love

Missing my boy

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

I hate this emptiness.

My boy goes to his dad’s for a few days every other week.

You’d think I would be used to it after 2 years but I’m not.

I am already dreading his 2 weekends in a row away from me.

God knows I do need a break.

I know he will have fun.

I can’t help but worry.

It isn’t like we didn’t try to make it work.

We went to couples therapy before we even got married, however in hindsight, I realize we shouldn’t have married just because I got knocked up.

But it was a miracle I was able to have a child, our families felt it was right and we had been best friends for so long.

I was in a whirlwind of shock.

I tried so hard and I know he did too.

But if we are honest, it wasn’t the best idea.

And a treasured friendship was shattered.

But we got a beautiful, smart, willful, amazing child from it.

So I work on the “co-parenting” thing.

But my arms ache for my little mini me in male form.

And I breathe.

Because I can’t do anything else.

I write for him too so that one day he knows how much it hurt me to let him go but that I had to.

I know he will understand.

He just came to me, put his little arms around my neck, and said, “Mommy, I know you’re working but I just had to tell you I love you and you’re the bestest mommy I ever had.”

How could I not miss that?!

I have written how much it meant to me to be his mommy. How I never thought I would be a mommy. How happy I am he chose me to be his mommy “this time” as he puts it.

His journals from his mommy.

Stories and poems of my life before him, my thoughts and dreams and how he was a part of my dreams.

Later I will be mom or even mother, but for now I am mommy.

When he is not with me I miss him more than I ever knew was possible.

I love this child with a feral intensity that I didn’t know I was capable of.

I’m thankful he has family on both sides that love him and want to be with him.

I know how precious that is.

I know I want only the best for him but I can’t do everything.

I know I make mistakes and that I am far from perfect.

I know I can’t control how everything plays out.

I know I will never stop loving him no matter what he chooses.

I know I will never stop fighting for him and being his strongest supporter.

I know I will never stop teaching him how to be a better human being.

I know I will never stop disciplining him, even when he’s 30 because I know I will always be his mama. No matter where I am.

So now I will write in his journal and look at pictures of this beautiful creature I created and be thankful I have him for the time I am given.

Because I am thankful I have him at all.

b run

My Sunday Hope

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

beach hope

I hope your day is beautiful in some way.

I hope that you find a bit of happiness in the spaces.

think happy today

I hope that you can find your center, for even a moment, and that you be filled with peace and tranquility.

I hope that you find love.

I hope that you find laughter and joy.

But most of all I hope you can find some peace.

peace

Wishing you all a beautiful Sunday my Fabulous Friends!

 

I have the Best Friends

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

your kinda crazy friends

I really do have the most Amazing friends.

Through the years (from 5-35 plus in some cases) I have met and kept the most awesome friends through this crazy of life journey that I am on.

Recently, I had some heath issues along with “career” challenges. Then toss in the “normal” challenges of life and I must say, my friends have gone above and beyond to support me and be there for me in the best ways that they can.

From phone calls, texts, driving me to appointments, employing me, being there for me, letting me stay in their homes, just genuinely Caring about my well-being.

It is a two way street we check in with each other and make an effort, even just a “I got you & I’m here with an ear if you need me” kind of thing.

I can’t do it justice to try and articulate “it” but it’s late, I have a deadline so I will give it a shot!

The top ten reasons our friendship Works and Lasts

antique friends

  1. Calling just to “check in”. My friends and I have this built in sense of “hey maybe they just need to hear a friendly voice on the phone so I will call. It won’t be an epic conversation, though it could turn that way but they need me so I am calling.” It works for us
  2. A text of utter randomness or filled with rude words and love. “Hey my body hurts like I was hit by a train so I thought of you and hope you’re well. Love and gropes.” Yeah we are like that but worse!
  3. An open invite to stay at each other’s homes. Even the friend who publically puts on Facebook No One is to stay over. Yeah they mean it for 97% of the population – guess who’s in that 3%?!
  4. They offer to drive you Anywhere. Medical appointments earn you special stars in heaven. I have a few angels I count as friends on this one! Anywhere can also mean drive bys (not shootings *ahem), the store to get you meds for a plague that has struck you down, to a kid related event and actually stay with you and not drive off (*another star in heaven group) and just go with you almost anywhere!
  5. They are ALWAYS THERE for each other.
  6. We feed each other. Whether it is cereal and milk, sushi, random breakfast, something we created or meal in a bag, the point is we give nourishment to each other in more than just food, but you won’t go hungry with any of my friends!
  7. We help each other out financially when possible. This can be anything from cleaning each other’s homes, giving a few dollars just cause, to selling items on eBay or supporting each other in business. None of us have gotten so bent about money that it has cause a problem with our relationships because friends help friends. Period.
  8. We can go sometimes weeks or months without actually talking or seeing each other but always pick up like it was yesterday. We don’t do it often but it happens. Thank God for texting!
  9. We don’t judge. Really. It seems weird in this time of the judgmental society and we just don’t do it. We may not agree with each other but we don’t judge and we move on through it. We wait it out and talk about it. But we Never judge.
  10. We love each other unconditionally. We truly do. How else can you survive in this world if it wasn’t for the love of you friends and family?!

people sent to you

Friends are the family you choose.

I believe they are souls you knew in a past life and you find each other again. There is no other way I can explain the connection I have with my friends otherwise.

They all know about each other though sadly not all have met.

I wouldn’t expect all of them to get along because they are all so different.

We all have a common core part of our being that just knows and accepts that person for who we are.

I didn’t set out to make all of these fabulous friends.

I see it as I was just fortunate to find the loves of my past lives and share this life with them!

Have a Fabulous Friday and Enjoy your Holiday Weekend My Fabulously Graceless Friends!

So glad you’ve joined the madness of my mind!

 

 

Happiness, History and Hope

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 11 Comments

This has been one of those wild, non-stop, emotionally charged, deliriously happy, historic, filled with hope exhausting days!

Technically it is now Saturday but since I haven’t been to sleep yet it’s still Friday night for me ha!

My morning started off a bit crazier than I would prefer, but I felt it in my soul it would be awesome. It was Friday, I was happy, the boy and I had/have plans for our weekend so all is good.

Then I am shopping for a few items in the local store and am inquiring about a movie I am looking to purchase for the boy (James and the Giant Peach – a classic). The young man helping me is 20 and we are discussing old school toys which are still awesome and he was impressed I shared with my son those toys, movies and I was just being me when I get The Text “SCOTUS rules marriage bans unconstitutional, marriage equality for all!

I literally shouted, “WhooooWhoo” out loud and started getting happy tears and dancing….then remembered I was talking to this really nice dude and so I tell him why, being kind of gentle with my words because I don’t want a confrontation, though you can tell he was open minded and whatever I had learned, it just made me happy. He looks at me a minute and tells me, “You are so cool I wish you were my mom…I hope that doesn’t sound creepy!” I just hugged him!

First of all let me say what this means to me.

My child will be able to grow up in a world I did not have.

Equality. For Real.

When I was a child it was a “sin” for couples of different races to marry. I never understood this and always went to my daddy with these kinds of questions. I understood he didn’t always agree with people, but he was one of the most honest, compassionate, genuine and fair people I have ever known. He cared for everyone involved in a situation.

This was a subject he and I had discussed several times together.

Coming from the deep south where it’s a “sin” just to be different, I valued his opinion and he was very respected both in his personal and his business life.

I was always questioning things, rooting for the underdog and generally trying to figure out why people couldn’t accept others for who they were.

He told me the fight for gays and marriage equality was very much like the civil rights movement in the 60’s and 70’s.

He would know. He stood up for what was right and believed in those who could make a difference and do a good job no matter the color of their skin. He fought to make the industry in which he worked here in Alabama equal across the board. Black, white, male, female. We were all equal in his eyes.

Though he did not agree with the gay lifestyle per se, he did understand their need to be equal and as human beings they deserved the same “luxuries” we are all given.

He had strong Christian values and told me “He wasn’t God and it wasn’t his place to judge.”

This is why I love and miss my daddy every day.

I think he would be proud that I am standing up for what I believe in.

That I choose to teach my son ALL Human Beings are Equal finally in the eyes of the law.

I have always taught him, and continue to do so, that everyone of us are HUMAN. We are all the same creatures who have different faces and personalities. You may not like everyone, you may not agree with everyone, but you need to respect everyone from a human standpoint.

We haven’t gotten into some people you just have to step away from yet!

I KNOW there is still a long road ahead.

I know there are battles to be fought.

I know, and it saddens me, that some people will resort to violence and hatred to get their point across. Needlessly.

However I Never thought I would see this ruling, this historic moment in history!

Happiness fills my soul for so many friends and a long battle finally coming to an end allowing anyone to marry the one they truly love.

It gives me hope to think of our future of more tolerance.

That my son will hopefully know less hate and have more compassion for others.

He doesn’t see “color” unless he’s referring to “my skin is white or golden when I get sun. Mommy’s skin is light brown but when she gets sun she gets browner but not as brown as my friend Nicolas at school he is brown brown.” It is only a description of his friends and people. I will teach him no different because it is beautiful and real the way he sees the world now.

Yes happiness, history and hope.

Love wins.

It does my soul good to feel all three in a single day!

Have a fabulously graceless Saturday!

I will be enjoying ribs and home cooking with friends this evening! All in happiness!