I can breathe again, my miracle is with me


My heart is home. I feel so much lighter. I can breathe better. He is a part of me and I am a part of him. A bond that nothing can break. A love that goes beyond anything I have ever imagined and cannot put into words.

It’s so hard to “share” a child. Sometimes life throws you curves you just didn’t even see coming when a miracle happens.

I prayed for so many years to have a child.

After a while, I didn’t care how it happened I just knew I was supposed to be a mommy.

I saw and dreamed of a child. I seriously thought I was crazy at times. The child from my visions had blonde hair and blue eyes. Their coloring didn’t match mine but it is what I saw. I prayed.

Years went by. I researched ways to become a mommy through all kinds of avenues. There are tons of options but most of them cost more than I could afford. It didn’t help my body decided to play some sort of twisted game of let’s mess with her hormones, her baby making parts and her mind. 8 surgeries, not necessarily to get pregnant but to at least clear a path and relieve me of discomfort.

Then it finally happened. In a very old fashioned, unplanned and completely unexpected way.

God, the universe and my GrandMaMa have a heck of a sense of humor. On my 39th birthday, 6 years ago, I Prayed. I asked that I please be given some sort of sign if this child of my visions and dreams was to come from me.

A month later, I was pregnant. I was also terrified. My situation wasn’t exactly ideal; however, I knew that this was my sign. If this was meant to be, then this was the ride I was taking.

It hasn’t been easy. There has been pain, loss and heartache along the way. I’ve lost people in my life both because of the relationship that his father and I don’t have as well as people who are no longer on this ride with me. Like my grandparents and my Daddy.

Hand to God my boy is The Absolute Best thing that I have contributed to the universe as a whole. It’s like everything else was a prelude to this beautiful creature that lived inside me like an alien for 38 weeks. This child that I am responsible for, that I would do anything for… I am responsible for teaching him, nurturing him and loving him unconditionally. There is so much it overwhelms me. It brings me to my knees.

I am so far from perfect. I make mistakes. Usually huge big ones that end poorly. You can fill in the cracks of those with the many little ones I make far too often.

I also know how to love unconditionally. I still know how to be a kid. I am learning how to walk that line of parent and friend. Sometimes I have to be more parent because of our situation, but I know he loves me unconditionally and he wants to understand why things are the way they are.

He is still so innocent yet understands far more about life and death and how some people can be so kind and others so cruel. He is just 5 years old, yet he has seen far more of death that many adults. All up in his little face and he teaches others of eternal love. He does not forget.

He is so much like me and so much his own self.

I want to do so much more for him and I also want him to learn to do so much more for others.

I love that he gives his all and loves so big. He still snuggles.

I know life can change in an instant.

I know that there isn’t a day, hours, minutes that goes by that I don’t think of him and my heart swells more than I thought was possible.

I know I have no idea how much time any of us have. But I do know, that I am so blessed beyond measure that that boy chose me to be his mommy.

I know that miracles happen, prayers are answered and no matter what, I do everything in my power to keep him along the loving, happy paths he will take. I will follow him into the woods to get him back on a peaceful path for as long as I am able. After I am gone, he will always know he has me on his side. After all, he is a part of me. And I am a part of him.

Keep Hope Alive.

Hope brought me a miracle. You could say he’s my Christmas miracle. Believe. Never, ever, ever give up!

Peaceful, patient Monday Christmas countdown


Sometimes I can’t believe how fast time moves. And other times it is so slow,

I can’t believe we are only days away from Christmas. I try to be so positive and sometimes plans and life just don’t work out the way you want them to.

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Sometimes I have to set a course for what is best for me and mine. It isn’t always the easiest course but in my soul I know it’s the best one for me. I may not always be able to articulate it to others, and I am learning that is okay.

I just have to get through and I have to be me. it may seem selfish or like I am dropping my basket some, and I do, though not everyone sees that either. But I will pick it up and move on, because it is what I choose to do.

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Whatever course I take I know I will do the absolute best as I see it for everyone. Each life touches another. Sometimes the link falls but if we are true and patient the link falls back into place. Patience is hard and can be extremely hard this time of year. We miss those we love, we get irritated at others, we lash out when we don’t need to and don’t speak when we do. Finding a peaceful balance is what is the hardest to do. Yet I never give up. I keep hope alive. Always.

I have an amazing miracle as well as so many others to never give up and always, always have HOPE.

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Wishing you all a peaceful, patient Monday my fabulous friends.

 

New traditions and Gingerbread houses


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Last night the boy and I finally put together the Gingerbread house he had be given. It seemed simple enough when I looked at it. 5 main pieces, a tree, 3 ginger folks and a dog/cat creature. It appears that it would only take about 30 minutes-ish so we eagerly started the project.

The boy wanted it to look like the picture on the box. My first thought was I’m making him OCD like me and I worried. I knew that I would try my damnedest to make it look that that. About halfway through, I realized it would not look like the pretty house on the box. After all, I am fabulously graceless and he is my offspring. I suggested we make it custom for us. He agreed it would be “more funner” that way and that our would look so much better! Bless him!

After an hour we finally finished! From the walls, to the icing glue (and boy does that stuff set fast) to the fruit candy and M&M decor, we had it completed! Then we saw the package of the spinkle thingys – teeny tiny little balls that looked festive. Straight from hell is more like it as when you carefully dumped them where you wanted them to land, they bounced everywhere and only half ended up where we wanted them. *Ahem. The other half was on the table and the floor that was just cleaned yesterday. But he loved it. He went on and on about how our Gingerbread house looked so awesome and he was so proud of it. It was worth every bit of irritation and biting my tongue as to not say words he doesn’t need to learn.

He then said, “Mommy we need to do this every year!” I smiled and of course told him we would add it to our Christmas traditions. Of course, I mentally noted that a good strong adult beverage for me will be had before we start the next one!

He is so excited about the holidays. He loves the decoration and to help. Helping my mom with the tree a few weeks ago, we realized how we had basically done the decorating with everything in it’s place, to look festive and beautiful. What we were missing was his touch. The clumping of ornaments, the placing of decorations in places we would never think to put them and his general ideas of a “new way” of doing things. Somehow, it made it even better and more special.

He wanted me to make sure I had the reindeer food ready for Christmas Eve and has informed me that Santa wants homemade cookies this year and not the ones from the store. So we will be baking a small batch of peanut butter cookies because hey, if Santa’s going to eat them I might as well make my favorite, right?!

Last year he was with his dad on Christmas Eve and I had to make a batch of reindeer food for him to take with him. Reindeer food consists of uncooked oatmeal and glitter. Not some fancy smancy hard to create dish as there is enough going on without me having to make something complicated. I also had to make sure it was scattered on our porch so that when he came home he could see how messy the reindeer were and how they ate the food we had prepared for them.

Christmas is magical for a child. The wonder of it all. The lights, festivities, mangers, Santa and elves. The carols we sing and the things we do to ensure that everyone is happy.

Presents are great but I love that he loves all of the other stuff and that isn’t the main thing. Of course he loves getting gifts but he is happy with whatever he gets. At least at this age. That could all change soon I know but for now I am happy that he finds joy in those little things. He loves creating traditions and doing things from my childhood and incorporating new things. Like the Gingerbread house this year!

In the weeks leading up to Christmas we watch all kinds of Christmas movies. He loves the classics – Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph, Santa Claus is coming to town, Charlie Brown Christmas, The Nightmare before Christmas and of course the Grinch. Each year we add a new movie to our collection to watch.

Before he arrived in my life, I think I was getting a bit more bah humbug. Now I am not even allowed the option! I couldn’t be happier about it to be honest. Yes, it can be work but he is worth every minute of it.

We are always looking for new things to try and ways to enjoy the holidays together. I think we have achieved that already this year and we still have a bit over a week before the actual day.

I hope you are all having a fabulous week and not too frazzled over this holiday season!

Never forget to keep hope alive! Believe me I chanted it a lot while making that Gingerbread house and it turned out pretty good. Plus it made my boy smile a bit wider and throw his arms around me and tell me how much he loves me and how much fun I make Christmas for him. To me, that’s the best present there is.

Have a fabulous Tuesday my friends!

Check out our custom Gingerbread house!

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The start of the week before Christmas


Ahhhhhh here we are at the beginning of another fabulous week! And not just any week but the week before Christmas.

I’m sure most folks have done their shopping, got things in order and are ready for the holiday. For me, yeah, I am still behind! But that’s OK by me because I am at peace with it. Finally. It seems after all these years it took me having a child and being laid off from my job to realize other  things that are more important.

I quit the black Friday shopping about 20 years ago. If I couldn’t find what I needed for family and friends then it wasn’t necessary. Over 15 years ago I realized it didn’t matter if I bought presents or made them. If the recipient wanted something I couldn’t afford and was upset about it, then I didn’t need to be doing something for them. After losing family and friends my circle shrank even more. I always made sure the children in my life, and ones I didn’t know, had Christmas because I love seeing the beauty of Christmas magic through a child’s eyes.

When my son was born I wasn’t working. His first Christmas he was only 3 months old and well, there isn’t a lot a 3 month old needs as far as toys! For his second Christmas, and him being the first and only grandchild in both families, it was a bit of overkill. He had so much that he literally couldn’t play with everything. It seemed to happen the next year too.

By his 3rd Christmas, his father and I were no longer together so I think we both tried to make up in some way for us not all being together. (For the record, we swap Christmas eve each year so that he gets to be with both families on Christmas day. Yes, it can be challenging but this way he gets to be with both of us.)

Last year I scaled back a bit and he was just as happy. After all, he gets two Christmases and he is not wanting for anything. This year I have scaled back even further. I also realized I was letting Santa get too much credit for all the hard work I put into each gift for him. I did this with his birthday and it seemed to work out well. He gets so much from friends and family so I no longer worry he will feel like he is “missing out.”

Plus, I am teaching him the joy of giving to others as well as spending time with family and friends.

It’s been a rough year for me financially and I really don’t want to loose the little ground I have gained on a bunch of toys that will be set aside or forgotten because there is an abundance from everyone else.I have been blessed with wonderful friends and family who help me out too, but I do want to be able to provide for him myself.

Part of me providing is teaching him how material things aren’t what is important but that the love and time spent with friends and family is. It isn’t an easy task when every paper, commercial and store has “Toys that You Need” splattered across every surface that you can see. He loves to say, “I want that!” with every commercial or circular sent in the mail. So I asked him what he really wanted. If he could have just 3 things what he would really want. I told him to think about it and get back with me. That boy continues to amaze me. He wanted his Pops in heaven, his Jethro dog, also in heaven and maybe some toys that Santa or mommy thinks he would like. Let’s say it together now, “Ahhhhhhhh!”

Of course within the next hour when he was watching television he said, “This toy could be one of the ones you get for me mommy!” about 15 times! But still. I think he’s understanding you can’t always buy the gifts he “thinks” he wants. He is understanding that people, and animals, are more important than all of the material items he can get. Don’t get me wrong, he is a 5 year old boy and loves his toys, but he loves his family and friends too. He will chose people over things most of the time.

So I am not sweating the small stuff this year. I know that my friends and family understand my financial challenges. I am hoping to spend time and good meals with them. Those important things. Not to say I won’t give and receive a few gifts, but I am looking forward to the time with them. Not what I get or give.

I hope you all have a fabulous Monday.

Don’t knock yourself out or go into debt this season. Enjoy those you love if you can, and if not, plan for before or after, just get together!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

He grows so fast


As he sleeps I watch him.

He has grown so much. It seems I see changes in him daily.

Where has my baby gone?

He still snuggles and loves his mama, but he is getting so big.

I know all children grow up.

I know my son will grow up. He will start to not need me as much. I understand it is the way of life.

I want him to grow up. I want him to be healthy and happy.

I have no expectations that I place on him other than to be kind to others and true to himself. To love completely, to be honest, to be compassionate. I do my best as he is the greatest gift I have ever been given and my greatest contribution to this world.

Those responsibilities are awesome.

I want to freeze time. He is my only baby and I could never imagine not having him in my life now that he’s here. Even when I am, now repeating, things I never thought I would hear myself say, I can’t imagine not having him. “You have to wear clothes at the table, including pants.” It is now hard to not grin when I say it. I get it little man. Being naked is fun but you’re 5 now and it’s ok at home, with no company sometimes, but you know you have to wear clothes to the table!

He is truly a miracle. I was told I couldn’t have children or that it would be a “miracle” if I conceived without treatments. Needless to say he is a miracle.

At one of my baby showers, my cake said “Better you than me!” and I completely understood. After all I was 39, my friend, my same age, had a 14-year-old at the time. But we all knew this child was a miracle. And the universe has a sense of humor!

The Boy sighs and turns over. Like he knows I am here he stretches out his little arm and I hold his hand. He smiles in his sleep. I whisper, “Mommy loves you always, no matter what.” He smiles and murmurs.

This is beautiful. This is paradise.

No matter what else is going on in my life or the world, the moments like this make every crappy day, all the painful moments, everything that that may be bad in the world, completely fade out and all that I feel is this overwhelming love.

He no longer looks so baby-ish and it seems his arms and legs grew longer in just the past 24 hours.

But watching him sleep, I see him as I saw him 5 years ago. My tiny baby miracle boy.

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I am so glad he chose me to be his mommy.

Have a wonderful day and keep hope alive!

Ramblings on a Tuesday


There are times that I have so much going on inside of my mind that I get to the point I have no idea what I want to write about. Setting a deadline for oneself can be a true challenge. I know I am harder on me than most people are, but I can’t help it. I am working on that!

Writing is such as release, such freedom and it helps me from the inside out. It is also a beast to have words, stories, poems and thoughts in one’s head and not be able to convey or articulate what one is feeling.

We can go through so many emotions in a short span of time. Elation, embarrassment, anger, love, hurt, depression, joy and shock. Just a few of the emotions that can be experienced on any given day all within hours, or even minutes.

You thrilled to be celebrating your latest achievement. You realize that your friend who is celebrating with you has had one too many celebratory drinks and is now talking you up to the local bowling club. The rude person in the other car is weaving in and out of traffic, nearly causing accidents and gets your blood boiling on the way home. You get home and find a love letter from your child but find out that a relative has left you off the guest list for a family party because you aren’t important enough. You wander to the kitchen to find your loved one picked up your favorite ice cream. As you are savoring the delicious treat the phone rings and you find out someone you love was in a fatal car accident.

Life changes in an instant. We never know what tomorrow will hold, or the next moment.

We toss out words like “love” and “hate” with no real feeling behind them. Lip service to appease.

I know my “I love you” is sincere, but I question others. Not the ones that I know love me, but those who say it to try to get on my good side or get something from me. I got my BS detector ages ago and I know how to use it!

It may just be me, but it seems the “love thy neighbor as you love thyself” is forgotten because you don’t even know your neighbor. You just judge them because they were loud last weekend when you were supposed to get to sleep in but they had a birthday party for their kid and it got a bit rowdy. Did you even go by and say hello, offer to help or do you just assume that they are bad people because of one incident?

I was convinced one of my neighbors had unruly children. I could hear them in the yard with their loud talking, trash talk and bashing of others. Then I heard them at it again, except this time, mama must have come home early. Because then I hear her, voiced raised, “We live in a nice neighborhood. Voices carry. You are all acting as if you were raised in the wild. You were not taught this way nor will this continue.” I sit, hidden, on my porch silently cheering for the mama and feeling guilty because I was being judgmental.

Truth be told if someone heard me and my boy sometimes it could sound like we are good old rednecks acting crazy in the yard. We are acting a bit crazy as we ride bikes, draw with sidewalk chalk, play ball all while making up silly songs from opera to country making each other laugh. We aren’t exactly quite either. Voices carry.

I guess I am writing about feeling and emotions. More like rambling than writing but then that’s ok too. It’s what I do here at fabulous gracelessness. Let loose my thoughts on the world. Sometimes it makes sense, other times it doesn’t. Oftentimes I get emails or messages saying “I am so glad someone else could put into words the thoughts and emotions I have.” We are not alone. We tend to forget that too. Don’t get too proud that you end up alone.

I hope your day goes beautifully.

Remember to always, keep hope alive!

 

 

Fabulous Saturday – Relax Y’all!


Greeting and I hope you are all having a fabulous Saturday!

Some may still be celebrating with friends and family. I hope everyone got to eat well and spend this holiday with those you love and enjoy.

It seems mine was a bit of a blur but still wonderful! Cooking, cleaning, little sleep, driving, family, more driving, more family – full of maos but like I would have it any other way!

We did no shopping in my group. In fact, we slept in and ate breakfast then got ready and went to the local zoo.

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I love the one where we are but at the local smaller zoo, we have more options and interactions. The boy and I got to play with the baby kangaroos. They are so cute and sweet. One even rolled over on his back to have his belly rubbed. We came two years ago and the boy was having none of the kangaroos but this year he relaxed a bit and enjoyed petting them. He was a bit taken aback when we were playing with one and another one came up and started chewing on my shirt.

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We also got to go into the Lemur exhibit and play with the babies… let me note here they are 6 and 7 months old, kind of like toddlers! The enclosure was somewhat open and they were flying around everywhere. They were like kids with long arms and fluffy bodies! The boy and I were in there quite a while. I even got pooped on but wasn’t leaving (their “babysitter” kindly handed me a paper towel to clean my shirt) as the boy was just fascinated. I mean how often do you get to hang out with “wild” animals and play with them like you would puppies? I am sure we were in there for at least 30 minutes. Once we were out, I turned over the boy to the family and dashed off to the restroom to clean the poo off of my shirt!

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After several hours of visiting with the animals, feeding, constant hand cleansing and running around, we decided it was time for dinner. No one was really in the mood for turkey or ham so we went the full on sea food route!

Sometimes you just need a day or two to relax and enjoy life.

You don’t have to spend a lot of money or make complex plans that involve diagrams to get through it. You just have to be able to relax your mind and body and go with the flow.

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I will save my Ironbowl post for tomorrow…. In case you don’t understand that it is the Alabama Vs. Auburn football game in Alabama always played after Thanksgiving. Yes, it’s a big deal! At print time the game hasn’t happened and I don’t want to jinx it! I will say, doesn’t matter what happens, ROLL TIDE BABY! I have hope!

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and enjoy life!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Happy 200th post to me and oh yeah happy black Friday!


Happy fabulous Friday after Thanksgiving!
Know to some as “Black Friday”, of which I am not partaking of thank you very much, but This Friday, today, is the 200th post of Fabulous Gracelessness!
Yes, I have been writing so much that it is now up to 200 on this blog and I have followers! LOL like less than 50, but I have them and I am thrilled with each one. It’s hard to believe people actually enjoy reading what I write and put out into the universe! I know that not everyone likes everything, I may also be a bit delusional but I do know there are some of my posts that weren’t as good as others. Sometimes I go back and read my stuff and think, “what was going on in my maotic, twisted head to write that?!”
Just to clarify, I write how I feel and what I think about life as I see it. Sometimes I will expound upon some subjects with references and information or links to other sites. I write poems and personal essays and thoughts. It can be random and often I get passionate about my thoughts. I know I tend to ramble too! I am working on it.
I had no clue what I was getting into when I decided to blog. I had been laid off work, was recovering from major surgery and was doing a lot of soul searching. I had an active 4, now 5-year-old boy, who I am challenged to keep up with but would not trade anything for him and the bond and love we share. I have always kept journals, I’ve written for several newsletters, written articles, poems, short stories and other random bits. I love to just write. I was writing a few articles and getting paid a tiny bit when I realized I could somewhat come up with things on the fly with a deadline. If I could do that, I certainly could do a blog. I have an amazing friend who kept encouraging me and nudging, without actually screaming to my face haha, to at least try it. I thought how hard could it be to write a blog?
So I jumped.
Free falling does not describe the thrill, frustration yet peace that I get from writing.
It is a challenge to meet my daily post quota. I have learned to plan ahead, and try to keep a few back, which isn’t hard because I have so many things running through my mind I want to write about! It is hard when I haven’t written said topics down and it may or may not be in one of the 5 or 6 notebooks I carry around with me! If I am out and about and a topic comes to mind, I try to write it down. I also use the voice to text for my notes but more times than not I can’t decipher what Simon (the male Siri) took down. I don’t think he understands southern as well as I thought! Sometimes he can be spot on.
Plus there is the time involved to actually do it daily! I want to keep my readers engaged and maybe, just maybe, touch one person and make them think and realize they are not alone.
After all it is my blog and, while I have it, free speech shall flourish here! My thoughts, my mind, my maos, this fabulously, graceless, crazy mama from Alabama whose life motto is Keep Hope Alive! That which does not kill us makes us stronger, but stranger! We are not alone! Life throws us some crazy curves and we have to deal with them the best way we can. We are blessed if we have others in our lives to help us and walk with us along the way!
I never thought my life would go the way it did but I truly couldn’t be happier! Yes, things still stress me out, but I believe that things can and do get better once you get through all the mental crap that tells you that you can’t! You can! It may be hard as hell, and you may just have to walk through it, but you will get out if you Believe in yourself. It is the first step and also can be the hardest.
I started writing my blog when I was basically at a very low place in my life. Writing and holding myself accountable made me want to do it better and keep going.
Since I started writing, I have better relationships with the people in my life, I am still scatterbrained and flaky at times, but I am also finding I am stronger and more organized. It is still a process and it is literally one step at a time many days, but I am moving forward. I wanted to get a job writing and I wanted to take care of people. I got both just a bit differently than I envisioned but it is better than I could imagine. I found love and a peace I haven’t had before. I feel I am a better mama to the boy. I am finding my patience and learning more about the complexities of myself daily. I often pull from personal experience or situations that are close to me. It’s nice to hear friends and family say, “Don’t put this in your blog! Or if you do change my name!” it fulfills me in ways I didn’t know I need to be fulfilled.
So on this Black Friday, I am celebrating with my loves and not shopping… unless it’s for food or maybe ice-cream!
I will keep cranking out my maotic thoughts and working toward the goal of 1,000 posts! Only 800 more to go!
I hope you all have a fabulously wonderful Friday!
As always, Keep Hope Alive!!!

Happy Birthday Daddy… dreams do come true and I miss you


Dear Daddy,

Today is 6 months of writing my blog on a daily basis! I am so proud of myself. You always taught me I could do anything and to do right by others. I am trying so hard and feel you around me all the time. Because of my writing I feel I have unlocked a door that I had forgotten about. One crucial to my essential being. By telling me to be true to myself I have found myself again. I found strength I didn’t know I had. Thanks to encouragement from family and special friends, remembering you and Grandmama always telling me to follow my heart and dreams, I am living my dream!

Today is your birthday. The second one since you’ve been gone. To say I miss you and your love and wisdom is an understatement. I would give anything for a hug and a kiss from my daddy just one more time. The words you always to me, to hear your voice again and feel your arms around me always made me know I was going to be ok.

There is so much going on in my life and in the world and I need your guidance and love more than ever. I hope you are proud of me and what I am doing. I remember your words of always stand up for others and to not be afraid because you knew deep down when you are doing the right thing.

I take comfort in our conversations we shared at random times throughout my life. Some were short, some were long but all were of value. All of the wisdom and the stories you shared with me, the way you understood and even respected my rebel side, I miss these things. I miss you.

You let me fly and also taught me how to be humble and respect every living being. You encouraged me when I know it had to be hard to do so. You also always loved me no matter what I said or did. I know there were times you didn’t like me as much and looking back, I can’t blame you. I wasn’t the easiest child to raise and I can be a bit stubborn and willful I know! You taught me to control my temper when I was young and I know that was no cake walk. You showed me how to channel my anger to find solutions to help myself and others along the way. You shared with me how to work through hurt, rage and fear. You always stood up for me even when it was hard to do. You never gave up on me and you always were there for me.

I wish you were here with us, our family. You have two amazing grandsons and my boy has already started telling his cousin about Pops and how wonderful you are. We all miss you and feel the ache so deeply. We are taking care of Mom as we would have no matter if we promised or not. You instilled in us the joy and challenges of family and how we stick together no matter what.

The legacy of family, friends and business you left is awe inspiring.

Oh Daddy I wish we could spend another day, another hour together. I know I would want more time. We all do.

I am so thankful and grateful you were always there for me for 43 years of my life.

It’s been one year, eight months and 11 days since we last saw you. I know you are free and whole again. I have to believe it. I know that your body is no longer ravaged by an insidious disease that could no longer be controlled. I know you no longer hurt.

They say time heals all wounds and that it gets easier. I’m sorry if I can’t see it that way. I didn’t always live in the same state and sometimes we would go a bit before talking or seeing each other but you were always There. I am better about not breaking down or breaking down in front of everyone, though sometimes it happens. I get overwhelmed by the fact that the first love of my life is no longer on this planet. It hurts my heart and soul.

They boy talks about you all the time with me. He believes we should be able to get you in heaven and go over the rainbow bridge and see Jethro. He tells me that Jethro has you throwing tennis balls to him and he’s sure you are giving him slices of the square cheese because he loves it. I love that he keeps your memory alive by talking about you.

I need to end this letter now but I know you are watching over us. I feel you with me and us so many times.

I love you, Daddy, with all my heart.

Thank you for always believing in me and my dreams and never giving up on me.

I miss you more than I will ever be able to put into words.

Always,

Your little girl

Life, hope and reality through the eyes of a child


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I want to share how life looks through my boy’s eyes.

The eyes and opinions of a child are so true and pure.

They are little sponges and are for the most part, naïve and honest. Much more so than we are. They say what they’re thinking as they are thinking it. I am working with the boy on discretion.

He enjoys people watching. This past summer at the beach, if a girl in a 2 piece walked by, my boy was checking her out. Smiling goofily and almost drooling. I was telling him how to look without staring. He now understands sun glasses now and how well you can look at people but they can’t see your eyes. He prefers to all out look at them. He is also not judgmental, if they had their belly showing, he was grinning no matter what sized body they had.

I am working with him on that filter from brain to mouth. It is proving to be a bit more challenging. Also he is getting more curious about life and how things work. Exciting and scary at the same time. Kind of like his questions and statements, sometimes exciting other times his phrasing or learning can lead to awkwardness, embarrassment or frustration. Sometimes I just don’t have the right answers but I try.

“Mommy your belly is so big, is there a baby in there?” No kid, you’re the only one. My miracle but when you ask me that in front of others, I understand, for an instant, why certain species eat their young.

“Why is that man screaming at that lady,” on seeing a man yelling at a woman in a parking lot. I knew that is was a domestic violent situation, saw the approaching police and could move the vehicle forward, away from the ugly truth of life. I give him snippets, “Sometimes adults yell and scream at each other and it isn’t right to be doing that to someone, much less in public.” His response, “There must be something wrong with him to act like that. I’m 5 now and I know I shouldn’t scream at people mommy.” Oh my sweet angel, if only we all knew that and if we acted on it, apologized genuinely like you do.

“Mommy we are all different colors, but we are all alike. I don’t understand the big deal.” “What do you mean?” “Well I am white with blonde hair and blue eyes. You are light brown with green/brown eyes and black hair, and I have friends with brown skin and black hair. But we are all peoples. So what’s the big deal when people act all mean and weird?” “You know what buddy, we are all equal. No matter what our skin color or where we are from. Sometimes people want to think they are better than other people.” “Like smarter?” “Well yes smarter or more important, that their life is better than the other person’s life.” “Well that’s dumb. We are all people, we all pee and poop. We all get smelly. We all laugh. Sometimes people can’t see or don’t have arms or legs or look different but we are all people. There must be something wrong with some people.” Oh my child you have no idea.

“You know I wish we could visit heaven and cross that rainbow bridge. Seems like we need to find a way to do that. We have all these puters and smart people and space. How come we haven’t find a way to visit? I want to see Pops and Jethro again. Maybe when I grow up and become a superhero, I can find a way to do that.” That one brought tears to my eyes. It still does.

children are happy no file of wrong

Many cultures believe that children are more in touch with their past lives, the spirit world and universal truths. That we are born with an ability to trust and believe in others and are more empathetic. They also see things that once you begin growing older, the majority begin to lose the ability to see beyond this world. As they age, they begin to lose that naivety and become more jaded. Many times it is due to their environment and their beliefs their parents, families and guardians feel.

There are many children that will still see and feel these things not only as youth, but as they grow older. They remain empathetic and compassionate. This does not necessarily mean that they are “strange” or not like “normal” kids. Many of them learn who they can talk to and who they can’t. Sometimes their families help them along and others find like people and information that help them along their journey.

We often discount children and their fantastical tales, their songs, their opinions. After all, how much life experience do they have?

I know I have heard the boy and several other children talk about “their life before this one.” I have also talked to some of those kids who only vaguely remember talking about it as the memories have faded. Things that he has said make me pause and think about things.

Who’s to say he didn’t have another life before this one? He talks about before he was borned (his word, we’re learning) when he was in heaven waiting for a new family. He says he remembers being told he would get a “good” mommy this time who loved him more than anything and would listen to all the things he had to say and not make fun of him for singing, dancing, making up stories and remembering things from his “other” life. Whoever told him that was spot on.

So do I think he has a bit of life experience? Yes. Does that mean I am going to allow him to do something beyond his years, like a drive a car, at 6 years old? That would be a big NO! Well, not unless he shows some mad learning skills along with better focus in the next 10 months! Ha, who am I kidding?! Absolutely not letting the boy drive anything other than go carts and bicycles for quite a while!

In the words of my boy, “Be nice to everybody, even if they are mean to you. Then just look at those people and smile and say “too bad” and walk away. They aren’t worth your time. We only want fun people on our ride!”

wisdom of ages eyes of child

As for me, I am keeping hope alive!

Have a fabulous day!