Jealousy


Jealousy doesn’t look good on you.

I don’t understand your reasoning.

I have nothing to hide yet you act as if I do.

You want the world, the moon and stars, but you want me tethered to your side.

I don’t belong yet I am to appear as a trophy or prize?

Shhh, don’t talk, you can’t believe them.

How can you love when you don’t trust?

How can you act for so long?

How can I ever believe anything you say?

Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve…

Keep running because it isn’t welcome here.

Jealousy doesn’t look good on anyone.

Stop the train, I think I want to get off….


That moment when you are at your wits end and you call your sister and say, “Go out to the pen, grab a chicken, a rooster, whatever you have most of and sacrifice that critter and chant for things to get gooder!” Yeah, I totally had one of those moments.

Times like that is where 80’s movies and song quotes come to mind. “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Ferris Bueller. That’s the first one that popped in the old noggin’. Maybe being of the MTV and a Gen X’er play into that. Who knows?! And really, do I care? Eh, maybe not so much. I mean I can’t even place artist and songs together unless we go way back and even then I may know the entire song but not who sang it much less wrote it!

never know how strong u r until its only choice

By the way, the sacrifice thingy worked, at least for the one issue I had which involved an early start to my morning by at least an hour. And anyone who really knows me knows I am Not an early morning person unless I went to bed really early. I’m more of a night owl. Lately I am just a need more sleep-in-love-with-my-bed-and-think-about-it-far-too-often kind of owl. Human. Whatever!

This week has been a real hum-dinger! I am hoping and praying for a better today and a fabulous weekend. Life is what you make of it. Life may be tossing zingers at me, but I am truly working hard to handle it with class. Sometimes there just are no words. You have to just trust in what is there and believe in yourself. No matter how hard it gets, you know you can get through it. Maybe a little more worn than you had thought, but you make it through.

For me I learned when I had the boy that I can’t let those zingers drag me down for too long. I can wallow in it and I can ask why, but I also have to be present for him. I have to function for him and I want to. Gone are the days of me being able to stay in my pajamas for the weekend or when I come home from work. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sometimes let go

The whole single parenting thing can be very daunting at times. Even if you co-parent well, it doesn’t make other things just easy. If you don’t co-parent well and you have other issues, it can be even worse. I am just blessed to be a parent at all. I am just thankful he is so open and understanding with me. He talks to me about anything and he’s only 5. He tells me he knows he can talk to me about whatever he needs and I won’t get too mad or upset.

I do screw up, pretty much weekly, but I know I am doing something right. I know that my greatest contribution to this world isn’t the words that I write but the human I teach to go out into the world. Love. Hope. Compassion. Understanding. Questioning. Patience. Faith. Trust. All of those things as well as teaching him how some other people hate, and sometime for no reason than that was how they were taught. Heady stuff.

The best part is that he makes life more bearable when things are rough. He loves me unconditionally. That and I now know my sister will do the bird sacrifice for me make all right in my world!

Happy Friday Eve! Keep Hope Alive!!!

thrs is friday eve

 

 

Trust


Trust is something that I give easily. At least at first. I believe people. I am not naïve but I believe in “guilty until proven innocent.” I also give multiple chances to people. It can be considered a flaw but I see it as we all screw up and deserve another chance. I have hope for humans. Probably more than most.

When I love I don’t do it half-heartedly. I go all in. Many times I am disappointed or let down, but yet I still believe in people. I’m still a romantic at heart.

When I am done, I am done. Once I have been hurt over and over, I finally realize I can no longer be around someone who doesn’t respect me. At that point I remove them from my life. Sometimes I will respond to a text or email, but when said person has not changed, it is pointless.

Yet still, I sometimes have a soft spot in my heart for them. I realized it was because I didn’t want to have regrets. I wanted to find it in me of how I learned something from the experience or that even though I couldn’t be around them, maybe they weren’t that way with everyone.

Then I realize sometimes, I am deluding myself. I have to really look hard inside myself and admit to myself I was wrong. I made a huge mistake. I have regret. What’s even worse is when my mistake hurts someone else. It is unintentional but it happens. That hurts worse than when the original person hurt me.

I do not want to hurt anyone. I mean I have fantasized about hurting a few folks in my life, but it was due to their actions towards myself and others. For the most part, I just want toxic people out of my life. It doesn’t matter how much I care or cared for them. I want them gone.

If you hurt my family, I become a psycho who will hunt you down and your world will never be the same again, I can promise you. My therapist says it is because I believe and trust so openly and willingly in the majority of humans than when they go against my family, I flip out like I should have done when they were going against me and hurting me. I would say I am getting better. It is a slow process.

I still trust. I still believe. Yet I find myself wary of some. It is an intuition of sorts. For some people, I meet them, I get a good feeling and I automatically trust them. The majority of the time I am right on the money with my gut feelings. Other times I am so off I might as well be at the north pole because my compass was Wrong!

I have to say, there are people I believe in, even though trust may have been marred in some small way, if we can talk it out and acknowledge it, the trust remains.

I know I am nowhere near perfect. I have broken the trust of others, usually trying to protect them from something else. I have made mistakes and it makes me sick to thin about actually hurting someone I love. I work to rectify it.

Trust is a fine line to walk. Sometimes the lines blur and I may question myself. In the end I know I do what is right for me and mine.

I still believe.

Keep Hope Alive!

 

Mis-Procedure


Everyone has their bad days.

Unfortunately sometimes someone else’s bad days overlap your day in some ways, and then it becomes a part of your day so you get a bit of a bad day, depending on how you look at it.

I usually roll with the flow, because really, I don’t have much choice when life just happens while my plan is in motion.

Not to say that it doesn’t irritate or make me angry but when a situation is out of your control, you just can either deal with it calmly or get all angry and scream and yell. It’s not that you aren’t angry about it, but it is how you handle it.

Today was one of those days for me in a kind of big way, however I was able to hang with my girls so I was able to find the humor and laugh about it but I am still kind of irritated.

I went to have a procedure done on my back.

I have been going to the same doctor for over 8 years so I KNOW the majority of the staff including the director, doctors, nurses, offices manager, etc.

I was going in for a more intense procedure I can only have done every 6 months, but it helps my mobility so well that it is worth it. I have to take a full day to recover, more so than my “maintenance” procedures that I have done intermittently throughout the year.

I do certain stretches and exercises to make it easier on myself but I am truly graceless and end up overdoing something, pulling something or falling down on a somewhat regular basis.

It’s my life.

I own it!

After I “came to” in recovery I was talking to the nurse and said, “You know I don’t hurt like I usually do after that procedure, you know how it feels like you’re more beat up in the back, doc has the gift.”

At this point she is looking at me with a type of concern on her face and gets another more senior nurse who I just love over to me. I will call her “Steph” because I talk to her a lot! Steph and “Julie” are my favorites I can’t help it!

“What do you think you had done?”

“You know the nerve burn thingy we can only do every 6 months. Why? Oh come on really guys is this a joke?”

They have been known to prank me because like I said I have gone there so long once one of the doctors came out when I was regaining consciousness and said, “Ready to go back and get started?” laughing at me so I thought I they were messing with me again.

Sadly they were not!

It seems even though we had talked about it, I made the appointment for it, my insurance approved it, and somehow they did the “maintenance” nerve blocks and epidural.

I was kind of pissed really.

I mean I have to take time off, make sure the boy is taken care of, get a ride to and from, because obviously I can’t drive myself for a procedure where yes, they knock me out with the Michael Jackson drug propofol, and I do Not want to be awake when they stick needles in my spine because I have done it and it is JUST PLAIN WRONG!

Which is why I have been with this group because they aren’t a pill mill, medieval or quack doctors by a long stretch.

When my dad was going through cancer treatment I talked to Dr. T for a long time about dads treatments, when I was supposed to be doing my customary office visit. We talked about my health issues and more. He is super compassionate and caring and just a good guy. We talk about our families and kids.

Just today we were talking about the boy and how he can’t believe he will be 5 soon as he remembers treating me before, during and after I had said child.

A few minutes after I came out and am eating my snack, Julie comes over and asks me how I feel.

I laughed and said, “Well I guess I will see you sooner than I thought since I get to come back and then he will make be better. By the way no pain or bruising with the IV because you and Steph rock!”

I am on heavy medication, please note this, because hopefully all of this is making sense!

She immediately walked over to Steph, who is stressed and on the phone.

I also want to say I had asked nurse #1 for pen and paper so I could write my web address down for them to visit my blog so if they are reading this MY Nurses ROCK!

Seriously I love this group!

Always will even in spite of this crazy day.

Maybe the meds are still working!

Steph comes back and tells me it was a mistake make in the office, yep knew that! And that I can come back and they will work me in and of course today is no charge.

This means so much to me as everyone knows insurance only pays so much and the facility can choose to make you pay if they wanted to. I am already on a payment plan with them because healthcare is expensive and it means a lot to me to have a medical facility work with you on payments. They know my life as I share with them if I can pay more or if I can’t. Newbies always get the director and I think he’s a great guy. Some people day he can seem like a jerk but he’s really cool and just doing his job. We end up talking about life and world events so it’s always enjoyable to chat with him!

So once again I will get to travel to my doctor as him and his colleagues are some of the best in the business and every doctor I go to (female, doc in box, general practice, ENT), I always tell them who I go to and what for, what I may be prescribed. I am always told, and they do research, this group is well respected in the medical community.

So while I get to come back in two weeks, it means I get to fight the irritating traffic but I get to see my friends again.

And I will Finally get the full relief I Need for my spine.

I guess I will file this under acceptance with a dash of happiness and sweep the irritation away as there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

Might as well keep hope alive and find he humor!

I am just looking forward to a weekend with friends laughing until I snort and cry most likely. Actually more because these folks make me laugh every time I am around them and I know I am lucky!

And that one friend who will most likely make me laugh so hard I wet myself!

All in all I’d say it’s been a good day!

Have a Fabulously Graceless Friday My Friends!

And a special shout out to ALL my girls, my nurses, friends and my doctors!

You all are Fabulous Human Beings!

Glad we are on this beautiful orb together!