We all have expectations of some degree or another.

Many of us want/wish things would go smoothly and according to plans. If you have been on the planet any length of time you learn that is not the way that it is.

I know that money can buy many things, even make you happy for a time… did you know you can hire someone to hold your umbrella, your place in line and even carry a child for you?

What it can’t buy is true feelings of happiness deep down in your soul.

So many times we place far too much value on material items. We place expectations of our happiness on material things or things that are so far out of our reach but we are taught to reach for the stars. We forget about the lesson of what happens when we do not get what we want.

I often see people going through the motions of happiness but they are not truly happy. Maybe they are happy in some ways but not fully at peace with who they are. They feel they need more “stuff”. Maybe it isn’t the “stuff” that they need but the intangible peace that can only come from within.

I know sometimes if I get too comfortable in my own skin it becomes uncomfortable and I search for ways to stretch my creativity and my mind. I need more, but it isn’t always about material gain. If that is a by-product of the changes I choose then I consider that a bonus. I obviously have to maintain a certain criteria in order to take care of myself and the boy.

I know that there are so many times I feel that I fail to meet the expectations of others. As well as the expectations I set for myself. I feel like I can be too stubborn, too strict, too hard, too blunt, too much of all the things I should ease up on. Then I argue with myself on if not me, who will? It can become a quiet hell in my mind. On the outside, I actually appear sane and having it together. Inside it is like Armageddon and the end of the world as I know it.

The need to do good and what is right is never in question. It’s the road to getting there that can get narrow and long. It’s going about it my way when others have their perceptions of how I should be doing it. Not that there is always something wrong with their way or that I can’t see the benefits and may even incorporate all or some of their suggestions. It is when I chose what I feel is best for me and mine and I am chastised like a child or someone tries to put me down because “they know what’s best”. Maybe they do know what’s best, but I can guarantee that that don’t know what is best for me.

One of my favorite lines is “finding my way lost.” I heard the term and wrote on the line into my poems over 20 years ago. It still resonates within me all these many years later. When I first wrote on it I was in my early 20’s. I had certain perceptions of how life “should” be and how I could make it into how I thought I wanted it to work. I was so far off the mark as to how things should be and what paths I needed to take to get there. However, in taking that detour in my life, it broadened my perspective of not only me, but the wider world.

Sometimes life moves so very fast, it’s like it goes in slow motion for a short while and it is back on the train to crazy town. Your dreams either happen, change forms, or are tweaked to reflect your inner changes. Sometimes you aren’t able to achieve certain dreams. You can let that define how you go forward by wallowing in your own self-pity (been there). Try moving forward in a new direction. I’m not necessarily sure it’s the direction you need to be going but it needs to feel right. I recommend this one over the self-pity. Not that self-pity doesn’t have its moments but that is all, for me, that it needs to be is moments. I can’t get caught up repeating the same thing over and over for years and not getting anywhere close to where I want to be.

I dreamed of a family. Not only the family I was born into, but a larger, happier, crazier family mixed with both the biological and those who chose to join me on this journey. I dreamed of children, a partner to share it with, and always, those I deem famriends – friends that are family.

My famriend family is amazing. I have those I have a DNA link to as well as the other amazing humans that I have met on this incredible journey of life. People I will have in my life in some form or another until the end of this life’s journey.

I was blessed with one amazing miracle that chose me to be his mama. I was also blessed with several “nieces and nephews” prior to the boy’s arrival to help prepare me for when the time was right.

Not every part of my dream was like I expected it to be. Sometimes it was more than I could take and pain, despair, depression and misery took over. They occasionally make their appearance but I now know how to deal with them.

The best part is that I am still here, writing my story with every breath I take. I am responsible for loving and showing another human being how to start their own journey. I hope to be with him for many years but I know that whatever time I have with him, he will always know what love is and he knows how to find happiness. I pray I have the time to teach him how to nurture that and help him grow into the young man he will hopefully become.

We never know what tomorrow brings, so try and share yourself with those you love while you have the change.

Look at life from a different perspective. Step out of your comfort zone, if only a little bit. Take a chance and live! Share the joy, compassion and love with the world. Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all just made the effort to try to be kinder, more patient and understanding every day?!

These are the raw thoughts that have been on my mind. These are the things that keep me going. These things and of course, the amazing people that I share my life with.

Keep Hope Alive!