I’m sorry but not and I am working on that


Sometimes I feel like I am constantly apologizing to people for things that are out of my control.

I am sorry I was late there was a wreck and I left in plenty of time. I am sorry you misunderstood me when I said I had an appointment and couldn’t meet yet you showed up anyway and acted put out when I wasn’t in the office. I am sorry you can’t read a map. I am sorry you’re having a bad day. I am sorry that your neighbor smashed your car and you can’t get to work… this happened yesterday and you are calling me 2 hours before you shift? I am sorry that person you really wanted to show up didn’t, maybe they had to work but I’m here for you. I’m sorry your friend can’t have a conversation with a woman unless she is flat chested. It’s not like I am wearing a low cut shirt. I’m sorry you felt my writing was something it’s not. I’m sorry I didn’t word that sweet enough to take the sting out. I’m sorry I can’t hang but I have to work as nights are the only time I can seem to do certain work. I’m sorry that life happened when we were making plans.  I’m sorry we can’t go because we don’t have the funds to go and I am not trying to be a Debbie downer.

I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry.

I’m sorry that I keep apologizing because after so many times it doesn’t sound sincere.

After saying I’m sorry for so many things in which blame is placed upon me and it truly isn’t my fault I feel like a broken record.

I was born to be a southern belle. The manners, the clothes, the hostess, the endless giving and the suppression of how I feel over how others feel. Some of those things aren’t so bad. And not saying how I really feel to protect other people’s feelings isn’t bad as long as I am not harming them or being untrue to myself. I am a very welcoming and giving person. It wasn’t just the southern upbringing either. If you brought your friends or family to my home and I served a meal and it was too hot I would apologize. If it was too salty or too whatever, I would profusely apologize. *For the record I did not make the southern belle cut. I was too brutally honest but nice and apologized for being so honest!

It’s a disease I have and I am working on curing it!

All too often I find myself and others, mostly women, who tend to apologize to soothe over hurt feelings and to diffuse situations.

I’ve noticed a pattern and when I am with another “apologetic” soul, I see myself when they get to the “let’s make them feel better” stage. Sometimes it makes people feel better and they stop griping about something. Other times a kind word and an apology, even though you both know the one issuing said apology is not the one who is at fault, can make all the difference in how someone’s day plays out.

But the insincere apologies and the apologies for things not our fault have got to stop!

One day you’ll find yourself apologizing to the telemarketer that called during family dinner because you were short with them and they got their feeling hurt. Everyone knows you can get off nicely with them and don’t have to apologize in the process! Since I dabbled in telemarketing and felt horrible about calling at dinner time I get it. However, when one acts rudely and put out because you don’t want to hear their pitch right in the middle of your aunt’s story of finding one of her kids in the dryer, you have to face reality. It’s okay to be nice and polite but to tell them to not call you during those hours. It’s okay to say No you don’t want to buy anything. If they persist tell them you only do business on the 2nd Tuesday of every 4th month during the full moon and to have a nice night. Then gently press the end button.

I’m just saying sometimes I am so over “I am sorry.”

I will keep hope alive that I can break myself of this bad, bad habit!


Commitments & Lady Maos

It seems lately I have been going along, trying to do the right things, keep up with responsibilities and always keep hope alive.

It isn’t always easy. It seems there are people who would rather cut you down and hurt you than just walk away.

Walking away isn’t easy nor is it for the faint of heart.

Oftentimes it is not easy to just walk away, especially if one has obligations they committed to in addition to doing what is best for all involved.

When I make a commitment I do my damnedest to stick to it.

I know I have let people down; I am so far from perfect I don’t even pretend to be in that category.

I have failed at relationships. I have also learned valuable lessons and been introduced to worlds and ideas I never knew existed.

I don’t nor could I discount something so easily when it was more than that.

I still work to be communicative and open even when things are ending because chances are good that we not only shared a relationship, but also other responsibilities together.

For anyone, whether it’s a child, home, furniture, CD/s, books, vehicles or any other random obligation, once you end a relationship with someone, you should finalize and complete your commitments.

I realize this can be hard.

It can be harder to do when feelings are hurt and one only wants to hurt another to make them feel the pain they are feeling.

Sadly, this is something I have witnessed and have had done to me.

Again, I never said I was perfect, but I do always work to honor those other factors that were put in place, in the “no matter what” category, to make sure no one else is responsible for something I said I would do. If I can’t make it happen, I am the one letting them know why and what I can do to try and make it better.

I have been told I am brutally and painfully honest at times.

I bite my tongue so often that the pain of it reminds me how much I can hurt others with not only my words but my actions or inactions.

Oftentimes my inactions are due to the very fact that if I did take action and spoke my mind I fear the repercussions would be far, far worse than not saying anything at all.

I have seen the dark side of humanity. I understand it and have a healthy fear of it.

Words and promises can be said a million times over but actions speak louder than words. “I’m sorry.” “I promise.” Words with power behind them to Mean something but overused and excused so often it becomes the patent response to shut one up.

When you’ve said or written something of importance and the response is “OK” sends me over the edge. Really? I tell you something important or how I feel and all you can muster up in that big brain of yours is “OK’?!

“OK” is fine for short texts when you’re planning dinner, meeting up, finalizing plans, etc. However, “Ok” when everyone knows more than one word is needed in the reply… even a “will talk more later” means worlds. “Ok” to me, means you don’t really care enough to respond. But you said you did.

I am so very fortunate and blessed to have so many amazing humans in my life that “get me”. That it seems no matter what happens they are there for me. Whether they be family, friends, past or new, I know that these people are There for me. In their own ways and as much as they can be.

I know that they accept me flaws and all.

Because they have proved to me time after time they are committed to our relationship.

They have flaws too. Every one of them. And will admit it, although not publically some of them and I don’t blame them.

After all, this is my blog. My thoughts. MY putting it out there into the world.

And I do it cautiously but also with a wild abandon glee that is like swinging high on the swings at the park when you’re a kid. That feeling of flying and not knowing what’s going to happen next but you pump your legs higher and you keep going because you know deep down this is what you love to do.

Writing is like that for me.

And those who know me, and the ones getting to know me seem to keep coming back and giving me constructive criticism and praise and I can’t tell you what it means to me.

Because it’s a commitment you see. A commitment to share my life, one day at a time my writing this “blog”. A commitment I made to myself and no one else.

I am growing more and more and hopefully becoming a better human being by doing this.

I don’t write the answers to the world’s problems, or even things that fit everyone. Each day is different. Each day is new. Each article is another part of me that I let out into the world.

Some days I have verbal diarrhea, haha like maybe today, and I write/vent/ramble more.

Other days I find humorous things, or interesting things or sometimes it is something I feel compelled to write. My writing may be lengthy with “not enough” videos, photos or whatever. It may be shorter articles with crazy photos and sayings I find on the internet, or better yet, real life photos from my world.

A very close friend, I will call them Captain Pogo, called me Lady Maos.

I laughed so hard I snorted! Since I love the word maos, chaos and mayhem, and use it as often as possible, being called Lady Maos made my day.

It also made me realize it’s so much a part of me just like being fabulously graceless is that I will be using it in my writings.

I know y’all are just thrilled!

So I will wrap up this long winded Wednesday thought provoking, insightful post by telling you all to Keep Hope Alive my Fabulously Graceless Friends!

I could not do this without the support of my loved ones and those of you who are seemly to become like family through the wonderful writings and musings of the world wide web!

Love and happiness to all!

Stay Fabulous!

Lady Maos aka Fabulous Gracelessness!

lady maoe