Month: June 2015

Just a “brief” interruption….

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 10 Comments

I just Love it when someone calls and says, “You got a minute I need to tell you something I won’t take long” so you say “yes” and 20 minutes later you’re still on the phone because said person is now telling you the other 5 things they “forgot” when they called you “for a minute.

Yeah sarcasm doesn’t always translate so well in print but I hope you could feel that one!

There are many people I know with this affliction!

I call them the “just a minute callers” because Every time they tell me “it will just take a minute” and Every time it’s at least 10 or more minutes.

How do you handle that?! I mean without being rude. Which I have been on occasion because I get tired of trying to be nice all the time!

Also those people who you talk to and when it comes time for the end of the conversation to happen, they decide to launch into any and everything they can to keep you on the phone, though saying “I know you have to go but there is just one more thing I will be quick.”

“Quick?” I want to scream at them! Really! I am already behind because your entire conversation was you drawing out your words and repeating yourself and over and over again. Please stop talking!

It really is rude to hang up on people but I seriously want to the majority of the time when I get stuck on the phone with someone like this.

Don’t get me wrong, I can do it too. Usually when I haven’t talked to someone in a while and we don’t get to talk much I try to cram everything in.

However when someone tells me they have to get off the phone, I do my best to cut it short and just tell what needs to be told not all the things I want to say.

When I talk to someone on a regular basis and they repeatedly do it to me it makes me not want to talk to them anymore!

Just because I work from home people “assume” that I have time to take their calls “anytime” and that I am free to do as I please.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Anyone who works from home can tell you that you have to be disciplined to make it work. And it is Work! I may be without makeup in my comfy clothes but I am working!

Although it is somewhat “easy” for me to come up with content for my articles and blogs, it takes concentration and work. Yes, real work!

So just remember the next time you call someone and say “I will be brief I just wanted to tell you a few things” do just That then get off the phone!
Or know that I put you in the “I will take that call later cause they Always take longer than promised” category!

Also, when someone says they are “busy”, whether they are or not, respect them please as it’s obvious that they don’t have all the time in the world to chat with you so don’t keep them on the phone. Otherwise you will be wondering why your calls go to voice mail so often! Or they may just hang up on you. It is effective!

Remember sometimes brief is better!

Stay fabulously graceless my friends!

Do what you say or tell me why you can’t

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 6 Comments

One of my all time pet peeves is people telling me they will do something and then not delivering.

It makes me crazy. Well crazier.

I know I am guilty at times of missing a deadline or forgetting to call someone back, however if I tell you, for example, I will come by at 10:00 AM you better believe I will be there and if I can’t I will let you know I can’t and why and reschedule.

I have been waiting over a week for this dude to come by the house and give me a quote to clean out the gutters.

He was referred by a friend who spoke so highly of him that the first time he “missed” our appointment I thought maybe he got tied up.

So I waited for a call back. Nothing.

Then I left him a message. Still nothing.

I called again and left another message. Nothing.

Yesterday I got him on the phone and he apologized and gave me a sob story and of course I felt bad for him and we rescheduled for 10:00 AM this morning.

Guess what? No show and no call.

This is where I say I am Done with this one!

I have another person I can call but always feel obligated to the person I originally talked to. That is over an hour later.

No I won’t call him and remind him, again, that he apologized and promised me he would be here. He didn’t call me to say, “Hey I can’t make it I am sorry when is a good time.”

I scheduled my day around him being here and have things to do myself.

Just this morning I was given the number of someone that needs some work done and I called them within 20 minutes of getting their information. They were in  bad cell area and asked me to call them back in an hour. I will definitely call back because I said that I would.

I have friends who say they are going to call and forget to call me back.

Heck I do it too.

But that is a friend and not a business.

And if we have plans and one of us forgets or gets busy it isn’t like we aren’t going to be friends anymore.

Unless it’s one of those people you’re just being nice to because another friend suggested you would get along and have “so much” in common. Then I become the “Excuse Queen” of why I can never seem to find time in my “busy” schedule! Hey, at least I am Honest!

Don’t tell me you will ‘handle it” and then I find out later you didn’t “handle it” and said situation is now much worse and I am having to handle it because you can’t seem to recall your promises!

What’s worse is if this person habitually lies to you and tells you they will do something, either for you or someone else, and never does it. When confronted they often keep lying and say “Oh I did it I don’t know why it was said it wasn’t done.” No. Just no.

You will be put on the “do not trust” list faster than my kid on a sugar high!

I understand that everyone tells “little white lies” or “fib bits” and certain circumstances do call for it.

I tell my boy “sorry they don’t make batteries for that toy anymore” on those irritating cheap toys you want to smash upon said child receiving it because it makes a sound you are sure wild animals will come out of hiding to make it stop!

Or that a store is already closed so I don’t have to have him ask me 10,000 times for that Power Ranger toy that I told him would have to be a birthday or Christmas gift because it costs $80 and I don’t drop that kind of money on my kid “just for fun” because I can’t and even if I could I wouldn’t as I don’t want him to think he can have anything he wants whenever he wants it! He gets to hold his yogurt, cheeses and other random food products at the grocery and considers that a treat!

I worked for years, and still do on occasion, with patients who have Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia. Telling them “oh that person will visit later” is much easier than reminding them said person passed away 10 years ago and watching them go through the grieving phase all over again. Because honestly, the chances are good they will not remember later, which is sad, but at the same time you are giving them hope and redirecting them to do something else other than focus on the something you can’t give them. No one can.

So please just either tell me you can’t do something, you forgot, but don’t lie to me because I can promise you I won’t forget it. I will lose my faith and trust in you and that is a hard thing to recover.

I’m a pretty laid back person and if you have a good reason, even if it’s kind of kooky, I will look the other way and give you another chance to prove yourself. But after so many times I am done. Really done.

Someone that runs a “business” in this manner is only making it worse because customers do talk, word of mouth is powerful and bad press is not “good” in this instance.

So be honest with folks.

Even if it is not what they want to hear.

I guarantee they would rather hear the truth that a boatload full of lies!

Stay fabulous my friends!

 

Just breathe

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

Sometimes you go and you go and you go and suddenly a brick wall appears out of no where and there you are.

Smack on your booty. Sprawled across the pavement, against the window or whatever.

This is all metaphorically speaking of course!

I feel like that a lot when parenting. Or in life. Or when I haven’t seen my boy in over a week and over did it playing and can barely move! Literally.

We run errands, take care of others (family, animals, friends), work, clean, socialize and seem to be on the run constantly.

We forget to stop and smell the roses.

We forget to just breathe.

It seems so many things get in the way of having “fun”.

We start “carving time out” for “free time” but fill it with “hobbies” that seem to stress us out even more.

What happened to playing and being silly, singing for no reason and dancing in the rain?

What happened to just enjoying being?

We hold our breath hoping to get that job, for that boy to ask us to the dance, for that girl to call and we hold our breath waiting to see what the next words out of someone’s mouth is because it means “something” to us.

BREATHE.

Just Breathe.

Long, slow, deep breaths.

Sometimes it’s all that you need.

 

 

 

The Piglet is Home & unplanned weekend fun chaos!

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

My apologies for the late post but my weekend got thrown a bit out of wack but in a very unexpected, very good way!

I had settled in to work and write yesterday when I received a text from a close friend. He was traveling with his older daughter and his younger daughter had been with his mom, then met up with her mom, step-dad and step-siblings.

Apparently mom had “gone off” on her younger daughter and she was extremely upset. Her Grammy was further out and I was asked if I could go get her. This is not a kid that gets “worked up” over nothing. She isn’t whinny, bratty or overly dramatic.

I termed it “operation kid rescue”!

Before anyone gets all up in arms, the father has full custody and the mother, though I know she loves her daughters, is somewhat in and out of their lives. I am merely an old family friend and love both girls like they’re my own.

So I drop what I am doing and go across town to get Miss A. She’s 12 and one of the coolest kids I know. So is her 17 year old sister. Their dad has done a fabulous jobs of raising them.

Let me just say, I don’t care what you situation is, you CHILD should be the Most important person to you and above all else, especially if you are a divorced parent, cherish any time you have with you kid. Do not try to put them against the other parent. It’s cruel, mean and just plain wrong! Once they get older they realize what you are doing and they have the option to leave. Especially if the other parent has done their job and they know they do not have to take the verbal abuse. This really gets my blood boiling because I can not IMAGINE ever doing this to my child! It does not even compute! I will get back to the topic sorry!

I get to her, and thankfully no drama as dad has called mom and Miss A meets me in the parking lot so I don’t have to deal with the mom.

Miss A is a bit down, of course, so we hit Starbucks for her favorite fru fru summery drink (cause I know she needs cheering up and she asked nicely as it isn’t in my “go to” places due to the cost), then ran to Target.

I was looking pretty rough with my comfy pants, t-shirt, no make-up and hair pulled up style but she said I looked beautiful. Anyone see why I love her?!

I gave her the option of going to Grammy’s or staying with me. She chose me because I’m that “cool auntie” and I was thrilled as I was really missing my boy and he wasn’t coming home until the following day, now today.

So we hung out, at pizza, she did crafts, while I wrote some, we watched movies, chatted and laughed like kids. Ok, well she is a kid and I thoroughly enjoyed being around her!

We crashed out and then got up this morning with one thing on our mind. The boy is coming home today!

Let me just say at 12, kids are pretty self sufficient, at least this one is! I didn’t have to do too much per se, just BE there for her to talk to about any and every thing. It isn’t hard. And I rather enjoyed being auntie to her and she is genuinely a fabulous kid.

We got cleaned up, dressed and ready and finally at least I heard the door chimes!

The Piglet is Home! My tater tot, my boy, my miracle is HOME!

He was on vacation with his dad, grandparents, aunt and friends at the beach and having a blast I know but it had been 9 days since I hugged and kissed on him.

But God did I Miss Him!

I think we hugged and kissed for at least 10 minutes when he got home.

Miss A was laughing and hugging us too.  We were so happy to have him home because he is just a joy and so much fun! Did I mention I missed him?

So we ate lunch, packed up and went out to a festival for some much needed fun!

We stayed several hours, playing, people watching and visiting with friends when we finally decided it was time to go.

We got Miss A home just after her dad and sister got home so we all decided to get some grub as it was dinner time.

By the time the boy and I hit the road for home, he was snoozing in the backseat!

Of course he woke up when we got home, didn’t want to take a bath and I convinced him by saying he really didn’t want all that dirt on his clean sheets, there could be bugs in the dirt – kind of probably not true but hey it worked!

He is now sleeping away after watching a movie… and of course it took a bit because he was happy to be home, loving on me, needed more milk, was somehow so awake after being soooo sleepy!

But I couldn’t be happier because the Piglet is home and all is right in my world again!

I will post more “interesting” posts at times and them other times, like today, I have mommy brain but I am so squishy, gooey happy that my boy is home.

I’m going to go, again, and kiss him on the head just because I can!

Have a fabulous Sunday my friends!

Just get through it, then you can you move past it

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 10 Comments

Sometimes you see the train coming round the bend and you absolutely Know you have to jump on but you just don’t want to.

You know that once you’ve jumped you can’t stop because really, you have no other choice.

My life is like that train sometimes, only it seems the driver is on drugs and my skills in jumping may be lagging a bit.

You know that there are things you have to face no matter what it may be.

You have no choice but to move on through it and face it.

If you don’t move through it you can never get past it.

Something that I am re-learning is much easier said than done.

However, it is something for me that I have to do because I am one of those people who has to go through it before I am past it to be able to move on with my life without the feeling of knowing I didn’t end the chapter, but instead just laid down the book never to finish it.

Too many times in my life have I left things in the “past” that later caught up to me because I didn’t move “through” it, but just breezed right past something but I did it because I didn’t have the knowledge, grace or guts to do at the time.

It’s easy to place blame on your situations, your work, you family, your life, and your state of mind.

Blaming others or an outside force is a much easier path to choose than one where you have to take accountability and lay the blame at your own feet.

Even if something isn’t all your fault in a relationship or situation, chances are good that the ending isn’t solely the other party’s fault no matter how you slice it.

Yes they may have done worse.

They may have ruined your favorite book, item of clothing or something other near and dear to you.

They may have spoken badly of you and spread lies and rumors.

They may have repeatedly lied to you thinking you would forgive again and again when you had done so before.

They may have been jealous of your abilities and felt threatened so they cut you from their lives to make themselves feel better telling you, “So sorry it was just time” or some other such non-sense.

In some cases yes, you can be completely blameless.

However I have learned that in most cases you aren’t.

This is when you have to do the ooey gooey yucky moving through it part to move past it.

A while back I was laid off from my job.

Though I knew that industry wide layoffs were happening, I had deluded myself into thinking I may be demoted and I could look for a job when/if this happened. Within two months of my old co-workers, who had worked for my company’s parent company, being laid off, I too got my “pink slip”.

I was somewhat devastated. I was also a bit relieved.

And if I was honest, I did know that chances were good I would be one of the ones to go first and get laid off.

This was not my “dream” job but I always put at least 100% into every job I have. Frankly I had been in the industry for the last 3 ½ years and I still didn’t understand a lot. That was in a large part due to the nature of the industry and people not sharing information for fear you would take their job, and for the fact I was female in an industry that is roughly 80% males in the upper management roles. There were women in management roles but I do know they made less than their male counter-parts. And it was pretty cut-throat at times.

I am still moving through it.

I am past it in the sense I made peace with the situation and started looking for employment. I have done beauty sales, adult sitter work and writing, but 6 ½ months later I do not have a “real full time full paying” job.

I am good with this because I am working to achieve my dreams. I am lucky that I am blessed with family to help, savings and some financial dribbling’s monthly to make ends meet. I do not live lavishly, I coupon and save when and where I can.

Do I want to live this way forever? Hell no.

I want to be able to comfortably support myself and my boy and not worry about paying my bills each month and having enough left over to do fun things with the boy as well as put some away for our future.

I Will get there because for me there is no other option.

See, working Through it even though I moved Past the incident.

I have also been re-connecting with old friends. And believe me I am selective on that because let’s face it, we are all crazy and honestly, some crazies just don’t mix!

People can put on an “act” for who they are or aren’t only for so long.

At this stage of a relationship, you are probably back in the ooey gooey moving through it.

Whether moving “past” it means being around that person, with some type of “conditions”, or completely moving on, you will still move “past” whatever it is in your relationship with this person.

I have a close friend who is one of the most compassionate, intelligent and awesome humans on the planet. She is also slightly nuts in a take a step back and possibly adjust meds kind of way.

There have been times during the course of our decade’s long friendship when we have both had issues we had to work through in order to get past.

It wasn’t always pretty, nice or easy but because we believed in our friendship we worked through it. We remain close to this day.

I have had other relationships where it was best all-around to end it completely.

The hardest part about ending a relationship is not only moving through it, but the getting past is harder. Those kind of relationships, no matter how close or distant, are similar to when someone dies.

If someone dies, you have to move through your grief and there is no time limit on that.

To me, moving “past” a death is accepting it, no matter what the cause. You may still be moving through it even those you have moved past what caused it and have accepted you will no longer see that person ever again in this life.

But a relationship you end, depending on how it ends and the circumstances surrounding it, can be like a death but the person is still on the planet and you may actually see them again.

Instead of discomfort and hateful words you have to move through your emotions, or at least how you display yourself in public and around others, so that you do not completely go off the deep end or embarrass yourself. Or worse say something you will regret later.

If you are changing the dynamics of your relationship you have to move through how that will play out while moving past the way it was.

Maybe you were sort of friends and now you’re close. Maybe you’ve gone from friends to dating. Or from dating to friends.

All of those change the dynamics of how your relationship with that person is.

If you don’t define how you feel, people don’t always have that “daily dose of gypsy shit so now I can read your mind” mentality. They need to Know.

Even if it’s unpleasant and not what you want to do, in order to move on and past you have no choice but to know how you feel.

Sparing someone’s feelings now could cost you more than you bargain for later.

Whatever the situation or circumstance sometimes you just have to JUMP!

I am still moving though and past so many things in my life. I am sure I will continue to do so until the day that I die. I least I hope so.

I wish you all the luck in the world!

Have a fabulously graceless night my friends!

Quiet time, me time and missing the noise

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

I remember growing up we did not have all of the technology and all of the options we do today.

Yes my mom talked on the phone, but it was attached to a cord and plugged into the wall. If you wanted privacy, you went to another room or she told us kids to go outside or in our rooms.

Our rooms held our dearest treasures and outside held fun and adventures.

We lived on a cul-de-sac when I from the time I was 18 months old until I was 8. That would be the time when we acquired my younger brother!

We then moved to a newer subdivision from the time I was 8 until around 18 in which I met my best friend/sister and where the majority of my teenage years played out.

When my parents moved again, it was so my brother could go to a different school since I was graduating and he was about to go to high school.

No matter where we lived, we were required to “be creative” and let my parents have peace during the days of summer and school breaks.

We always did many things together as a family such as dinner each night, church on Sundays, vacations, family gatherings, parties – you get the idea.

But we also had “quiet times” and somehow I always treasured those times.

I don’t require “background” noise like a lot of people do.

And let me be clear, I do like to put on the radio or TV on occasion and have noise happening when I am alone, but I really do cherish quiet time. Nor am I a huge fan of TV every night.

I remember one of the first times when I was a teenager and my parents went away overnight and my younger brother went to my grandparents house.

My parents were trusting me to be an adult and not have a party or anyone over, plus there were plenty of people in the neighborhood that could “watch” our house and back then, there wasn’t all of the dangers we have today. No Facebook and smart phones to instantly update the world on your location and what you are doing. Not a lot of traffic in our area and less crime than there is now.

I did, of course, invite my best friend/sister across the street over for a little while but all we did was make a few calls to boys and watch the cable channels we normally were “limited” to watch.

Cable was the “new” thing as were microwaves! Yep, I am that old!

After she left I remember thinking “It is so Quiet.”

I could hear the house creaking and making noise, I could hear the dog outside but that was it. No TV, no one talking, walking around or making any noise.

It was Bliss!

I went up to my room and read and wrote in my journal.

I slept late because my parents weren’t coming home until later that day.

I enjoyed the peace and quite of a house alone for the first time in my life.

As the years moved forward and I grew up and moved out of my parents home, for the first time haha, I enjoyed having roommates but enjoyed the times when I was alone at home.

The quiet can be so peaceful!

I later married we and moved around a lot. Florida, Georgia, California and back to Georgia.

Many years later we divorced and at first I was living with friends, but I realized I wanted to get my “own” place.

I wanted the option of “quiet time” all the time because I had never had that.

So I got my own apartment and I reveled in being the only one who made noise, other than neighbors, which I had experienced before being an apartment dweller.

However, after a year-ish I realized I am a very social creature. I had already adopted two cats but I missed living with someone.

I set out to find a roommate. And I was “picky”! I wish I had the original ad I posted on “need a roommate” sites due to it’s “what I don’t want” content!

I finally found one person I felt “good” about meeting and happily she was the only person that came to “check out the place” and also became a friend for life!

She, like me, loved her quiet time but wanted someone semi-normal to live with. She had been in a bad relationship, moved in with family and now wanted to be free of the familial judgment and irritation that can come with it!

We both dated, but often joked we would probably end up being old lady roommates with cats and dogs when we moved into our 3rd residence together.

We had a house with a yard, cats, dogs and she was as OCD about cleaning as I was.

We both respected each other about our “quiet time” but would call each other out if we stayed on the couch for too long (like over a week and you aren’t dying from flu, allergies, stomach bug, surgery or anything else of the like) to touch base and generally keep each other sane.

After a few years  my gypsy spirit kicked in and I decided to move yet again.

This time my adventures led me to the state of Tennessee.

I had some wonderful roommates that I love dearly and are still wonderful friends with to this day.

I married again and had my miracle boy.

It was all so crazy and seem to happen so fast!

I had made peace, to a degree, that I wasn’t able to have children.

My friend, then later husband, and I talked about fertility treatments but honestly I wasn’t sure if I could afford the emotional blow it would cause if we paid out all that money and it didn’t work.

Then a miracle happened. I was pregnant.

We got married and I left my wonderful friends and moved in with him. It may not have been the smartest thing to do since we were such good friends but we thought we could pull it off.

I also knew my enjoyment of “quiet time” was about to be interrupted for a while!

I am not dumb but to my credit I was happy about the arrival of the human I was blessed to help create and carry. I was terrified and happier than I had ever been.

Anyone who has children know from the moment they are born your life of peace and quiet is shattered!

It is not all bad, but that is the truth!

If you’re lucky in the first year, you get “quiet time” when the kid is sleeping and the whole “you nap when they nap” actually happens sometimes because you’re dead on your feet from doing your “normal” chores and work, even if you aren’t caught up on everything you take a nap even if you aren’t a “nap person”! At least I did on occasion!

So “quiet time” shifted but I could still find it.

Life moved on and the boy grew and his dad and I realized that we didn’t need to be married. We had issues with living together and clashed on too many things. We tried counseling and we truly worked on trying to stay together but finally realized we couldn’t stay together “for the sake of the child” because we were both miserable.

So I moved again into my own place right down the road.

My father was going through cancer treatments again and I was a wreck from the emotional strains of worrying about my son, my father and the impending divorce.

I found more “quiet time” than I wanted as my son shares time with his father, which I am grateful for as often times kids get the raw end of the deal when parents are divorcing, but that first few months was Hard.

My “quiet time” was torture to think of all the things going on I had no control over and I miss my son like crazy when he’s gone.

I finally learned to accept his nights and weekends away and to enjoy the precious alone time I had.

During our divorce negotiations and mediation, we ending up deciding to move back to our home state of Alabama as both sets of parents lived here as well as extended family and friends.

It’s funny how you think you won’t move somewhere then you have a child and your whole perspective changes!

I didn’t have a lot of “quiet time” per se due to life and the happenings going on.

My friend whom I had lived with in Georgia, moved in with me to my townhouse after a failed relationship. We were happy to be together again but a bit sad of the circumstances that brought us together. She was great with my son and I once again had my friend with me.

Sadly, she passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack in her sleep.

I was heartbroken and so was Blake.

My aunt had also passed away a few months before and now my son was again losing someone he loved.

I feared there would be more to come but I had no idea how much more.

As I was packing up to move at the beginning of last year I got the call I had been dreading.

Although I had been going back and forth from TN to AL pretty much every weekend, my father had taken a turn for the worse. I threw my bags together and the boy and I set out for the motherland.

We arrived on Friday and my father passed away with our family by his side on Sunday.

I stayed on another week with my mom, family and friends. Funeral arrangements, plans and grief were the world I was in.

I have no idea how my mom made it through with the grace she did, but she is one of the strongest women I know and I have so much love, respect and admiration for her.

Her partner of 45 years had passed and she was hurting like never before, but also shared her journey with my brother and I and our family. It’s never easy when one of the rocks of a family dies, however having the love and support of your family and friends makes it bearable.

I am so blessed to have wonderful friends who while I was gone took care of my animals and also helped pack up my home.

I moved back “home” and in with my mom 2 days shy of one month after my father passed.

5 days after moving back, my beloved fur bebe golden retriever, Jethro a.k.a. Big Love, passed away. See, it did get a bit worse.

We were already grieving and now we grieved another.

Neither mom nor I were sure how things would work out.

I was over 40 with a 3 year old and living with my mom!

Fortunately I was able to transfer with my job and mom and I found out that we not only could live together but enjoyed it in a way we never had before.

We help each other out and one of the things we share is enjoying our “quiet time” or “me time” and help each other find it.

The boy loves living at GiGi’s house with mommy and we talk about Pops, my dad, too. It’s still “their” home but now it’s ours too.

We talk about heaven a lot with the boy because how else are you going to explain so many losses to a 3, now 4 year old? He has Great Wink, Aunt Bicky, Pops and Jethro having parties in heaven and I tend to enjoy his view on it as it eases my sadness to see the world through his eyes.

I know I am fortunate, blessed and pretty darn lucky.

It isn’t always easy but mom and I know we have each other.

Recently she went on a little vacation and the boy went on vacation at the same time.

I forgot about how much I Need and Cherish “quiet time” and me time.

It’s nice to wake up on your schedule, eat cereal for dinner if you want and not have to worry about anyone else.

But you know what? I miss them both! I can’t wait until everyone’s “Home” and the chaos and noise is again filling the house up.

Because as much as I love the quiet time, I miss my family! Noise and all!

Have a fabulously graceless Friday my friends!

 

 

The Nothingness

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

It’s in everyone of us.

The nothingness.

That “I have so much to do but yet I do nothing” gene.

The feeling of depression or despair that creeps out into the “happy” side of who we are.

Sometimes we are taken hostage for moments, other times it can be days, months or years.

Getting away from The Nothingness can be harder than one can imagine.

It makes us feel worthless. Useless. Like it doesn’t matter.

For some, getting out of the nothingness never happens.

Like a CD on loop it comes back around again and again.

Letting you think you might be free but you aren’t.

You cry, scream and yell but to no avail.

Then the Hopelessness crawls in.

From the shadows it slithers towards you, hiding when you try to banish it.

Now hopelessness has joined the nothingness to make you even worse.

You head, your heart, your entire soul is now hostage.

Round and round. Over and over. The death loop.

It can be slow, more often than not, so that it doesn’t seem so intense at first.

Then you realize you have allowed it to take over your being.

The endless loops of hopelessness and nothingness are your family.

They don’t allow for hope, joy and healing to come and visit.

They push them out and black out the shades so that all you are left with is them.

Your “companions” that you feel you created, let in and have lost control of are at the helm of your mind.

Your zest for life has been so squashed you don’t remember what it’s like to really Live any longer.

You lie to those who care about you that you’re “fine and doing great” when the reality is you can’t even find it in yourself to be around others, much less handle your day to day life.

You stop eating. Your sleep is off. Your dreams are nightmares.

Will you ever win the battle of your soul that you seem to be losing to The Nothingness and Hopelessness?

You feel like there is a sign on you that says “All hope abandoned.”

People are starting to notice you aren’t around.

They notice you no longer look happy.

You no longer care how you look even in the basics of grooming and hygiene.

You don’t care.

You amble along at this pace for what seems to be forever.

“Get help.” “Talk to someone, anyone.” They tell you.

But you go on alone.

Nothingness and hopelessness accompanying you on your journey.

You are withering away.

Is there a special hell for someone like you? Someone who dropped out of life? Someone who no longer cares about themselves or others?

You wonder.

One day you realize it’s very bright outside.

You haven’t been out in ages.

The sun. It is shining down on your pale, withered skin.

A breeze blows cool across your face.

And then you feel it.

The tendrils of Hope.

You are confused.

You thought hope had left you. Why now? Why you?

The truth is Hope never leaves.

Love never dies.

The Nothingness and the Hopelessness CAN be defeated.

You have to want it.

You have to work at it.

They are so firmly ensconced in your being you feel they were there since birth and are a part of who you are.

It’s true that they have always been there.

So have hope, love and joy.

Somehow you allowed them to play on the front stage when you felt the doubt of your own mind.

You have the power to put them back where they belong.

You know they will always be there and that’s ok.

As long as you don’t give in.

As long as you don’t allow them to take you hostage and lead you along that dark, damp road alone.

You have the Choice!

It will take time, tears and much work but you can take yourself back.

You can bring back your hope, your love, your joy and your life.

You may not can do it alone but you know there are people out there to help you get through this long journey.

You just have to make the choice and do it.

It won’t be easy, but then anything truly worth it never is.

Always Keep Hope Alive!

Be fabulously graceless!

Embrace the Hope, Love and Joy in yourself!

*Dedicated to anyone suffering and feeling alone. Life isn’t easy. You never know who is hurting and why. You can’t fix everyone but you can fix you.

Those darn squirrels

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 6 Comments

Some days I wake thinking “I will get so much done today!”. And for a few hours I actually do.

Then it seems I veer off course.

“Squirrels” to me means some sort of distraction usually hits me.

I’m not sure if you are familiar with the move “Up” but when Doug the dog is talking to the man and boy and suddenly he gets distracted and says “squirrel” it cracked me up because that is so how life is.

People are more like animals than they chose to admit!

I have my lists, my chores, my “things to do” but like a lot of people that work from home or have a bit of time on their hands, managing that time is harder than it seems!

It is easy to get lost in the “randomness” of things we would rather do than what needs to be done!

I am so guilty of this!

I find myself checking things off of my list and thinking I have a little bit of extra time, so I decide to change course “for a few minutes” and minutes/hours later I am now behind on what I really Need to do!

Instead of doing all of my chores/work and then letting the randomness happen I have let the randomness slide in-between and get in front of my productivity.

I really am working on this with some actual success.

I want more than anything to write and also get paid to write. I do this blog so I can just write! I want to spend more time with friends and family. I want to keep volunteering. I want to be able to travel whenever I feel like it.

In order to make these things possible I realize I have to focus and be accountable for my time.

Jeez accountability.

That’s such an “adult” word in my mind. Ironically I am an adult and sometimes I have to remind myself of that. Not that my boy doesn’t jog my memory daily that I have to be not only accountable but responsible. But the times when he isn’t with me are when I am supposed to be working  towards my dreams and our future. I do get breaks and have to make the most of my time.

So I made a vow to myself that I am keeping.

It doesn’t matter how anyone else but myself feels about it. Well it does but I am lucky in that those the people who matter support me and believe in me.

I don’t like to let people down. It’s a lot of weight to carry but you know what? It is totally worth it!

So don’t let the “hard stuff” and fear stand in your way of your dreams.

Don’t let the “squirrels” get you distracted. Go For It!

Always Keep Hope Alive!

I know I am and I know I Can Do It.

I Believe in Me!

Have a fabulously graceless day friends!

Just going to plant some flowers….

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 17 Comments

Recently a friend posted on her Face Book page she had some daylilies and if anyone wanted them to come on by and get some.

I talked to my mom and asked because I though the front yard could use a little color in the garden and she whole heartedly agreed.

Of course I would go get them, dig them up and replant them.

That sounds So SIMPLE!

The reality is I went and dug up the plants 2 days ago.

I didn’t think I dug too many up and had put them in 2 bags, one for mom and I and another from another set of friends.

I was sore in places I forgot I had muscles! I was feeling all “nature girl” or something.

I gave my friends theirs on Sunday afternoon on the way to family dinner and had put ours in the yard. I knew they’d be fine for a day or two.

Monday was not a good day. No flower planting.

Tuesday, today, I woke up thinking “I got this.”

I tend to be delusional at times and this is so one of those times!

I go out into the yard where I originally thought I would plant them. Realizing they may not get enough sunlight at all, I changed locations to the front flower bed where there was a gap and a fabulous spot for my flowers!

So I start digging. And digging. And cutting away the cloth laid down years ago to control the weed population. I got 4 good holes dug. Then I went around and got the flowers.

After looking at the plants I realized there were way more than I thought and were clustered together. I needed more holes!

So I cut the fabric and started to get my shovel for more holes when I feel a piercing pain in my foot. I won’t lie. I hollered out a word not fit for small children to hear!

I thought I had been stung or somehow had gotten a sharp rock in my shoe. Nope, the “tacks” they use for the “weed cloth” was in my foot and a lovely shade of crimson was now showing on my foot!

Mentally I did the math and I am good on the tetanus shot (less than 5 years), however it Hurts!

So now I am hobbling in the house to “treat my wound” and feel sorry for myself! Only 5 minute pity party allotted today though!

But this is Life so I have to Suck It Up!

I am taking a small break and thought I would check emails, my posts, etc and see what’s happening in general in the virtual world and realized I could do a post about this.

In life, you plan to just “plant some flowers”, use that for whatever you need to do (organize, clean, plan a party, whatever), but somehow the time constraints and plans you put into place don’t always work out the way you want them to.

Heck Life sometimes just won’t Allow it to happen no matter what you do!

But remember you have a choice in Many things.

You have a choice in how you handle your situations.

For me, I am going to hobble back out there, get my holes dug and plant those flowers!

Hoping of course they live, this is my life after all, I am looking forward to seeing those beauties for years to come.

Because no matter how hard it turned out or how long it takes me, those flowers are worth it!

As are a lot of things in life we don’t want to take the time to do because it becomes more difficult than we expected. Those things are most likely worth it. We don’t need anymore regrets so don’t give up easily!

Always remember to keep hope alive!

Have a fabulously graceless Tuesday my friends!

My gracelessness is already shining bright today!

For Aaron

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 11 Comments

Today has been truly like a bizarre nightmare.

I woke up early to talk to my sister because we don’t get to talk often enough as she lives up in “Yankee” country and married a Yankee and has 2 half yankee, have southern kids…. well they’re not kids anymore at 25 & 26, if they’re older I don’t just no, they are still my babies too! So we chatted, partly while I was still hiding under the covers because I was going to sleep in just a little today but you never know when it could be the last time you talk to someone.

I had no idea what to do as a post. I had grabbed my List o Topics where I constantly write down ideas but I wasn’t sure as my emotions and ideas have been all over the place since earlier in the day.

My “to do” list, which I write nightly, yes with a pen and paper not keyboard to screen, had 5 things to do not at home and 4 or 5 for home including writing my blog and other articles.

So I got up, got my coffee, read a little, started doing home chores and getting ready to go out and run my errands on my to do list. “Normal” stuff. I made a few calls, did some research, pretty boring normal stuff.

Then shortly before I am out the door I receive a text from my girlfriend that one of the “kids” we raised with her and twin sister’s sons had died.

He was 17 and had just graduated barely a week ago. He was a triplet, had an older sister, parents, awesome grandparents and the world ready and waiting for him. He was genuinely a Good Kid.

But it seems that Life wasn’t meant to be.

Shock. I was definitely in shock.

There are 7 definitions for shock as a noun on dictionary.com but I’m only listing 4 as 5-7 are about regarding the pathology, electricity and the informal “shocks” as in suspension for automobiles.

  1. sudden or violent blow; collision
  2. sudden or violent disturbance or commotion – as in: “shock of battle” or in my case “shock of news”
  3. a sudden shock or violent disturbance of the mind, emotions, or sensibilities – as in “the burglary was a shock to her sense of security. The book provide shock. nothing else. In my case “the news of his death was a shock to her as she had helped nurture and care for him as a young boy.”
  4. the cause of such a disturbance – as in “the rebuke came as a shock”. For me – “News of his death came as a shock.”

I continued talking with my friend and left for my errands. I could handle this.

I passed one store on the way to the school (payments have to be made even if the boy’s on vacation) plus I could hit it on the way back. I had started crying and needed a few minutes to “collect myself”.

I made it to the school, sun glasses on and ran in and dropped off the tuition.

Back in the car, tears again. Crap. Breathe.

Made it to the health food store and chatting with the sweet girl working there, but the conversation turned weird as I blurted out “Sorry I am not quite right in my mind as one of the kids I helped raise died and I am obviously not handling this well.” Yeah awkward! I got my potassium and got out of there!

I could not go anywhere for at least 15 minutes and all I had left in that area was to drive through at the bank. No “public” oh joy! I got this one.

I still had the grocery store but I could make it, I knew I could.

Then I realized I left the list for the grocery at home so I called mom to ask her what I had said earlier, I knew I needed 4 items but was only coming up with 3. Go figure.

She was happy to help me remember for a change (haha you’re welcome mom!) but having that mother’s intuition, asked me something if I was ok and I told her about our suave little man Aaron.

Surprisingly I held it together as I told her and recounted the details I had seen in print.

That him and family and friends had gone to the beach on vacation.

How a bunch of them swam out but he got caught up in the rip tide.

How it took so many hours to find his body. His tough little body.

How I could not imagine if it were my son.

How I could even have such a selfish thought like that when I know his mommy is mourning for him as are his brothers, sister, father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and more friends than a lot of kids had – both young and old.

He was such a truly special little guy.

He is gone forever.

Death is always hard no matter what the circumstances whether you knew the person who died or not. It is also hard when you hear about it and you may not be close to the person, but a family member or close friends. Or sometimes it’s when it is a situation that hits close to home for you.

For me it was a triple whammy.

I knew Aaron.

I know his family and a lot of his friends.

I now have a child the same age he was when I met him and his brothers.

So my afternoon has been kind of “spotty” as to getting things done.

I let the waves of grief come as they will for I have learned some things you can’t hold back.

There are times when you really shouldn’t try to hold it in for it can become like a cancer inside you that you don’t notice if you have “compartmentalized” your feelings for too long. I have learned this too.

So today, tonight, as soon as you see or talk to someone you care about at all, just let them know it.

Friends, lovers, family – just tell that person they mean something to you even if it’s “glad you’re still sucking in oxygen” or “I love you”. Just tell them.

You never know if you will have that chance again so make sure they know.

So Thank You to Each and Every Human who reads this post.

You are Fabulous in your own way.

You made my day by reading this.

And I really truly needed to get this out there.

AARON MILLER may you Rest In Peace. Pain is temporary, Glory lasts forever and Chicks dig scars my Little Suave Friend. We will all miss you and your sweet, funny spirit so much!

Maybe now I can pull it together enough to get a few more things done.

Keeping Hope Alive through the laughter and the tears!

Stay Fabulously Graceless My Friends!