamas for the weekend or when I come home from work. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sometimes let go

The whole single parenting thing can be very daunting at times. Even if you co-parent well, it doesn’t make other things just easy. If you don’t co-parent well and you have other issues, it can be even worse. I am just blessed to be a parent at all. I am just thankful he is so open and understanding with me. He talks to me about anything and he’s only 5. He tells me he knows he can talk to me about whatever he needs and I won’t get too mad or upset.

I do screw up, pretty much weekly, but I know I am doing something right. I know that my greatest contribution to this world isn’t the words that I write but the human I teach to go out into the world. Love. Hope. Compassion. Understanding. Questioning. Patience. Faith. Trust. All of those things as well as teaching him how some other people hate, and sometime for no reason than that was how they were taught. Heady stuff.

The best part is that he makes life more bearable when things are rough. He loves me unconditionally. That and I now know my sister will do the bird sacrifice for me make all right in my world!

Happy Friday Eve! Keep Hope Alive!!!

thrs is friday eve

 

 

Remember to breathe and never give up… someone’s always willing to help their fellow humans


never give up what you love to do

Trying to remember to stop and just breathe can be a challenge. Believing all things happen for a reason can be hard at times. So can Keep Hope Alive, but I will never give up. Life is too short. You never know that it could be the last time you will talk to someone, hear their voice or hug their neck. Life happens.

We are told” this is the way it is” and “God has a plan” and “it’s life”. All true but it still doesn’t make it any easier.

Not being able to handle things the way you want them to be or having a curve ball thrown your way just when you thought the game was done can cause chaos in the soul. How you react and handle yourself speaks volumes of the person you are deep inside.

be perfectly human

You may see yourself as being able to hand you anything, but believe me, there are things in this world that can take you to your knees. It can knock the “I can handle anything” right out of your vocabulary because newsflash… WE ARE ALL HUMAN. WE HAVE FLAWS. WE ARE NOT INVINCIBLE. No matter how hard we strive and wish to be.

What I can handle someone else may be unable to and what someone else can handle I may can only deal with some of it or I have a complete come apart on my hands. It isn’t a case of someone being better than someone else, it means we are all human and each and every experience is different for each and every one of us.

I’ve have quite a few different jobs in my life and my hands down favorite is taking care of others.

charlie b being ther for someone

Whether it’s helping out around the house, driving and running errands, being with someone who has memory issues or taking care of someone who is terminal and handling the ugly ins and outs of that, I love to take care of others.

I am not the only one of my kind. However, there are levels to what I can and can’t do. Just like many others in my field, there are some that can help give someone a shower and some that can’t. I happen to be one that can. It becomes very personal when you are helping someone do something very basic that most of us take for granted. Most people never even think about it as it isn’t exactly everyday conversation for them. I completely understand and get that.

That is why I do what I do. I’m not in it for the money, but people think that because I have “office manager” in my title and I do marketing I’m making the “big bucks”. So far from the reality but I love finding the fit between clients and caregiver. It can be challenging but I love helping people make the human connection. I believe in where I work and promote it, as in marketing. I also fill in on cases, hard ones, when people call out and I need to be making sure everyone is being cared for but I know this person NEEDS our help and I can do it so I do.

This weekend I have been on call. My phone didn’t ring at all after 4:30 PM Friday afternoon. It started ringing Saturday morning at 9:12 and hasn’t stopped. I will be making sure folks are taken care of today. It’s what I do. Sometimes it gets overwhelming. I feel on the edge of panic. What if someone is left alone that I’m responsible for? I really don’t have control of other people and I can only count on maybe 1/3 of those people to be truly “available” when they say they will be. Heck just getting them to answer their phones can be challenging some days!

caring is being htere whenu want to be somewhere lese

My boss and I joked that when I’m on call things always happened. Multiple calls (right after we put an ad in the papers for help – who calls on a Saturday at 7 in the freaking morning or at 9 at night for a job?!), people calling out, clients needing care, caregivers having to leave due to sickness/family emergency in mid-shift, clients going to hospital – yeah it’s going to happen on my watch!   

So I am going forth this day with a prayer for hope, peace and calm. I hope I handle this day with a boatload of fabulousness and maybe even a bit of grace for this graceless chick.

hope keeps you going

As always, my motto is KEEP HOPE ALIVE!!!

*Also, I have 42 WordPress followers, 42 is the answer to everything in the universe per The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy which means Life is Fabulous Things are Happen’ Train!*

 42

Merry Christmas from Fabulous Gracelessness!


mc we wish you

We wish you a Merry Christmas!

We wish you a Merry Christmas!

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!

I hope that everyone gets to enjoy this day in some way. Near or far it doesn’t matter, just that you find some happiness, some peace just for a moment.

I hope that those children that believe in Santa wake up to find that Santa came! I hope the children that don’t do Santa wake up happy and healthy.

mc peace love hope believe

I hope that everyone who takes the time out to read my blog will stop, just for a moment, and find a memory, or reflect on this holiday season, and find just one memory that makes you smile. The warm, fuzzy inside kind of smile. The kind of smile that lights up your whole being! Keep Hope Alive! It’s Christmas! Miracles happen!

I realize and understand that not everyone celebrates or even enjoys Christmas. Some don’t even recognize it. I am perfectly okay with that.I am sharing how Fabulous Gracelessness does Christmas.

Here in Sweet Home Alabama it is a holiday that the majority of folks Celebrate!

mc traditiona

It’s a day we get together with family and friends. Often times we see folks we don’t see throughout the year for whatever reason. People sometimes put away their differences to enjoy time with family and friends. Some make new traditions and others blend the old with the new.

Before I had my son, I always got together with my family, but I also would get together throughout the holiday season and visit with friends that I didn’t get to see as much. Several of us agreed that gift giving was way overrated, in fact we call it Giftsmas, due to those that tend to over give and expect the same in return. We decided that we would always buy for the kids, but for us, just all getting together, eating good food and having a few spirits were all that we needed.

Since the boy came into my world, I still try to get together with friends, though it isn’t as easy or frequent as I would like. I do still enjoy the festivities but it has changed a bit. I have made more traditions that I did in my own childhood with him. I have created new traditions with him too. We love finding new things to do. Apparently, we are now adding make a gingerbread house to our things to do! We also drive around and look at the lights. Not necessarily on Christmas night but close to Christmas. Even in the rain we go. It is so much fun to see the joy of lights and decorations through the eyes of a child.

mc heaven

It is also bittersweet. There are so many that are no longer with us. It can be so damn hard to put on a happy face when the tears are falling like rivers inside. You don’t want to make everyone else sad or put a damper on the festive times. But I can’t help but think about how much my Daddy would enjoy his grandsons. How much my Grandparents would love to play with their great-grandsons. How truly amazing it would be to have everyone home for Christmas. How much it hurts knowing that can’t happen. How much we still love and miss them and always will.

It’s why I love making new memories. To bridge the past with the present and look forward to the future.

This year I haven’t felt the Christmas spirit like I have in the past. I am so thankful for the boy as he pulls me from the abyss just knowing how much joy he has and his love for the holiday. I love that he has an elf named Jerry that magically found us and how he watches throughout the year and shows up after Thanksgiving. He comes with a letter and a tiny gift and moves about the house during the season. He doesn’t make messes or sit on a shelf. He is a different kind of elf. I love that we call Santa every year and he talks to him on the phone. We make reindeer treats as well as treats for Santa. I love the pure joy and glee in his eyes when he sees that Santa came. It isn’t the volume of the gifts it’s the magic of Christmas. It’s everyone getting along for the day when he goes from Mommy’s to Daddy’s house knowing he is loved by so many and it is a day where everyone is present. No distractions just the enjoyment of those around him.

eys of child

Through the eyes of a child is how I wish everyone could see Christmas.

Keep Hope Alive my fabulous friends!

And may all of your Christmas’ be bright!

onnly blind xmas helen keller

*Fabulous Gracelessness does not want to offend those who do not celebrate this holiday. I hope you enjoyed reading how me and mine celebrate Christmas. I hope you understand that for us, Christmas isn’t just gifts and decorations. It is a time for us to come together. It is a time when we feel everyone should share their joy and their compassion for others. Be kind. Be patient. Remember everyone does not get to enjoy it like we do. Even if some years it isn’t as “lavish” as you would like it to be, but that you may be blessed with peace and joy.