growth

Falling apart together

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

*Most of my posts are about life and my thoughts, opinions and ideas, however, every once in a while I feel the urge to write so strong and am always amazed at how it comes out in different forms… this is one of those poems I tend to churn out when I have those moments. I hope you enjoy it. FB aka Lady Mao

Sometimes it feels like you’re falling apart.

So many things, so many false starts.

The deal you thought would surely come true.

The friend you thought you truly knew.

The wish you made upon that star.

The following day a scratch on your car.

Broken promises told yet again.

Then the rare find of an old, lost friend.

Suddenly life seems to be look up.

You find yourself drinking from a silver cup.

Yet you are weary from life, not sure what’s true.

Trusting seems to be hard for you.

Your outlook on life seems so cheery,

Yet deep inside you feel bleak and bleary.

You put on a smile, don’t wear that frown.

Think positive thoughts, don’t stop to look down.

Keep moving along faster than snail pace.

You might actually get through this life race.

You find hope in the most unlikely places.

You may even find hope in the spaces.

Places you never looked at before, become a haven for treasures galore.

Hope in fellow man seems likely once more, for once it seems there isn’t a war.

At least on this avenue through your passing of life.

Hold on, stay up, don’t give into strife.

Maybe I’ll see you while you’re passing though.

You’ll know then it’s not only you.

We all fall apart but can come back together.

Though this mortal coil may be light as a feather.

Please never give up, don’t forget who you are.

A beautiful human who wishes on stars.

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On the road with technology

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Ahhh technology and the cool things I can do!

Take for instance, this post!

Today I am on the road, yet my blog is coming out like clockwork because of technology!

my road trip

It allows me the luxury of allowing my thoughts to be delivered daily, as planned, while I am not tied to a chair in front of the computer.

I write it, click when I want it to come out and voila! Instant readiness to post at a certain time!

Sure it’s simple, however this wasn’t available when I was a teenager!

Heck I remember when microwave ovens came out!

Something that could heat up food, with a little “cooking” too, in a shorter time than it took to pop a Hungry Jack TV dinner in the oven! I mean That was COOL!

Then there were the Walkman… my generation’s iPod! Sure you had to carry tapes and all but I mean we now had mobile music and large headphone!

walkman

But we still had to go into a home, business or find an outside pay phone to call our family and friends!

I remember I coveted a typewriter forever!

I always wrote, of course I was going to write a great novel! I did pen many “books” that are in boxes somewhere hand-written! And yes, I am searching for those in my house!

Now we not only have personal computers and iPads and tablets, but we have computers on our phones!

I can check emails, my blog, job posts, search the Internet and make calls from this handheld device!

iphone

Of course there is the added bonus of maps, games, and all kinds of apps too numerous to list!

I can set myself reminders, make a virtual note to myself and do so many things that seem way cooler than the “space age cartoon” of “The Jetsons”!

I mean I am ok not having a flying car at this point. I haven’t yet mastered the smarter-than-me phone!

So while this gal is trucking north with my loves, my post is coming out to you from my thoughts on Tuesday and thinking how awesome it will be to read this while I am in my smarter than me van!

Have a fabulous Thursday my Graceless Friends!

 

Sunday Reflections

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

sun 8 2 15

As I sit staring out at the beauty of the country side I pause to reflect.

If think of where I have been and where I am going.

I wonder what will happen next.

Life is so full of surprises you never know what is coming.

Some are good and some are plain awful.

I needed to reboot and recharge my mind, body and soul.

I know I recently went to the beach for family vacation, however once I returned and got a job and started working again, I realized how crazy busy I am.

I love it dearly.

I love spending time with my son, my family and friends.

But sometimes I need a time out.

So when I was offered a chance to stay at a friend’s country cottage for the weekend, you can bet I jumped at the chance.

I love being totally surrounded by nature.

I am far enough off the main road that you really don’t hear too many cars.

At night the sky is lit up only from the moon and the heavens.

I bathed in the light of the blue moon.

I slept in and woke up to come out onto the porch with my coffee to watching the humming birds and squirrels.

I hear no one.

I kept my communication very limited so that I can just be in my mind.

Sometimes I just need to drop out.

With the boy visiting family, I decided I would drop out for a few days.

It is bliss, but I miss my boy.

So while I soak up the moon rays, the sunshine and the sounds of nature, I will plan for my re-entry back into the maos.

But for now, I will enjoy just being.

As the sun sinks on another beautiful Alabama day, I bid you a fabulous Sunday my graceless friends!

sun 8 2 15 b

 

 

 

My lifetime love of books and reading

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

I love to read.

I love to read just about anything really.

When I don’t read I feel like I am lost.

A ship set adrift on an ocean of silence.

I can get lost in a book.

Yes a real, honest to God book with paper pages.

I do read on the computer, the kindle, my smarter-than-me phone and iPad.

I still enjoy the newspaper and magazines.

But a book is what can calm me.

Can make me loose myself for hours. Days.

I get so caught up in them I feel as though I am a part of another world.

I find my moods sometimes run the course of the characters while I am reading.

So reading something soul scathing or “horrifying” can twist my mind.

My train of thought never strays far from the pages I am reading and I find myself talking and thinking in the manner of the characters I absorb.

No I don’t get all psycho crazed serial killer, motherless, faithful, happy human on people… like I said I read a bit of everything!

But I can’t help but wonder how they would think, talk or react in situations or conversations I am in.

It’s like they become real.

Maybe it’s because I started reading at such a young age.

My imagination took me to magical places. Dark places. Places most of my friends didn’t visit mostly due to the things I learned in the books I read.

I read The World Book Encyclopedias and others of the same genre because I had access to them.

Before the internet I remember sneaking into the adult section in the library.

Not to read the love stories or the erotica, though I did read those, but to real the real life stories they didn’t necessarily allow in the kids section.

It’s like they wanted to hide us from the realities of life.

I remember reading Amityville Horror when I was around 12. I had to hide it because I would have bad dreams and it was definitely not something this 12 year old girl needed to be reading with my vivid imagination! I remember I would jump when the house would creak. I was a rebel hiding my books so I wouldn’t get in trouble!

It was close to the time when the original “Poltergeist” movie came out. Yeah, I totally freaked myself out! Between that and Cujo I was definitely on my way to loving horror movies and books were something I could do anytime and almost anyplace.

I learned to read in the car to tune out my brother.

When I got in trouble and had to go to my room I read.

Can’t watch TV? Read a book.

I can actually say I read more than I watch TV.

I went years without cable only watching the occasional movie and TV at friend’s homes. This was when I was an adult!

I also have no choice but to finish a book. I can’t not finish. Maybe it’s my OCD or maybe it’s because I started it and I have to finish it. Even when it’s horrible writing and painful to get through I have to finish.

When I read I learn. I look up things that I don’t understand and still have a dictionary, not dictionary.com, to look up words if I am unsure of the meaning.

Some call me odd and that’s ok.

I would rather read than talk to people some days!

I urge you to read something.

An article, a book, whether printed on paper or electronic reading just read!

In enriches your world!

Have a fabulously graceless day!

 

Migraine Me

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Since I was a teenager I have had migraines.

Sometimes they are so intense I have to lie down in a dark, cold room and just lay there because I can’t really function. To walk feels like nails piercing my brain through the souls of my feet.

They used to make me so sick physically, but now I only have a bit of nausea, which I will take over praying to the porcelain god any day, thank you.

I’ve tried various medications and home remedies.

I have finally found a combination of both that help me at least get through one better but sometimes medication and sleep are the only relief.

The worst ones last for more than a day and yes, I have considered the Botox shot more than a few times due to the torture. I never thought I would be all for sticking a needle full of botulinum toxin into my head, but now there are times when I would happily pay to have someone shoot me up if it got rid of this 7th ring of hell in my head!

I sometimes put my hair, if I can bend over without getting sick or falling over, under freezing water until it penetrates my scalp and cools my brain off.

Often I will pull my hair from the roots to take the tension off my head.

Yes life with migraines is not all fun and games.

Though sometimes it is like a video game with the lights and auras I would prefer not to see with nails and knives digging into my brain.

I feel like I am disassociated with my body and that I am looking from the outside in.

I can function most of the time, but I know people that don’t know me and know how they affect me must think I am drinking or on drugs (I am but not the fun kind trust me) due to my slower responses. Or my really off the wall comments.

“You don’t feel well do you?”

“Oh just another migraine, is that a cat climbing up the wall? Wait that wasn’t what I meant!” That is an actual conversation I had with the boy’s teacher one morning! Once she realized I had a migraine she and I both laughed at my response. We get along very well and I always speak how I feel to her and vice versa but that one was new for her!

I guess I “look” normal to a degree.

I feel like I look crazed and would immediately look to see if there was a hospital band on my arm like I had escaped from a mental health facility!

I am actually writing this article while in the mists of a migraine.

I was scheduled to work and my patient was taken to the hospital. My first response was she ok. My new boss said I was really thoughtful as I’m sure there are those caregivers whose first response would be to ask if that meant no work. I can’t imagine not asking about the person taken to the hospital! And I don’t know the reason but I do know she is 94. I don’t care that she is 94 people live longer and have better quality of life I pray she is going to be fine. If my services are needed by her at a later time I do hope I get to meet her. If not it was meant to be. I can’t look at it any other way.

I told my boss I had a migraine and that I would be happy to fill in elsewhere if needed. She thanked me but the need was not there at the moment. And to take care of myself.

Now I am going over in my head the conversation because really, what if I said something about cat on the wall?! Not too cool!

I think all will be ok as when we got off the phone I remember us talking about my next job so keeping hope alive it is all good! I love this job!

So I finally put some food in me, a breakfast sandwich, go me! The photo shows proof I ate and also how it spills out is a bit how my head feels!

migraine brain breakfast

Yes food and coffee and water. My diet plan for the time being!

migraine coffee

Now I am off to try to work and get things done. Slowly that is!

Just saying a little prayer that tomorrow there is no migraine hangover! Ugh!

Keep hope alive!

Have a fabulous day my friends!

Songs, music and the patchwork of my life

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Anyone who knows me knows I have an issue with matching songs to artists and vice versa. Heck, I may not even know all of the words to a song but it’s got a loop so I will sing said loop and often learn that is not what is being said at all. Also said loop will get stuck in my head and drive me crazy!

That all said I am not the one you want for musical trivial pursuit!

However I do love music and of course songs will play somewhere, the grocery store maybe, and I recall that time of my life.

Like memories, we have songs that can do place you somewhere else in time.

Both good and bad memories, some even bittersweet.

Like the song “Yellow” by Cold Play.

Go on those who really know me be impressed!

I love that song.

I also associate it with heartbreak and the ending of a time in my life that I thought would never end. I also see it differently as it was played at a close friend’s funeral. So fitting really. He was a DJ and it was one of his favorite songs. He was also engaged to my then sister-in-law.

So yes, it has a deep meaning for me.

The boy and I love Queen, pretty much everything as I am educating him as I can and his dad has a greater collection and introduces him to other musical genres as well.

We love “We will Rock You”, “We are the Champions” and “Another One Bites the Dust”. Yes I am all about the classics.

We rock out to those some mornings going to school.

It’s one of the few times he gets to hold my phone! But whenever it comes on the radio or in the store, he squeals out “Mommy our song!” so we sing and dance if possible!

Recently it was “Ice Ice Baby.” Oh yeah word to ya mother!

We had video and a dance party.

A part of me was dancing like I was in a club, yet dancing in the kitchen with my kid! I was laughing at the hilarity of our dance and the memories and knowing I am making new memories with him now from songs I enjoyed.

I have learned I have to pull up the lyrics as some songs aren’t quite appropriate for a 4 year old!

Some radio station was playing NIN “Closer” and bleeped out the inappropriate parts.

He caught that. So he asked me what they were saying. Oh joy!

I actually had to pull up the lyrics because, again, I could not recall them word for word and they play it on the local rock station often.

Talk about getting creative!

The “I want to f*%$ you like an animal” became “I want to play with all the animals”.

“I want to feel you from the inside” became “I want to see you inside” like the house because that’s rational for him, he was 3 when he first heard it. Fortunately through the whole song I make up and sing loudly new words to cover the blank spaces if he asks!

I never thought a lot of the “profane” language in songs until I had my child.

It never really bothered me and it still doesn’t. I just have to really censor what he listens to!

I had to change a fabulous Tool song recently because there was no way I could fill in all the blanks they left out on the fly and he was upset because it had a “really good beat of the rock and roll” as he puts it! Yes it does my son, but I really don’t want to explain why you heard certain words and I definitely am not ready to explain certain adult content to you yet! He may be almost 5 but really I am just not ready to subject some things on him. He will already hear and learn more about the world than I did at 5 because there is so many outlets to get information!

Another favorite of mine is “Me and Bobby McGee” by the late, great Janis Joplin. I am a huge fan and even do karaoke with that one and a few others.

It reminds me of my youth and life in general.

How I once could just GO if I wanted to and how people can slip away in the blink of an eye.

It also comforts me to sing and it’s one of my go-to songs.

Like “Amazing Grace”. I always sing it acapella but can play it on the piano.

It was one of the first songs I learned on the piano and my daddy’s favorite song.

I long ago stopped singing in public, other than the occasional karaoke or family/friends gatherings, but I sang that song in front of a few hundred people at my daddy’s funeral last year.

He had asked me if I would sing it at his funeral and I promised I would.

I sang acapella and I sang it to him, to my family and friends.

I blocked out everyone else and just sang my heart out through my tears.

I still sing it now, I have sang it to the boy too since he was a wee one, but it can be bittersweet.

I’ve gotten better singing it to him, I don’t cry as much, but sometimes the tears still happens.

He will always take my hand, kiss me on the cheek and tell me, “You know Pops and I love that song and we love you singing it, right Mommy?!” To which I cry a little more but they are happy tears. And somewhat a little bittersweet too.

I guess you could say music is the patchwork in my life that fills the void with sounds of my memories.

Have a fabulous day!

The Knitting Circle

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 2 Comments

“Will the circle be unbroken Bye and bye Lord, bye and bye There’s a better home awaiting In the sky Lord, in the sky”

 I haven’t sat in a knitting/crocheting circle in at least 30 years.

I had forgotten the fun and comradery of the ladies in these groups.

It’s more than just about knitting a scarf, hat or gloves.

It’s about sharing time together.

Everyone is genuinely friendly and seem to care about the others and their lives.

They all love a project and love to share what they are doing.

They even give you instructions on how to do this!

How do I know this you ask?

Because this week I officially became a part of one of the best knitting guilds around.

And the best part is I am just learning how to knit!

I thoroughly enjoyed taking the lady I am caring for to her group.

I thought I would sit away from the group and write or read.

However I was introduced and the conversations started did not stop!

Somehow within 45 minutes of my being there, I was handed a pair of knitting needles and told to “follow her”. Her being the lovely lady who was in charge of the group. She led me into another room with a closet that held boxes and boxes of yarn.

I was told to “pick one” and the one that “spoke to me.”

 knitting

I am so thrilled!

We are making items for the Salvation Army and I will now be contributing a scarf!

For the record I will be going once a week with “Miss Candy” as it seems I am now a part of this lovely group.

Pictographs of knitting has been found on cave walls and the walls in the temples of ancient Egypt.

It has been around for thousands of years.

I learned so much from these ladies who were knitting for various reasons, a baby blanket, scarves for others and self, fingerless gloves and a few other items I did not get to examine yet.

These ladies are magical with their hands, two needles and a ball of yarn!

I somewhat feel like I am back in school as I was sent home with my starter knitting, my needles, yarn and bless them, written instructions for the most basic scarf!

They were so patient in teaching me and honestly, every one of the 14 ladies present made a point to tell me hello and say they are thrilled to see “the younger generation” taking a shine on an art that some feel is dying out.

I can see what they mean.

Home Economics used to teach knitting, cooking and home making.

Now there is “culinary arts” but not a lot of knitting and home making.

Schools don’t want to look as if they are not with the times and I get that. I really do.

But when they are cutting funding for basic things like physical education and how to live, not just sex education, they are in a way cutting off the very fiber of what has been taught for generations.

Sitting in the knitting group I fit in.

No matter what my age is, I am with kindred souls.

Knitting is good for the soul.

You can knit pretty much anywhere you can read a book which was always my escape.

But a bonus is you can talk and knit if you like. For someone like me this is a wonderful thing to keep my hands busy and my mouth busy at the same time too!

I get another lesson on Friday when I take Miss Candy to another appointment and you can bet I am looking forward to it.

I hope you all have a fabulous Wednesday!

Judge Me

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Judge Me.

Please.

Point out my flaws.

I know them much more intimately than you ever will.

I know their origins, their beginnings from before my existence.

Point out the error of my ways.

How you think I wronged you so empirically that I am beneath you.

That you are superior and have no flaws.

My faults, yes they are many.

You could fill volumes with my sins.

Pointing that one accusing finger at me while you forget 4 are pointing back at you.

Who are You to judge me?

I just want to know.

I have committed no “crimes” yet you decide to play jury and Judge to sections of my life you deem are not up to your standards or are wrong to you.

Unlike you I will admit them. Apologize when needed. I will work to not make them again. I continue to improve upon myself.

Unlike you.

So please, Judge Me.

 *My “observations” on those who judge others are it seems to trend that those who are the loudest and more often those who have great pain and suffering within themselves. They tend to see the flaws in you than run far deeper in themselves, and it scares them to even admit to it a little bit, because that would mean they are not as perfect as they perceive themselves to be. That would be tragic. So they judge others.

This is only my observation.

So Cheers My Graceless Friends!

 

Courting Nostalgia

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Currently I am courting nostalgia of only 2 short years ago.

I had dropped an email into the wrong file and I clicked onto another file, still not the right one but this was much, much better.

I tumbled into my memories from where I was and what was happening in my life.

I stepped back into a world where my loved ones had not departed this plane and my big love dog was loping around the house to dance party time. The boy was yet to be potty trained and I was on the wild ride of life.

I was learning how to be a single parent.

I was employed and one of my best friends and I had reunited for another go as roomies.

I was preparing to head north for our yearly trek for the annual pig roast at my sister’s home.

I was driving back and forth from Tennessee to Alabama to spend time with my family, my parents, and my daddy.

So much of my life felt like it was on hold or in a holding pattern due to circumstances beyond my control.

Two years doesn’t seem like long but now seems like a lifetime.

I dig deeper into my memories.

I remember laughing hysterically with my roomie, my boy, big dog and the kitties.

She taught the boy goofy games and silly things to do and how to eat with clothespins.

I remember going to the lake with my family and watching my son and my daddy “fish” together. The boat ride we went on and how I knew that time was precious and I took none of it for granted.

I remember the trip to Pennsylvania with 3 adults and a kid in diapers and how we laughed so hard we cried and even had to pull over, a flawlessly executed maneuver in major traffic, so my girl could get sick and then felt better. Our trip was sorely needed and I got to see my sister, brother in law, niece and nephew along with the rest of my Yankee family.

No I did not take this for granted. Not one minute of the time.

The movies in my mind of this time of my life seem almost like old black and whites now.

I allow them all to wash over me and assault me for I will never forget them.

I hold them close to my heart, these precious memories.

For you see, my wonderful roomie passed away peacefully, but unexpectedly in her sleep one night. I still miss my sister and the woman who was tiny yet impossibly strong and would give you the clothes off her back and help anyone who needed it.

My strong daddy, my rock, finally lost his brave battle to the insidious cancer that ravaged his body in the end. I miss him daily and sometimes so much that it pains me physically.

Big Love aka Jethro aka our fur bebe doggy passed because it was just his time.

My career path has changed along with my state of residence.

My son is now well potty trained along with growing up to no longer be considered by son as my “little” boy.

One of my happy constants is our annual pilgrimage to PA for the pig roast with my sister and the Yankees.

But as I dip my toes into the memories of my past I remember the happiness, the conversations, and the love.

I pull from my family and friends, old and new, and new again.

I harness the love, hope and prayers and I make it through another day.

I watch my boy grow into a young man, slowly but it’s happening far faster than I would like.

So I slide back into this warm pool of my past.

I close my eyes and hear the laughter, the advice, feel the love and happiness, taste the worry but always I keep hope alive.

The bridge from then to now is my hope.

Have a fabulous Sunday!

 

Moments

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

At times I feel only have stolen moments.

There are moments I give to others

Some are obligations I give freely

Others are obligations I begrudgingly oblige

Some are wanted

Many are not

Some are unexpected

Those are both happy and sad

Good and bad

Ecstasy and terror

Moments

Brief or long it is all we have

I often forget how to give to myself

Moments I need to breathe

Moments I need for my sanity

Mere moments

Yet they yearn for more

Clamor for my precious moments

I try and I fail

I disappoint

Them, myself I am disappointment

Steal them

Take them

Rip them from me

Mere moments in time

What more do I have to give but moments?

I hope you all have fabulous moments today!