words

Writing my blog and what I am thinking… I need to not filter myself

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

I write how I feel and what I am thinking.

I write goofy poems, rhymes and sometimes nonsense.

I write stories and thoughts from other’s lives and things they’ve shared with me or that I have observed.

Often my words have been taken out of context.

Some have tried to use my own words against me.

Some have contacted me and thanked me for sharing as it reflected their own life.

I have received calls, texts and emails asking if I am okay. I can promise you, if it is here, I have most likely processed it and I am doing just fine…probably. Sometimes I allow myself to write raw. That can be dangerous as I just “let it go” and spew onto the paper. Sometimes I keep those and don’t let anyone see it. Sometimes it’s better that way.

When I chose to start a blog, I just did it. I had been told I couldn’t do it or I couldn’t commit to it for even a month. Most of those people aren’t around me anymore. The others I guess are eating their words.

I didn’t know how easy it was but also it is harder too. It’s like a double edge sword.

I still feel somewhat censored but I am working on that. Sometimes saying how you feel is a good thing. Other times even though it is cathartic for me, I may not sound so nice to others. That I even care is impressive to me.

I have always been the one marching to her own beat and being a bit of a rebel.

My blog is MY BLOG. Yet I find myself filtering myself. How ironic is that?

I am seeing what I really need to work on through my writing.

In writing, I find myself again.

 

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Sometimes writing is hard

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

snoopy

Sometimes I just don’t know what to write.

There are so many things on my mind, in my heart and in my soul.

But I find myself at a loss. I worry that I won’t be able to keep up with the pace I’ve set for myself.

I can’t not write.

Sometimes I am so tired, so worn out, so emotional that I just can’t put anything that makes sense into words to share.

I’m used to not wanting to actually speak. I am not so used to not being able to write. If I have a block on the computer I pick up a pen and paper.

After writing several pieces that were so raw and deep from within, I feel like other pieces become fluff.

Writing is as much a part of me as breathing.

It just happens.

I write so much but there are times when it isn’t meant to be shared with anyone. Or maybe I am just to sit on it for a while.

The words they call to me.

I have to let them out.

journal

 

Hellooooooooooooo Monday!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

hello monday

Ah Monday my old friend, I’m hoping it’s good to see you again.

I have hopes that you will be, more than yesterday and kind to me.

I worked my tail off all weekend long. I feel today I need a song.

I will work all day that’s true. I hope the night is better too.

Starting a new week can be hard. Reading this you know I’m no bard.

But writing is a freeing of my heart and soul and sometimes I can get on a roll.

I work so hard to make words mesh. My heart and soul pour from this flesh. Sometimes things may be quite deep and other times I write half asleep.

Life comes out, melded experiences too and no I don’t write about “you”.

The words I write come from deep within and from places others have been.

If you can relate to what I write, I’m happy to share my odd insight.

For those who know me and those who don’t have a clue, I have to write it’s just what I do.

So go into this day and Keep Hope Alive! For see this Monday has fully arrived.

keep hope alivw

Wednesday Words

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Words have power.

Words can also be pointless. Like air blowing over the landscape.

Sometimes words can convey emotions and feelings.

Other times the words are just there for answers, like a computer spitting out the information you need for your school paper. Monotonous. Clinical.

Words can cut you to the emotional bone.

They can make you laugh, cry, weep with joy or sadness. They can make you angry. They can start a movement of change. Words are good and bad, though you can’t have one without the other.

The boy is learning sight words in Pre-K. Yes, they have homework in Pre-K and I hear Kindergarten is worse with homework. At this stage I am wondering if I should book a tutor now for math in elementary school and get an early bird special! He is pretty good and identifying words and learning to spell them. Lately, he has been asking how to spell words as well as understanding the meaning of the word, as well as how it is used in a sentence.

Recently we were running a bit late on the way to school. We were talking back and forth, it was a good day with neither of us whining about the morning, when he exclaimed, “Oh damnit!” Of course I gave him a sideways, crooked look and asked him what he said. He repeated it clearly. Even enunciating while looking at me. He knew he had said an adult word but wasn’t sure it was acceptable. I asked him where he heard it. He thought about it and smiled the I-can-answer-this look and said, “You?” Oh no, no sir, I don’t think so. While I have no problem admitting I can have a potty mouth pretty much 24/7 it’s like I get shocked in my mind if I say a curse word in front of any kid, much less mine! Have I dropped a few not so nice words before? Absolutely. Have I told him each and every time I did it NOT to use that word and it was an adult word? YES. So him saying he heard it from me as a question, let’s me know he doesn’t want to reveal his source. I told him he would hear a LOT of new words as life goes on. If they weren’t words he heard from the Teachers at school, he needed to ask me in private before he tries it out in public. Because some words can get you into a lot of trouble by using them. I use “dangit” in place of damnit around children and some adults. Yes, I’ve slipped up but not often. It’s like something catches in my throat and won’t let me say the words flying through my head. I will say his placement of the word was excellent. He was using the word in frustration over forgetting to take his medicine drops that morning. Something we can do later in the day but he prefers to take it in the morning. I watched him in the back seat say dangit and mouth damnit. He looked up to see if I was looking, I am way better at looking like I saw nothing, and then said, “Ok we say dangit not the other.” Very good grasshopper.

We don’t realize how our words affect others or often, that others are paying attention when we think they are not. It’s how the boy gets me. I tend to talk to myself when I am busy. I ramble about whatever I am doing or whatever it is I may be thinking about. He may wait a few minutes, an hour, days or weeks but he will bring back up something that I say to myself. He has a wicked smart memory for one so young.

As I watch him learn to use his words I am in awe. He is starting to understand how words can hurt people but also make them feel better. He asks for definitions and how to spell them. He loves being read to and is looking forward to reading his own books. He loves now recognizing the words he is learning in school when we are reading our books.

I pray he will learn how to use his words to make people feel better. To stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves and to fight for what is right.

I hope he will love words as much as I do.

I have so many hopes and dreams for him. I just want him healthy and happy.

Maybe one day he will read these words. The internet is forever as is my love for him.

I hope you all have a fabulously wonderful Wednesday!

Keep Hope Alive!

Wednesday Writer’s Block…

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

writers block

I feel like I got the writer’s block.

Nothing is coming out.

Letters on the page but no wind in the sail.

Yet my mind never seems to stop.

Although it does pause.

Distractions like housework and random cartoons to stop the train of thoughts.

Thought nothing real seems to flow from my mind to my fingers.

Like things have gotten clogged somewhere.

Or maybe it’s exhaustion finally stopping the creativity of my words.

Maybe it’s because it’s mid-week after vacation and I can’t seem to find my groove.

I know I will get it back.

After all, I Am Fabulously Graceless!

Keep Hope Alive my friends!

 

On the road with technology

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Ahhh technology and the cool things I can do!

Take for instance, this post!

Today I am on the road, yet my blog is coming out like clockwork because of technology!

my road trip

It allows me the luxury of allowing my thoughts to be delivered daily, as planned, while I am not tied to a chair in front of the computer.

I write it, click when I want it to come out and voila! Instant readiness to post at a certain time!

Sure it’s simple, however this wasn’t available when I was a teenager!

Heck I remember when microwave ovens came out!

Something that could heat up food, with a little “cooking” too, in a shorter time than it took to pop a Hungry Jack TV dinner in the oven! I mean That was COOL!

Then there were the Walkman… my generation’s iPod! Sure you had to carry tapes and all but I mean we now had mobile music and large headphone!

walkman

But we still had to go into a home, business or find an outside pay phone to call our family and friends!

I remember I coveted a typewriter forever!

I always wrote, of course I was going to write a great novel! I did pen many “books” that are in boxes somewhere hand-written! And yes, I am searching for those in my house!

Now we not only have personal computers and iPads and tablets, but we have computers on our phones!

I can check emails, my blog, job posts, search the Internet and make calls from this handheld device!

iphone

Of course there is the added bonus of maps, games, and all kinds of apps too numerous to list!

I can set myself reminders, make a virtual note to myself and do so many things that seem way cooler than the “space age cartoon” of “The Jetsons”!

I mean I am ok not having a flying car at this point. I haven’t yet mastered the smarter-than-me phone!

So while this gal is trucking north with my loves, my post is coming out to you from my thoughts on Tuesday and thinking how awesome it will be to read this while I am in my smarter than me van!

Have a fabulous Thursday my Graceless Friends!

 

I can SEE!!!!!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

“I was blind but now I see.”

I am not singing Amazing Grace here today but I can now see!

I did not realize how poor my vision is!

Wow!

This fabulously graceless chic is now a member, there probably is such a thing, of the trifocal club! Yes my left eye, it seems, is blinder than the right. It also has stigmata… I mean stigmatism!

Geez, I follow an amazing writer, Aging Gracefully My Ass, and her name fits my mood!

I guess this is where I should say I am thankful I can still rock my contacts for at least another year before staying in my glasses full time. I am, however, I am not thrilled to know that my eyeballs have to be re-evaluated again next year to see if I can keep them!

I cannot wear glasses all the time! It isn’t a fashion thing, it’s a safety and a graceless thing!

I am getting used to wearing a stronger contact in the left eye than my right. Supposedly it will be easier and that seems to be true but they make my eyeballs kind of tired. I am sure it will pass. I hope!

I love my new glasses, they are quite cool in my opinion.

I am also having to get used to those too.

I wanted to use my old glasses but it seems when you go into the trifocal club you have to have larger lenses.

I so suck at picking things out like that!

I am grateful to the fabulous ladies my local eyeball fixer upper palace for helping me chose a pair, they said, looked good on me.

I’ve gotten a lot of compliments so maybe it’s not just everyone being nice!

I have had to get used to making sure I look “with my nose” because otherwise it feels like the floor is somewhat tilting and I have grabbed out more than once to make sure I wasn’t falling.

It IS a common occurrence in my world!

Like I need one more thing that messes with me!

I was cleaning the tiled kitchen floor the other day and wondered why it had a dip in it. There was no dip other than me. I was not looking at the spot head on!

In case you didn’t know, dear reader, when you get prescription lenses, you have 3 choices.

Choice A you get the center of the lens only for your prescription. It cost a bit but you have to see.

Choice B you get over half of the lens, but you pay way more than choice A.

Choice C you get most of the lens covered but you need a small loan to cover the cost of just seeing out of the entire lens.

It’s a conspiracy I tell you!

Of course I choose A!

I did not have this issue before becoming a member of this detestable trifocal club!

I know I should shut up and be happy I could afford at all to get contacts and glasses, but I just had to rant a little.

But boy howdy how sparkly and sharp are things again!

I forgot how clearly I can see when I have the right prescription!

That part is awesome!

I can see, I can see! Who the hell’s in the mirror? Oh my god it’s me!

new glasses

 

Sunday Reflections

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

sun 8 2 15

As I sit staring out at the beauty of the country side I pause to reflect.

If think of where I have been and where I am going.

I wonder what will happen next.

Life is so full of surprises you never know what is coming.

Some are good and some are plain awful.

I needed to reboot and recharge my mind, body and soul.

I know I recently went to the beach for family vacation, however once I returned and got a job and started working again, I realized how crazy busy I am.

I love it dearly.

I love spending time with my son, my family and friends.

But sometimes I need a time out.

So when I was offered a chance to stay at a friend’s country cottage for the weekend, you can bet I jumped at the chance.

I love being totally surrounded by nature.

I am far enough off the main road that you really don’t hear too many cars.

At night the sky is lit up only from the moon and the heavens.

I bathed in the light of the blue moon.

I slept in and woke up to come out onto the porch with my coffee to watching the humming birds and squirrels.

I hear no one.

I kept my communication very limited so that I can just be in my mind.

Sometimes I just need to drop out.

With the boy visiting family, I decided I would drop out for a few days.

It is bliss, but I miss my boy.

So while I soak up the moon rays, the sunshine and the sounds of nature, I will plan for my re-entry back into the maos.

But for now, I will enjoy just being.

As the sun sinks on another beautiful Alabama day, I bid you a fabulous Sunday my graceless friends!

sun 8 2 15 b

 

 

 

My lifetime love of books and reading

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

I love to read.

I love to read just about anything really.

When I don’t read I feel like I am lost.

A ship set adrift on an ocean of silence.

I can get lost in a book.

Yes a real, honest to God book with paper pages.

I do read on the computer, the kindle, my smarter-than-me phone and iPad.

I still enjoy the newspaper and magazines.

But a book is what can calm me.

Can make me loose myself for hours. Days.

I get so caught up in them I feel as though I am a part of another world.

I find my moods sometimes run the course of the characters while I am reading.

So reading something soul scathing or “horrifying” can twist my mind.

My train of thought never strays far from the pages I am reading and I find myself talking and thinking in the manner of the characters I absorb.

No I don’t get all psycho crazed serial killer, motherless, faithful, happy human on people… like I said I read a bit of everything!

But I can’t help but wonder how they would think, talk or react in situations or conversations I am in.

It’s like they become real.

Maybe it’s because I started reading at such a young age.

My imagination took me to magical places. Dark places. Places most of my friends didn’t visit mostly due to the things I learned in the books I read.

I read The World Book Encyclopedias and others of the same genre because I had access to them.

Before the internet I remember sneaking into the adult section in the library.

Not to read the love stories or the erotica, though I did read those, but to real the real life stories they didn’t necessarily allow in the kids section.

It’s like they wanted to hide us from the realities of life.

I remember reading Amityville Horror when I was around 12. I had to hide it because I would have bad dreams and it was definitely not something this 12 year old girl needed to be reading with my vivid imagination! I remember I would jump when the house would creak. I was a rebel hiding my books so I wouldn’t get in trouble!

It was close to the time when the original “Poltergeist” movie came out. Yeah, I totally freaked myself out! Between that and Cujo I was definitely on my way to loving horror movies and books were something I could do anytime and almost anyplace.

I learned to read in the car to tune out my brother.

When I got in trouble and had to go to my room I read.

Can’t watch TV? Read a book.

I can actually say I read more than I watch TV.

I went years without cable only watching the occasional movie and TV at friend’s homes. This was when I was an adult!

I also have no choice but to finish a book. I can’t not finish. Maybe it’s my OCD or maybe it’s because I started it and I have to finish it. Even when it’s horrible writing and painful to get through I have to finish.

When I read I learn. I look up things that I don’t understand and still have a dictionary, not dictionary.com, to look up words if I am unsure of the meaning.

Some call me odd and that’s ok.

I would rather read than talk to people some days!

I urge you to read something.

An article, a book, whether printed on paper or electronic reading just read!

In enriches your world!

Have a fabulously graceless day!

 

Songs, music and the patchwork of my life

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Anyone who knows me knows I have an issue with matching songs to artists and vice versa. Heck, I may not even know all of the words to a song but it’s got a loop so I will sing said loop and often learn that is not what is being said at all. Also said loop will get stuck in my head and drive me crazy!

That all said I am not the one you want for musical trivial pursuit!

However I do love music and of course songs will play somewhere, the grocery store maybe, and I recall that time of my life.

Like memories, we have songs that can do place you somewhere else in time.

Both good and bad memories, some even bittersweet.

Like the song “Yellow” by Cold Play.

Go on those who really know me be impressed!

I love that song.

I also associate it with heartbreak and the ending of a time in my life that I thought would never end. I also see it differently as it was played at a close friend’s funeral. So fitting really. He was a DJ and it was one of his favorite songs. He was also engaged to my then sister-in-law.

So yes, it has a deep meaning for me.

The boy and I love Queen, pretty much everything as I am educating him as I can and his dad has a greater collection and introduces him to other musical genres as well.

We love “We will Rock You”, “We are the Champions” and “Another One Bites the Dust”. Yes I am all about the classics.

We rock out to those some mornings going to school.

It’s one of the few times he gets to hold my phone! But whenever it comes on the radio or in the store, he squeals out “Mommy our song!” so we sing and dance if possible!

Recently it was “Ice Ice Baby.” Oh yeah word to ya mother!

We had video and a dance party.

A part of me was dancing like I was in a club, yet dancing in the kitchen with my kid! I was laughing at the hilarity of our dance and the memories and knowing I am making new memories with him now from songs I enjoyed.

I have learned I have to pull up the lyrics as some songs aren’t quite appropriate for a 4 year old!

Some radio station was playing NIN “Closer” and bleeped out the inappropriate parts.

He caught that. So he asked me what they were saying. Oh joy!

I actually had to pull up the lyrics because, again, I could not recall them word for word and they play it on the local rock station often.

Talk about getting creative!

The “I want to f*%$ you like an animal” became “I want to play with all the animals”.

“I want to feel you from the inside” became “I want to see you inside” like the house because that’s rational for him, he was 3 when he first heard it. Fortunately through the whole song I make up and sing loudly new words to cover the blank spaces if he asks!

I never thought a lot of the “profane” language in songs until I had my child.

It never really bothered me and it still doesn’t. I just have to really censor what he listens to!

I had to change a fabulous Tool song recently because there was no way I could fill in all the blanks they left out on the fly and he was upset because it had a “really good beat of the rock and roll” as he puts it! Yes it does my son, but I really don’t want to explain why you heard certain words and I definitely am not ready to explain certain adult content to you yet! He may be almost 5 but really I am just not ready to subject some things on him. He will already hear and learn more about the world than I did at 5 because there is so many outlets to get information!

Another favorite of mine is “Me and Bobby McGee” by the late, great Janis Joplin. I am a huge fan and even do karaoke with that one and a few others.

It reminds me of my youth and life in general.

How I once could just GO if I wanted to and how people can slip away in the blink of an eye.

It also comforts me to sing and it’s one of my go-to songs.

Like “Amazing Grace”. I always sing it acapella but can play it on the piano.

It was one of the first songs I learned on the piano and my daddy’s favorite song.

I long ago stopped singing in public, other than the occasional karaoke or family/friends gatherings, but I sang that song in front of a few hundred people at my daddy’s funeral last year.

He had asked me if I would sing it at his funeral and I promised I would.

I sang acapella and I sang it to him, to my family and friends.

I blocked out everyone else and just sang my heart out through my tears.

I still sing it now, I have sang it to the boy too since he was a wee one, but it can be bittersweet.

I’ve gotten better singing it to him, I don’t cry as much, but sometimes the tears still happens.

He will always take my hand, kiss me on the cheek and tell me, “You know Pops and I love that song and we love you singing it, right Mommy?!” To which I cry a little more but they are happy tears. And somewhat a little bittersweet too.

I guess you could say music is the patchwork in my life that fills the void with sounds of my memories.

Have a fabulous day!