I always thought I was so cool. I mean I thought I was weird, could be adopted (grant it I look very much like my dad’s mom but that’s just coincidence I’m sure), left by aliens but I was “cool” in my mind, the best and scariest of places, because I could and can say anything I wanted and No One could tell me I was wrong, the timing was bad, I shouldn’t have said that, etc.

Oh but the happiness of being able to “shout it out in my head is a good thing! Probably could get me in a coat that helps me hug myself but we won’t go any further on that one right now!

I was a teenage rebel. I am surprised my parents didn’t disown me though I am sure it had to have crossed their mind a time or ten. I got good grades but had no “one” group I was in. I was friends with everyone. I dressed normal and weird. I didn’t judge people based on who their family was. I spoke my mind, often to my detriment but also in defense of others. I truly tried to be a “good person”. I also skipped school, said mean things I usually instantly regretted and did things I would probably not do again. However I can’t help but wonder if it didn’t help mold me into understanding life a bit better.

I feel for the most part that I have survived and thrived and I am continuing to build on who I am. It’s neat to find more of myself all the time.

I have a WIDE variety of friends and family from ALL walks of life, races, colors, religions and I love them all for who they are. I call out friends or family who speak ill of another “type” of person as 98% of the time it is stereotypical and just plain wrong.

I Believe in Freedom for ALL Human Beings regardless of the color of their skin, their sex, their religion or whom they chose to love and call family.

I believe in saying how you feel without the repercussions of family, friends and society tearing you down. I don’t want to be censored.

Yet I censor myself. In life, in conversations and even here on my blog.

Sometimes I am too damn nice.

See, that’s the thing, just using the word damn may offend some people. I don’t want to do that but That is Just ME. A layer of me. Like an onion (Love Shrek!). Because peeling it down I am not so sure all that is meant for the masses! It could be scary!

In today’s world “damn” is really not a bad word. It wasn’t too bad in the 80’s even though some folks would say any profanity would send you straight to the pits of hell. 30 years later we say and hear far, far worse and see even more so what is then beyond that pit of hell to them I wonder?!

So I “censor” myself in my speech as I do not know who all will be reading my post and I am sure that in the future, stronger language will be used in some posts and I will probably go back and add *strong language may be unsuitable for young readers and those who can’t handle the truth because it’s just how I roll.

Because if I am real about how I truly am, when I am so emotionally charged up or angry or hurt or sad or even with my girls & close friends when I don’t have to “check what I say as not to offend” I say Bad Words!

A lot of them and artistically I might add. I used to call my good friend and ho (an endearing term as not to be confused as to something ugly here) and go on complete rants about Atlanta traffic and drivers. I would come up with some damn creative names for folks.

I also, in my mind, invented a ray gun that I could point at said folk that made the profane language flow from my face and made me feel terror for my life and turn them into a beautiful flower grouping by the side of the road for 5 minutes and then return them to the road in a better frame of mind without having lost any time. All of that from being able to “let it loose” with my speech to my friend!

I have mentioned before I hate crowds. Hate is a strong word but all crowds of Any kind make me a bit jittery. I can go with friends and family, have a fabulous time but I still get a wee bit nervous in a crowd. (They make medications for that ya know! Makes it a bit easier!). And I seem to find myself in crowds as is such with life. By crowds I mean 25 or more people unless it is a really cool gathering of a bunch of people I know and not people they know we just all know each other and it’s fun. Because then even though you’re in a “crowd” it’s of all friends. You still in the safe space where you don’t have to censor yourself too much, depending on the group. But once in the PUBLIC you have to censor yourself.

Have you ever been alone in your dwelling and something scare you and you scream out something you don’t want your mama or grandmama to hear? Or your priest, rabbi, nosey neighbor…you get the idea. Or you just found out something about someone or your own life and you just want to say words and scream out loud because it sometimes makes you feel better so you do.

But once you cross that threshold from personal space to public property you are in full on Censorship mode!

I know we aren’t supposed to care what others think. But then again why aren’t we? It’s a fine line to walk. Caring but not. Being yourself but not.

When I am in public I try to censor what I say due to others around me who do not like the language and for the sake of small children. In some instances if no kids are around, all bets are off and words are said. Sometimes it’s funny, other times I probably should have kept my mouth shut.

A phrase I heard often as a child and teen was “if you can’t say it around your mother or in church you shouldn’t be saying it.” And how well did that work out for the majority of us?!

I guess what I am getting at is I am not perfect and neither is my language. I cuss more in my head than I allow to come out of my mouth. But it does come out!

But I try to respect others and realize that just by overhearing something I say that is considered “profanity” that it could offend them in a way I do not even understand. And even know I may not know them I would still feel bad. I am the person who has been known to be at a restaurant late after having a few drinks with friends, say something crude then look around to see if anyone heard me and then apologize to them! Yep I am that person.

So even though I am still being free and being me, I censor myself. Because frankly I think everyone needs to a tiny bit just to try and show a little respect for others. You never know how that person could affect your life and how you could affect theirs.

This is however, just my humble opinion. And it doesn’t matter because if you cuss like a sailor, I am still your friend. If you do it in front of my mama, I will ask you to try and clean it up a bit. But once we are where I know we won’t offend anyone, I can match you word for word in that “sailor talk”!

That is enough deep thinking for one night and I am damn tired!

Goodnight my Graceless Friends!