Songs, music and the patchwork of my life


Anyone who knows me knows I have an issue with matching songs to artists and vice versa. Heck, I may not even know all of the words to a song but it’s got a loop so I will sing said loop and often learn that is not what is being said at all. Also said loop will get stuck in my head and drive me crazy!

That all said I am not the one you want for musical trivial pursuit!

However I do love music and of course songs will play somewhere, the grocery store maybe, and I recall that time of my life.

Like memories, we have songs that can do place you somewhere else in time.

Both good and bad memories, some even bittersweet.

Like the song “Yellow” by Cold Play.

Go on those who really know me be impressed!

I love that song.

I also associate it with heartbreak and the ending of a time in my life that I thought would never end. I also see it differently as it was played at a close friend’s funeral. So fitting really. He was a DJ and it was one of his favorite songs. He was also engaged to my then sister-in-law.

So yes, it has a deep meaning for me.

The boy and I love Queen, pretty much everything as I am educating him as I can and his dad has a greater collection and introduces him to other musical genres as well.

We love “We will Rock You”, “We are the Champions” and “Another One Bites the Dust”. Yes I am all about the classics.

We rock out to those some mornings going to school.

It’s one of the few times he gets to hold my phone! But whenever it comes on the radio or in the store, he squeals out “Mommy our song!” so we sing and dance if possible!

Recently it was “Ice Ice Baby.” Oh yeah word to ya mother!

We had video and a dance party.

A part of me was dancing like I was in a club, yet dancing in the kitchen with my kid! I was laughing at the hilarity of our dance and the memories and knowing I am making new memories with him now from songs I enjoyed.

I have learned I have to pull up the lyrics as some songs aren’t quite appropriate for a 4 year old!

Some radio station was playing NIN “Closer” and bleeped out the inappropriate parts.

He caught that. So he asked me what they were saying. Oh joy!

I actually had to pull up the lyrics because, again, I could not recall them word for word and they play it on the local rock station often.

Talk about getting creative!

The “I want to f*%$ you like an animal” became “I want to play with all the animals”.

“I want to feel you from the inside” became “I want to see you inside” like the house because that’s rational for him, he was 3 when he first heard it. Fortunately through the whole song I make up and sing loudly new words to cover the blank spaces if he asks!

I never thought a lot of the “profane” language in songs until I had my child.

It never really bothered me and it still doesn’t. I just have to really censor what he listens to!

I had to change a fabulous Tool song recently because there was no way I could fill in all the blanks they left out on the fly and he was upset because it had a “really good beat of the rock and roll” as he puts it! Yes it does my son, but I really don’t want to explain why you heard certain words and I definitely am not ready to explain certain adult content to you yet! He may be almost 5 but really I am just not ready to subject some things on him. He will already hear and learn more about the world than I did at 5 because there is so many outlets to get information!

Another favorite of mine is “Me and Bobby McGee” by the late, great Janis Joplin. I am a huge fan and even do karaoke with that one and a few others.

It reminds me of my youth and life in general.

How I once could just GO if I wanted to and how people can slip away in the blink of an eye.

It also comforts me to sing and it’s one of my go-to songs.

Like “Amazing Grace”. I always sing it acapella but can play it on the piano.

It was one of the first songs I learned on the piano and my daddy’s favorite song.

I long ago stopped singing in public, other than the occasional karaoke or family/friends gatherings, but I sang that song in front of a few hundred people at my daddy’s funeral last year.

He had asked me if I would sing it at his funeral and I promised I would.

I sang acapella and I sang it to him, to my family and friends.

I blocked out everyone else and just sang my heart out through my tears.

I still sing it now, I have sang it to the boy too since he was a wee one, but it can be bittersweet.

I’ve gotten better singing it to him, I don’t cry as much, but sometimes the tears still happens.

He will always take my hand, kiss me on the cheek and tell me, “You know Pops and I love that song and we love you singing it, right Mommy?!” To which I cry a little more but they are happy tears. And somewhat a little bittersweet too.

I guess you could say music is the patchwork in my life that fills the void with sounds of my memories.

Have a fabulous day!

Another fun manic Monday


Just another manic Monday here in my graceless world!

I hope you are all having a lovely Monday and you remember to Keep Hope Alive!

Today will be a full, fun, learning kind of day with more than I should do but knowing how I am will do!

It’s so nice to be among the land of the occasional paycheck again, even if it’s dribblings it’s steady-ish dribblings and gives me the hope I need to keep moving forward!

I never know what kind of curves are coming but I am ready!

I am on countdown to less than 10 days before I am with my sister from another mister, family and those Yankees I have claimed as mine!

view on hoppe valley

The first pig roast I was preggo with the boy!

b in belly pig roast

Now he is all about running wild and the pig itself, which is beyond yummy along with the multitude of food we will all consume!

cooked pig

I will be driving with the boy and my co-pilot to TN to meet up with more famriends and then it’s all the way to PA baby!

Boy howdy will that be a fun ride! NOT!

It will be filled with entertainment but it is hella long. Sorry to offend but it is a true Road Trip. My Jeep, the Blue Bunny, is getting groomed and checked for the adventure.

Can anyone tell I get excited about this?!

Not to mention I now have my new contacts and glasses will be in this week!

I feel like singing, “It’s a whole new world!” out loud instead of just in my head while wearing them!

Plus I cleaned the windows in the jeep so today’s view will be fabulous!

They give a whole new meaning to sharpness and clarity!

I feel like that is a good way of looking at things on the positive spin of the maos (chaos and mayhem) of my life!

I have been seeking a clarity and working on sharpening my focus and it is not only happening, but paying off!

I worked my booty off yesterday cleaning house and organizing and playing with the boy in between.

I mean I got on a “I feel the need to do all of the laundry in the house just because” and so I did. Yes my OCD went a little overboard as you can see below!

laundry

It and the laundry room are now clean and pristine!

I am always trying to catch up and do more so that I can rest and play every once in a while.

I work harder for a day or two off but now that I’m working for myself and my freelancing, I don’t feel guilty by actually not doing any work on my days off.

Before I would feel like I needed to do “something” or else I was just being lazy!

Crazy I know but also a part of my OCD I have been working on.

Now I am working out better time management and finding ways to not feel the guilt because I don’t do some sort of work when I declare I am taking a day off!

One could truly loose one’s mind with the continuance of this kind of behavior!

I will sign off for now but want to wish Everyone a Fabulous Monday!

So much to do, so much to live, so much to be thankful for!

Always keep hope alive my friends!

 

Courting Nostalgia


Currently I am courting nostalgia of only 2 short years ago.

I had dropped an email into the wrong file and I clicked onto another file, still not the right one but this was much, much better.

I tumbled into my memories from where I was and what was happening in my life.

I stepped back into a world where my loved ones had not departed this plane and my big love dog was loping around the house to dance party time. The boy was yet to be potty trained and I was on the wild ride of life.

I was learning how to be a single parent.

I was employed and one of my best friends and I had reunited for another go as roomies.

I was preparing to head north for our yearly trek for the annual pig roast at my sister’s home.

I was driving back and forth from Tennessee to Alabama to spend time with my family, my parents, and my daddy.

So much of my life felt like it was on hold or in a holding pattern due to circumstances beyond my control.

Two years doesn’t seem like long but now seems like a lifetime.

I dig deeper into my memories.

I remember laughing hysterically with my roomie, my boy, big dog and the kitties.

She taught the boy goofy games and silly things to do and how to eat with clothespins.

I remember going to the lake with my family and watching my son and my daddy “fish” together. The boat ride we went on and how I knew that time was precious and I took none of it for granted.

I remember the trip to Pennsylvania with 3 adults and a kid in diapers and how we laughed so hard we cried and even had to pull over, a flawlessly executed maneuver in major traffic, so my girl could get sick and then felt better. Our trip was sorely needed and I got to see my sister, brother in law, niece and nephew along with the rest of my Yankee family.

No I did not take this for granted. Not one minute of the time.

The movies in my mind of this time of my life seem almost like old black and whites now.

I allow them all to wash over me and assault me for I will never forget them.

I hold them close to my heart, these precious memories.

For you see, my wonderful roomie passed away peacefully, but unexpectedly in her sleep one night. I still miss my sister and the woman who was tiny yet impossibly strong and would give you the clothes off her back and help anyone who needed it.

My strong daddy, my rock, finally lost his brave battle to the insidious cancer that ravaged his body in the end. I miss him daily and sometimes so much that it pains me physically.

Big Love aka Jethro aka our fur bebe doggy passed because it was just his time.

My career path has changed along with my state of residence.

My son is now well potty trained along with growing up to no longer be considered by son as my “little” boy.

One of my happy constants is our annual pilgrimage to PA for the pig roast with my sister and the Yankees.

But as I dip my toes into the memories of my past I remember the happiness, the conversations, and the love.

I pull from my family and friends, old and new, and new again.

I harness the love, hope and prayers and I make it through another day.

I watch my boy grow into a young man, slowly but it’s happening far faster than I would like.

So I slide back into this warm pool of my past.

I close my eyes and hear the laughter, the advice, feel the love and happiness, taste the worry but always I keep hope alive.

The bridge from then to now is my hope.

Have a fabulous Sunday!

 

Moments


At times I feel only have stolen moments.

There are moments I give to others

Some are obligations I give freely

Others are obligations I begrudgingly oblige

Some are wanted

Many are not

Some are unexpected

Those are both happy and sad

Good and bad

Ecstasy and terror

Moments

Brief or long it is all we have

I often forget how to give to myself

Moments I need to breathe

Moments I need for my sanity

Mere moments

Yet they yearn for more

Clamor for my precious moments

I try and I fail

I disappoint

Them, myself I am disappointment

Steal them

Take them

Rip them from me

Mere moments in time

What more do I have to give but moments?

I hope you all have fabulous moments today!

 

Life throws you curves


Sometimes life throws you curve balls and you expect it.

It still rocks you but you stand pretty firm.

Then sometimes there are those curve balls you were not expecting.

The ones that rock you to the core and leave you going, “What just happened?!”

It’s funny how an email and phone call can change your world in amazing ways you did not see coming in a million years.

Not long ago I wrote about how I have to get through a situation to get over it.

I had pull away from a situation with a friend who had stepped outside of reality for a bit.

Not that I blamed them, I just couldn’t follow their anguish and destruction down that particular rabbit hole.

I stepped away.

It seems like that was ages ago.

So many things have happened in life but I never forgot the core of that person and how good they could be. I couldn’t forget how much fun we have and how we enjoy each other’s company.

Then randomly I got an email that moved me to my core.

I knew deep down in my soul that I could no longer stay away.

I had to know if they too had been able to get through and over the hurdles of their own demons.

I called and ended up on the phone talking for an hour.

Then I got another email this morning that surprised me regarding possible employment. A friend that my friend felt I would really bond with who needed someone like me.

I received a phone call and instantly adored the lovely lady I talked too.

Bonus is I have an interview which is more like a formality due to our shared passion of helping others.

Proceeding on with my day in a better than average mood I went to my eye appointment.

I don’t think I have ever had so much fun and girl bonding at a “doctor’s appointment’!

It seems my vision has deteriorated a bit but I can still get the contacts I want but had to get new glasses due to the vision issues.

They are so cool and I can’t wait! I will be so happy to see clearly again and will definitely put up a photo or two!

My life is coming into sharper focus and now I will be able to actually see sharper and better!

After several hours I finally left and went to watch the boy do his karate thing. Since he is with his father, I went and had dinner with an old friend.

It ended up being one of those dinners that is a conversation that just keeps going. You don’t want it to end because you can’t believe that you found each other again, especially after the trauma of the past, and here you are together because you were both able to move through and past. Filling each other in on what we missed in each other’s lives and sharing those inside jokes you thought had been buried in the trunk in the attic are the stuff happiness is made of.

I got to ride in a convertible, and oh what a fabulous ride it was, with the top down, wind in my hair and just that feeling of freedom! The joy of the open road, no words needed because you’re on the same page and you can feel the universe smile.

So I have to say it was a good day.

I hope your day is fabulous too!

Here’s hoping for a fabulous week my friends!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

The beach is in my soul


At the time this article goes out I will have officially been gone from the beach for at least nearly 20 hours… almost a full day.

I will have woke with my last view of the beach for a while.

Of course I will photograph it but often I don’t need the visual reminders. Not of this place.

I always walk out onto the balcony, look around and then close my eyes and breathe it all in.

balcony view

The sights, the smell, the endless ocean with all of its vast adventures.

The Life.

I can be anywhere, any room, any situation and just Stop.

I can smell it. The salt and sand and tropical smells.

I can feel it. The breeze blowing off the Gulf of Mexico caressing my skin. Rain or shine it feels so different, so alive.

I can see it in my mind. I can close my eyes and see all hours of the day or night here.

For all of my existence I have come to this place.

feet beach

This body of water.

The beaches along the Gulf Coast have helped shape who I am as a human being.

As I am sure they have shaped thousands before, even now and after I am gone.

I’ve seen the sun rise, mid-day and setting sun. I have sat on the beach from dawn til dusk and dusk til dawn.

I have slept on the beach.

I have played in this ocean and learned of the creatures that live here and respect them. Even if I am not fond of some of them this is their home. Their space.

I have walked these shores with the ones I love and those that are no longer here with me to walk in the surf or sit in the sand and stare out at the beauty.

But here I feel so close to them.

I feel close to all of those I love and care for.

I love sharing this Oneness of everything with my boy.

beach crab catchin

My amazing miracle that constantly blows my mind and fills me with love.

He reminds me of this place.

We came from this place.

The place where I am close to everything, call it God, the Universe, all of those things we cannot articulate into words but its right there.

It is where I can and do find my soul. I nourish it.

I find it and I replenish my being.

And I can come anytime I want.

I just have to remember the way.

This time, I know that I have found it.

I will not forget it.

Life is too precious to let myself forget this and how to mend my soul.

pier balcony view

 

Happy Friday Y’all!


This week has flowed to a different beat.

I left on Monday for a week at the beach.

Meeting up with a portion of our family.

There are 10 of us at the condo.

Yes 10 human beings.

8 adults and 2 kids.

Pure chaos.

More fun than you can imagine!

However, privacy is just a dream! Haha but oh so true

Having so many of us has afforded this mama something that she hasn’t had in over 6 years… a beach cocktail. Thank you my dear sweet cousin for just handing me the cup and saying, “enjoy”!

I am not a big drinker at all, however, I do enjoy a drink on occasion.

 photo 5

My view from the condo!

I forgot how much fun it is to sit back and enjoy myself as I am usually constantly “on” with the boy.

Having others around affords me the luxury of just sitting back and chilling out.

I mean I am still “on” but it’s more laid back.

I love it!

I’m not used to having all these people watch my boy and it’s like a mini vacation.

I know everyone isn’t as blessed or as lucky as I am to have the awesome family that I do.

It is challenging somewhat space wise.

As OCD as I am this can be a hurdle I have to overcome. But it seems easier and easier with less stress and knowing I am not alone.

Family and friends you love and trust are invaluable these days.

Anyone who knows me knows I also need my quite me time.

Something a bit hard to come by sharing space and schedules with so many folks!

I must say that I have been blessed with spaces of quite time because these people Know I need it.

Like being able to write my blog and a maybe a few other articles.

It’s not like I can just go and grab some words off the web and copy and paste it and call it my own. Not only is it plagiarism but it’s just not something I can do!

So I get my time!

And like just now it got interrupted but it was just my brother, also working, while our kiddos are at the beach with everyone else so we can work.

Of course since we don’t get to spend as much time together as we would like to do. And I miss the banter of how we are. Complimenting and berating each other in the same breath! Ah sibling love!

It really is just This though that makes me so relaxed.

Being able to enjoy my family. Those I don’t get to see as much as we’d like and spend quality moments with them.

All from my happy-find-my-soul-spot!

It doesn’t get much better than this!

photo 2 

Another fabulous view

Happy Friday Y’all!

Make it Freaking Fabulous!

 

Run Away


Run away. Run away.

I don’t know if I can handle today.

Run away. Run away.

I will face this life come what may.

 

Dear God, please make me a bird so I can fly far. Far, far away.

Dear God, please make me a bird so I can fly far. Far. Far away.

 

Running away does not solve all your problems. It may temporarily ease your mind however, it cannot make those problems go away.
Geographically you can put yourself further away, but you cannot actually escape the problem.
When I was a child I remember I wanted to run away from home.
I packed a bag of my favorite toys and I set out on my way.
My mom watching from the door waved and told me to have a good adventure.
I went all the way down the street made a left-hand turn and walked down the big street!
Then came to me what was a huge choice in my then six-year-old life.
Do I step out onto the first busy road or do I walk back at that long hill, make a right and go home?
Going home I had to face what I didn’t want to deal with, which was most likely cleaning my room or minding my parents. 

I also wasn’t thrilled with the prospect of my little brother. He could be extremely annoying although pretty darn cute at times too
I chose to go home.
I talked to my parents and I remember them telling me that I made the right choice. Things are not always perfect but I knew they loved me, and I learned that I could solve my problems if I just faced them. Even if it wasn’t easy.
As an adult I’ve thought away thought about running away more times than I did as a child.
However it is not always that easy. Especially when you have responsibilities and understand more people, or pets, depending on you.

I admit that I have small times that I call it “running away “.
I take time for myself and I dig around inside my mind to find what I’m really thinking about and what’s troubling me
It isn’t always pretty and it isn’t always nice.

Quite often it’s painful.

I may seem distant or cold to some people, but I’m trying to find myself again.

I’m searching deep inside of my soul and what I really need to find it myself.
I even escape to parking lots while I’m driving to and from places so that I can just stop and think.
When you run away you also run away from people in your life.

When you leave with no warning or no heads up you leave them wondering if the words that they said were truly meant.

There are all kinds of forms of this behavior. Being late, not taking a call and/or not calling are just a few examples.
It can make one wonder if they are not as important to that person as they pledged they were in the first place.
Taking a breather from a person, people or situations is understandable. To seek a way for you to find yourself.

It isn’t as if I haven’t done it myself.

However, I do let the people closest to me, or that I am indebted to or responsible for, know that I am “checking out” for a mental moment or moments.

But to think that you can “run away” from your problems and not face them?

I don’t understand that.

If you have obligations and responsibilities with others, you just running away is cowardly in my eyes.

I understand not wanting to “deal” with that person, but for the love of Pete, put your big girl panties on and Deal With It.

Adults that do things like this, to me, show lack of respect and compassion for others.

They are selfish.

Yes you have become an adult.

Welcome.

You committed to certain things and people, but since there have been waves in the order of your life and you aren’t happy with it, you chose to run away like a child instead of confronting and handling said situation.

You get petty and cruel with your words, yet don’t use your words to convey and communicate your plan to take care of your obligations while you go find yourself.

When I hear someone say, “I am going to run away” I smile.

They are saying out loud what they are doing, not caring who judges but also letting others know they will be out of touch. Whether metaphorically or not they are saying it.

But those who literally run away because they can’t or don’t want to face their problems, chose to push out people in their lives they may have kept if only they had done things differently.

Those people don’t respect everyone as most of them claim to do.

I’ve learned they are afraid of themselves more than anyone else.

Although they would never admit it.

As for me, I enjoy my little “run aways.”

Although I am not trying to disappear, I just like go off the grid. Usually it’s only for 30 minutes but sometimes I get to escape for longer!

There have been times in my life where I have told others to run away!

I am sure I have been the cause of some people to actually go away too.

Always their choice! I’m not like a mafia don or anything!

But choosing to run away, I really hope you have a good reason.

As for me, I am running to the beach.

But I am not alone.

My family is here.

My boy.

He understands why I tell him, “I want to run away to the beach. It’s my happy place. Want to go with me?!”

And he now always says, “Oh yes mommy, I will run anywhere with you. I love you.”

So we run away to the beach.

To smell the salt air and feel the sand between our toes.

Pure bliss.

We find ourselves even if we didn’t know we were looking.

 

Have a fabulous Wednesday My Friends!

 

Happy Monday My Friends!!


One of the best things about blogging is that I can set it up to post for me in advance…. I mean I don’t get up at whatever early hour I send them out!

I am not a morning person!

However I do write daily for my blog as well as other articles.

That said HAPPY MONDAY MY PEOPLE!!!

I am going to the beach!!!

Yes by mid-day I will be headed south with the boy to meet the family!

So this post will be short but cheerful!

Enjoy the photos from past trips!

This is Freddie the seagull.

seagulls

I am going to my happy place.

The place where I find myself and my soul sings.

beach sunset

So I am sending out my happy thoughts to you all!

I hope you have a fabulous Monday and a wonderful week!

Tomorrow’s post will be fueled by me breathing in the salt air after sticking my toes in the Gulf of Mexico!

beach sweet home AL

Stay fabulous my friends!

The weekend is here…. countdown begins!


The weekend has finally arrived!

We are now on official countdown to family beach trip 2015!!

Sun, sand and 10 humans in a condo…. it will be epic!

Of course all but 2 are older but still, fun will be had by all!

I was really struggling about what to write about.

My mind is a mish mash of madness lately so I find myself doing mundane chores needed to pass my time and think.

I decided to celebrate the weekend and start packing for the beach!

It is my happy place.

The place where I can be me and also find myself.

Sometime we get soul sick, though we don’t always want to admit it.

We tend to reflect on times in our lives that may have been wonderful in the moment but did not end so well.

Lately I have had the mental playback of the list of things I screwed up on. And boy is it long!

But a friend told me to not beat myself up over it. Though it’s hard for me, they are right.

Because the screw ups lead me to where I am today and honestly I can’t imagine being anywhere else.

I wish some things would have turned out differently, but I know many others do too.

I am going to find something fun to do today, indoors or out (depending on the heat!) and have fun with the boy.

We deserve it!

And so do you!

Stay fabulous my friends!