never give up

Crawling out

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Sometimes I just have to remember who I am and what I need to keep going. It’s been so long since I have written anything here and I feel like I don’t even know where to start.

I can get lost in looking to see what my last post was. I get lost with the 20 something other writings I have going on. All of them are close to me. Some are too close and some the memories and feelings I still am working though.

I’ve written volumes on loss. It seems this year has held more than enough loss for me and mine.

Loss of family and friends seemingly out of the blue has left me out of sorts.

It has brought the boy and I so much closer. His loss is different than mine but it is still loss and takes an emotional toll.

It has made me look hard at myself and see more clearly where I need to take action.

It has made me grieve my lack of action on relationships of those I cherish but I can’t seem to find or make time to connect with. The frustrating part is those I try and need to communicate with don’t reciprocate and I am left in a frustrated funk that I make myself climb out of.

I deserve a damn Emmy or Oscar or whatever for my performances of “I am doing okay” but yet I still chant my mantra of Keep Hope Alive.

This is not a pitty party. This is me climbing back out and making myself write again. I will not allow myself to sink any further.

Plus the boy has asked me why I don’t work at night anymore writing. I told him I thought he didn’t like me working at night. Even though it is usually after he is in bed and he would prefer I lay down with him for a bit! And then he told me that since I wasn’t writing as much, I don’t seem to be as happy. Like whatever I was typing or writing, the bad stuff gets out and I can shine again.

The whole out of the mouths of babes thing is so true. He sees where I am lacking and how I need to get around to it. He notices many things most adults miss.

So this is my pledge of at least once a week to write.

I have so much started, now I just need to finish and do it. Doing so will allow the rest of it to come out. To fall into the world.

I am crawling out of the tangles of my mind.

In the interim, please remember to tell those you love how you feel. Make the phone call or visit. Remember we all bleed the same. We are all members of the human tribe.

Keep Hope Alive.

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It’s the middle of the week so I pretend I’m superwoman

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

It’s the middle of another fabulous week!

Depending on the time of day it’s either on the upward trek or the downward slope to the weekend.

I’m hoping for downward slope! Or maybe not it’s another work weekend for me. No rest for the wicked and all of that happiness.

u r u dr seuss

For me trying to juggle being mommy, relationships, work, writing, life – it can be a bit overwhelming. I don’t give up easily but I do make concessions I’ve come to realize.

I used to be so anal about making sure certain things were done. I was more organized and it sounds like a good thing but in reality I was stressing out if I didn’t follow through on the schedules and deadline I set for myself. After I became a parent it seemed to only get worse. Becoming a single parent really put the kibosh on having everything “just so”. I’m proud when I keep the boy alive, fed and happy and when I keep him and his friend alive, fed and happy I feel like I am freaking superwoman!

sometimes superhero

I know we can all be overwhelmed with the zingers life tosses us.

We just can’t give up, even when giving up seems to be the best option.

You may have more people depending on you than you realize. Just to see your face, hear your voice or know you’re still out there helps them.

So be you, have a fabulous day and keep hope alive!

 

 

I should know by now but sometimes I forget on finding my way back to me

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

I should know by now to not expect life to go as I planned or scheduled but sometimes I just have to question my sanity… or maybe I am question the sanity or lack thereof regarding others.

Life definitely keeps me on my toes.

I think I am going to turn right and end up having to go left. A whole over the river and through the woods adventure complete with mini personal stops tossed in. Add in lack of substance and it makes for caffeine infused and filterless Lady Maos! Yee-haw friends welcome to the week!

Of course the bonus is the boy is home! Seems he had an adventurous weekend as well! It’s so entertaining to hear him tell me what he does when he isn’t with me. He’s working on details and it’s hilariously amusing to see what he will say before reverting to potty talk… literally!

Lately it seems so many people are ill with some form of sickness or another. Loved ones and friends, myself included, by age, illnesses – some worse than others but everyone’s a fighter.

We are also getting more clients, which is great, but I’m required to keep everything within this “hourly” thing when I prefer “salary” because then any extras I do it doesn’t matter when I do an average of at least 4 extra hours a week but don’t necessarily care for the monetary gain.

It’s more than that. It’s the fulfillment of helping others and making lives gel. It’s helping others to remember their own humanity. It is beyond humbling and personal when you are helping someone with their activities of daily living… cleaning, bathing, grooming, bathroom, meal preparation, feeding – those are only a few of the things we do. We dance lightly through tangled webs of family dynamics to make sure our clients are cared for, no matter what is going on around them. Some are for a few hours a week, others are 5 days a week, and then there are those we are with 24/7.  Some people see us more than their own family. I love what I do. It is a part of who I am.

I also have my personal relationships and of course, the boy. The shining beacon in my world who keeps me much more grounded and helps somewhat in that filter thing I have issues with.

It is like I have to go through and around, down and under to get back to me. Re-set and go! Not starting over, just back on the path to where I am supposed to be.

I should know by now but sometimes I forget finding my way back to me.

I may slow down however, I never give up. I always keep hope alive!

Have a fabulous day!

Try not to get lost finding your way back to you my fabulously graceful friends!

Happy Friday! There is HOPE!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

motivational friday

Don’t you love it when you have fabulous things happening but you can’t share it yet because there are still variables and you don’t want to jinx it?! Yeah, that is my life at the moment!

My Keep Hope Alive is working and on a faster scale than I expected in some areas. Things that have had no movement in months are starting to move quickly and I am scrambling to try and get myself as ready as possible to jump when the time comes!

Ahhh life with all of its joy and challenges! And of course in my life, the infamous Murphy of Murphy’s law always reminding me to keep on my toes!

I also realize that my attitude changed drastically a few months ago and I know that has attributed to my way of living and thinking. It was like I was going through the motions, but letting the challenges of life and some people get in the way of my happiness, hope and health. Once I realized and actually took action to change those things, I felt burdens lift and more positives whisper in my ear than the negatives. I admit I didn’t shut out all of those negative whispers, but I have put them in a special spot so that I can look at them and find the positive and then banish them from my life.

I got so caught up in what I needed to do and the semantics of it that I couldn’t get past it to actually finish the task completely or I would find myself forgetting things entirely. There are several factors that played into this and once I began seeing the knots in my lines, I was able to stop, reflect, write out a plan and move forward to untie the knots and move on with life. I had forgotten the simple tasks of writing down and reflecting on how to handle things. For me those are huge and a part of who I am. It shows how “off” I had been in my head and how far I have come.

another_breathes_last

I have felt somewhat adrift at times for a while now. I know that I have an amazing boy, a fabulous support system, a place to live and other wonderful things. But I was letting the negatives feed on the things in me that I wasn’t happy with, and while on the outside you would see the happy me, on the inside I wasn’t happy completely. I wasn’t at peace with myself and my world. I am so much closer. I know it takes time and patience.

Lord what a challenge patience can be for me. I have gotten better, but when you have others constantly questioning things when you yourself are waiting and trying to be patient is can be hard! Then my anxiety kicks in and I forget that peaceful spot in my soul. However, I am now getting better at redirecting myself. I talked about how I do it in caregiving, yet I wasn’t always practicing in my own life and with myself. Once I snagged that piece of the knotted line and untangled it I have found it easier to breathe. Moving forward is much easier now. I am still scared at times. We never know what the next moment holds. I do know that I am not as fearful or lost as I have been.

I know that there is HOPE for me and my life. I hope that by sharing you can also know that it takes time but dreams, hopes and miracles do happen. Trust me. I am proof!

As soon as I am able I will share the good things happening.

Right now I am sharing my hope that you all have a fabulously wonderful Friday!

Never forget to Keep Hope Alive!

You are worth it to invest in yourself and find your inner peace.

You are not alone.

love heals love is all there is

 

We can make it through… just never give up

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

chanel little engine that could

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

I know I can. I know I can. I know I can.

Every breath I take. Every move I make.

Is one step closer to achieving something I need to get done.

One step at a time.

dont give up

It may be a slow step, but it is a step none the less.

I can do it.

I believe in myself.

i believe in me

I know me.

I have faith.

i can write other see it too

I can make others believe it too.

Just a bit of faith and hope and pixie dust.

those who dont believe will never find it

Never give up.

Keep hope alive.

We all struggle, make it worth it

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 2 Comments

peace in heart

It seems I am constantly struggling.

Struggling to find more hours to work.

Struggling to find more time to clean.

Struggling to find a better job.

Struggling to be a better parent, daughter, sister, friend, and partner.

Struggling to just be at times it seems.

Just when I think I am closer to getting it right a complaint comes in.

Trying to please everyone I can’t seem to get it right.

If I take time out for this, when I will do that? If I do this and this, and a portion of that and mistakenly think I have taken care of it all somehow then someone is unhappy. I mean, everyone feels they are the most important, right? If I am supposed to service everyone else first, how am I supposed to take care of my own needs? Don’t they see if I am not whole I cannot produce to the level of their desires and needs? God forbid I say anything for knowing I will get put back in my place. Standing up for oneself is frowned upon unless it is “at the right” time for someone else.

My passion is caring for others and writing. Not lucrative passions but both can be with a bit of cultivation. Of course that takes time and again is filed under “taking too much time” for myself again by some and where would they be if things weren’t done by me? It’s a vicious cycle. One I am working hard to get out of as quickly as possible. I try to keep focus on one thing and not let something else drag me away for something that can wait.

whatever good for soul is happiness

Life isn’t always easy, it isn’t always pretty, but it is life. It’s also what you make of it.

It doesn’t matter if I am financially challenged, physically challenged and questioning my sanity, life keeps on happening. Therefore I must Keep Hope Alive. Or I will be dragged into the pits with no escape. It would be so easy sometimes to just let go, maybe to just not care. Of course I can’t do it nor will I. I care too much. My passions seep out of me. I can no more stop writing and taking care of others than I can consciously stop breathing. It would cripple me more than my body is already and that I cannot live with.

So I continue to struggle. But this time, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see the hope. I feel the sunshine on my face. I will make it out. This time. And again, and again, and again. I will never give up.

Have a fabulous day and Always Keep Hope Alive!

Jigsaw reflection

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 6 Comments

For the record I am trying so hard to keep hope alive. I am trying like hell to be positive. It isn’t easy.

This week was harder than I thought it would be. I am trying to let the light override the darkness in my mind. I feel like I am letting people down, those I love most because I feel like I am going in 50 directions and only maybe getting one thing done out of 50. I know there are thing I could do to make my life better. I am working on it truly I am. I was hoping to be able to write and care for others solely, however I am realizing right now that is not possible. So

I have set out to get a “real job” with more income until I can make more doing what I love. And it is a slippery slope. Being a single mother is hard. Yes I have help, yes I have people who love me more than anything and are willing to pitch in financially and with their time to help. I love them for it and I am so grateful. But I have this built in defect that says I need to be the One who takes care of everything. It isn’t rational and at this point in my life certainly not possible but I am trying. I also know I am his main “there” parent and it is a load I gladly carry.

Once upon a time I had a “real job” that “paid good with benefit”. I went in and gave it my all every day. I left feeling dirty and miserable due to the conditions at the office but I wasn’t stopping because I have responsibilities, a child to raise and life to life. If I want to be able to visit my family and friends I didn’t want finances to be the reason I couldn’t go. When I moved from TN to AL I was able to transfer to a sister company. The pay was better, but the conditions were a bit challenging. Determined I made it work. I had heard the whisperings, read the articles and knew our industry was in deep doo doo. I was assured repeatedly that they had never laid folk off and they weren’t starting now. I had a small savings account which I had put in an interest bearing account. Then I got laid off. Somewhat shell shocked I took the news well and even went back to make sure my workload was taken care of and my customers were transferred over to someone who would work with them.

I was able to draw unemployment for 6 months but after that I have been on my own so to speak. I am beyond blessed to have a fabulous mama, I mean, where else would I get the fabulous from? She does more for me that I would like but I appreciate more than she knows. We don’t always see eye to eye but we love each other.

I am feeling a bit of nostalgia and longing for those that have left this astral plane far too soon. Those who I have always turned to when I was feeling this way. Sometimes I still hear their voices when I scream out into the universe. They always tell me to never give up. I can feel their love.

Last night was particularly hard because it was the 2nd anniversary of my Vicky’s passing. I went through most of my day pretty good, found out my brother, sister-in-law and nephew were coming to dinner so that was good. I picked up another client so that is happy news. Dinner was great, children babbling, different conversations and family time. After the dishes were done, the house was picked up and guests were gone I guess it hit me hard. I was using an excuse about something else, so I could be angry, but I think one of the true reason for my emotions was I still feel the loss 2 years later of Vicky’s unexpected death.

It was so surreal. In some ways, I feel like it was a bad nightmare that couldn’t have really happened. We had planned to take the boy to Chuck E. Cheese since we still had tons of tokens left over from his birthday party and we both had the day off. Dinner with friends would wrap up our weekend and Monday was to start a new week. We had both been through so much and it seemed like life was getting back on track. But when the boy went into her room that morning, came out and said she was sleeping and it was cold in her room I knew. Trying to not look as shaken as I felt I went quietly into her room and saw her laying on the bed. Leaned over like she fell asleep while on her computer with her glasses still on, peaceful looking. But I knew. I touched her leg and it was all I could do to keep from screaming out. I called my other “sister” and said something to the effect of get over here ASAP I am calling 911 because I was pretty sure Vicky was dead. She arrived moments with the police and ambulance and took over the care of the boy. It only took 10 minutes to clear me as a “suspect” and once the boy was gone and I could talk freely, we realized that she had most likely had a heart attack and just died. No drugs or foul play she just died. She was 47. She had just started a new job, met a new guy and was making friends in the city. She had started over again but was happy for the first time in a long time.

I realize we never know how long we have. We never know when we are talking to someone that it could be the last time. If I had known with her I know it would have been more than “Do you need anything from Walmart? Ok no? I love you sister”. I would have hugged her and told her again how proud I was of her and how thankful I was to share a portion of this wild ride of life with her.

Whew talk about cathartic! It may sound crazy but I feel better! Writing down my feelings and sharing them helps me more than I could have ever imagined.

I guess now I will go and work on finding a real job… and writing a few articles! You never know when you will get that break you have worked so hard for.

Know you aren’t alone in your thoughts and feelings.

Know that some days are going to completely suck and that’s ok. There will be better days.

I do hope you all have a fabulous day my friends!

*I dedicate this post to my “sister” Vicky and my “little sister” Woocy. And of course my amazing mama. Thank you all for believing in me and putting up with my madness!

Have you ever had a craptastic day emotionally? How do you handle it? Tell me, I’m listening.

 

 

Just Keep Swimming!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

*If you haven’t seen finding Nemo I am just sorry. I can’t help it. Things get stuck in my head and become part of my mind.

 dory swimming*Dory’s song in “Finding Nemo”

 In my mind this is my Keep Hope Alive motto on another level.

I love this song and I love the movie.

I love Dory.

One of my favorite exchanges between Dory and Marlin are when they are in pitch darkness looking for the mask)

Dory: “Are you my conscience?

Marlin” sighs “Yes, I’m your conscience. We haven’t spoken for a while. How are you?

Dory: “eh can’t complain.”

Marlin: “Good. Now. Dory, do you see anything?”

Dory: Yes, I see… a light. Hey, conscience, am I dead?”

Merlin: “No. I see it too.

I love Dory’s outlook, her friendliness and eagerness. Just the way she zips through life. Caring but sometimes missing a few details. But always happy!

I know people aren’t like characters from a movie, especially a talking fish with memory issues, but there are some folks that do share a few or three of similar traits as movie and TV characters.

We’ve all known Spicolis, Carries (both the scary one and SATC), our Rick’s and Blanche’s and Sauls. There are hundreds of characters and people we’ve admired and laughed with onscreen.

Ironically we find them, or a version of them in real life.

From absolutely the coolest folks you’ve ever met to bat shit crazy put up cameras to see if they are coming!

However instead of focusing on the crazy ones or the righteous ones, why not find the fun ones. The ones maybe a bit off but so endearing and well-meaning they sometimes get overlooked by the bigger fishes out there. Pun intended sort of!

Like Dory. Or at least adopt the attitude she has.

Never give up and just keep on swimming!

What do we do? We Swim Swim Swim!

Keep hope alive my fabulously graceless friends!

Enjoy your day and find a bit of happiness if you can!

And please, enjoy the song “Just Keep Swimming”!

You’re welcome!

 

Happiness, History and Hope

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 11 Comments

This has been one of those wild, non-stop, emotionally charged, deliriously happy, historic, filled with hope exhausting days!

Technically it is now Saturday but since I haven’t been to sleep yet it’s still Friday night for me ha!

My morning started off a bit crazier than I would prefer, but I felt it in my soul it would be awesome. It was Friday, I was happy, the boy and I had/have plans for our weekend so all is good.

Then I am shopping for a few items in the local store and am inquiring about a movie I am looking to purchase for the boy (James and the Giant Peach – a classic). The young man helping me is 20 and we are discussing old school toys which are still awesome and he was impressed I shared with my son those toys, movies and I was just being me when I get The Text “SCOTUS rules marriage bans unconstitutional, marriage equality for all!

I literally shouted, “WhooooWhoo” out loud and started getting happy tears and dancing….then remembered I was talking to this really nice dude and so I tell him why, being kind of gentle with my words because I don’t want a confrontation, though you can tell he was open minded and whatever I had learned, it just made me happy. He looks at me a minute and tells me, “You are so cool I wish you were my mom…I hope that doesn’t sound creepy!” I just hugged him!

First of all let me say what this means to me.

My child will be able to grow up in a world I did not have.

Equality. For Real.

When I was a child it was a “sin” for couples of different races to marry. I never understood this and always went to my daddy with these kinds of questions. I understood he didn’t always agree with people, but he was one of the most honest, compassionate, genuine and fair people I have ever known. He cared for everyone involved in a situation.

This was a subject he and I had discussed several times together.

Coming from the deep south where it’s a “sin” just to be different, I valued his opinion and he was very respected both in his personal and his business life.

I was always questioning things, rooting for the underdog and generally trying to figure out why people couldn’t accept others for who they were.

He told me the fight for gays and marriage equality was very much like the civil rights movement in the 60’s and 70’s.

He would know. He stood up for what was right and believed in those who could make a difference and do a good job no matter the color of their skin. He fought to make the industry in which he worked here in Alabama equal across the board. Black, white, male, female. We were all equal in his eyes.

Though he did not agree with the gay lifestyle per se, he did understand their need to be equal and as human beings they deserved the same “luxuries” we are all given.

He had strong Christian values and told me “He wasn’t God and it wasn’t his place to judge.”

This is why I love and miss my daddy every day.

I think he would be proud that I am standing up for what I believe in.

That I choose to teach my son ALL Human Beings are Equal finally in the eyes of the law.

I have always taught him, and continue to do so, that everyone of us are HUMAN. We are all the same creatures who have different faces and personalities. You may not like everyone, you may not agree with everyone, but you need to respect everyone from a human standpoint.

We haven’t gotten into some people you just have to step away from yet!

I KNOW there is still a long road ahead.

I know there are battles to be fought.

I know, and it saddens me, that some people will resort to violence and hatred to get their point across. Needlessly.

However I Never thought I would see this ruling, this historic moment in history!

Happiness fills my soul for so many friends and a long battle finally coming to an end allowing anyone to marry the one they truly love.

It gives me hope to think of our future of more tolerance.

That my son will hopefully know less hate and have more compassion for others.

He doesn’t see “color” unless he’s referring to “my skin is white or golden when I get sun. Mommy’s skin is light brown but when she gets sun she gets browner but not as brown as my friend Nicolas at school he is brown brown.” It is only a description of his friends and people. I will teach him no different because it is beautiful and real the way he sees the world now.

Yes happiness, history and hope.

Love wins.

It does my soul good to feel all three in a single day!

Have a fabulously graceless Saturday!

I will be enjoying ribs and home cooking with friends this evening! All in happiness!