Today has been truly like a bizarre nightmare.
I woke up early to talk to my sister because we don’t get to talk often enough as she lives up in “Yankee” country and married a Yankee and has 2 half yankee, have southern kids…. well they’re not kids anymore at 25 & 26, if they’re older I don’t just no, they are still my babies too! So we chatted, partly while I was still hiding under the covers because I was going to sleep in just a little today but you never know when it could be the last time you talk to someone.
I had no idea what to do as a post. I had grabbed my List o Topics where I constantly write down ideas but I wasn’t sure as my emotions and ideas have been all over the place since earlier in the day.
My “to do” list, which I write nightly, yes with a pen and paper not keyboard to screen, had 5 things to do not at home and 4 or 5 for home including writing my blog and other articles.
So I got up, got my coffee, read a little, started doing home chores and getting ready to go out and run my errands on my to do list. “Normal” stuff. I made a few calls, did some research, pretty boring normal stuff.
Then shortly before I am out the door I receive a text from my girlfriend that one of the “kids” we raised with her and twin sister’s sons had died.
He was 17 and had just graduated barely a week ago. He was a triplet, had an older sister, parents, awesome grandparents and the world ready and waiting for him. He was genuinely a Good Kid.
But it seems that Life wasn’t meant to be.
Shock. I was definitely in shock.
There are 7 definitions for shock as a noun on dictionary.com but I’m only listing 4 as 5-7 are about regarding the pathology, electricity and the informal “shocks” as in suspension for automobiles.
- sudden or violent blow; collision
- sudden or violent disturbance or commotion – as in: “shock of battle” or in my case “shock of news”
- a sudden shock or violent disturbance of the mind, emotions, or sensibilities – as in “the burglary was a shock to her sense of security. The book provide shock. nothing else. In my case “the news of his death was a shock to her as she had helped nurture and care for him as a young boy.”
- the cause of such a disturbance – as in “the rebuke came as a shock”. For me – “News of his death came as a shock.”
I continued talking with my friend and left for my errands. I could handle this.
I passed one store on the way to the school (payments have to be made even if the boy’s on vacation) plus I could hit it on the way back. I had started crying and needed a few minutes to “collect myself”.
I made it to the school, sun glasses on and ran in and dropped off the tuition.
Back in the car, tears again. Crap. Breathe.
Made it to the health food store and chatting with the sweet girl working there, but the conversation turned weird as I blurted out “Sorry I am not quite right in my mind as one of the kids I helped raise died and I am obviously not handling this well.” Yeah awkward! I got my potassium and got out of there!
I could not go anywhere for at least 15 minutes and all I had left in that area was to drive through at the bank. No “public” oh joy! I got this one.
I still had the grocery store but I could make it, I knew I could.
Then I realized I left the list for the grocery at home so I called mom to ask her what I had said earlier, I knew I needed 4 items but was only coming up with 3. Go figure.
She was happy to help me remember for a change (haha you’re welcome mom!) but having that mother’s intuition, asked me something if I was ok and I told her about our suave little man Aaron.
Surprisingly I held it together as I told her and recounted the details I had seen in print.
That him and family and friends had gone to the beach on vacation.
How a bunch of them swam out but he got caught up in the rip tide.
How it took so many hours to find his body. His tough little body.
How I could not imagine if it were my son.
How I could even have such a selfish thought like that when I know his mommy is mourning for him as are his brothers, sister, father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and more friends than a lot of kids had – both young and old.
He was such a truly special little guy.
He is gone forever.
Death is always hard no matter what the circumstances whether you knew the person who died or not. It is also hard when you hear about it and you may not be close to the person, but a family member or close friends. Or sometimes it’s when it is a situation that hits close to home for you.
For me it was a triple whammy.
I knew Aaron.
I know his family and a lot of his friends.
I now have a child the same age he was when I met him and his brothers.
So my afternoon has been kind of “spotty” as to getting things done.
I let the waves of grief come as they will for I have learned some things you can’t hold back.
There are times when you really shouldn’t try to hold it in for it can become like a cancer inside you that you don’t notice if you have “compartmentalized” your feelings for too long. I have learned this too.
So today, tonight, as soon as you see or talk to someone you care about at all, just let them know it.
Friends, lovers, family – just tell that person they mean something to you even if it’s “glad you’re still sucking in oxygen” or “I love you”. Just tell them.
You never know if you will have that chance again so make sure they know.
So Thank You to Each and Every Human who reads this post.
You are Fabulous in your own way.
You made my day by reading this.
And I really truly needed to get this out there.
AARON MILLER may you Rest In Peace. Pain is temporary, Glory lasts forever and Chicks dig scars my Little Suave Friend. We will all miss you and your sweet, funny spirit so much!
Maybe now I can pull it together enough to get a few more things done.
Keeping Hope Alive through the laughter and the tears!
Stay Fabulously Graceless My Friends!