I wish you all a beautifully Happy Valentine’s Day!
I hope you are happy in your heart and soul. I hope you are at peace with yourself. That you are happy with you first at foremost and if you are with someone, you are happy and at peace with them as well.
Above all I wish you hope.
Keep Hope Alive!
Sometimes I just don’t know what to write.
There are so many things on my mind, in my heart and in my soul.
But I find myself at a loss. I worry that I won’t be able to keep up with the pace I’ve set for myself.
I can’t not write.
Sometimes I am so tired, so worn out, so emotional that I just can’t put anything that makes sense into words to share.
I’m used to not wanting to actually speak. I am not so used to not being able to write. If I have a block on the computer I pick up a pen and paper.
After writing several pieces that were so raw and deep from within, I feel like other pieces become fluff.
Writing is as much a part of me as breathing.
It just happens.
I write so much but there are times when it isn’t meant to be shared with anyone. Or maybe I am just to sit on it for a while.
The words they call to me.
I have to let them out.
I wish you all a beautiful and fabulous Friday!
This week has been a heck of a week and I am thrilled that I have made it to the end of the week alive!
It’s been emotional and stressful but also fulfilling and full of love from my famriends and especially the boy. It has been a week of me becoming more me. That is a very good thing!
I hope that everyone slides into the weekend with the happiness bug and no broken bones!
Keep Hope Alive!
We all have expectations of some degree or another.
Many of us want/wish things would go smoothly and according to plans. If you have been on the planet any length of time you learn that is not the way that it is.
I know that money can buy many things, even make you happy for a time… did you know you can hire someone to hold your umbrella, your place in line and even carry a child for you?
What it can’t buy is true feelings of happiness deep down in your soul.
So many times we place far too much value on material items. We place expectations of our happiness on material things or things that are so far out of our reach but we are taught to reach for the stars. We forget about the lesson of what happens when we do not get what we want.
I often see people going through the motions of happiness but they are not truly happy. Maybe they are happy in some ways but not fully at peace with who they are. They feel they need more “stuff”. Maybe it isn’t the “stuff” that they need but the intangible peace that can only come from within.
I know sometimes if I get too comfortable in my own skin it becomes uncomfortable and I search for ways to stretch my creativity and my mind. I need more, but it isn’t always about material gain. If that is a by-product of the changes I choose then I consider that a bonus. I obviously have to maintain a certain criteria in order to take care of myself and the boy.
I know that there are so many times I feel that I fail to meet the expectations of others. As well as the expectations I set for myself. I feel like I can be too stubborn, too strict, too hard, too blunt, too much of all the things I should ease up on. Then I argue with myself on if not me, who will? It can become a quiet hell in my mind. On the outside, I actually appear sane and having it together. Inside it is like Armageddon and the end of the world as I know it.
The need to do good and what is right is never in question. It’s the road to getting there that can get narrow and long. It’s going about it my way when others have their perceptions of how I should be doing it. Not that there is always something wrong with their way or that I can’t see the benefits and may even incorporate all or some of their suggestions. It is when I chose what I feel is best for me and mine and I am chastised like a child or someone tries to put me down because “they know what’s best”. Maybe they do know what’s best, but I can guarantee that that don’t know what is best for me.
One of my favorite lines is “finding my way lost.” I heard the term and wrote on the line into my poems over 20 years ago. It still resonates within me all these many years later. When I first wrote on it I was in my early 20’s. I had certain perceptions of how life “should” be and how I could make it into how I thought I wanted it to work. I was so far off the mark as to how things should be and what paths I needed to take to get there. However, in taking that detour in my life, it broadened my perspective of not only me, but the wider world.
Sometimes life moves so very fast, it’s like it goes in slow motion for a short while and it is back on the train to crazy town. Your dreams either happen, change forms, or are tweaked to reflect your inner changes. Sometimes you aren’t able to achieve certain dreams. You can let that define how you go forward by wallowing in your own self-pity (been there). Try moving forward in a new direction. I’m not necessarily sure it’s the direction you need to be going but it needs to feel right. I recommend this one over the self-pity. Not that self-pity doesn’t have its moments but that is all, for me, that it needs to be is moments. I can’t get caught up repeating the same thing over and over for years and not getting anywhere close to where I want to be.
I dreamed of a family. Not only the family I was born into, but a larger, happier, crazier family mixed with both the biological and those who chose to join me on this journey. I dreamed of children, a partner to share it with, and always, those I deem famriends – friends that are family.
My famriend family is amazing. I have those I have a DNA link to as well as the other amazing humans that I have met on this incredible journey of life. People I will have in my life in some form or another until the end of this life’s journey.
I was blessed with one amazing miracle that chose me to be his mama. I was also blessed with several “nieces and nephews” prior to the boy’s arrival to help prepare me for when the time was right.
Not every part of my dream was like I expected it to be. Sometimes it was more than I could take and pain, despair, depression and misery took over. They occasionally make their appearance but I now know how to deal with them.
The best part is that I am still here, writing my story with every breath I take. I am responsible for loving and showing another human being how to start their own journey. I hope to be with him for many years but I know that whatever time I have with him, he will always know what love is and he knows how to find happiness. I pray I have the time to teach him how to nurture that and help him grow into the young man he will hopefully become.
We never know what tomorrow brings, so try and share yourself with those you love while you have the change.
Look at life from a different perspective. Step out of your comfort zone, if only a little bit. Take a chance and live! Share the joy, compassion and love with the world. Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all just made the effort to try to be kinder, more patient and understanding every day?!
These are the raw thoughts that have been on my mind. These are the things that keep me going. These things and of course, the amazing people that I share my life with.
Keep Hope Alive!
Snowflakes fell and they made me think of you.
When I was little and it snowed, we always enjoyed playing in the snow. You would find ways to make it even more fun for me than the winter wonderland it was already.
It doesn’t snow much in our area of the world, but you always made it special.
It was so fitting how it snowed the night before your funeral. The land blanketed in white beauty. We even went out and played in it for a bit. Why not enjoy what I know you would love too?
It snowed yesterday, the day you died. It didn’t blanket the earth, or cover anything really. All I saw was beauty and the flakes like angels all around me.
I know you sent it to remind me of how you’re still with me always.
Every time I see snow I think of you.
I remember catching snowflakes when I was little with you. I remember dressing up and going on grand adventures. I remember you showing us how to maneuver in the snow and cold. I remember you teaching me to drive in the snow. I remember so many things about you.
Snowflakes fell again today I know you’re here with me.
I always Keep Hope Alive.
I remember my mama waking me up gently. The boy was sleeping with me and I didn’t want him to wake up yet. I went downstairs to help daddy get ready for the day. It was Sunday so I knew he would get visitors. Here he was at the end of his life and still he had people coming to visit daily.
Everyone loved my daddy. You couldn’t help it as he was so easy to talk to. Even in business, he was respected and did a job he loved for over 40 years.
He was a man’s man and a gentleman. He played sports and seemed to be good at everyone he played. He started playing golf when he was young and we called him the “Yoda” of golf as he was the most serene golfer I have ever seen. We played tennis as a family and tons of games. We learned to be competitive and how to lose with grace. He grew up hunting and fishing. I was in about the 2nd grade before I realized not everyone ate venison and fish as staples like we did.
He was known as the negotiator and for his peace making skills. He was quite calm often in a sea of chaos.
When I was a young teenage girl dating, he was quite intimidating to any guy who wanted to go out with me. He used to interrogate anyone I planned to ride with. He would clean his gun, clean a deer or practice his bow and arrow (he was a great shot) all while questioning the young man’s intentions with his daughter. I knew how much my daddy loved me by everything he did.
I know a handful of times that I made him so mad he wanted to throttle me. We talked about it often. I had so much respect for him because as a teenager, I had a temper and he taught me how to control it. Not that I didn’t get in trouble as a result of my temper and actions, but I knew he loved me no matter what.
He told me he used to have a bad temper when he was younger and all it did was get him in trouble. He learned how to control it and channel it. He learned to read people and anticipate their reactions. He learned how to be kind to others when they all but spit in his face. He learned control.
He also learned kindness and compassion as well as good business practices. A person’s handshake meant their word of honor and you did not break that. He taught me about respect.
He taught me the love of the outdoors and the beautiful of the world.
He taught me to look beyond the outside of a person and see who they truly are. There are many wonderful people and may people who would do you harm. He taught me everyone is equal.
He fought for the equality through his business as this was the south and southerners can be hard to change their ways.
I was the firstborn. A daughter. My brother followed 3 ½ years later. We talked of how the world was more open to men. He saw the differences in how anyone who was considered a minority was treated and he worked to change and made a difference. No small feat here in Alabama where nearly all men of his stature in that time were expected to be a bit more narrow minded, see only one color, one gender and class was everything. He didn’t. He saw the human being where others saw the poor, females and those of a different color or class. Like his mama, my GrandMaMa, before him, he taught me so many things you can’t learn in a book. You have to open yourself and see things as they really are. Then you have to focus on the good and what is right.
We tend to almost saint those who have passed away. I am not doing that, I am honestly sharing how amazing this man truly was.
I haven’t always been the “ideal” daughter. I tended to push the boundaries and tried my parents on so many occasions it’s amazing they didn’t ship me off. I felt I had “failed” at so of life’s big moments. My daddy helped me see that I didn’t fail. Sometimes I had to learn the hard way or maybe in a way that wasn’t the easiest, but he would never see me as a failure. He saw me for who I was and accepted me for who I was. Flaws and all.
That morning I went downstairs with my mom, I saw my daddy. I knew that it was only a matter of time before he left this plane and the pain of the disease that took over his body. The pain and disease that could claim his body but could not lay claim to his heart, mind and soul.
It is clear to me, 2 years later on this very day, every detail about that morning. I remember my last conversation with him. He was so very weak. He was saving all of his energy I realize now, so he could tell his family how much he loved them. He told me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me. He asked me to be strong, as he knew I would be.
When I left his room I knew this was the day. I got the boy dressed and talked to my family as we were all there.
I had gone to the store earlier for his medications and was running back again when my sister-in-law called me to tell me to come home then. I am sure I broke several laws but all I could think was “Please hang on daddy, I’m coming.” I knew he heard me. I pulled into the garage and turned the car off and jumped out as my sister-in-law opened the door. “Go, I have this. I love you.” As I ran to the bedroom I passed my aunt and son.
My mother, brother and uncle were all around my daddy. I felt like I just slid into base. More like into place. We surrounded him with love as he left this life. Peacefully and just like that he stopped breathing. I know I felt his love surround us. I remember looking at my mother, brother and my uncle. We were all crying. My uncle prayed a beautiful prayer.
To this day it gets to me. I feel my breath stop because that’s what it feels like. Your breath just stops and you wonder if it will ever start again. My heart hurts. 2 years and my heart and my soul can still feel like they are being ripped apart with grief. Knowing I can’t call, I can hear you voice and feel your arms around me undoes me at times. I miss you so much daddy. Your little girl still needs you. I know you have made me a better human being, but sometimes it’s so hard.
Yet I push on just like I did 2 years ago today.
The anniversary is hard. It can be numbing, emotional and static like all at once.
The greatest man I ever loved passed from this earth on February 9, 2014.
At his funeral I sang his favorite song, Amazing Grace. Afterwards, someone asked me how I could do it. That’s easy, I love him and that was the least I could do for him after all he had done for me.
Go tell those you love how you feel. No matter their reaction, just let them know. We never know how much time we have here.
Keep Hope Alive.
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now I’m found.
Was blind but now I see.
‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
When we’ve been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Then when we first begun.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I’m found.
Was blind, but now I see
We are back to the beginning of another week welcoming Monday.
After a somewhat lazy weekend with the boy, getting back into the grind will be a real challenge. I mean pajamas were the outfit of choice and now I am back into work clothes which are not nearly as comfy. Plus there are schedules and appointments. Hello Monday!
For so many this week can be either really good or really bad depending on their relationship status. The “will they or won’t they recognize me as their valentine” and the blast of commercialism-in-your-face of the holiday doesn’t help some folks.
Some people have detailed plans and other have no plans. Some are going about the week in a haze of hearts and flowers while others are just struggling to get by.
Personally, it’s always been an over the top holiday that I don’t place a lot of emphasis on. If I am with someone, then that is wonderful, but then I would hope they know every day how much I care about them. I would do something but not on a grand level. If I am single, I enjoy watching others have their moments of love or maybe it’s lust. I don’t “hate” because I don’t have that “special someone.” It just does not bother me one way or another.
From the time I was young, my mom always gave my brother and I a “valentine” on the holiday. It was her way of letting us know we were her valentines too. Her and my father had 46 valentines before he passed away. Now I try to make sure I give her a little something, even a card, just so she knows she’s m valentines too. I do the same for my boy. I get it now how much you love your children and include them to make them know they are a special to you. Not just every day, but also on Valentine’s Day.
It’s the beginning of the week and Valentine’s Day isn’t until Sunday! I am just noting that I have a date with the TV at 8:00 PM CST no matter what as the Walking Dead return! This girl is fired up about that! Ha!
There is much going on in my fabulously graceless life but I am one strong, stubborn, crazy chic that isn’t giving up or giving in to the challenges life throws at me. I will fight my way through the day and pray for strength and peace. Maybe a lot of peace! Some sanity wouldn’t hurt either!
I hope you all face this Monday with an attitude of determination and remember to Keep Hope Alive!
I challenge anyone who has the opportunity to spend 24 hours just being a kid! You don’t have to run races or get too dramatic, it just involves being in the right mind frame. It also involves not thinking so much. Being a kid or even being kid like requires you to let go of the tensions and suspicions of everyday life.
Young children, usually 7 and under, have a true innocence and can often see things we as adults cannot, as well as imagine fantastical worlds. They blend things they have seen during their short lives, things they’ve experienced and things, I believe, they remembered from a past life. They say so many things they don’t even understand, but yet in some ways they do. It can be hysterically profound.
We place so many responsibilities and schedules on them. Not that I don’t think consistency isn’t a good thing, because it is. But sometimes you just need to kick back and see what happens. You will still eat and do all the things needed to take care of and fuel yourself, but you do it in a more laid back frame of mind.
It has been a truly challenging week for me. I knew that I wasn’t necessarily up for doing too much, yet I always love to have fun with the boy. I get creative and finding fun things to do for him. I admit I am a big kid at heart so it isn’t hard to find things we both enjoy doing!
So for a whole day we just did kid stuff. I didn’t do any chores, other than cooking and pick up from that. We hung out, watched movies; we were good guys, bad guys, became zombies, had sword fights, did science projects, had superpowers, morphed into creatures and laughed so hard we couldn’t see. We set up a table in the bedroom and ate breakfast and lunch watching movies. We ran around the house screaming and chasing each other and the cat. When it came time for dinner, I made homemade venison spaghetti with little cheese on the top and we ate in our pajamas because we felt like it.
We stayed up late and took baths and showers and put on clean pjs before laying down to stories and a movie. It was going to be more movies but the boy finally passed out! Shortly after, so did I!
Lately life has been extremely stressful. I am finding more creative way to lessen my stress and enjoy my life. It doesn’t have to be flashy or planned out to perfection; it just has to be fun and relaxing. Loving from the little man doesn’t hurt either!
Enjoy the pictures from the maos of our lives!
I wish you all a fabulously fun Sunday!
Keep Hope Alive!
I cannot tell you happy I am it is Saturday. I am done with this week. It is now behind us and I can’t tell you how pleased I am. The boy and I are planning a lazy weekend. Well, mine may be lazier than his!
There have been so many things that changed in my world in the last week. Some things I didn’t see coming, some things I had an idea and some that just blew me away. It wasn’t just one area either, no, not for this fabulously graceless human. It had to have multiple layers both physically and mentally. It’s like Murphy, as in Murphy’s Law, has taken a shine to me and wants to shake things up a bit. I feel like a bouncy ball in a blender.
*reblogged from https://fightorflights.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/img_0770.jpeg
I am working to find my happy creative space. Fortunately that small human I gave birth to is with me and he makes me happy in my soul. He makes me face the day, I have no choice. Even if I wanted to feel sorry for myself or lazily wallow and uncommunicative I don’t have a prayer with him around! That’s a good thing!
Another bonus is I will creatively find time to do more writing. It is so strong and such a part of me I can’t deny it. I am working on doing more with it. I am definitely going to stop holding back.. for the most part! With that comes the quiet reflection, which I desperately need. I also know my loves will be there for me and give me the space I need. Just understanding it’s a part of me moving forward and accepting new challenges.
When things get tough, I know those that I can count on my peeps that are there for me no matter what.
They aren’t pretty words and it might as well be written across the universe. I AM WITH YOU. I ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE.
That is really all that I need. It’s all anyone truly needs. When your life gets turned upside down, being able to handle it, even when it brings you to your knees for a minute or ten, and having people you know have your back means Everything.
Today I am thankful for those who have stuck through me through thick and thin. Screams, laughter, tears, my flakiness, mi vida loco and even gaps in communication, I know I can count on them.
Y’all are always there for me when I need it and thank you sounds so trite. I can only hope you know how blessed, thankful and grateful to have these people in my life!
I will stop getting all mushy now, but sometimes, we need to take a minute and not only remember, but thank those people who help keep us out of the padded white rooms!
reblogged from https://fightorflights.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/img_0768.jpeg
I wish you all a fabulous Saturday!
Always keep hope alive
Sometimes life can be just too much. Sometimes it can be a person, place or situation. I know I can be a bit much to handle at times. I mean I could be classified as a hot mess. *Ahem could be.
It is said that you are not given more than you can handle. There are so many times I want to just call bullshit on this one.
Then I really think about it. Usually it’s when something was abruptly cut off. I mean I know there are times when everything isn’t right, but in my twisted mind, I try to find every solution I can think of before I just cut it off. Whether it’s work, relationships or my routes to certain locations I really think about it and how it will impact not only me, but those I love.
Sometimes things do become too much and you have to cut it off for your own sanity. This is something I can completely understand. It doesn’t matter if it’s me cutting or someone else cutting, I understand it and even if I don’t like it, can abide by it if it’s done respectfully. That means civil and without drama for me.
It doesn’t mean you don’t still think about things. You don’t stop wondering “what if”, but you realize that often times things do happen for a reason, even if you don’t see the big picture just yet.
Then I think about other areas where I feel that there is just too much to do. Things I don’t know if I can handle it. At least not with my usual fabulous graceless ways. It is at this stage, that I begin looking at creative ways to handle the overabundance of responsibilities and challenges I face. It isn’t always easy. Sometimes I want to pitch a hissy fit and have a come apart. I want to scream and yell and throw things. However, I have learned that while keeping an old set of cheap dishes to break in the driveway can be exhilarating, I’m starting to get over having to clean up after. I have enough to do without adding something else. It still feels good though. But then again so does beating on the drums and playing rock-n-roll with the boy. Less mess!
So when I think, what is too much for me? I realize too much is what I make of it. I can control how I react to it and how I handle it.
Here’s looking forward to a fabulous Friday!
Never forget to Keep Hope Alive!
fabulousgracelessness 
