Two pairs of shoes for one


shoes

This photo speaks volumes.

Two pairs of shoes.

Same size for the same boy.

It’s transition time.

He goes from mommy’s to dad’s.

I do everything to make it easy for him.

Sometimes he doesn’t want to go.

He doesn’t always want to leave me, but he loves his dad.

I assure him we both love him and want to spend time with him.

There is something about our bond.

Mother and son.

It isn’t something I can easily articulate.

He was born an old soul.

I saw it in his eyes as I held him in my arms those first nights, alone with him at the hospital.

Just this creature I gave birth to, myself and the kind nurses.

No matter how great my pain, I wanted him with me every time they brought him in from the nursery.

I Knew I would do Everything in my power to protect him.

I didn’t realize how hard that would be, but somehow this child that I created understands.

He knows that I will Love him No Matter What.

He’s learned that life and people are not perfect firsthand.

Including me.

He’s seen more than many children his age because he Sees.

He’s seen death, divorce and sadness.

He has Always known Love from his village.

And his mother.  

I am proud of how well he handles life.

His compassion and love of others.

His love of farting and being his crazy boy self.

The songs in his head and dance moves in his soul.

His amazing imagination and abilities to draw what he sees in his mind.

I love this child with my whole being.

But those shoes, they undo me.

He sees me smile and encourage him to have fun, love and enjoy his time with his other family.

He knows I miss him more than I will ever say.

I tell him I am in his heart and always with him.

I wait until he’s back in my arms again for my time.

My life isn’t perfect, but it is full with love.

Crawling out


Sometimes I just have to remember who I am and what I need to keep going. It’s been so long since I have written anything here and I feel like I don’t even know where to start.

I can get lost in looking to see what my last post was. I get lost with the 20 something other writings I have going on. All of them are close to me. Some are too close and some the memories and feelings I still am working though.

I’ve written volumes on loss. It seems this year has held more than enough loss for me and mine.

Loss of family and friends seemingly out of the blue has left me out of sorts.

It has brought the boy and I so much closer. His loss is different than mine but it is still loss and takes an emotional toll.

It has made me look hard at myself and see more clearly where I need to take action.

It has made me grieve my lack of action on relationships of those I cherish but I can’t seem to find or make time to connect with. The frustrating part is those I try and need to communicate with don’t reciprocate and I am left in a frustrated funk that I make myself climb out of.

I deserve a damn Emmy or Oscar or whatever for my performances of “I am doing okay” but yet I still chant my mantra of Keep Hope Alive.

This is not a pitty party. This is me climbing back out and making myself write again. I will not allow myself to sink any further.

Plus the boy has asked me why I don’t work at night anymore writing. I told him I thought he didn’t like me working at night. Even though it is usually after he is in bed and he would prefer I lay down with him for a bit! And then he told me that since I wasn’t writing as much, I don’t seem to be as happy. Like whatever I was typing or writing, the bad stuff gets out and I can shine again.

The whole out of the mouths of babes thing is so true. He sees where I am lacking and how I need to get around to it. He notices many things most adults miss.

So this is my pledge of at least once a week to write.

I have so much started, now I just need to finish and do it. Doing so will allow the rest of it to come out. To fall into the world.

I am crawling out of the tangles of my mind.

In the interim, please remember to tell those you love how you feel. Make the phone call or visit. Remember we all bleed the same. We are all members of the human tribe.

Keep Hope Alive.

Changes happen whether you want them or not


One doesn’t always know what is going to happen. You may have an idea, an inkling, a feeling or you may think everything is “just fine and dandy” and out of the blue KA-POW! Change hits you like you were not expecting it to. Dealing with that change can be a game changer in life as I know first hand!

Right now, in this very moment, I am going through some crazy changes in my life. I’ve got so many irons in the fires and had fires go out that trying to navigate from one minute to the next can be exhausting.

I’m a free spirited, OCD, single mom of The Boy. I am a romantic, realist, spiritualist, friend, sister, daughter, lover, girlfriend, human being. I am so many things that there isn’t a way to list them all without sounding arrogant or that I am touting my own self worth… Yet it seems that in today’s society I must “choose” a box for who I am to fit inside of. I don’t fit into any box.

Hello, we are constantly changing! Some days in small ways and others in larger ways. Employment, living, relationships, health, heart – all of these can change in an instant. At other times, it is in moments. They may take days, weeks or months to culminate into something larger, grander and maybe even change the course of one’s outlook on a certain aspect for the duration of ones life. Or maybe only for a short time. But it definitely changes the perspective in which we observe, respond and react to life.

These are the thoughts and ramblings in my mind. Daily. It’s an interesting place to dwell,

Keep hope alive!

 

I’m here so why not…


I have been writing. On notepad, post it’s, my journal and in my mind but just not here.

Life has been so real, so raw lately that I have thoughts and questions. I have opinions and epiphanies, but I haven’t been able to blog. It’s like writers blog but on a larger scale.

My amazing, I can’t believe she’s still cheering us on because she’s just awesome friend, is the one who got me back. I so owe her. I had been letting a part of myself fall away without realizing it. It to a #30dayblogchallenge to get me to write finally. You should check her out! Talk about an inspiration. This is someone I completely just admire and love. We’ve known each other a long time but until recently, I didn’t realize how precious of a human being she is! Just one of those blessed moments when I Truly needed it! https://throughsinaisand.blog/

Life, death, taxes, changes in relationships on so many level, some not so good, some downright craptastic and some, well some are miracles when you get down to it. Life is happening and I have to face that. Even when there are loved ones on their way out of this journey of life. Life goes on. How I choose to handle it is up to me. Some days I do all right, and other days, well, I try to not look to hit or smell poorly!

After all this is The Ride. Most days I love the ride. Some days I just need to slow down to figure out where I am on the ride.

Keep Hope Alive.

Remember to hug your family and friends if you can. Tell people how you feel. You never know when the last time is.

Challenge accepted….. more like a kick in the pants!


So I am back… hopefully for at least the next 30 days or so! HA!

One of my friend, she’s a fabulous human I greatly admire actually, presented a challenge on the FaceBook to write for 30 days. Me thinking, “I did it for a year, I can do 30 days!” She’s quite talented and our back story is quite amusing! I’m just so thankful I have her now! Her and her amazing husband are inspirations to so many!

Of course, I wasn’t thinking about anything but the challenge and how much I miss writing here.

I wasn’t thinking about the time and commitment it takes to put out quality posts. I wasn’t thinking of my OCD and how I feel I owe it to anyone who decides to read my blog to get something entertaining, amusing or hoping to just feel a bit better.

I wasn’t thinking of how I have volumes written and how I will most likely hit a nerve or two coming back. I can’t help but write how I perceive things, right or wrong.

Yeah, I tend to over think a bit much! Possibly a topic within the next 30 days… something tells me I won’t go so long in between posts after this.

Just what I needed a good kick in the pants!

Fabulous Gracelessness has returned. I’ve never stopped writing, my blog just slowed a lot.

That changes as of today.

Never forget to keep hope alive!

Just an FYI, there are some fabulous humans also doing this challenge. While we are from all walks of life, we are supporting each other and I will be sharing links to their pages soon! Support your fellow writers!

 

Dear Daddy – 3 years later


Dear Daddy,

Three years can seem like just yesterday and also like a lifetime.

Today I plan to take your oldest grandson to school (I can’t believe he’s in kindergarten!), then off to work along with random errands tossed in. A somewhat normal sounding day, although I know, life changes in an instant.

You would be so proud of your grandson! Both of them! The Boy and Little H. Although he didn’t have the joy of meeting you, Little H knows about you. Through The Boy of course and our family, you were our rock.

Little H was born less than 2 months after you passed. A bundle of light in our sea of grief. You knew of him. I remember when they told you his name, Little bro and Sweet Sis were so excited. We were all so over the moon and the tears of love and happiness were only overshadowed knowing our time with you was short.

I over hear The Boy telling Little H stories about you. You have made it to super hero status in the eyes of your grandsons. You were always a superhero to me. The boy includes you in his nightly prayers, “God Bless GiGi and Pops”. Every time.

Sunday, February 9, 2014 was a crisp cool day. I knew we would have company, you were loved and admired by so many.

I got up and came downstairs with mama. Seeing you, I knew. I knew that I couldn’t know the time but I knew your journey here was nearly over. It was surreal. As I helped you get ready, I whispered words of encouragement and love. One of the many ways you always gave to me I was able to give back to you. You didn’t talk as much as your strength was waning, your body tired and sore from a long, hard fought battle. But you were at peace with this world and with God. You held onto my arm, your grip was firm. I remember because earlier you had apologized for not having as much strength… you looked into my eyes and told me You Love Me. Oh, Daddy, I love you too! I wish I had more time with you!

I went to the store three times that day. I went early to get some medicines and supplies we needed. I didn’t get the rest done until much later that day. The second time I went I had just gotten out of the car when Sweet Sis called me and said, “Come home now.” The lady next to me in the parking lot was declaring what a beautiful day it was. My expression had changed from smiling to panic, I guess. I just said, “I have to go. My daddy” and jumped in the car. I did hear her say, “Be safe and my prayer are with you child.”

It is only about 5 miles but I was home before I realized it. I’m pretty sure I may have broken a traffic law or two. Sweet Sis met me in the garage, opened the door and said, “Go”, with her eyes filled with tears of love and sorrow. I raced through the house, passing The Boy and Auntie, I knew she knew and said “I love you both!” A few steps later, I joined mama, Little Bro, Uncle and the rest of the family came in as we surrounded you at your bedside. A couple of friends who had come by to say their goodbyes to a great man who I called Daddy were also in the room.

We were all right there with you as you took your last earthly breath.

Time stopped.

As the tears ran down my face, I looked at mama and little bro…I could hear Uncle praying. I felt your arm beneath my hands and you were still warm.

There but yet not there.

As I raised my face up, the tears blurring my vision and cries choking my words, I saw and felt this beautiful, warm sunshine hazy mist. It was all around us, enveloping us almost.

I realized it was you. Comforting us. Helping us to find a peace within our grief as it was so overwhelming.

You were no longer feeling the pain and suffering of the disease that had held you for too long. You were free! Free in ways we can only imagine. As I felt my deepest, most painful loss, I saw and felt your love around us.

I sometimes find it so hard to remember that. Selfishly, I want you here. I Need you, Daddy. I need your advice, your guidance, but mostly, I just need to feel your arms around me because no matter what I know that you love me. I was always safe in your arms from the time I started my journey. I always knew my Daddy would protect me.

As you say, life does go on. It is definitely not always easy. Lately, it has been pretty challenging and I find myself talking to you more.

I am beginning to understand that maybe I know some of the steps I need to take – actions not always words! I also know I miss you more than I knew it was possible to miss someone. Someone who was ALWAYS there for me and truly loved me unconditionally when I know I was tough to even like at times. You always told me I was harder on myself than everyone else was. Sometimes you said I needed to be. Other times, I need to lay off myself. The second part isn’t always so easy for me as you know.

I know that I will get through this day. If I am blessed, I will live to see tomorrow and another day with my miracle boy. I have a loving family, a boyfriend and his son who I know love me, as well as an amazing group of friends who are like family…you know how we somewhat adopt folks and keep them for life! Most you’ve met, some I wish you could meet. I still always Keep Hope Alive!

I just couldn’t let today go by without writing you a letter. It’s probably better than sitting at the gravesite rambling away, laughing and crying! I will probably do that too, at least not too many will hopefully not see that part!

I am so thankful that I had you as my father. I know I was truly blessed.

I love you, Daddy.

Always.

 

Barely closer to the weekend and closer to my one year mark


One day closer into the week by a gnat’s hair.

I am also on the downward slide of writing daily for an entire year.

365 days in a row.

I’ve written more than once a day at times, but I made a promise to myself I would write daily. So far, I have stuck to it. It is not easy, but then I never thought I would be able to start a blog, much less be able to put something out daily. I know some days have really sucked content wise but other days, I feel like I put my all into it. It has been hard but it has been worth it!

I have learned more about myself and how people close to you react when you write publicly. That has been worth writing about for both recent and future content!

I have had some people that have stayed with me and others who are no longer in my life. I have lost friends and family in this past year. I have loved and lost and loved again. I am in love now and it is a beautiful thing.

Life has happened.

Life keeps happening.

So on this beautiful Tuesday, I wish you all Hope for a fabulous day!

Always Keep Hope Alive!

You never know what’s going to happen next… Live!

 

New week, hopes and thoughts


The emotions, actions, love, loss, keep on swimming, struggle is real and general maos of the last week and weekend have been a bit overwhelming.

Today as we head into a new week I hope and pray for just a bit of peace for everyone.

We have all been through, and probably still going through some crazy life changes/challenges. Big or small and sometime both – making it hard to breathe and harder still to just be calm and be. It’s like something in the air making every being susceptible to its sorcery. Maybe it’s just this time of year.

They say April showers bring May flowers.

And sometimes it snows in April. Sometimes it feels so right.

Other times it just feels off.

You know those quizzes and psychological questions that ask you where you will be in 10 years? Or where you see yourself in 10 years? I was thinking about that recently and realized where I thought I would be and where I am are totally different. Like apples and Twinkies kind of different.

I guess the nostalgia of past memories and life coupled with the reality, awe and sometimes shock at where I am now hits me. It wraps around me like a woolen blanket making me slightly uncomfortable yet it opens my mind to a better view of where I thought I would be, where I am and where I realistically hope to be sooner rather than later.

Life moves pretty fast. It seems the older I get the faster it moves. I am thinking I may need knee, hip, and spine replacement along with some good shoes to run in to keep up. Or I just need to win the lottery and get a personal assistant! Ya gotta have dreams!

So on this fabulous Monday I want to wish you all a Fantastically Fabulous Day from one Fabulously Graceless Lady Maos!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

 

 

 

 

FabulousGracelessness – 11 months and counting


For the last 11 months I have been writing this blog daily.

It is my personal challenge to write daily for a year. I have made it 11 months and as of today, I have plans to keep writing through daily until May 20, 2016.

I wonder what I will do once I reach that year milestone.

I know I can’t stop writing. I also wonder if I can keep it up daily! I had no idea how hard it would be.

There is so much I have to do that I didn’t have when I started writing FabulousGracelessness.

Yet I am unsure of what I will do as far as on a daily basis.

I love writing so very much. I love pouring my soul into my blog; however I also love pouring my soul into life!

I guess whatever path I chose I know that I will not stop writing.

It’s in me to put my thoughts out there. They can no longer be contained! I’m not so sure it’s best for everyone but I know that it works for me. Plus, www.fabulousgracelessness.com just auto-renewed for another year so why not?!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

 

Those moments


Those moments you wish everything would slow down, yeah those got to me.

I felt I was running 100 miles an hours and I couldn’t stop, couldn’t, wouldn’t slow down.

It seemed all of a sudden, that moment, where I had a few moments to myself in the first time in what seemed forever.

I had such a moment of clarity.

I could see in every direction where the fractions of my life met up as a whole.

I could see every nuance of the air around me as I reflected on my life stretching out in so many directions.

Like ripples from the center they blow out into the wide world.

I can see myself running around, zooming from part to part trying to keep everything under control.

I can see me finally understand that I truly have no control.

I can see underneath and to the top and sides and all the cracks that are in between and I see where changes need to be made, things need to be corrected and I just need to rest.

I need to let my mind and soul heal.

If only for a moment but the healing has to happen.

When your moment comes make sure to stop and take it because it passes you by so swiftly.

It is gone before you know it and you are off and running again.

Maybe you’re running a bit more blindly because you didn’t just stop for the moment when you should have.

Maybe in those moments you will find hope.