Wednesday

Ramblings in the middle of the week

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

“You have to be honest with someone because if you’re not, you can’t feel their heart anymore.” The Boy, Wise beyond his 5 years.

 

I really have to thank my friend for challenging us to write for 30 days.

It’s been too long since I’ve blogged anything.

I felt like I couldn’t write on my own damn page.

I felt somewhat crippled by all that was going on in my life and putting anything out here would be misconstrued, used against me or poured over for some obscure meaning that has nothing to do with anything other demented delusions.

I felt overwhelmed with the prospect of writing and putting my thoughts and feelings “out there”.  

I never stopped writing of course. That isn’t an option for me! I have always written in journals and my hiatus from blogging was due to my hesitation to share any of my life publically. My journal is overflowing so of course I have topics… lots and lots of topics!

I often reflect, observe and replay my life over in my mind. I go through situations, conversations and emotions, both my own and others.

I often over analyze why I do certain things and react in certain ways.

In a nut shell, I may seem bat shit crazy, however, I try to be loyal, compassionate and honest with folks. More so with those I love and respect. I am just me.

I am happy to be back!

Keep hope alive for a fabulous Wednesday!

 

**Special shout out to my boy WD celebrating the big 21 today! So proud to be your crazy auntie!**

 

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It’s the middle of the week so I pretend I’m superwoman

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

It’s the middle of another fabulous week!

Depending on the time of day it’s either on the upward trek or the downward slope to the weekend.

I’m hoping for downward slope! Or maybe not it’s another work weekend for me. No rest for the wicked and all of that happiness.

u r u dr seuss

For me trying to juggle being mommy, relationships, work, writing, life – it can be a bit overwhelming. I don’t give up easily but I do make concessions I’ve come to realize.

I used to be so anal about making sure certain things were done. I was more organized and it sounds like a good thing but in reality I was stressing out if I didn’t follow through on the schedules and deadline I set for myself. After I became a parent it seemed to only get worse. Becoming a single parent really put the kibosh on having everything “just so”. I’m proud when I keep the boy alive, fed and happy and when I keep him and his friend alive, fed and happy I feel like I am freaking superwoman!

sometimes superhero

I know we can all be overwhelmed with the zingers life tosses us.

We just can’t give up, even when giving up seems to be the best option.

You may have more people depending on you than you realize. Just to see your face, hear your voice or know you’re still out there helps them.

So be you, have a fabulous day and keep hope alive!

 

 

Hump Day Hope

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Smack dab in the middle of the work week… it’s Wednesday!

If you are reading this then you made it! Keep Hope Alive!

So many folks have had a hard week, already and I hope it gets better. Some have had a fabulous week and I hope it stays that way.

Here in my world we are just trying to get through the week.

I hope you all can find a bit of happiness and hope to sustain you to the weekend.

For now, here is some hope for you. Never forget it is always there, even when you think it isn’t possible, hope always finds a way.

hope voice maybe when no

 

 

Finding my groove again

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

I have recently started a new job and I love it. However, after not working full time for about a year, I am struggling to get back into some sort of groove. I knew it would be challenging, but I didn’t know it would be quite this hard.

On the plus side, I truly love what I am doing. I have an awesome, understanding boss and it is very close to home. I do have to drive across town some, but it is totally worth it because I believe in our mission and I love helping people. I feel like I actually have a career again, something I did not have with my last full time job. I am making about half of what I made, but I have opportunity for advancement and know I can help grow the company. People need the services we provide, and having been on both sides of the field, I have a broader and understand the needs of both the clients and the caregivers. Yes, I need the money but I know that I don’t want to just work for more money and be completely miserable. It isn’t worth it and it isn’t fair to me or mine.

My biggest challenge has been managing my time so that I am still fully there for the boy and keeping up with my blog on a daily basis. The first is easy in some ways. I will always be there for him I just have to figure out how I can rearrange things so we can continue to do things together in shorter amounts of time.

I can’t stop writing; I think a part of me would be lost without my blog. It’s funny how something I started on the side has grown into something that fills me up.

I am already loosing time with friends and family because my free time is not as abundant as it once was. Even when I had more free time, I was cramming it so full of things that I was not getting things done. Then I get stressed and sick and then nothing gets done.

So in a way going back to full time work is forcing me to be better with my time management. I am nowhere close but I am getting there. Keep hope alive! It’s the best motto for me.

We often get so caught up in our own lives and our own needs, in what we think is important, that we forget those things that matter most. We forget to look at life from a different perspective. It isn’t always easy and it is easier to rationalize to ourselves that the way we are doing/seeing something is the best course. But if we look closely and examine it, we realize that we are doing what is best for us or easier for us or so we think. It is hard to think otherwise. It is easy to be selfish and blame life or circumstances for why we can’t follow through or be there for someone. Sometimes it is the truth. Other times it is an excuse because we don’t want to look too hard at the things that really matter. It can be depressing.

Life is so precious. We never know how much time we have. I know I don’t want to waste another second on regrets. I have too many as it is. I work to turn my regrets into life learning experiences. Not all of them are but I am learning that sometimes I can find a small morsel that I can learn from. I do my best to not repeat the things that cause the regret in the first place.

So today I am moving forward with hope and positive thoughts. I am going to banish the negativity and not be as hard on myself. I can be my own worst critic.

As one of my wonderfully, fabulously close friend says, “It’s a great day to be alive!” It is. No matter what crazy life thing happens, we woke up alive. We may have aches and pains, there may be fear or drama or things out of our control, but we can control how we react to people, places and situations.

Choose to be positive. Choose to keep hope alive. Choose life.

I hope you all have a fabulously wonderful Wednesday.

Much hope, happiness and positive thoughts,

Lady Maos

 

 

Wednesday Words

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Words have power.

Words can also be pointless. Like air blowing over the landscape.

Sometimes words can convey emotions and feelings.

Other times the words are just there for answers, like a computer spitting out the information you need for your school paper. Monotonous. Clinical.

Words can cut you to the emotional bone.

They can make you laugh, cry, weep with joy or sadness. They can make you angry. They can start a movement of change. Words are good and bad, though you can’t have one without the other.

The boy is learning sight words in Pre-K. Yes, they have homework in Pre-K and I hear Kindergarten is worse with homework. At this stage I am wondering if I should book a tutor now for math in elementary school and get an early bird special! He is pretty good and identifying words and learning to spell them. Lately, he has been asking how to spell words as well as understanding the meaning of the word, as well as how it is used in a sentence.

Recently we were running a bit late on the way to school. We were talking back and forth, it was a good day with neither of us whining about the morning, when he exclaimed, “Oh damnit!” Of course I gave him a sideways, crooked look and asked him what he said. He repeated it clearly. Even enunciating while looking at me. He knew he had said an adult word but wasn’t sure it was acceptable. I asked him where he heard it. He thought about it and smiled the I-can-answer-this look and said, “You?” Oh no, no sir, I don’t think so. While I have no problem admitting I can have a potty mouth pretty much 24/7 it’s like I get shocked in my mind if I say a curse word in front of any kid, much less mine! Have I dropped a few not so nice words before? Absolutely. Have I told him each and every time I did it NOT to use that word and it was an adult word? YES. So him saying he heard it from me as a question, let’s me know he doesn’t want to reveal his source. I told him he would hear a LOT of new words as life goes on. If they weren’t words he heard from the Teachers at school, he needed to ask me in private before he tries it out in public. Because some words can get you into a lot of trouble by using them. I use “dangit” in place of damnit around children and some adults. Yes, I’ve slipped up but not often. It’s like something catches in my throat and won’t let me say the words flying through my head. I will say his placement of the word was excellent. He was using the word in frustration over forgetting to take his medicine drops that morning. Something we can do later in the day but he prefers to take it in the morning. I watched him in the back seat say dangit and mouth damnit. He looked up to see if I was looking, I am way better at looking like I saw nothing, and then said, “Ok we say dangit not the other.” Very good grasshopper.

We don’t realize how our words affect others or often, that others are paying attention when we think they are not. It’s how the boy gets me. I tend to talk to myself when I am busy. I ramble about whatever I am doing or whatever it is I may be thinking about. He may wait a few minutes, an hour, days or weeks but he will bring back up something that I say to myself. He has a wicked smart memory for one so young.

As I watch him learn to use his words I am in awe. He is starting to understand how words can hurt people but also make them feel better. He asks for definitions and how to spell them. He loves being read to and is looking forward to reading his own books. He loves now recognizing the words he is learning in school when we are reading our books.

I pray he will learn how to use his words to make people feel better. To stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves and to fight for what is right.

I hope he will love words as much as I do.

I have so many hopes and dreams for him. I just want him healthy and happy.

Maybe one day he will read these words. The internet is forever as is my love for him.

I hope you all have a fabulously wonderful Wednesday!

Keep Hope Alive!

Keeping hope alive and struggling to get by on this Fabulous Wednesday

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

wish you a great wed

It seems like every day there is something new and challenging. Whether it’s the garage door breaking, a new client, another bill you had no idea it was going to happen or your favorite shoes breaking there is always a challenge.

Like everyone else I am just struggling to get by. However, my mantra of Keep Hope Alive really does help me get through even in the worst of moments. That and “this too shall pass”. I also think karma can be much too slow but I know better than to mettle in the fates of the universe! Can I get an amen?!

If you are reading this post, and I thank you if you are, then you are Alive and you made it to see another morning! WhoooWhoo!

You made it to Wednesday, the middle of the “work” week. Like the middle child, the middle of the work week sometimes gets lost in the shuffle. But like the middle child, Wednesday’s have a lot to offer. Hope that you are almost to the weekend. A night for special events, classes, sports or church. Sometimes you think that Wednesday will be predictable, for example, get up, take the child to school, go to work, run errands, get child, get dinner, go to karate, come home and do your nightly thing.

over the hump wed

Life is anything but predictable!

I am blessed to work with some amazing people. On Wednesday’s normally Miss Candy and I would run errands, but she has joined a pool and now we go swimming on Wednesday’s. She has Parkinson’s but it does not have her. She was thrilled I was willing to go with her as in the water, her disease does not show and she can move around like a “normal” person. Sometimes it is the little things in life that make a day, a week or a month all that much sweeter. We are still working on the logistics and how we feel after, but I love that it was tossed into my mix. Now I get to work and exercise, and I didn’t even cringe when I typed that word, all at the same time and I love it! It helps both of us. I do stretches while walking along side of her in the pool. I put her wheelchair to the side and for about 20 -30 minutes it is like she doesn’t have a disease that ties her to a chair like she does when she’s not in the pool.

Plus Wednesday’s are karate day for the boy and we love some karate. I was a bit hesitant at first as I wasn’t sure how it would work, his dad has him every other Wednesday, but it is fabulous! I go every week, with the exception being after 3 medical procedures, and am astounded in the changes in him. He is more focused and learning so well. Of course there are times when he stares at himself in the big mirror and forgets he is in class, but he is reminded and at once is back into the moment. Seriously there is a whole bunch of cuteness with a classroom full of 4-7 year olds doing karate, yelling “Yes Mam!”, “Yes Sir!” and “Ki-yah!” as loud as they can! Everyone is treated as equals and some are at different stages but they all work together. It is a beautiful thing to watch!

b karate

I hope that whatever you do, whatever happens that you get to enjoy something beautiful today. Whatever that may be for you.

moments smile wed

Always remember to Keep Hope Alive!

Stay Fabulous and Graceless My Friends!

Wednesday Rambling

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Whooowhoooo! It’s Hump Day! Wednesday, the middle of the week, half way to the weekend!

I am trying to keep the glass half full today but I admit sometimes it’s hard. Just when you think you have things going in the right direction and there it is… a speed bump along your ride of life. At least I hope it’s just a speed bump and not a brick wall.

This year has been anything but “normal”. OK, OK I admit I really don’t have any idea of what “normal” should be. I do best working with the situation and what life throws at me. I Keep Hope Alive and work to find the best resolution to the situation no matter what that may be.

Come to think of it, the last few years have been a pretty humbling and wild ride. Now that I really roll those thoughts around in my mind I realize that my entire adult life has been that way.

I’ve always been a gypsy, an “old soul”. I’ve always moved through this world knowing the lives I touch and have been touched by matter in some intricate way I may not be privy to understand at a certain point or maybe even not at all in this life.

I am the first to admit I have made mistakes, I am human. I try to do the right thing. I do my best to live by The Golden Rule “One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself (positive or directive form) & One should not treat others in ways that one would not like to be treated (negative or prohibitive form).”

I bond with folks in strange ways. Sometimes if or when it ends, it’s mutual and though painful, it’s the right thing and both of us know it. Other times when it ends, even if it is the right thing, it isn’t pretty.

I look at things in terms of how well I handled a situation. I will asks friends, doctors and even strangers about their opinion on things, good and bad, and ask for critique in how I handle situations from dealing with the stranger telling me their life story in Walmart to how I handled dealing with a sensitive situation.

And I write about my feelings. That can tend to land me in hot water if things are misunderstood. Often when I write on a topic I pull from my life as well as those of others I know and have known. So many times I can’t even keep track, I am merging the experiences and feelings of many into the tone of one.

My mind works even in mysterious ways to me. I surely don’t expect it to be easy for anyone, even those closest to me will sometimes ask what or who I am referring to. It’s hard to explain something I can’t articulate very well. Writing is, for me, a release. This blog has soothed my soul in ways I never imagined. Making myself accountable for writing daily has turned on lights in rooms that have been without power for too long. It is a blessing and a curse!

I am overwhelmed that people actually read, like and send me messages about my posts. Straight up I whooped out loud the other night when I saw I had someone from Iceland who “liked” my blog as well as a few folks in Canada! Who knows what kind of people they are but they liked something I wrote! Hello people I live in Alabama in the good old USA! I get excited with every like and haven been known to break out into dance or a song when I see I have a new follower!

I see myself in a different light, I can only wonder and imagine how others see me. Especially those who don’t know me. Things like “crazy lady on the internet, decent writer at times, pure crap on others, rambles a bit, sometimes says somethings that are real, maybe a bit of TMI, passionate about her kid, her family, friends and a couple of causes”. Of course “needs psychiatric help” may also be floating around on those opinions. For the record I’ve been deemed legally “mentally stable” which amuses the hell out of me!

But on a more “serious” note, I am thankful and grateful for finding this outlet. I am proud of myself for writing daily, no matter what.

I am thankful anyone reads my ramblings, much less follows what I have to say!

See, keeping hope alive does work!

So get through this fabulous hump day with a little bit of faith, hope and fairy dust!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

 

Happy Hump Day and stuff

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

minion humpday

We have arrived in the middle of the week, Wednesday which is often called hump day.

guess what day wed woot woot

Frankly I am just glad I made it this far this week. It’s been a bit challenging but I am strong and crazy and always keep hope alive!

I’ve had an abundance of work and this week with our lovely changing weather, migraines. Those evil beasts that you have no choice but to bend to their mercy to a point while valiantly trying to get your duties done.

not another migraine cat

So today I am keeping things short and sweet and adding a few memes for fun.

I hope you all have a fabulous hump day!

Keep hope alive!

 

The Mid-Week Hustle

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

Welcome to the midweek hustle!

If you’re reading this, you’re still breathing so be happy!

You may be going through a rough patch, hell, it may be a rough month/year but you are still on this planet breathing in and out, so be grateful.

So many have not made it this far.

I know personally it has been a challenging week for me.

I have been blessed to have wonderful humans in my life to help drag me from the brink and take care of me. Even when I think “I’m fine” and I am being stubborn they seem to keep sticking around.

I spent part of my weekend with my girls in Atlanta and oh how I needed it!

We didn’t “do” much, we did have a birthday party for a dear friend, but as far as getting out and doing things, no that didn’t happen other than dinner one night.

I didn’t go to sleep before 3:00 AM either night I was there!

I wish I could say I was up dancing and partying, however since I was up late 2 nights, anyone that knows me knows that isn’t possible!

I did, however, enjoy awesome, silly conversations with my friends, covering every topic we could think up! From our fashion faux pas, relationship, politics to what were are planning to eat, we discussed it all. We laughed until we cried and kept going. Let’s just say I was not an early riser those days!

I spent the rest of my child free time working, cleaning and with my someone special. We will see where it leads but I have a lot of hope this time around!

The best part of today is my boy comes home!

I have missed that little booger!

He’s went for his final week with his dad and grandparents and I know he had fun as I got updates, but golly gee do I miss him when he is gone.

Also today will be crazy hustle as early scheduling for work and then karate with my boy, then we again go to our happy place at the beach. Another fun family vacation! I wish I had my cousins and brother, sister-in-law and nephew going too as it is a lot of fun with so many helping hands, but we will have fun no matter what.

So I wish to end this on a happy, full of hope kind of note.

Always remember to Keep Hope Alive!

Stay fabulous my graceless friends!

Lady Maos

Commitments & Lady Maos

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

It seems lately I have been going along, trying to do the right things, keep up with responsibilities and always keep hope alive.

It isn’t always easy. It seems there are people who would rather cut you down and hurt you than just walk away.

Walking away isn’t easy nor is it for the faint of heart.

Oftentimes it is not easy to just walk away, especially if one has obligations they committed to in addition to doing what is best for all involved.

When I make a commitment I do my damnedest to stick to it.

I know I have let people down; I am so far from perfect I don’t even pretend to be in that category.

I have failed at relationships. I have also learned valuable lessons and been introduced to worlds and ideas I never knew existed.

I don’t nor could I discount something so easily when it was more than that.

I still work to be communicative and open even when things are ending because chances are good that we not only shared a relationship, but also other responsibilities together.

For anyone, whether it’s a child, home, furniture, CD/s, books, vehicles or any other random obligation, once you end a relationship with someone, you should finalize and complete your commitments.

I realize this can be hard.

It can be harder to do when feelings are hurt and one only wants to hurt another to make them feel the pain they are feeling.

Sadly, this is something I have witnessed and have had done to me.

Again, I never said I was perfect, but I do always work to honor those other factors that were put in place, in the “no matter what” category, to make sure no one else is responsible for something I said I would do. If I can’t make it happen, I am the one letting them know why and what I can do to try and make it better.

I have been told I am brutally and painfully honest at times.

I bite my tongue so often that the pain of it reminds me how much I can hurt others with not only my words but my actions or inactions.

Oftentimes my inactions are due to the very fact that if I did take action and spoke my mind I fear the repercussions would be far, far worse than not saying anything at all.

I have seen the dark side of humanity. I understand it and have a healthy fear of it.

Words and promises can be said a million times over but actions speak louder than words. “I’m sorry.” “I promise.” Words with power behind them to Mean something but overused and excused so often it becomes the patent response to shut one up.

When you’ve said or written something of importance and the response is “OK” sends me over the edge. Really? I tell you something important or how I feel and all you can muster up in that big brain of yours is “OK’?!

“OK” is fine for short texts when you’re planning dinner, meeting up, finalizing plans, etc. However, “Ok” when everyone knows more than one word is needed in the reply… even a “will talk more later” means worlds. “Ok” to me, means you don’t really care enough to respond. But you said you did.

I am so very fortunate and blessed to have so many amazing humans in my life that “get me”. That it seems no matter what happens they are there for me. Whether they be family, friends, past or new, I know that these people are There for me. In their own ways and as much as they can be.

I know that they accept me flaws and all.

Because they have proved to me time after time they are committed to our relationship.

They have flaws too. Every one of them. And will admit it, although not publically some of them and I don’t blame them.

After all, this is my blog. My thoughts. MY putting it out there into the world.

And I do it cautiously but also with a wild abandon glee that is like swinging high on the swings at the park when you’re a kid. That feeling of flying and not knowing what’s going to happen next but you pump your legs higher and you keep going because you know deep down this is what you love to do.

Writing is like that for me.

And those who know me, and the ones getting to know me seem to keep coming back and giving me constructive criticism and praise and I can’t tell you what it means to me.

Because it’s a commitment you see. A commitment to share my life, one day at a time my writing this “blog”. A commitment I made to myself and no one else.

I am growing more and more and hopefully becoming a better human being by doing this.

I don’t write the answers to the world’s problems, or even things that fit everyone. Each day is different. Each day is new. Each article is another part of me that I let out into the world.

Some days I have verbal diarrhea, haha like maybe today, and I write/vent/ramble more.

Other days I find humorous things, or interesting things or sometimes it is something I feel compelled to write. My writing may be lengthy with “not enough” videos, photos or whatever. It may be shorter articles with crazy photos and sayings I find on the internet, or better yet, real life photos from my world.

A very close friend, I will call them Captain Pogo, called me Lady Maos.

I laughed so hard I snorted! Since I love the word maos, chaos and mayhem, and use it as often as possible, being called Lady Maos made my day.

It also made me realize it’s so much a part of me just like being fabulously graceless is that I will be using it in my writings.

I know y’all are just thrilled!

So I will wrap up this long winded Wednesday thought provoking, insightful post by telling you all to Keep Hope Alive my Fabulously Graceless Friends!

I could not do this without the support of my loved ones and those of you who are seemly to become like family through the wonderful writings and musings of the world wide web!

Love and happiness to all!

Stay Fabulous!

Lady Maos aka Fabulous Gracelessness!

lady maoe