my mind

Peaceful, patient Monday Christmas countdown

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes I can’t believe how fast time moves. And other times it is so slow,

I can’t believe we are only days away from Christmas. I try to be so positive and sometimes plans and life just don’t work out the way you want them to.

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Sometimes I have to set a course for what is best for me and mine. It isn’t always the easiest course but in my soul I know it’s the best one for me. I may not always be able to articulate it to others, and I am learning that is okay.

I just have to get through and I have to be me. it may seem selfish or like I am dropping my basket some, and I do, though not everyone sees that either. But I will pick it up and move on, because it is what I choose to do.

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Whatever course I take I know I will do the absolute best as I see it for everyone. Each life touches another. Sometimes the link falls but if we are true and patient the link falls back into place. Patience is hard and can be extremely hard this time of year. We miss those we love, we get irritated at others, we lash out when we don’t need to and don’t speak when we do. Finding a peaceful balance is what is the hardest to do. Yet I never give up. I keep hope alive. Always.

I have an amazing miracle as well as so many others to never give up and always, always have HOPE.

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Wishing you all a peaceful, patient Monday my fabulous friends.

 

5 days til Christmas, social media break and making it through

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

I can’t believe the countdown until Christmas is only 5 days away!

I am seriously not ready and still have so much to do. I am just trying to hang on to those things right in front of me and the things that need to be done that I can do.

I have even stepped away from social media for the past 48 hours in order to try and get things together. Something I normally wouldn’t do as I keep in touch with many family and friends through it but sometimes you just have to realize you need to stop!

Between getting into the grove of the new job which included a very early start Friday, a late afternoon client visit and being on call this weekend, I am struggling. Not to mention that the lovely weather here in sweet home Alabama has wreaked havoc on my body and the joyous *sarcastic drip* migraines that I am prone to have also decided now is the time to visit.

My phone and texts have blown up and I have been struggling to respond and answer, missing several, of course. It’s a learning curve and one that is painful, icky but enlightening all the same.

Oh and we are 5 days out to D-day and this is first time I have ever been this far behind on actual Christmas things I get done! It’s one thing to not mail cards, but I haven’t finished shopping, creating, ordering and I still have to cook. All of those things which I will do in some fashion somehow some way in the next 4 days! Keep hope alive! I have to believe it because I know it’s true.

One of the many calls I have had this weekend was from a caregiver who sits with a family for their mother. Yesterday our client was taken back to the hospital and her prognosis does not look good. Not only is it right at Christmas, but her and I share a birthday. Being in this industry for so many years I understand what the final outcome will be. It still doesn’t make it any easier and I haven’t even met this client yet. The way things look I most likely will not get to meet her. It’s another reminder of how fragile life is and how I am once again in an industry where I feel like I am responsible for someone’s life other than mine and my child’s. It is a scary good feeling but also very humbling.

It is a hard time of the year for so many for so many reasons.

We never know how much time we have or that we have with others. I know I have family and friends who are not well and I pray that I get to talk or see them again before it is too late. We all have guilt, or some of us do, and we want to do and go and see more, but we can’t always do what we want to do.

I wanted a lazy weekend. I was fortunate to somewhat get it but not necessarily in the way that I had hoped. I wanted to also get things done. Yes, I understand that sounds conflicting but for me it isn’t… it’s just how I am. I didn’t get everything done I wanted to get done. I didn’t get to be lazy like I wanted either. Not completely but I am OK with that. I chose to be OK with it because otherwise, I end up feeling guilty and bad and wish I had got more done and there I am wishing away today for what I didn’t get done the day before.

So now I hopefully can move forward and get a few things accomplished. It is kind of cool to put an unplanned self-imposed kabash on your social media time. I do know when I get back on later that I will spend probably an hour just responding to things I had commented on or conversations I was having prior to me just dropping off like that.

I am keeping hope alive for a fabulously glorious day!

I wish you all the same.

Good luck with the Christmas countdown!

And for all of the others, Happy Festivus for the rest of ya!

 

 

Good manners and kindness should be a part of everyday life

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Growing up in the south I was taught from an early age to mind my manners.

Yes mam, no mam, thank you mam please. It was a little chant I was taught. And of course yes sir and no sir.

I was taught to be polite, respect my elders and not interrupt others when talking unless it was an emergency. I was taught to think of others and to be kind. Failure to mind my manners could find me in a lot of trouble with my parents and grandparents.

I still say mam and sir to people, both younger and older and even my age. It comes from getting in trouble enough that I just said mam to all females and sir to all males. It isn’t always easy and I do slip up sometimes, but for the majority of the time, I stick to what I feel is the right way to be.

I am teaching my boy to “mind his manners” and raise him the way I was raised. Sometimes it is a challenge.

It seems to many, that manners and being polite and kind to others isn’t on the top of their list of priorities.

This is something I truly cannot understand. I realize that the mam and sir are more southern, but manners and consideration of others is something that should matter to everyone.

We have a society of “me” people. People who seem to forget or don’t care about others. If you ask them “Would you like a drink?” we get a “yeah sure” instead of “yes, please.” Still 2 words but just nicer.

My boy is 5 and when he gets excited he sometimes forgets and interrupts myself and others. I gently remind him to wait and he will apologize. What is sad that so many adults feel like they have the right to interrupt anyone and say what they please with no regards to how it may make someone feel. If adults do this and children see it, why wouldn’t a kid mimic said adult?

We need to think of others instead of being so selfish. We need to stop and think before we open out mouths. We need to be a bit more compassionate towards others.

Tis the season to help others. Why not start with the first person you see today? Why not try to at least go out of your way to be nice and use your manners every day for the rest of the year? It isn’t that much longer, only 2 more weeks.

I challenge you! Maybe it will stick with you and you will carry it over into the new year. Just think if everyone helped one person a day and said kind words and used their manners for the next two weeks how many people could be affected? It would be a bowl full of positive. It’s worth a try!

Keep Hope Alive!

We can do this!

Finding my groove again

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

I have recently started a new job and I love it. However, after not working full time for about a year, I am struggling to get back into some sort of groove. I knew it would be challenging, but I didn’t know it would be quite this hard.

On the plus side, I truly love what I am doing. I have an awesome, understanding boss and it is very close to home. I do have to drive across town some, but it is totally worth it because I believe in our mission and I love helping people. I feel like I actually have a career again, something I did not have with my last full time job. I am making about half of what I made, but I have opportunity for advancement and know I can help grow the company. People need the services we provide, and having been on both sides of the field, I have a broader and understand the needs of both the clients and the caregivers. Yes, I need the money but I know that I don’t want to just work for more money and be completely miserable. It isn’t worth it and it isn’t fair to me or mine.

My biggest challenge has been managing my time so that I am still fully there for the boy and keeping up with my blog on a daily basis. The first is easy in some ways. I will always be there for him I just have to figure out how I can rearrange things so we can continue to do things together in shorter amounts of time.

I can’t stop writing; I think a part of me would be lost without my blog. It’s funny how something I started on the side has grown into something that fills me up.

I am already loosing time with friends and family because my free time is not as abundant as it once was. Even when I had more free time, I was cramming it so full of things that I was not getting things done. Then I get stressed and sick and then nothing gets done.

So in a way going back to full time work is forcing me to be better with my time management. I am nowhere close but I am getting there. Keep hope alive! It’s the best motto for me.

We often get so caught up in our own lives and our own needs, in what we think is important, that we forget those things that matter most. We forget to look at life from a different perspective. It isn’t always easy and it is easier to rationalize to ourselves that the way we are doing/seeing something is the best course. But if we look closely and examine it, we realize that we are doing what is best for us or easier for us or so we think. It is hard to think otherwise. It is easy to be selfish and blame life or circumstances for why we can’t follow through or be there for someone. Sometimes it is the truth. Other times it is an excuse because we don’t want to look too hard at the things that really matter. It can be depressing.

Life is so precious. We never know how much time we have. I know I don’t want to waste another second on regrets. I have too many as it is. I work to turn my regrets into life learning experiences. Not all of them are but I am learning that sometimes I can find a small morsel that I can learn from. I do my best to not repeat the things that cause the regret in the first place.

So today I am moving forward with hope and positive thoughts. I am going to banish the negativity and not be as hard on myself. I can be my own worst critic.

As one of my wonderfully, fabulously close friend says, “It’s a great day to be alive!” It is. No matter what crazy life thing happens, we woke up alive. We may have aches and pains, there may be fear or drama or things out of our control, but we can control how we react to people, places and situations.

Choose to be positive. Choose to keep hope alive. Choose life.

I hope you all have a fabulously wonderful Wednesday.

Much hope, happiness and positive thoughts,

Lady Maos

 

 

The start of the week before Christmas

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Ahhhhhh here we are at the beginning of another fabulous week! And not just any week but the week before Christmas.

I’m sure most folks have done their shopping, got things in order and are ready for the holiday. For me, yeah, I am still behind! But that’s OK by me because I am at peace with it. Finally. It seems after all these years it took me having a child and being laid off from my job to realize other  things that are more important.

I quit the black Friday shopping about 20 years ago. If I couldn’t find what I needed for family and friends then it wasn’t necessary. Over 15 years ago I realized it didn’t matter if I bought presents or made them. If the recipient wanted something I couldn’t afford and was upset about it, then I didn’t need to be doing something for them. After losing family and friends my circle shrank even more. I always made sure the children in my life, and ones I didn’t know, had Christmas because I love seeing the beauty of Christmas magic through a child’s eyes.

When my son was born I wasn’t working. His first Christmas he was only 3 months old and well, there isn’t a lot a 3 month old needs as far as toys! For his second Christmas, and him being the first and only grandchild in both families, it was a bit of overkill. He had so much that he literally couldn’t play with everything. It seemed to happen the next year too.

By his 3rd Christmas, his father and I were no longer together so I think we both tried to make up in some way for us not all being together. (For the record, we swap Christmas eve each year so that he gets to be with both families on Christmas day. Yes, it can be challenging but this way he gets to be with both of us.)

Last year I scaled back a bit and he was just as happy. After all, he gets two Christmases and he is not wanting for anything. This year I have scaled back even further. I also realized I was letting Santa get too much credit for all the hard work I put into each gift for him. I did this with his birthday and it seemed to work out well. He gets so much from friends and family so I no longer worry he will feel like he is “missing out.”

Plus, I am teaching him the joy of giving to others as well as spending time with family and friends.

It’s been a rough year for me financially and I really don’t want to loose the little ground I have gained on a bunch of toys that will be set aside or forgotten because there is an abundance from everyone else.I have been blessed with wonderful friends and family who help me out too, but I do want to be able to provide for him myself.

Part of me providing is teaching him how material things aren’t what is important but that the love and time spent with friends and family is. It isn’t an easy task when every paper, commercial and store has “Toys that You Need” splattered across every surface that you can see. He loves to say, “I want that!” with every commercial or circular sent in the mail. So I asked him what he really wanted. If he could have just 3 things what he would really want. I told him to think about it and get back with me. That boy continues to amaze me. He wanted his Pops in heaven, his Jethro dog, also in heaven and maybe some toys that Santa or mommy thinks he would like. Let’s say it together now, “Ahhhhhhhh!”

Of course within the next hour when he was watching television he said, “This toy could be one of the ones you get for me mommy!” about 15 times! But still. I think he’s understanding you can’t always buy the gifts he “thinks” he wants. He is understanding that people, and animals, are more important than all of the material items he can get. Don’t get me wrong, he is a 5 year old boy and loves his toys, but he loves his family and friends too. He will chose people over things most of the time.

So I am not sweating the small stuff this year. I know that my friends and family understand my financial challenges. I am hoping to spend time and good meals with them. Those important things. Not to say I won’t give and receive a few gifts, but I am looking forward to the time with them. Not what I get or give.

I hope you all have a fabulous Monday.

Don’t knock yourself out or go into debt this season. Enjoy those you love if you can, and if not, plan for before or after, just get together!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Newsflash…I am not perfect!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 4 Comments

The fact is I have never, nor will I ever be perfect. I make mistakes. I let people down. It’s not that I want to let others down, but sometimes life happens and I can’t do all that I want or said I would do.

I forget things sometimes.

I have the best of intentions and seem to always say, “Yes, I will do it!” And I mean it. I want to do it or take care of it. I end up overloading myself and sometimes, I do so much and keep going until a sickness or my body knocks me down. Yet I still keep trying to go on.

Sometimes I don’t do things fast enough for others. I am working on teaching the boy patience, but I don’t expect to have to explain patience to adults. More often than not they can be worse than my 5 year old in the patience department. I am also guilty of being impatient.

I have flaws. Lots of them. People can chose to accept me for them or walk away.

Sometimes I get frustrated or angry and raise my voice. Then I feel guilt for snapping.

I don’t always handle things like they should be handled.

Sometimes I drop my basket and loose my shit.

I forget that I am human.

It’s like I try so hard to make sure everyone else is taken care of, happy and getting what they need that I forget to take care of myself. I then find myself resentful but have no one to blame but myself.

Right now I am working on finding my balance. .

At one point in my life I had my life much more organized. I was cheery most of the time. I worked long hours but I loved my job. I may have grouched some but I was still able to keep myself in check and get everything done that I needed to get done. I also didn’t have my boy and the life priorities I have now. In some ways it was easier, yet it was also hard too.

After my miracle boy came along, I let a few things slide. When his father and I realized we could no longer live together I know I made many mistakes. However, I also realized that no matter what we were his parents and good or bad, I would make sure he knew that I was always there for him. Loving him no matter what. Sometimes I fail miserably but yet he knows, as he has told me, that everyone makes mistakes and he loves me no matter what. He knows mommy will always be there for him and that I put him first.

So my my attitude, my demeanor, my thoughts, my car, my home and other things may not be perfect, but I know that his love for me and my love for him is perfect. That makes my mistakes and my colossal errors at bit easier to handle.

I have started again working full time after a year of not. I am dropping things left and right. I am still trying to find my balance. Still, I know that he loves me no matter what. I am also beyond blessed to have people in my life that love me and accept me for me. Flaws and all.

So if you are expecting perfection from me, I am afraid I can’t always deliver. I can, however, promise you that I will admit my mistakes, my flaws and my imperfections. I also know that to one little boy, he finds me perfect and never judges me because he knows that my love for him is built on a solid foundation of unconditional love.

So if you find yourself frustrated and irritated at not being perfect at something, realize we are all human. It is a part of life and try to work to make it better.

No one is perfect. Although we can be perfect for each other.

Keep Hope Alive!

Saturday and a bit of Frost

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes there is so much in my mind, yet a song or poem sticks out more than others.
Robert Frost is one of my many favorites and this poem is screaming in my head to get out. So I am sharing it here.

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leafs a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Of course now I always think, “Stay Gold Ponyboy.” Sorry if you don’t get the reference but it will always be a part of my lovely memories.
Keep Hope Alive!
Have a fantastically, fabulously Saturday!

Tis the season for joy and thieves

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 4 Comments

Tis the season of giving, of hope, of friendships and of love and family.

Sadly, it is also the season of lies, greed, deceit and thievery.

I got home late the other night after dropping off gifts and playing Santa’s ghetto elf. I was tired, but feeling so blessed and happy to be a part of helping children who wouldn’t have Christmas and knowing their parents/guardians would be able to breathe a bit easier and their little ones would have presents on Christmas day. I had driven many miles to drop presents off for 18 children. It was dark and I had worked a full day. I was exhausted but also excited. These sweet children were going to have Christmas!

I then learned that the previous day a home in our neighborhood had been broken into. This happened in the middle of the day when the son went out for a few hours and not turned on the alarm. He came home to find the house had been ransacked and many items were stolen. Presents, jewelry, TV’s, computers… basically anything of value that they could grab they took.

Having been robbed myself several years ago around Christmas time I know how they felt. Shocked, sick and violated. I believe the ones who robbed my home went out the back window as I pulled into the driveway. They had also stolen a spare key. Needless to say my roommate and I had the locks re-keyed that night and took turns keeping watch as we were both freaked out. These idiots came back a week later. We guessed it was to finish off the bottle of the good booze we had in the cabinet. I’m sure they were surprised they couldn’t get back in.

The first time “visited” they had helped themselves to a few drinks out of our coffee cups. Classy thieves. We had, of course, dumped the rest of the bottle as it felt dirty. They had ransacked our bedrooms, pulling everything out of drawers, flipping mattresses over and even drew on the bathroom mirror with my makeup. I tossed what was left because it felt unclean. The local law enforcement chalked it up to kids and the holidays. They only became more interested when they realized one of our legal, registered guns was taken. Even then, they weren’t too concerned. Neither was our landlord. We promptly moved out within 3 weeks to a home where we at least felt safer and got a big dog. It seems many thieves are deterred by large dogs and I had been wanting a dog so I got my Christmas wish on that. But the things we lost that couldn’t be replaced just made us sick. Family heirlooms and jewelry, our cameras and computers. We were by no means well off but they robbed us of things that we couldn’t place monetary value on because it was sentimental to us.

The thieves were finally caught about a year or so later. It was a ring of teens who had apparently been hitting homes and taking the items and selling them for cash. Several of the kids came from good homes. Of course, nothing of ours was recovered even though we had been regularly checking pawn shops and the like as had our friends for months in the hopes of recovering at least a few of the items that were taken from us.

Why do people feel the need to take from others? I mean don’t they have some kind of voice inside their head that says, “This is wrong. Karma’s a bitch & I don’t need to do this”?

I was an absolute wreck all day until I delivered those gifts for the kids. I had put them all in bags, then in large black plastic garbage bags to try and conceal what was inside. I was so worried someone would break into my jeep and try to steal the clothes and toys that had been collected and purchased for these babies.

What is sad is that I even felt that way at all. That I had to worry about someone breaking into my old beat up jeep and taking from children who wouldn’t have anything for Christmas if I did not get these gifts to their parents.

I ask you to please remember to be safe this holiday season. Lock your cars and your homes. Watch when you are out and about, even in broad daylight. It seems these people are getting bolder and not caring about the time of day, just that they have the “opportunity” to take something from others.

Tis the season to be joyful. It is also the time when, if we don’t do it all year as I think we should, we should be watching out for each other. Not taking from each other.

This greediness and self-entitlement needs to stop. Not just during the holidays, but all throughout the year. There is nothing worth dying for or going to prison for in someone else’s home, car or that doesn’t belong to you.

Let’s work to do the right thing. Not only for others but for yourself too. Because remember, what goes around comes around. Karma really is a bitch!

Keep an eye out but also keep your spirits high too.

Keep hope alive my fabulous friends!

 

 

I wish

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

i wish

I wish I had a magic wand.

There are so many things I would do.

I would give money to those who needed it. I would make those who are sick well. I would make sure every child had Christmas and that no one would ever have to go hungry again.

I would build a bridge to heaven so that we could visit those who passed and we miss more than we can ever say.

I would find homes for all of the animals that no one wanted.

I would stop abuse of any kind.

People would be kind and respectful to each other, no matter what their background, color or nationality.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

I do believe that dreams come true.

Keep hope alive.

i wish better

Trust

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 5 Comments

Trust is something that I give easily. At least at first. I believe people. I am not naïve but I believe in “guilty until proven innocent.” I also give multiple chances to people. It can be considered a flaw but I see it as we all screw up and deserve another chance. I have hope for humans. Probably more than most.

When I love I don’t do it half-heartedly. I go all in. Many times I am disappointed or let down, but yet I still believe in people. I’m still a romantic at heart.

When I am done, I am done. Once I have been hurt over and over, I finally realize I can no longer be around someone who doesn’t respect me. At that point I remove them from my life. Sometimes I will respond to a text or email, but when said person has not changed, it is pointless.

Yet still, I sometimes have a soft spot in my heart for them. I realized it was because I didn’t want to have regrets. I wanted to find it in me of how I learned something from the experience or that even though I couldn’t be around them, maybe they weren’t that way with everyone.

Then I realize sometimes, I am deluding myself. I have to really look hard inside myself and admit to myself I was wrong. I made a huge mistake. I have regret. What’s even worse is when my mistake hurts someone else. It is unintentional but it happens. That hurts worse than when the original person hurt me.

I do not want to hurt anyone. I mean I have fantasized about hurting a few folks in my life, but it was due to their actions towards myself and others. For the most part, I just want toxic people out of my life. It doesn’t matter how much I care or cared for them. I want them gone.

If you hurt my family, I become a psycho who will hunt you down and your world will never be the same again, I can promise you. My therapist says it is because I believe and trust so openly and willingly in the majority of humans than when they go against my family, I flip out like I should have done when they were going against me and hurting me. I would say I am getting better. It is a slow process.

I still trust. I still believe. Yet I find myself wary of some. It is an intuition of sorts. For some people, I meet them, I get a good feeling and I automatically trust them. The majority of the time I am right on the money with my gut feelings. Other times I am so off I might as well be at the north pole because my compass was Wrong!

I have to say, there are people I believe in, even though trust may have been marred in some small way, if we can talk it out and acknowledge it, the trust remains.

I know I am nowhere near perfect. I have broken the trust of others, usually trying to protect them from something else. I have made mistakes and it makes me sick to thin about actually hurting someone I love. I work to rectify it.

Trust is a fine line to walk. Sometimes the lines blur and I may question myself. In the end I know I do what is right for me and mine.

I still believe.

Keep Hope Alive!