my thoughts

Christmas Eve is Here!!!!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

ce twas night b4

It’s Christmas Eve and throughout the motherland

Folks are running about, loud as marching bands

Last minute shopping and baking as such

Errands and visiting can be a bit much

Trying to hold on to the last thread of sanity

Knowing my actions don’t affect just me

Holding my tongue and smiling real big

Once it’s all done I may dance a jig

I pray for some peace and a little more sleep

But there’s so much to do as I’m in here quite deep

All at once I stop, take a breath, just breathe

The calm washes over me like the breeze in the trees

I’ll make it through this with joy in my heart

And tomorrow we do the loving Christmas part

Please take the day, if you can, and relax and enjoy

For I know I will be with my family and boy

I hope you all have a true fabulous day

Keep hope Alive and enjoy Christmas Eve play

ce santa

2 days ’til Christmas…my delusional mind

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 2 Comments

2 days til christmas

I am in denial that it is now 2 days until Christmas!

I am in denial that the boy may be sick, again, on Christmas.

It is like if I deny it and refuse to acknowledge it that it won’t happen so quickly. Like I am so cool that I can stop time or something. I know, delusional.

ch not denial accept my reality

Time can move so fast and also so damn slow. Right now it is flying by and I have so many things I Need to do, and believe me I have cut it back to the bare bones of Needs. Wants left a few days ago. Seriously.

I currently am writing with a small boy in my lap. He doesn’t feel good and I have a deadline. Twisted I know but whatever works. I have no delusions that I will get up earlier because I know me and that just doesn’t work out well for me, early mornings that is. I can set my clock with the best of intentions and I can make it to early morning appointments because they aren’t in the house. However, if I set the alarm and try to get up and get more done in the mornings, that Murphy dude will mess with my plans and life changes its course and nothing I need to get done will get done. Could be part of the reason I am a night owl! Even if I have to stop working on the computer to hold the boy and comfort him and fall asleep, I will get back up and finish before I lay down for the night. Weird I know.

It is not even cold outside. Rainy and overcast but the temperatures are again in the 60’s and 70’s… it is officially “winter” according to the calendar I need my cold weather! This change in temperature is messing with a lot of folks, because it doesn’t feel like Christmas in Alabama and it throws off the body in ways that make myself and others feel like we’ve been hit by trains, planes and automobiles. That is the watered down version too!

lalal little girl

Today is what some call Christmas Eve Eve. I’m not even ready for the actual Christmas eve!

I keep reminding myself that the boy and the other children are taken care of. Food will be made and we will be with family and friends. Those are the things that matter most to me.

I know I will keep hope alive. For I can only do those things that I can get done. All else will have to wait.

I am wishing you all a peaceful and fabulous Wednesday!

Only do the things that matter the most! Love those you’re with and take care of things to the best of your ability.

Always keep hope alive!

christmas is coming

I can breathe again, my miracle is with me

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

My heart is home. I feel so much lighter. I can breathe better. He is a part of me and I am a part of him. A bond that nothing can break. A love that goes beyond anything I have ever imagined and cannot put into words.

It’s so hard to “share” a child. Sometimes life throws you curves you just didn’t even see coming when a miracle happens.

I prayed for so many years to have a child.

After a while, I didn’t care how it happened I just knew I was supposed to be a mommy.

I saw and dreamed of a child. I seriously thought I was crazy at times. The child from my visions had blonde hair and blue eyes. Their coloring didn’t match mine but it is what I saw. I prayed.

Years went by. I researched ways to become a mommy through all kinds of avenues. There are tons of options but most of them cost more than I could afford. It didn’t help my body decided to play some sort of twisted game of let’s mess with her hormones, her baby making parts and her mind. 8 surgeries, not necessarily to get pregnant but to at least clear a path and relieve me of discomfort.

Then it finally happened. In a very old fashioned, unplanned and completely unexpected way.

God, the universe and my GrandMaMa have a heck of a sense of humor. On my 39th birthday, 6 years ago, I Prayed. I asked that I please be given some sort of sign if this child of my visions and dreams was to come from me.

A month later, I was pregnant. I was also terrified. My situation wasn’t exactly ideal; however, I knew that this was my sign. If this was meant to be, then this was the ride I was taking.

It hasn’t been easy. There has been pain, loss and heartache along the way. I’ve lost people in my life both because of the relationship that his father and I don’t have as well as people who are no longer on this ride with me. Like my grandparents and my Daddy.

Hand to God my boy is The Absolute Best thing that I have contributed to the universe as a whole. It’s like everything else was a prelude to this beautiful creature that lived inside me like an alien for 38 weeks. This child that I am responsible for, that I would do anything for… I am responsible for teaching him, nurturing him and loving him unconditionally. There is so much it overwhelms me. It brings me to my knees.

I am so far from perfect. I make mistakes. Usually huge big ones that end poorly. You can fill in the cracks of those with the many little ones I make far too often.

I also know how to love unconditionally. I still know how to be a kid. I am learning how to walk that line of parent and friend. Sometimes I have to be more parent because of our situation, but I know he loves me unconditionally and he wants to understand why things are the way they are.

He is still so innocent yet understands far more about life and death and how some people can be so kind and others so cruel. He is just 5 years old, yet he has seen far more of death that many adults. All up in his little face and he teaches others of eternal love. He does not forget.

He is so much like me and so much his own self.

I want to do so much more for him and I also want him to learn to do so much more for others.

I love that he gives his all and loves so big. He still snuggles.

I know life can change in an instant.

I know that there isn’t a day, hours, minutes that goes by that I don’t think of him and my heart swells more than I thought was possible.

I know I have no idea how much time any of us have. But I do know, that I am so blessed beyond measure that that boy chose me to be his mommy.

I know that miracles happen, prayers are answered and no matter what, I do everything in my power to keep him along the loving, happy paths he will take. I will follow him into the woods to get him back on a peaceful path for as long as I am able. After I am gone, he will always know he has me on his side. After all, he is a part of me. And I am a part of him.

Keep Hope Alive.

Hope brought me a miracle. You could say he’s my Christmas miracle. Believe. Never, ever, ever give up!

Peaceful, patient Monday Christmas countdown

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes I can’t believe how fast time moves. And other times it is so slow,

I can’t believe we are only days away from Christmas. I try to be so positive and sometimes plans and life just don’t work out the way you want them to.

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Sometimes I have to set a course for what is best for me and mine. It isn’t always the easiest course but in my soul I know it’s the best one for me. I may not always be able to articulate it to others, and I am learning that is okay.

I just have to get through and I have to be me. it may seem selfish or like I am dropping my basket some, and I do, though not everyone sees that either. But I will pick it up and move on, because it is what I choose to do.

IMG_7836

Whatever course I take I know I will do the absolute best as I see it for everyone. Each life touches another. Sometimes the link falls but if we are true and patient the link falls back into place. Patience is hard and can be extremely hard this time of year. We miss those we love, we get irritated at others, we lash out when we don’t need to and don’t speak when we do. Finding a peaceful balance is what is the hardest to do. Yet I never give up. I keep hope alive. Always.

I have an amazing miracle as well as so many others to never give up and always, always have HOPE.

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Wishing you all a peaceful, patient Monday my fabulous friends.

 

5 days til Christmas, social media break and making it through

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

I can’t believe the countdown until Christmas is only 5 days away!

I am seriously not ready and still have so much to do. I am just trying to hang on to those things right in front of me and the things that need to be done that I can do.

I have even stepped away from social media for the past 48 hours in order to try and get things together. Something I normally wouldn’t do as I keep in touch with many family and friends through it but sometimes you just have to realize you need to stop!

Between getting into the grove of the new job which included a very early start Friday, a late afternoon client visit and being on call this weekend, I am struggling. Not to mention that the lovely weather here in sweet home Alabama has wreaked havoc on my body and the joyous *sarcastic drip* migraines that I am prone to have also decided now is the time to visit.

My phone and texts have blown up and I have been struggling to respond and answer, missing several, of course. It’s a learning curve and one that is painful, icky but enlightening all the same.

Oh and we are 5 days out to D-day and this is first time I have ever been this far behind on actual Christmas things I get done! It’s one thing to not mail cards, but I haven’t finished shopping, creating, ordering and I still have to cook. All of those things which I will do in some fashion somehow some way in the next 4 days! Keep hope alive! I have to believe it because I know it’s true.

One of the many calls I have had this weekend was from a caregiver who sits with a family for their mother. Yesterday our client was taken back to the hospital and her prognosis does not look good. Not only is it right at Christmas, but her and I share a birthday. Being in this industry for so many years I understand what the final outcome will be. It still doesn’t make it any easier and I haven’t even met this client yet. The way things look I most likely will not get to meet her. It’s another reminder of how fragile life is and how I am once again in an industry where I feel like I am responsible for someone’s life other than mine and my child’s. It is a scary good feeling but also very humbling.

It is a hard time of the year for so many for so many reasons.

We never know how much time we have or that we have with others. I know I have family and friends who are not well and I pray that I get to talk or see them again before it is too late. We all have guilt, or some of us do, and we want to do and go and see more, but we can’t always do what we want to do.

I wanted a lazy weekend. I was fortunate to somewhat get it but not necessarily in the way that I had hoped. I wanted to also get things done. Yes, I understand that sounds conflicting but for me it isn’t… it’s just how I am. I didn’t get everything done I wanted to get done. I didn’t get to be lazy like I wanted either. Not completely but I am OK with that. I chose to be OK with it because otherwise, I end up feeling guilty and bad and wish I had got more done and there I am wishing away today for what I didn’t get done the day before.

So now I hopefully can move forward and get a few things accomplished. It is kind of cool to put an unplanned self-imposed kabash on your social media time. I do know when I get back on later that I will spend probably an hour just responding to things I had commented on or conversations I was having prior to me just dropping off like that.

I am keeping hope alive for a fabulously glorious day!

I wish you all the same.

Good luck with the Christmas countdown!

And for all of the others, Happy Festivus for the rest of ya!

 

 

Crazy weather, the holidays – may the odds be ever in your favor!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Finally it’s cold enough that I can see my breath when I am outside! It’s about time but then it’s December here in the motherland of Alabama.

alabama sign

4 days ago I was wishing I was rocking a pedicure so I could wear sandals. I don’t think flip flops would fly at the office, although I keep scrubs in my car in case I have to fill in at a client’s home, why not just toss in other shoes too?

For the last 2 days it has been cold. Not cool but genuinely wear a heavy jacket if you’re outside at all cold. This may mean nothing to some, but here the drastic drop in temperature means hauling out a whole new wardrobe that I had pushed back because we had a cold “snap” and then warm weather again. We are on countdown to less than a week until Christmas and it’s just getting cold!

happy holidays

We finally hit freezing where I am and I would love for it to stay this way for a bit.

Bonus is the “projected forecasts” say it will be in the 70’s on Christmas day!

Psychotic weather here in the Heart of Dixie!

fire n fight heart of dixie

It’s interesting how it can affect your mood and your psyche when you are accustomed to cooler weather during a holiday and it feel like spring or one of those Indian summer days we have.

I have been working to get into the Christmas spirit and one of the things I love is the cold weather. I love having the change of seasons. If I would have wanted 60 – 80-degree weather at this time of year I would have stayed in Florida or California. Or moved to Hawaii where it is just heaven, to me, whatever time you are there. Not to get lost on those daydreams, but I can’t help it when we keep having the warmer weather.

When it finally cooled down it was like holy crap Christmas is a bit over week away! I have to get busy and get things wrapped up for the holidays!

merry christmas

I haven’t finished doing all my shopping, I have sent zero Christmas cards… and I had such grand ideas of what I wanted to do too! So to my lovelies, who you know if I have your address, you were going to get cards but let’s not count on it! I apologize in advance for being such a slacker but I blame it on the new job, which I love, and the weather!

happy chanukah

So Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah & Happy Festivus. If you don’t celebrate any of that Happy Chaotic Everyone Else’s Holiday season!

happy festivus

I am headed to get busy on those things I can’t let slip up for the kids and I am sure I will be making food for a few days for friends and family. Need to shop and things to do. I am finally starting that list.I know you’re thrilled.

All while enjoying this cooler weather while we have it and I am a bit more motivated when it was too warm for Christmas thoughts for me. Hopefully that will also involve copious amounts of sleep too. I am a bit desperate for it… I keep hearing that chic from The Hunger Games, “May the odds be ever in your favor!” It’s mocking me!

may the odds be ever in ur favor

Fabulous Gracelessness A.k.a. Lady Maos is sticking to her tried and true motto:

KEEP HOPE ALIVE!

Have a fabulous day my friends!

Good manners and kindness should be a part of everyday life

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Growing up in the south I was taught from an early age to mind my manners.

Yes mam, no mam, thank you mam please. It was a little chant I was taught. And of course yes sir and no sir.

I was taught to be polite, respect my elders and not interrupt others when talking unless it was an emergency. I was taught to think of others and to be kind. Failure to mind my manners could find me in a lot of trouble with my parents and grandparents.

I still say mam and sir to people, both younger and older and even my age. It comes from getting in trouble enough that I just said mam to all females and sir to all males. It isn’t always easy and I do slip up sometimes, but for the majority of the time, I stick to what I feel is the right way to be.

I am teaching my boy to “mind his manners” and raise him the way I was raised. Sometimes it is a challenge.

It seems to many, that manners and being polite and kind to others isn’t on the top of their list of priorities.

This is something I truly cannot understand. I realize that the mam and sir are more southern, but manners and consideration of others is something that should matter to everyone.

We have a society of “me” people. People who seem to forget or don’t care about others. If you ask them “Would you like a drink?” we get a “yeah sure” instead of “yes, please.” Still 2 words but just nicer.

My boy is 5 and when he gets excited he sometimes forgets and interrupts myself and others. I gently remind him to wait and he will apologize. What is sad that so many adults feel like they have the right to interrupt anyone and say what they please with no regards to how it may make someone feel. If adults do this and children see it, why wouldn’t a kid mimic said adult?

We need to think of others instead of being so selfish. We need to stop and think before we open out mouths. We need to be a bit more compassionate towards others.

Tis the season to help others. Why not start with the first person you see today? Why not try to at least go out of your way to be nice and use your manners every day for the rest of the year? It isn’t that much longer, only 2 more weeks.

I challenge you! Maybe it will stick with you and you will carry it over into the new year. Just think if everyone helped one person a day and said kind words and used their manners for the next two weeks how many people could be affected? It would be a bowl full of positive. It’s worth a try!

Keep Hope Alive!

We can do this!

Finding my groove again

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

I have recently started a new job and I love it. However, after not working full time for about a year, I am struggling to get back into some sort of groove. I knew it would be challenging, but I didn’t know it would be quite this hard.

On the plus side, I truly love what I am doing. I have an awesome, understanding boss and it is very close to home. I do have to drive across town some, but it is totally worth it because I believe in our mission and I love helping people. I feel like I actually have a career again, something I did not have with my last full time job. I am making about half of what I made, but I have opportunity for advancement and know I can help grow the company. People need the services we provide, and having been on both sides of the field, I have a broader and understand the needs of both the clients and the caregivers. Yes, I need the money but I know that I don’t want to just work for more money and be completely miserable. It isn’t worth it and it isn’t fair to me or mine.

My biggest challenge has been managing my time so that I am still fully there for the boy and keeping up with my blog on a daily basis. The first is easy in some ways. I will always be there for him I just have to figure out how I can rearrange things so we can continue to do things together in shorter amounts of time.

I can’t stop writing; I think a part of me would be lost without my blog. It’s funny how something I started on the side has grown into something that fills me up.

I am already loosing time with friends and family because my free time is not as abundant as it once was. Even when I had more free time, I was cramming it so full of things that I was not getting things done. Then I get stressed and sick and then nothing gets done.

So in a way going back to full time work is forcing me to be better with my time management. I am nowhere close but I am getting there. Keep hope alive! It’s the best motto for me.

We often get so caught up in our own lives and our own needs, in what we think is important, that we forget those things that matter most. We forget to look at life from a different perspective. It isn’t always easy and it is easier to rationalize to ourselves that the way we are doing/seeing something is the best course. But if we look closely and examine it, we realize that we are doing what is best for us or easier for us or so we think. It is hard to think otherwise. It is easy to be selfish and blame life or circumstances for why we can’t follow through or be there for someone. Sometimes it is the truth. Other times it is an excuse because we don’t want to look too hard at the things that really matter. It can be depressing.

Life is so precious. We never know how much time we have. I know I don’t want to waste another second on regrets. I have too many as it is. I work to turn my regrets into life learning experiences. Not all of them are but I am learning that sometimes I can find a small morsel that I can learn from. I do my best to not repeat the things that cause the regret in the first place.

So today I am moving forward with hope and positive thoughts. I am going to banish the negativity and not be as hard on myself. I can be my own worst critic.

As one of my wonderfully, fabulously close friend says, “It’s a great day to be alive!” It is. No matter what crazy life thing happens, we woke up alive. We may have aches and pains, there may be fear or drama or things out of our control, but we can control how we react to people, places and situations.

Choose to be positive. Choose to keep hope alive. Choose life.

I hope you all have a fabulously wonderful Wednesday.

Much hope, happiness and positive thoughts,

Lady Maos

 

 

The start of the week before Christmas

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Ahhhhhh here we are at the beginning of another fabulous week! And not just any week but the week before Christmas.

I’m sure most folks have done their shopping, got things in order and are ready for the holiday. For me, yeah, I am still behind! But that’s OK by me because I am at peace with it. Finally. It seems after all these years it took me having a child and being laid off from my job to realize other  things that are more important.

I quit the black Friday shopping about 20 years ago. If I couldn’t find what I needed for family and friends then it wasn’t necessary. Over 15 years ago I realized it didn’t matter if I bought presents or made them. If the recipient wanted something I couldn’t afford and was upset about it, then I didn’t need to be doing something for them. After losing family and friends my circle shrank even more. I always made sure the children in my life, and ones I didn’t know, had Christmas because I love seeing the beauty of Christmas magic through a child’s eyes.

When my son was born I wasn’t working. His first Christmas he was only 3 months old and well, there isn’t a lot a 3 month old needs as far as toys! For his second Christmas, and him being the first and only grandchild in both families, it was a bit of overkill. He had so much that he literally couldn’t play with everything. It seemed to happen the next year too.

By his 3rd Christmas, his father and I were no longer together so I think we both tried to make up in some way for us not all being together. (For the record, we swap Christmas eve each year so that he gets to be with both families on Christmas day. Yes, it can be challenging but this way he gets to be with both of us.)

Last year I scaled back a bit and he was just as happy. After all, he gets two Christmases and he is not wanting for anything. This year I have scaled back even further. I also realized I was letting Santa get too much credit for all the hard work I put into each gift for him. I did this with his birthday and it seemed to work out well. He gets so much from friends and family so I no longer worry he will feel like he is “missing out.”

Plus, I am teaching him the joy of giving to others as well as spending time with family and friends.

It’s been a rough year for me financially and I really don’t want to loose the little ground I have gained on a bunch of toys that will be set aside or forgotten because there is an abundance from everyone else.I have been blessed with wonderful friends and family who help me out too, but I do want to be able to provide for him myself.

Part of me providing is teaching him how material things aren’t what is important but that the love and time spent with friends and family is. It isn’t an easy task when every paper, commercial and store has “Toys that You Need” splattered across every surface that you can see. He loves to say, “I want that!” with every commercial or circular sent in the mail. So I asked him what he really wanted. If he could have just 3 things what he would really want. I told him to think about it and get back with me. That boy continues to amaze me. He wanted his Pops in heaven, his Jethro dog, also in heaven and maybe some toys that Santa or mommy thinks he would like. Let’s say it together now, “Ahhhhhhhh!”

Of course within the next hour when he was watching television he said, “This toy could be one of the ones you get for me mommy!” about 15 times! But still. I think he’s understanding you can’t always buy the gifts he “thinks” he wants. He is understanding that people, and animals, are more important than all of the material items he can get. Don’t get me wrong, he is a 5 year old boy and loves his toys, but he loves his family and friends too. He will chose people over things most of the time.

So I am not sweating the small stuff this year. I know that my friends and family understand my financial challenges. I am hoping to spend time and good meals with them. Those important things. Not to say I won’t give and receive a few gifts, but I am looking forward to the time with them. Not what I get or give.

I hope you all have a fabulous Monday.

Don’t knock yourself out or go into debt this season. Enjoy those you love if you can, and if not, plan for before or after, just get together!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Newsflash…I am not perfect!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 4 Comments

The fact is I have never, nor will I ever be perfect. I make mistakes. I let people down. It’s not that I want to let others down, but sometimes life happens and I can’t do all that I want or said I would do.

I forget things sometimes.

I have the best of intentions and seem to always say, “Yes, I will do it!” And I mean it. I want to do it or take care of it. I end up overloading myself and sometimes, I do so much and keep going until a sickness or my body knocks me down. Yet I still keep trying to go on.

Sometimes I don’t do things fast enough for others. I am working on teaching the boy patience, but I don’t expect to have to explain patience to adults. More often than not they can be worse than my 5 year old in the patience department. I am also guilty of being impatient.

I have flaws. Lots of them. People can chose to accept me for them or walk away.

Sometimes I get frustrated or angry and raise my voice. Then I feel guilt for snapping.

I don’t always handle things like they should be handled.

Sometimes I drop my basket and loose my shit.

I forget that I am human.

It’s like I try so hard to make sure everyone else is taken care of, happy and getting what they need that I forget to take care of myself. I then find myself resentful but have no one to blame but myself.

Right now I am working on finding my balance. .

At one point in my life I had my life much more organized. I was cheery most of the time. I worked long hours but I loved my job. I may have grouched some but I was still able to keep myself in check and get everything done that I needed to get done. I also didn’t have my boy and the life priorities I have now. In some ways it was easier, yet it was also hard too.

After my miracle boy came along, I let a few things slide. When his father and I realized we could no longer live together I know I made many mistakes. However, I also realized that no matter what we were his parents and good or bad, I would make sure he knew that I was always there for him. Loving him no matter what. Sometimes I fail miserably but yet he knows, as he has told me, that everyone makes mistakes and he loves me no matter what. He knows mommy will always be there for him and that I put him first.

So my my attitude, my demeanor, my thoughts, my car, my home and other things may not be perfect, but I know that his love for me and my love for him is perfect. That makes my mistakes and my colossal errors at bit easier to handle.

I have started again working full time after a year of not. I am dropping things left and right. I am still trying to find my balance. Still, I know that he loves me no matter what. I am also beyond blessed to have people in my life that love me and accept me for me. Flaws and all.

So if you are expecting perfection from me, I am afraid I can’t always deliver. I can, however, promise you that I will admit my mistakes, my flaws and my imperfections. I also know that to one little boy, he finds me perfect and never judges me because he knows that my love for him is built on a solid foundation of unconditional love.

So if you find yourself frustrated and irritated at not being perfect at something, realize we are all human. It is a part of life and try to work to make it better.

No one is perfect. Although we can be perfect for each other.

Keep Hope Alive!