Another fun manic Monday


Just another manic Monday here in my graceless world!

I hope you are all having a lovely Monday and you remember to Keep Hope Alive!

Today will be a full, fun, learning kind of day with more than I should do but knowing how I am will do!

It’s so nice to be among the land of the occasional paycheck again, even if it’s dribblings it’s steady-ish dribblings and gives me the hope I need to keep moving forward!

I never know what kind of curves are coming but I am ready!

I am on countdown to less than 10 days before I am with my sister from another mister, family and those Yankees I have claimed as mine!

view on hoppe valley

The first pig roast I was preggo with the boy!

b in belly pig roast

Now he is all about running wild and the pig itself, which is beyond yummy along with the multitude of food we will all consume!

cooked pig

I will be driving with the boy and my co-pilot to TN to meet up with more famriends and then it’s all the way to PA baby!

Boy howdy will that be a fun ride! NOT!

It will be filled with entertainment but it is hella long. Sorry to offend but it is a true Road Trip. My Jeep, the Blue Bunny, is getting groomed and checked for the adventure.

Can anyone tell I get excited about this?!

Not to mention I now have my new contacts and glasses will be in this week!

I feel like singing, “It’s a whole new world!” out loud instead of just in my head while wearing them!

Plus I cleaned the windows in the jeep so today’s view will be fabulous!

They give a whole new meaning to sharpness and clarity!

I feel like that is a good way of looking at things on the positive spin of the maos (chaos and mayhem) of my life!

I have been seeking a clarity and working on sharpening my focus and it is not only happening, but paying off!

I worked my booty off yesterday cleaning house and organizing and playing with the boy in between.

I mean I got on a “I feel the need to do all of the laundry in the house just because” and so I did. Yes my OCD went a little overboard as you can see below!

laundry

It and the laundry room are now clean and pristine!

I am always trying to catch up and do more so that I can rest and play every once in a while.

I work harder for a day or two off but now that I’m working for myself and my freelancing, I don’t feel guilty by actually not doing any work on my days off.

Before I would feel like I needed to do “something” or else I was just being lazy!

Crazy I know but also a part of my OCD I have been working on.

Now I am working out better time management and finding ways to not feel the guilt because I don’t do some sort of work when I declare I am taking a day off!

One could truly loose one’s mind with the continuance of this kind of behavior!

I will sign off for now but want to wish Everyone a Fabulous Monday!

So much to do, so much to live, so much to be thankful for!

Always keep hope alive my friends!

 

Courting Nostalgia


Currently I am courting nostalgia of only 2 short years ago.

I had dropped an email into the wrong file and I clicked onto another file, still not the right one but this was much, much better.

I tumbled into my memories from where I was and what was happening in my life.

I stepped back into a world where my loved ones had not departed this plane and my big love dog was loping around the house to dance party time. The boy was yet to be potty trained and I was on the wild ride of life.

I was learning how to be a single parent.

I was employed and one of my best friends and I had reunited for another go as roomies.

I was preparing to head north for our yearly trek for the annual pig roast at my sister’s home.

I was driving back and forth from Tennessee to Alabama to spend time with my family, my parents, and my daddy.

So much of my life felt like it was on hold or in a holding pattern due to circumstances beyond my control.

Two years doesn’t seem like long but now seems like a lifetime.

I dig deeper into my memories.

I remember laughing hysterically with my roomie, my boy, big dog and the kitties.

She taught the boy goofy games and silly things to do and how to eat with clothespins.

I remember going to the lake with my family and watching my son and my daddy “fish” together. The boat ride we went on and how I knew that time was precious and I took none of it for granted.

I remember the trip to Pennsylvania with 3 adults and a kid in diapers and how we laughed so hard we cried and even had to pull over, a flawlessly executed maneuver in major traffic, so my girl could get sick and then felt better. Our trip was sorely needed and I got to see my sister, brother in law, niece and nephew along with the rest of my Yankee family.

No I did not take this for granted. Not one minute of the time.

The movies in my mind of this time of my life seem almost like old black and whites now.

I allow them all to wash over me and assault me for I will never forget them.

I hold them close to my heart, these precious memories.

For you see, my wonderful roomie passed away peacefully, but unexpectedly in her sleep one night. I still miss my sister and the woman who was tiny yet impossibly strong and would give you the clothes off her back and help anyone who needed it.

My strong daddy, my rock, finally lost his brave battle to the insidious cancer that ravaged his body in the end. I miss him daily and sometimes so much that it pains me physically.

Big Love aka Jethro aka our fur bebe doggy passed because it was just his time.

My career path has changed along with my state of residence.

My son is now well potty trained along with growing up to no longer be considered by son as my “little” boy.

One of my happy constants is our annual pilgrimage to PA for the pig roast with my sister and the Yankees.

But as I dip my toes into the memories of my past I remember the happiness, the conversations, and the love.

I pull from my family and friends, old and new, and new again.

I harness the love, hope and prayers and I make it through another day.

I watch my boy grow into a young man, slowly but it’s happening far faster than I would like.

So I slide back into this warm pool of my past.

I close my eyes and hear the laughter, the advice, feel the love and happiness, taste the worry but always I keep hope alive.

The bridge from then to now is my hope.

Have a fabulous Sunday!

 

It’s the weekend and I’m being lazy today in my posting….


It’s the weekend!!

So I will start by apologizing for my mini post today.

I was up until the wee hours talking with my friend I haven’t seen in 28 years! And for the record, I think we still look fabulous!

It was so good to enjoy each other’s company over dinner and continue talking about life and randomness until we both realized we have things to do today. She won the bigger “to do” argument as she has to fly back across the ocean to get “home”.

It isn’t like we can just pick up and visit whenever we want as she lives on another continent.

You never know when you decide to have a get together what will happen.

I pictured her coming over, us having dinner and chatting a bit.

I did not expect to enjoy it so much we lost track of time and did not want it to end.

So I challenge everyone to find that long lost friend and stay up late talking.

Enjoy your friends you have.

Make new friends.

Rekindle the old ones.

Tonight was definitely worth it!

Eva my friend, safe travels and I do hope to see you again next year!

me n eva

Have a fabulous Saturday my Graceless friends!

Moments


At times I feel only have stolen moments.

There are moments I give to others

Some are obligations I give freely

Others are obligations I begrudgingly oblige

Some are wanted

Many are not

Some are unexpected

Those are both happy and sad

Good and bad

Ecstasy and terror

Moments

Brief or long it is all we have

I often forget how to give to myself

Moments I need to breathe

Moments I need for my sanity

Mere moments

Yet they yearn for more

Clamor for my precious moments

I try and I fail

I disappoint

Them, myself I am disappointment

Steal them

Take them

Rip them from me

Mere moments in time

What more do I have to give but moments?

I hope you all have fabulous moments today!

 

Life throws you curves


Sometimes life throws you curve balls and you expect it.

It still rocks you but you stand pretty firm.

Then sometimes there are those curve balls you were not expecting.

The ones that rock you to the core and leave you going, “What just happened?!”

It’s funny how an email and phone call can change your world in amazing ways you did not see coming in a million years.

Not long ago I wrote about how I have to get through a situation to get over it.

I had pull away from a situation with a friend who had stepped outside of reality for a bit.

Not that I blamed them, I just couldn’t follow their anguish and destruction down that particular rabbit hole.

I stepped away.

It seems like that was ages ago.

So many things have happened in life but I never forgot the core of that person and how good they could be. I couldn’t forget how much fun we have and how we enjoy each other’s company.

Then randomly I got an email that moved me to my core.

I knew deep down in my soul that I could no longer stay away.

I had to know if they too had been able to get through and over the hurdles of their own demons.

I called and ended up on the phone talking for an hour.

Then I got another email this morning that surprised me regarding possible employment. A friend that my friend felt I would really bond with who needed someone like me.

I received a phone call and instantly adored the lovely lady I talked too.

Bonus is I have an interview which is more like a formality due to our shared passion of helping others.

Proceeding on with my day in a better than average mood I went to my eye appointment.

I don’t think I have ever had so much fun and girl bonding at a “doctor’s appointment’!

It seems my vision has deteriorated a bit but I can still get the contacts I want but had to get new glasses due to the vision issues.

They are so cool and I can’t wait! I will be so happy to see clearly again and will definitely put up a photo or two!

My life is coming into sharper focus and now I will be able to actually see sharper and better!

After several hours I finally left and went to watch the boy do his karate thing. Since he is with his father, I went and had dinner with an old friend.

It ended up being one of those dinners that is a conversation that just keeps going. You don’t want it to end because you can’t believe that you found each other again, especially after the trauma of the past, and here you are together because you were both able to move through and past. Filling each other in on what we missed in each other’s lives and sharing those inside jokes you thought had been buried in the trunk in the attic are the stuff happiness is made of.

I got to ride in a convertible, and oh what a fabulous ride it was, with the top down, wind in my hair and just that feeling of freedom! The joy of the open road, no words needed because you’re on the same page and you can feel the universe smile.

So I have to say it was a good day.

I hope your day is fabulous too!

Here’s hoping for a fabulous week my friends!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

What was I thinking?!


I am wondering when I decided to try and become Martha freaking Stewart/ June Cleaver/Carol Brady – ISH?!

oldies mom

When I decided I was going to try to be so “together” and make all of these fabulous plans, cook these fabulous meals and do all of this adult stuff with “style”. What the hell am I thinking?!

I AM FABULOUSLY GRACELESS!

crazy beach me

I try to try but as my good friend says, and I concur, “That totally smacks of effort!”

I am just a “normal” (ok maybe not normal normal but somewhere maybe within 1000 miles of there) female, mother, daughter, sister, friend, human who works daily, often times moment to moment to get through this thing we call life.

Sometime after I had my boy, at the ripe “advanced maternal age” – a term I am willing to throat punch over – of 39, it was like I caught a virus of how I needed to handle moving onward with my life now that I had someone I was also responsible for and sending out into the world.

I wanted to make sure my boy’s life experience was as fun and educational, obviously filled with love which is perhaps the easiest part and no brainer, as possible.

I have OCD and accept it. I work to make it more balancing than having it control me. I try to always have “a plan”.

The first year of parenthood was awe inspiring and also something out of one of the seventh rings of hell.

My routines, logic and plans were quickly tossed out the side window in order to make room for this creature who had captured my soul the minute I found out I was pregnant but who had tossed the my existence into some crazed notion of a life I had no idea how to navigate through at times.

I think it’s fair to say every first time parent has pre-conceived notions of how they will raise their children, handles situations and how life will flow along.

I think it’s also fair to say many times that idea is full of a big old diaper of the worst poo imaginable.

cartoon multi mom

I guess I have always done my marching to some random garbled beat in my own mind.

I have my oddities and own side effects, some I am working on and others I chose to keep because they are just the core of who I am.

To say my life has not gone “as planned” is a gross understatement of massive proportions.

Not to say I don’t love my life. I truly do.

That’s the crazy part.

I saw life before and after having a kid as one way.

I learned before I even had him, life did not always go as planned. Sometimes it went very poorly and how you chose to handle it makes all the difference in the world. So I would modify my flow.

After the boy came bouncing into My world, everything I knew turned upside down. From my hospital stay, to the first years, to the “un-coupling” of his dad and myself, Life freaking Changed.

This did not, however, change the file in my brain that I needed to strive to be more like the mythical TV, movie and reality moms. You know the ones that have it all?

not me cartoon mom w balance

Still having themselves, the job, the kid, the organized house and schedules with all the fluff.

And I just snorted laughing at reading that sentence because no matter how much that particular file in my brain wants and strives to be “that perfect” I Know it won’t ever happen!!

I am very okay with that!

I went from the free-spirit, flexible, OCD, semi-organized life to one where I am responsible for another human and my schedule and plans are somewhat regimented.

I am still a free-spirit and still flexible. I’ve had to work hard on my OCD and organized is all relative in how one’s perspective is!

Still the BEST part is The Boy.

b coraline

I’ve had a lot of “accomplishments” and proud moments in my life, but having my son is the absolute, hands down, most fabulously amazing creation and contribution to this planet I could have ever even hoped to offer.

So yeah, I may look a hot mess, I may not have everything as organized in my home as it “should be”, but I can guarantee my boy is happy and well-adjusted and learning to roll with the punches and accept folk for who they are. He is learning the meaning and value of doing as you say and how to treat others. He is learning while he is the top of my world, in life everyone matters and deserves respect.

He is most definitely loved by many. My love for him and the miracle that he is cannot even be articulated well because it is too vast and made up of things I didn’t know existed before him.

As for me, well I am not completely giving up the ghost of Martha, June, Carol and the other mamas, but for now, I am me.

me in beatles shirt

I will take a line or page or two from them when I can but in the end, I have to say, I think I am doing alright!

I hope that you are doing alright too!

Have a Fabulous Wednesday from the Queen of Gracelessness!

The beach is in my soul


At the time this article goes out I will have officially been gone from the beach for at least nearly 20 hours… almost a full day.

I will have woke with my last view of the beach for a while.

Of course I will photograph it but often I don’t need the visual reminders. Not of this place.

I always walk out onto the balcony, look around and then close my eyes and breathe it all in.

balcony view

The sights, the smell, the endless ocean with all of its vast adventures.

The Life.

I can be anywhere, any room, any situation and just Stop.

I can smell it. The salt and sand and tropical smells.

I can feel it. The breeze blowing off the Gulf of Mexico caressing my skin. Rain or shine it feels so different, so alive.

I can see it in my mind. I can close my eyes and see all hours of the day or night here.

For all of my existence I have come to this place.

feet beach

This body of water.

The beaches along the Gulf Coast have helped shape who I am as a human being.

As I am sure they have shaped thousands before, even now and after I am gone.

I’ve seen the sun rise, mid-day and setting sun. I have sat on the beach from dawn til dusk and dusk til dawn.

I have slept on the beach.

I have played in this ocean and learned of the creatures that live here and respect them. Even if I am not fond of some of them this is their home. Their space.

I have walked these shores with the ones I love and those that are no longer here with me to walk in the surf or sit in the sand and stare out at the beauty.

But here I feel so close to them.

I feel close to all of those I love and care for.

I love sharing this Oneness of everything with my boy.

beach crab catchin

My amazing miracle that constantly blows my mind and fills me with love.

He reminds me of this place.

We came from this place.

The place where I am close to everything, call it God, the Universe, all of those things we cannot articulate into words but its right there.

It is where I can and do find my soul. I nourish it.

I find it and I replenish my being.

And I can come anytime I want.

I just have to remember the way.

This time, I know that I have found it.

I will not forget it.

Life is too precious to let myself forget this and how to mend my soul.

pier balcony view

 

Storms


I love storms!

I always have loved to watch storms.

Even the scary ones.

I remember being about 4 years old and we heard on the radio there were tornado warnings in the area.

Suddenly the sky went black and the sirens went off. The power flickered and then went off.

Our family hustled to the basement to wait out the storm with a battery powered radio.

However my grandmamma loved storms too.

She felt this was the perfect time to teach me about storms and her love of nature.

So she grabbed my hand and up the stairs we went.

When she opened the front door I remember feeling the change in the pressure and the feeling of being scared but excited.

I trusted my grandmamma with all of my heart and knew she would never do anything to put me in harm’s way.

She asked me to smell the air and watch the tree tops.

We watched the swirling clouds as they built up speed and strength.

And then the coolest, most terrifying thing happened.

A tornado touched down right up the street.

I remember looking up at her with anxiety on my face.

She had the most serene expression on her face. Her body was calm, not tense.

She looked over at me and smiled.

I will never forget her words, “Storms are one of the most beautiful displays of chaos in nature. God gives us storms so we remember to appreciate the beautiful things in our lives. But if we watch them, we see storms have an intense beauty all their own. We must respect them, and even fear them a bit, but know if you take precautions you can be safe and sheltered from the storms. Never believe you are completely safe though because no one but God knows what that storm will do.”

How right she was.

To this day over 40 years later I love to watch storms.

 storms2

I treat them with the respect they deserve but still get a thrill out of watching them.

However, driving in them not so much!

Storms come in and cleanse the land.

Hurricanes and tornados can reshape the landscape.

storms1

Yes they can do unspeakable damage and destroy homes, businesses and even lives.

But they are a part of the very fabric of our existence.

The storms of life we have all suffered through.

Hopefully to come through it better than we were before.

Cleansed.

Respectful.

No matter rain nor shine I hope you all have a Fabulous Day My Friends!

Stay Graceless!

 

A day of rest


 day of rest

Growing up I was taught Sunday is a day of rest.

Growing up in the south, Sunday was reserved for church and family.

Friends would come by for a big lunch or maybe an afternoon visit, but we were pretty low key on our Sunday’s.

I remember every spring our church would give us kites in the spring.

We always looked forward to this day because we would get to fly our kites after lunch.

It was a Sunday where my brother and I were guaranteed the adults would “play” with us outside because it was a yearly tradition.

Now days Sundays are “just another day” for so many.

I remember when there weren’t any businesses opened on Sundays. Maybe a grocery store or two and of course restaurants.

When the mall decided to open on Sundays it was not until 1:00 PM and at the time several people were outraged that you could shop on Sundays.

In the Bible belt, Sundays were for church.

You went to church, came home had a big lunch, maybe a nap and then went back to church that evening. Sometimes you spent all day at church.

For me personally, I still try to make it a day of rest.

Sometimes I take the boy to church and then we have lunch together.

I always try to find fun things for us to do together.

Anything from fishing, drawing to even watching a movie together – time just together bonding. Just spending time being.

So many people seem to forget this basic human need.

minion day of rest

You don’t have to spend money and do all of these adventurous things to bond and just be together.

You just need to truly enjoy spending time with another human being. Quality time together.

This life is too short and relationships are so precious.

Why not take one day each week to truly enjoy this life?

Whether with others or yourself.

Take a little time off to recharge or just rest up before the week starts up and the chaos begins again.

I hope you all have a happy, fabulous Sunday!

day of rest 2

 

Hiding Out


 kid behind tree

I see you there.

Hiding out.

Hiding from me.

From everyone.

Right out in plain sight you stand.

Trying so hard to pretend you aren’t there.

Trying to pretend that your illness doesn’t exist.

Doesn’t show.

You talk and act as though nothing is wrong.

You’re the life of the party.

The one who’s always “helping” out.

Your stories are filled with all You do and Your life.

How You are Always the one “everyone” turns to.

Your adventures.

It’s always about you.

Yet you hide out when things get tough.

You hide from the confrontation.

You hide from the truth of what has taken over you.

You hide.

kitty hiding

You think that I do not see but I do.

You can keep on hiding out.

I will keep on knowing.

Because I promise you.

You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last.

I just hope you will get the help you need.

I hope you will find the way to your happiness.

Hiding out is no way to exist.

So just try to make an effort to find your way back to health.

Find your way back to happiness.

Find your way back to you.

stop hiding