Sunday Peace to You All


wake up and live

Sunday’s child is full of grace.

I often think of this as I was born at 3:42 AM on a cold Sunday morning in December. I am sure my mother was not thinking about being full of grace when I entered this world at that time of the morning!

I try to go about being graceful, but there is a reason I chose the name fabulousgracelessness, it describes me so well.

grace n truth

I hope that today we all find a bit of grace.

I hope today we all find a bit of peace.

peace in heart

I hope today we all find a bit of happiness.

I hope everyone remembers to keep hope alive!

 

 

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Sometimes I just don’t want to be an adult


i miss being a kid hair

I don’t feel like being an adult today. I wish someone could take over all of the responsibilities I have for just one day. Think about it. How it would feel to have no worries, be carefree, have everything taken care of and you don’t have to worry about a thing. I have no idea because I don’t think I could stop my mind or life from happening.

We go about our lives and sometimes we let our hair down and get crazy but we have to jump back on the adult train eventually. Sometimes it seems to take longer than others to get on board. Some people think they can “play adult” in certain areas and let others handle their responsibilities in others. Personally I can’t do that. My brain and soul won’t let me do it. I acknowledge each and every time someone else takes care of my business – be it with my finances, my child, my life – it does not matter I can’t “forget” someone else did something for me and when I can give back in whatever way is possible I will. I also thank them because I learned before I was an adult that when someone helps you that you should be grateful. Life isn’t yours to demand and take from others. Karma will slap you upside the head for that. Trust me!

Ahhh but to be carefree and child-like in life for a whole day and not worry… I think, I hope, I believe that that is possible.

carfree girl

The irony is it has to be planned, not spontaneous. I mean who else is going to make sure bills are paid, there is money in the bank for random “I want ice cream!” moments surely to come with being care free. A driver will be needed as will making sure the vehicle is working and ready for adventures if needed. I will need someone to cook, clean up (because honestly I can’t stand to see it out with all of my other fun stuff knowing it’s there waiting for me later). If I am really lucky there will be someone to make all those decisions for me and get me ready to go! Being a kid can be hard at time but you don’t realize how awesome it is until you’re an adult. You want to grow up. Once you grow up sometimes you want it back!

adult show your math

Can’t I be a kid for a day please? Just a 24 hour period where I can enjoy with no repercussions would be amazing!

But I can certainly dream.

And I always keep hope alive!

Have a fabulous day!

Fabulous Friday readying for weekend fun


b chaos

Its Friday my fabulously graceless friends!

No matter what happens I am keeping hope alive today, because for me and mine it’s the day the boys “aunties” come from TN & GA, the birthday party weekend where we get to see friends and family, make new friends and have fun.

We have been celebrating all week more or less.

It has not been a constant barrage of gifts because this crazy mama isn’t made of money, and even if I was I wouldn’t give the boy gifts all the time as he gets plenty of “surprises” in the off season when it isn’t a birthday or holiday. He realizes excess now and will go, “Oh yeah, I forgot I have all those toys, I am going to play with my Ninja Turtles” or whatever it is he wants to play with. I encourage him to be creative and not watch as much TV, it’s pretty much a split on who wins that one depending on time frames and other random things but I know he has a wickedly funny imagination. He “pretends” a lot. A costume that is one thing can often become something else in his fascinating mind. He got a TMNT costume for his birthday, it a little big, but I have a feeling things are going to get a bit more ninja like for a while around the house.

Did I mention his “aunties” are coming?! This is one of those things I’m excited about because they are my “sisters” and when they boy was born, have been there every step of the way for both of us. Tonight the boy will get to enjoy his mommy and aunties laughing hysterically and having fun. Saturday will be the night we get to stay up late since his party is in the morning. What was I thinking again? Oh yeah get it done and hang out with friends and of course, football! Roll Tide! 

So I am keeping this post short and sweet as this crazy mama needs here energy!

I hope that everyone has a fabulous Friday and an absolutely splendid weekend!

b ninja

 

 

I ended up watching the Republican Presidential Debates – just wow


So I chose to watch some of the Republican Presidential debate. Oh wow. It is a scary thing to view but there seems to be a common thread, they don’t like Hillary Clinton or too many members of the Democratic Party!

Since Fabulously Gracelessness is not wanting to get into a political debate or have folk bash me let me say I am just doing my research for the upcoming elections.

I am watching “the weeding” earlier than I think I have watched in a long time. I am totally fascinated. Of course I had to share my thoughts and observations.

I am the first to admit I do not know all the facts about everything that is going on in this world, nor all of the players who are running for the office of the President of the United States.

I do try to read up and learn more about world issues as well as problems and issues in our own country and my home state.

Watching the debate it is interesting to see how these men and the one woman respect each other, or not. They all cut each other off at times but how it is done and the words they use is different depending who they are addressing, snubbing or if they agree with another candidate, how they respond to them. Their body language and eye contact speaks volume of the person inside. It’s entertaining to see some of them gang up on others. Like they will leap frog over one, a wolf in sheep’s clothing agreeing, smiling, talking nice before they attempt their aggression and sparring amongst themselves. I enjoy watching the ones who can shut the others ones down. I like hearing the ones who truly know what is going on and seem to be respectful to those they are running against.

Of course before I write anything I have to fact check and do a bit of research. So I pulled up the website 2016.republican-candidates.org and the site had crashed. Seriously, so many people were looking it up apparently the site couldn’t handle the traffic, so I went to my trusty Wikipedia. I looked up the people who are running on the republican side, they were on the TV so it’s not like I am disregarding the Democratic Party candidates they were just not on at the moment. After reading about them and watching tonight I have a feeling I will be keeping a close eye on this election.

It’s fascinating to see how some people truly think they have a chance. For some of them I would love to see them get closer, if nothing else to be able to prove their worth or show their true colors. While others I feel are wasting time and shoving out people who may have otherwise had a shot.

I have laughed out loud at some and shouted at others. Seriously I wonder what medication a few were on. My 5 year old tells stories I can follow better than some of the folks running for our country’s highest office. At least follow the path from point A to point B. At first I thought it was me not understanding the topic, however the looks of the other candidates and the commentator made me feel better about that person having no idea what they were talking about.

We live in a scary world. I am raising my child in this world. I was enchanted by politics in my younger years, but was also somewhat rebellious citing “my vote doesn’t count”. I also did not moan and complain about our President like a lot of people did. I still participated in the states and communities lived in but when it came to national matters, I stayed quiet. I have voted in the last 4 elections and still don’t feel like my vote “matters” as much but I feel like I have done something more to help better society by raising my voice and saying “this is my opinion and this person is the closest match to how I feel about things.” Sadly I do feel like I can only chose the lesser of the two evils.

I remember how I would get so excited with the possibilities of the candidates and then when the final election came to pass I felt cheated. Even if the person I voted for (whether locally or nationally) won, I still felt like the ones who would have done a better job were shut out and shut down early on.

2 of the candidates are in my age bracket. That was such a sobering moment for me I actually had a few sips of an adult beverage!

I know I am an adult and I know that this is a possibility but to see it and hear it from the mouths of my generation kind of put a different perspective on things for me.

I have been more active in my community and state in a broader capacity than I ever was before. Maybe it’s my age or the fact I now have a child who will be living in the world we help mold, I don’t know but it scares the hell out of me. I now understand how my parents and grandparents felt and why it could get so volatile in conversations between the Democrats and Republicans in my family.

When in conversations with people I tread very, very lightly on the topic of politics and religion. I have seen first-hand how innocent comments can start heated debates. I have seen people who were friends look at each other with complete disgust due to their opinions and beliefs. It’s just as bad as Alabama and Auburn football feuds but on a bigger scale.

We ALL have different opinions, beliefs and feelings. Some are more personal than others. The problem is we forget our manners, as do politicians, and begin the judging and mudslinging more suited to high school than running for the office of President of the United States.

Maybe as I age I am more cynical but I am not sure that is it.

I truly do have hope. I continue my motto of Keep Hope Alive.

Sometimes hope is all we have.

I am sure I will have a few more thoughts on these topics as the elections continue.

I will keep watching the “weeding” following up to the primaries. It is always interesting and entertaining. Also a bit scary.

Keep Hope Alive!

Have a wonderfully fabulous day my graceless friends.

No control


I realize I have no control.

No control over the weather nor the traffic. I have no control over the actions of others.

I delude myself into thinking I have control of my actions and words.

I have a pretty mask but sometimes it slips.

Falls right off and I don’t even realize it and keep going wondering why folks are looking at me all strange. It is within that moment that I realized the mask has dropped and my innerlogue has strolled out through my face. My mind races to catch up to the last few minutes of life. What did I say, do or how badly did I react to what was being said? The majority of the time I am fairly good at controlling how I react, especially in public. During a crisis or situation I feel like for the most part I handle myself well. Even in small groups with people when something is said or done by others that shocks me or angers me, the majority of the time I can keep my cool.

Yesterday I was with my client in her car, running errands and the battery died when I went to get the car ready for us to go to our last stops. It could be we had them on and forgot they were on and it drained the battery, but we will just go with the battery died.

I had a schedule to keep and was trying to field calls and texts for business and from friends and family. When I am with clients I try to not answer my phone or texts. My time is with them. However, sometimes I have to take a call or return a text. We were already past our standard hours so I took a few calls and responded to texts. For a bit over an hour we waited for the service to come but finally a good Samaritan showed up and got the car started. We had 3 more errands before I could take her home, pick up my boy and meet my friend who had come to visit from NA (Northern Alabama… for those who understand LA is Lower Alabama, see humor in the spaces!) I was flying through those errands like Andretti because I don’t like to be late in picking up the boy no matter how later the center is open and I thought I would be done with my client by 2 or 3 PM and it was going on 4 when we finally got juice back in the car.

And no, I didn’t turn it off at any stop after it was restarted due to fearing I would get stuck again & I couldn’t afford to be any later! I had lost control due to no doing of my own. My client remarked how calm I was and she was more worried than I was. No, I don’t think so. I just don’t show it because I wear the mask of calmness. I have been in enough situations in my life that flipping out on the outside doesn’t always go so well. Inside I am Freaking Out Completely but you do not see it. Sometimes those who know me know I am freaking out but handle it well.

Other times it falls out.

I was so fortunate that the fall out happened with my friend and she understands oh so well my maotic mind and erratic thoughts. It’s like I get with certain people and I know I make absolutely no sense with the word vomit I emit because I know I don’t need a filter. And chances are good they won’t be rushing me to the nearest psych unit to be “checked out.” I’m safe so to speak.

I don’t mean to put a mask on, I truly don’t.

I go through most of my life pretty much uncensored and unfiltered. I also have to censor and filter depending on who I am with. My child, my family and some friends I do not want to “offend”, shock or have them see that side of me. The side that isn’t always pretty. The one that doesn’t have control.

I have realized no one has control. No matter how hard they try, how regimented, organized and meticulous they are, life happens on life’s terms.

Most close to me have seen behind the mask. The loss of control. It even happens in public on occasion.

I don’t really “lose my mind” and flip out on folks. Not much anyway and I’m not a violent person really… other than if you mess with my kid, family, friends or sometimes in traffic if I don’t have the boy I will let words fly. But no violence.

I don’t get into screaming at folks to get my point across, so losing it on someone would involve words, maybe cutting or harsh, but not physically.

I realize I have no control.

I am getting better with it. Accepting it. Learning from it. Embracing it.

And I always Keep Hope Alive.

Have a fabulous Wednesday My Graceless Friends!

 

 

 

OHMERGOSH IT’S ONLY TUESDAY!!


Hello again my fabulous friends!

I hope – OHMERGOSH IT’S ONLY TUESDAY!

I keep thinking it’s later in the week though Tuesday is good too!

This week is the Celebration of my Boy who turned 5 yesterday which means he gets to basically party all week with friends and family. Saturday is his big party at one of those kid places where you may need to take a nerve pill or have a drink before you go… and I scheduled it for that morning because obviously there is something wrong with me! Besides the need to make sure everyone can catch their football game because me and mine love to sleep! Ah-ha no rest for the wicked! That’s it!

When I started blogging, 5 days shy of 4 months; I originally thought I would post several times a day but at least daily. We all have dreams! HA Seriously I did make a promise to myself that I would post at least once a day. Not for recognition, although that would be lovely, but because I love writing and I needed a commitment to do it for myself. No one else nor any other reason.

It isn’t always easy. I have lists and pages of topics to write on. So many things that mean something to me. There are also dates of significance and days that mean something. I seem to be sharing my life more than I thought I would. I do have friends and family that say, “don’t write about this” but also “you should write about this.” It’s is a fine line let me tell you. People thinking it’s about them or others they know, that can be good or bad depending! But it’s my thoughts, my writings, my ramblings and rants. I love it!

I love getting emails from friends, making new friends and getting “followers”, it’s so exciting to me! I am so very thankful and grateful!

That said today I am keeping it short and sweet!

Between the boy, my jobs and writings I have a bit of a full plate today. Of course I love it all!

Don’t’ forget always Keep Hope Alive!

Stay Fabulous!

 

Happy 5th Birthday to My Boy!


photo 2

Happy Birthday to My Boy!

I can’t believe it’s now been 5 years!

You’ve grown so much and I am so proud of you.

You’ve had to deal with life situations most adults can’t handle and you have done it well and grown from it and are better on your life path for it.

One of your favorite things to do is cuddle with me and say, “I chose you and you chose me, I chose you and you chose me” because you chose me to be you mama and I prayed to be your mama.

I cannot even begin to describe how amazing it was to find out I was going to be your mama after being told I couldn’t have children.

I can never express the love I have for you and everything I do and will do for you.

You are an amazing young boy and I love watching you grow and become the awesome human you will be one day.

You are my angel, my miracle, my tater tot and dream come true!

Happy Birthday to the Love of my Life!

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I hope everyone has a fabulously graceless Monday!

Always Keep Hope Alive!

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Staying positive and always keeping hope alive!


Oh what a beautiful mornin’! Oh what a beautiful day! I’ve got a wonderful feelin’, everything’s goin’ my way! *Opening song from musical “Oklahoma!

Do you ever just feel like Finally you can exhale and that no matter what everything will be ok? Yes there are still challenges and battles to face. Such is life. But how your outlook is depends on how it affects you.

inhale let exhale go

I’m known for being somewhat cheery and positive the majority of the time. Scary and weird to me and especially to some of those who truly know me! But I really feel that having a positive outlook, Keep Hope Alive (OTB 2001), genuinely helps you keep positive even when you know you have things you would rather not deal with or situations you know you have no control over, whatever it may be.

I have to stop and really let it go (damn Disney and their songs haha) in order to be able to let myself be free to the stress. Not condoning actions I don’t believe in or supporting something that is against my own personal beliefs, but I have to let the anger go. Let the stress and worry go in order to move forward and overcome the situation or circumstance. Otherwise it will eat away at my core, my soul, and that isn’t healthy for me or for anyone else.

Friends often ask me how I can handle, be friends with, tolerate certain people. They wonder why I give more chances than I should. It’s because I want to believe people, no matter how many times have proven your wrong or hurt you, can change at least for that moment. And if they don’t how I can go from compassion to cold hearted in what seems the blink of an eye.

Everyone has their breaking point. Their line that they consider once you’ve crossed it, sadly it is done and you must then take measures you would rather not take but you cannot keep having a vicious cycle that repeatedly harms repeat itself.

It’s these circumstances, situations I have no control of that I have no choice, in my opinion to KEEP HOPE ALIVE and be positive for myself. I don’t see any other alternatives for me. It’s my choice of how I cope with life.

breathe and release that which does not serve you

Tomorrow is my boy’s 5th birthday. He truly is a miracle. When I think about where I was 5 years ago, the people in my life and the ones no longer here, it is bittersweet. But no matter what I know in my soul I am going to be positive not only today but this whole week. It’s the boy birthday celebration week in my world. My mindset and attitude directly affects him. I believe in letting him learn about life but I am also working to instill in him the sense of hope and peace within himself and learning how to find that own his own. The “self-soothing” techniques all people use.

Remember to breathe.

Remember to always keep hope alive.

“Oh what a beautiful mornin’! Oh what a beautiful day! I got a wonderful feelin’, everything’s goin’ my way!”

Stay fabulous!

stop smile breathe life is beautiful

This is my life and I am not ashamed


Currently I should be getting things done… housework, birthday plans (the boy turns 5 on Monday!), writing, organizing – you know doing whatever it is you need to do. Note I said I should be but at the moment I am not!

No I am still vegging out after another lovely procedure and fortunately not another mis-procedure!

I love how people can look at me and think, “Gee she must be lazy! She looks fine!” Oh thank you so for the backhanded compliment. Why yes, yes I do look quite fine. In fact, for someone with my medical challenges I think I look fabulous!

For a while I have been back and forth with writing about my personal medical challenges.

I follow several amazing bloggers who share their journeys through their blogs (The Tube Fed Wife and The Respiratory Therapist who needed help breathing are two off the top of my head who are damn inspiring.). But because I write about so many topics I wasn’t sure what writing about my own personal issues, then I realized I am not alone. Other people suffer from similar or worse problems. People don’t like to hear about anyone’s suffering or pain. People like me, with chronic pain issues are expected to somewhat “keep it to ourselves” or “don’t share that it’s personal”. Yes it is. Very personal and this is My Blog. So why shouldn’t I talk about something personal to me? Something that affects me on a daily basis?

I am an active crazy mama. I am 44 with an almost 5 year old boy child. I work, clean, cook, play, live. I go as much as I can and often push myself further than I probably should most days. I have pretty severe back issues and just recently was told I need to think about hip replacements. Emphasis on the “s” as in both hips.

I have had back problems since I was 13 and broke my back/tailbone. At the time, it was thought 6 weeks of “rest” and “taking it easy” with aspirin, cold and heat and a bit of “physical therapy” would be just fine. First of all it was summer. One of the last weekends in June there was no way I was going to “rest up” all summer. I took the aspirin, did the heat/cold therapy and went on with my life. I stayed busy for the next several years in sports, gymnastics, tennis, cheerleading, water skiing, soft ball and general activities as per usual for me.

When I was 17 I was diagnosed with migraines. In the late 80’s there weren’t many option for folks who had migraines. There were some heavy duty pain meds and then there were injections. I remember my aunt coming over and showing my mom and I how to inject a needle into an orange over and over. I reminded myself that others had to inject themselves daily and I could do this. The migraines were awful and a few years later they were so bad that I considered going into some sort of program to help with my migraines. Extensive testing showed I was allergic to nearly everything, I mean the results were like a small book of things I should “stay away from” and/or that I was allergic to. I thought of the bubble boy movie. I was not going to let this keep me down. Slowly but surely I took out a large chunk of items that set off my migraines. I could do nothing about the great outdoors or the weather, but I could control the things that tended to make my migraines worse. Having that milkshake during allergy season or when the barometric pressure was no longer an option. It was combinations of items I had to systematically cut back or remove as well. I couldn’t control my hormones no matter how many vitamins, natural teas and supplements I took.

I continued to push my body. I moved so many times I was better than a service for packing, unpacking and lifting. I could pack up a moving truck or van with an efficiency that would make Martha Stewart proud. I moved all over Alabama, then decided to move beyond the borders of my home state. I moved to Florida, Georgia, California, back to Georgia then Tennessee. It was in Tennessee that my boy was born. By then I had been going for 4 years to a specialist for my numerous aches and pains in my back, hips and front. I loved, not, hearing the term “advanced maternal age” while I was carrying the boy. I wasn’t 40 yet come on! I was just thrilled I was having a bebe as I was told I couldn’t get pregnant.

It wasn’t without wear and tear on my body though. Wear and tear I would do 10 times over because life with him is beyond worth it and I will do any and everything within my power to keep moving, keep going and keep up with him!

When I made the decision to move back to Alabama it was not taken lightly. I have family here and the boy’s dad does too. I would be closer to my doctor in GA and my friends too.

It was during my packing that I got the call that my father’s condition had gotten worse. I packed up my jeep and the boy and headed home. I was scheduled to move in a month to help my parents but I knew I was going to see my daddy for the last time. I stayed for 10 days before returning. I buried my father during that time as well.

Once back in Tennessee I continued to work and pack up my home. My close friends, my cousin and her husband helped me get all my belongings loaded up and we managed to move it to Alabama. It took two trips of the big stuff and the final trip a few weeks later but I finally moved back “home”.

I have been battling issues with my back, hips and front pain for so many years the pain is like an old friend. Earlier this year I finally had a total hysterectomy in the hopes of alleviating some of my pain. I feel like it did help. It also set my body into some kind of weird tail spin back and forth. I never know what normal or new pain is now.

I try not to show it. I know I overdo it but my thoughts are do it while I can.

I go at least 4 times a year to “get a tune up” and overhaul my spine and hips. I am in year 8 of this so getting told “think about replacing your hips” truly shouldn’t come as a shock, but it does. I should not be surprised I was given the paper work for a handicap placard but I don’t know if I am ready to do that yet. I mean I still have many good days. I also have days where when I drive to the store and wait for a closer parking spot so I don’t have to walk so far.

I know my battles and my journey isn’t over yet. I know that I won’t give up. I know that every post I write won’t feature the daily challenges I have. Trust me even I don’t like to think about it all the time much less write about it. However, I did feel the urge to share, and apparently share I have.

I hope this shows people that no matter what anyone looks like, acts like you can’t always tell how someone feels on the inside.

I also hope it shows others you aren’t alone. You may not be able to be as active as you want to be but know you are still breathing and still here.

Never forget to keep hope alive and never give up.

Stay fabulous my friends!

 

 

 

 

9/11/01 – I can never forget


never forget 9 11 01

As I started to write my post I remembered the date. September 11, 2015.
It’s Friday. I usually write about happy Friday randomness or whatever strikes my fancy to let flow.
However, I can’t Not acknowledge what this date means to me. How my life and my perspective on life change that fateful day, September 11, 2001, as I am sure it did for countless others.
I have/do write in journals. I keep all of my journals from the past 15ish years close by me and read them randomly. Sometimes they call to me to re-read certain time periods or situations. I feel it is so I can reflect and maybe even learn from them. Or maybe I am to share them.
In January of 2001 I moved to California, specifically the Berkeley area. I lived with my then husband and several friends as it wasn’t cheap living out there, but it seemed so much more “free” in many ways than living in the south. I can’t explain it. I was 30 years old and felt like I needed a new adventure in my life. We had friends out there so why not just go? So we packed up our home, put it in storage and took a tiny trailer and our cat and moved to California. I have read and re-read that journal so many times the cover is starting to fall apart. So many experiences of life and seeing things through a different perspective. Also reading it now 14 years later still blows my mind. One of my favorite books I read that year was the “Tibetan Art of Parenting”. I was into trying to find out who I was and praying for a child. I was also writing but only in my journal. I was stepping outside of my comfort zone, trying new things, meeting new people.
Three days before the fateful events of 9/11/01 I had written in my journal about truly living life and that many things of this world were an illusion. How time is valuable but we don’t always notice it until there is a time limit placed on your life to force you to get on with things.
Direct excerpts from my journal 9/11/01 – please forgive the fragmented sentences:
“AM – west coast – the World Trade Center is no more. Part of the Pentagon has collapsed, terror attack on the U.S. – can’t even think of going into work. No one is. Always knowing your country wasn’t “secure” yet being told it was… I don’t like being right. It’s getting later, almost 11AM here, and nothing as of yet on the west coast. Will there be? Questions. Everyone is jumpy and edgy. News of joy over what happened to the US in Gaza. Now we know what it is like for them.
This has happened before, it will happen again unless we do something.
A dream fragment from being ripped awake this morning by roomie, “weird stuff going on I am sorry you need to get up”.
Flash of a plane, a man of maybe middle eastern decent screaming with “important brass& Showing the world.” Time wasn’t there.
Later – I finally talked to several friends and family on the east coast and everyone is freaked. Fragments of this day pass through my mind. This tragedy of Armageddon is bringing folks together. Over 10,000 dead they are saying… that is horror. Life continues but change has happened. I am drained. I have cried off and on all day. I cannot imagine what it is like for others. The death and destruction. The United States of American has been shaken to the core. I am freaked out, but not terrorized because I cannot let them have my faith, my soul. I am touched by the humanity shown all over the US. The fact we were “impenetrable” was just an illusion. Maybe this was needed. We are far from blemish free.”
Today I feel that no words can articulate how I feel yet I know that I can say 9/11/01 We will NEVER forget.
I know for me the course of my life changed. I know that my prayers and dreams of being a mother finally happened. I know that I was able to do the things in the following pages, “apologize to your parents, send letters and call friends and family and tell them you love them, never give up on your dreams, keep in touch with those you love, never forget 9/11/01 and always keep hope alive.” I know that my dream of writing is happening now. I know I can remind you to never forget.
Sending out thoughts of peace, hope and tranquility,
I remain the Fabulously Graceless Lady Maos

9 11 remember childs hand