my thoughts

Saturday and a bit of Frost

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes there is so much in my mind, yet a song or poem sticks out more than others.
Robert Frost is one of my many favorites and this poem is screaming in my head to get out. So I am sharing it here.

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leafs a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Of course now I always think, “Stay Gold Ponyboy.” Sorry if you don’t get the reference but it will always be a part of my lovely memories.
Keep Hope Alive!
Have a fantastically, fabulously Saturday!

Tis the season for joy and thieves

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 4 Comments

Tis the season of giving, of hope, of friendships and of love and family.

Sadly, it is also the season of lies, greed, deceit and thievery.

I got home late the other night after dropping off gifts and playing Santa’s ghetto elf. I was tired, but feeling so blessed and happy to be a part of helping children who wouldn’t have Christmas and knowing their parents/guardians would be able to breathe a bit easier and their little ones would have presents on Christmas day. I had driven many miles to drop presents off for 18 children. It was dark and I had worked a full day. I was exhausted but also excited. These sweet children were going to have Christmas!

I then learned that the previous day a home in our neighborhood had been broken into. This happened in the middle of the day when the son went out for a few hours and not turned on the alarm. He came home to find the house had been ransacked and many items were stolen. Presents, jewelry, TV’s, computers… basically anything of value that they could grab they took.

Having been robbed myself several years ago around Christmas time I know how they felt. Shocked, sick and violated. I believe the ones who robbed my home went out the back window as I pulled into the driveway. They had also stolen a spare key. Needless to say my roommate and I had the locks re-keyed that night and took turns keeping watch as we were both freaked out. These idiots came back a week later. We guessed it was to finish off the bottle of the good booze we had in the cabinet. I’m sure they were surprised they couldn’t get back in.

The first time “visited” they had helped themselves to a few drinks out of our coffee cups. Classy thieves. We had, of course, dumped the rest of the bottle as it felt dirty. They had ransacked our bedrooms, pulling everything out of drawers, flipping mattresses over and even drew on the bathroom mirror with my makeup. I tossed what was left because it felt unclean. The local law enforcement chalked it up to kids and the holidays. They only became more interested when they realized one of our legal, registered guns was taken. Even then, they weren’t too concerned. Neither was our landlord. We promptly moved out within 3 weeks to a home where we at least felt safer and got a big dog. It seems many thieves are deterred by large dogs and I had been wanting a dog so I got my Christmas wish on that. But the things we lost that couldn’t be replaced just made us sick. Family heirlooms and jewelry, our cameras and computers. We were by no means well off but they robbed us of things that we couldn’t place monetary value on because it was sentimental to us.

The thieves were finally caught about a year or so later. It was a ring of teens who had apparently been hitting homes and taking the items and selling them for cash. Several of the kids came from good homes. Of course, nothing of ours was recovered even though we had been regularly checking pawn shops and the like as had our friends for months in the hopes of recovering at least a few of the items that were taken from us.

Why do people feel the need to take from others? I mean don’t they have some kind of voice inside their head that says, “This is wrong. Karma’s a bitch & I don’t need to do this”?

I was an absolute wreck all day until I delivered those gifts for the kids. I had put them all in bags, then in large black plastic garbage bags to try and conceal what was inside. I was so worried someone would break into my jeep and try to steal the clothes and toys that had been collected and purchased for these babies.

What is sad is that I even felt that way at all. That I had to worry about someone breaking into my old beat up jeep and taking from children who wouldn’t have anything for Christmas if I did not get these gifts to their parents.

I ask you to please remember to be safe this holiday season. Lock your cars and your homes. Watch when you are out and about, even in broad daylight. It seems these people are getting bolder and not caring about the time of day, just that they have the “opportunity” to take something from others.

Tis the season to be joyful. It is also the time when, if we don’t do it all year as I think we should, we should be watching out for each other. Not taking from each other.

This greediness and self-entitlement needs to stop. Not just during the holidays, but all throughout the year. There is nothing worth dying for or going to prison for in someone else’s home, car or that doesn’t belong to you.

Let’s work to do the right thing. Not only for others but for yourself too. Because remember, what goes around comes around. Karma really is a bitch!

Keep an eye out but also keep your spirits high too.

Keep hope alive my fabulous friends!

 

 

I wish

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

i wish

I wish I had a magic wand.

There are so many things I would do.

I would give money to those who needed it. I would make those who are sick well. I would make sure every child had Christmas and that no one would ever have to go hungry again.

I would build a bridge to heaven so that we could visit those who passed and we miss more than we can ever say.

I would find homes for all of the animals that no one wanted.

I would stop abuse of any kind.

People would be kind and respectful to each other, no matter what their background, color or nationality.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

I do believe that dreams come true.

Keep hope alive.

i wish better

Trust

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 5 Comments

Trust is something that I give easily. At least at first. I believe people. I am not naïve but I believe in “guilty until proven innocent.” I also give multiple chances to people. It can be considered a flaw but I see it as we all screw up and deserve another chance. I have hope for humans. Probably more than most.

When I love I don’t do it half-heartedly. I go all in. Many times I am disappointed or let down, but yet I still believe in people. I’m still a romantic at heart.

When I am done, I am done. Once I have been hurt over and over, I finally realize I can no longer be around someone who doesn’t respect me. At that point I remove them from my life. Sometimes I will respond to a text or email, but when said person has not changed, it is pointless.

Yet still, I sometimes have a soft spot in my heart for them. I realized it was because I didn’t want to have regrets. I wanted to find it in me of how I learned something from the experience or that even though I couldn’t be around them, maybe they weren’t that way with everyone.

Then I realize sometimes, I am deluding myself. I have to really look hard inside myself and admit to myself I was wrong. I made a huge mistake. I have regret. What’s even worse is when my mistake hurts someone else. It is unintentional but it happens. That hurts worse than when the original person hurt me.

I do not want to hurt anyone. I mean I have fantasized about hurting a few folks in my life, but it was due to their actions towards myself and others. For the most part, I just want toxic people out of my life. It doesn’t matter how much I care or cared for them. I want them gone.

If you hurt my family, I become a psycho who will hunt you down and your world will never be the same again, I can promise you. My therapist says it is because I believe and trust so openly and willingly in the majority of humans than when they go against my family, I flip out like I should have done when they were going against me and hurting me. I would say I am getting better. It is a slow process.

I still trust. I still believe. Yet I find myself wary of some. It is an intuition of sorts. For some people, I meet them, I get a good feeling and I automatically trust them. The majority of the time I am right on the money with my gut feelings. Other times I am so off I might as well be at the north pole because my compass was Wrong!

I have to say, there are people I believe in, even though trust may have been marred in some small way, if we can talk it out and acknowledge it, the trust remains.

I know I am nowhere near perfect. I have broken the trust of others, usually trying to protect them from something else. I have made mistakes and it makes me sick to thin about actually hurting someone I love. I work to rectify it.

Trust is a fine line to walk. Sometimes the lines blur and I may question myself. In the end I know I do what is right for me and mine.

I still believe.

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Beautiful Sunday, time for sharing and SEC Champs

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Oh what a beautiful mornin’, oh what a beautiful day. I got a beautiful feelin’, everything’s going my way.

How I wish that was true! Sadly, I haven’t cloned myself yet nor received new body parts, but I woke up breathing and still free to as my good friend says, it’s a great day to be alive!

The other day I wrote about my love, and lack, of sleep. I am hoping to get some rest today, however, I will also be running around getting things done.

let her sleep she move mtns

I did have a fantastic day yesterday though. I set my alarm to get up and we went and volunteered for a local Christmas charity for kids. I was in “Santa’s shop” in the back helping the kids “shop” for their parents. Once they picked a gift I sent them on to the next station where their gifts were wrapped up and they went back out to the party. I can’t tell you how much fun it was to see those kids so happy to be able to get things for their mom and/or dad. Some of them were so funny and so serious. I made sure to ask, “Who are we shopping for?” because not all of them have both parents or even a parent. Being part of such a fabulous group of volunteers and being able to help so many is, to me, a huge joy and blessing!

sharing christmas

After the party, we went to a friend’s house and watched the SEC Championship game and in case you weren’t aware the Alabama Crimson Tide rocked it out and Won! Roll Tide Roll! The food was fabulous and the company was pretty good too! I found another female who was nuttier than I was about cheering, and after a few adult beverages, we were hollering and screaming and jumping up and down. My throat is sore but man did we have fun!

au al football

So today as I run my errands to pick up for a few more kids, I love playing Santa’s elf, and do all of the things that need to be done, I say a prayer of thanks. I am so thankful for my friends, family, loved ones and also be able to help others along the way.

I hope you all have a fabulous day!

Keep Hope Alive!

Fabulous, challenged & sleep deprived but that’s life! Totally rockin’ it oh yeah!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

challenges life interesting

Sometimes just trying to get onto the dang computer can be a challenge.

I mean really, I don’t download stuff. Well a few photos but nothing else. No games, no thank you. They spread germs and viruses and such. Don’t nobody got time for that! Yet it gets a cold and its 20 minutes for me to just get into my basics. I got someone on it tomorrow because fabulous gracelessness can’t handle this and the rest of the maos in life at the moment.

sell crazy elsewhere

I’m out here trying to make life work and go with the flow and the flow sometimes gets me… the current becomes more like a rip tide! The waters may be a little choppy at time but for the most part, I can deal with those swells. Other times the rip tides turn into hurricanes and away life goes in a totally different direction than what I was “thinking” it would go, even including those crazy variables.

This week has been like that and it seems to keep going with some wacked out zingers thrown in for the “extra enhanced” fun life experience!

calm storm

Last week at this time I was with my family at the beach. We went to the zoo, I got pooped on by a lemur, I ate too much, we went on the sand (the Gulf waters were a bit cool so we chose to not go past knee deep & I only did ankle deep*sorry I digress on bouts of relaxation sigh…), watched football and drove a lot. It was fabulous! It was pretty stress free and was filled with family, fun and love and a good deal more relaxation and sleep.

Sleep, oh blessed sleep, how I miss you!

i heart sleep

I have now rejoined the land of the day workers and though I love it I am still getting re-acclimated. Sleep is one of those things I am lacking!

Of course it is also the giving season and it seems like it’s amped up on one of those energy drinks times ten so “days off” aren’t truly off. And by “off” I mean no alarm of any kind and sleep and vegetation in the PJ’s with random wanderings to the kitchen to forage for food… but that’s me. I volunteer and I love it but did I mention I started a new job and I need sleep?! I guess I will sleep when I am dead or probably sleep through another alarm clock and be late but hey, I will be there!

sleeping is my drug

I will get to sleep in a little later, keep hope alive, but have tasks/challenges/responsibilities I must keep. However, I will go about them with a good amount of joy and of course I must reserve a bit of sarcasm and a pocket of get ‘er done mah way, and life will move along. The beauty of all of it is life keeps moving along. No matter what. Sometimes I wish it would move faster and other times I need it to slow the hell down. This crazy mama needs a break before the body just says ‘Nope”. And it will. So I will take it easy but be fabulous and always graceless while doing it!

With that lack-of-sleep ramble and maybe some hidden wisdom (psst! Sleep rocks and our bodies need that and a bit of rest to function!), I will make it through the day!

After all, it’s a fabulous Saturday here in Alabama!

For my football fans Roll Tide baby!

ua for au 2

And War Eagle too!

au

Keep hope alive!

Brand new Friday

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

gm beautiful its friday

Today is a brand new day!

Hopefully it will go smoothly and pleasant for us all. I know it can’t be perfect, but close to perfect would be nice!

This week I started a new chapter in my life doing one of the things I love so much. Helping in the planning and taking care of others. I have been doing this at the basic level but now I get to step it up a notch. It gets me out of the field, which I love, but physically is draining on my body. I will get to still work with clients, families and caregivers making sure the clients are cared for by top notch caregivers. Thus far after a week I love it and my boss is a fabulous human.

The week after a holiday weekend seems to always be a bit of a challenge but we made it!

Plus, the fact we are diving right on into the Christmas season and I feel I am behind on my responsibilities doesn’t make things easier.

That’s when I have to remember to step back and take a breath.

I am blessed with wonderful people who care about me and help me get through this crazy life. I know I am far from perfect, I have dropped more than I want to admit but I am working to pick it all up.

I don’t think I have been this happy to see Friday for a while!

I realized it has been a bit over a year since I worked a 40-hour work week outside of the home. I think I am still in shock getting up early each day and not only making it to work, but being happy and working all day. I actually enjoy my job. Yes, it is new and I know I haven’t even touched on everything I have to learn and do. However, I am all up in my element of doing what I love. Being able to help place caregivers with families isn’t always easy. I love helping to find that perfect fit for families. I love my job!

I hope you all have a fabulous Friday and a wonderful weekend!

Keep Hope Alive!!!

friday end or beginning

 

Sending out hope

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

hands to stars

Sending out hope for today.

Sending out a hello.

Sending out a bit of feel good.

Feeling a bit happy and mellow.

Thinking of how I can reach for the stars.

Writing down dreams for the wishing jar.

Walking around with a smile on my face.

I’m not giving up on the human race.

I believe we can help each other.

After all, we are sisters and brothers.

So take it slow, one day at a time.

Live and love, try not to blur the lines.

Learn to dance, do the jive.

Always remember keep hope alive.

dance cheaper than therapy

 

He grows so fast

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 4 Comments

As he sleeps I watch him.

He has grown so much. It seems I see changes in him daily.

Where has my baby gone?

He still snuggles and loves his mama, but he is getting so big.

I know all children grow up.

I know my son will grow up. He will start to not need me as much. I understand it is the way of life.

I want him to grow up. I want him to be healthy and happy.

I have no expectations that I place on him other than to be kind to others and true to himself. To love completely, to be honest, to be compassionate. I do my best as he is the greatest gift I have ever been given and my greatest contribution to this world.

Those responsibilities are awesome.

I want to freeze time. He is my only baby and I could never imagine not having him in my life now that he’s here. Even when I am, now repeating, things I never thought I would hear myself say, I can’t imagine not having him. “You have to wear clothes at the table, including pants.” It is now hard to not grin when I say it. I get it little man. Being naked is fun but you’re 5 now and it’s ok at home, with no company sometimes, but you know you have to wear clothes to the table!

He is truly a miracle. I was told I couldn’t have children or that it would be a “miracle” if I conceived without treatments. Needless to say he is a miracle.

At one of my baby showers, my cake said “Better you than me!” and I completely understood. After all I was 39, my friend, my same age, had a 14-year-old at the time. But we all knew this child was a miracle. And the universe has a sense of humor!

The Boy sighs and turns over. Like he knows I am here he stretches out his little arm and I hold his hand. He smiles in his sleep. I whisper, “Mommy loves you always, no matter what.” He smiles and murmurs.

This is beautiful. This is paradise.

No matter what else is going on in my life or the world, the moments like this make every crappy day, all the painful moments, everything that that may be bad in the world, completely fade out and all that I feel is this overwhelming love.

He no longer looks so baby-ish and it seems his arms and legs grew longer in just the past 24 hours.

But watching him sleep, I see him as I saw him 5 years ago. My tiny baby miracle boy.

IMG_7750

I am so glad he chose me to be his mommy.

Have a wonderful day and keep hope alive!

Ramblings on a Tuesday

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

There are times that I have so much going on inside of my mind that I get to the point I have no idea what I want to write about. Setting a deadline for oneself can be a true challenge. I know I am harder on me than most people are, but I can’t help it. I am working on that!

Writing is such as release, such freedom and it helps me from the inside out. It is also a beast to have words, stories, poems and thoughts in one’s head and not be able to convey or articulate what one is feeling.

We can go through so many emotions in a short span of time. Elation, embarrassment, anger, love, hurt, depression, joy and shock. Just a few of the emotions that can be experienced on any given day all within hours, or even minutes.

You thrilled to be celebrating your latest achievement. You realize that your friend who is celebrating with you has had one too many celebratory drinks and is now talking you up to the local bowling club. The rude person in the other car is weaving in and out of traffic, nearly causing accidents and gets your blood boiling on the way home. You get home and find a love letter from your child but find out that a relative has left you off the guest list for a family party because you aren’t important enough. You wander to the kitchen to find your loved one picked up your favorite ice cream. As you are savoring the delicious treat the phone rings and you find out someone you love was in a fatal car accident.

Life changes in an instant. We never know what tomorrow will hold, or the next moment.

We toss out words like “love” and “hate” with no real feeling behind them. Lip service to appease.

I know my “I love you” is sincere, but I question others. Not the ones that I know love me, but those who say it to try to get on my good side or get something from me. I got my BS detector ages ago and I know how to use it!

It may just be me, but it seems the “love thy neighbor as you love thyself” is forgotten because you don’t even know your neighbor. You just judge them because they were loud last weekend when you were supposed to get to sleep in but they had a birthday party for their kid and it got a bit rowdy. Did you even go by and say hello, offer to help or do you just assume that they are bad people because of one incident?

I was convinced one of my neighbors had unruly children. I could hear them in the yard with their loud talking, trash talk and bashing of others. Then I heard them at it again, except this time, mama must have come home early. Because then I hear her, voiced raised, “We live in a nice neighborhood. Voices carry. You are all acting as if you were raised in the wild. You were not taught this way nor will this continue.” I sit, hidden, on my porch silently cheering for the mama and feeling guilty because I was being judgmental.

Truth be told if someone heard me and my boy sometimes it could sound like we are good old rednecks acting crazy in the yard. We are acting a bit crazy as we ride bikes, draw with sidewalk chalk, play ball all while making up silly songs from opera to country making each other laugh. We aren’t exactly quite either. Voices carry.

I guess I am writing about feeling and emotions. More like rambling than writing but then that’s ok too. It’s what I do here at fabulous gracelessness. Let loose my thoughts on the world. Sometimes it makes sense, other times it doesn’t. Oftentimes I get emails or messages saying “I am so glad someone else could put into words the thoughts and emotions I have.” We are not alone. We tend to forget that too. Don’t get too proud that you end up alone.

I hope your day goes beautifully.

Remember to always, keep hope alive!