No control

I realize I have no control.

No control over the weather nor the traffic. I have no control over the actions of others.

I delude myself into thinking I have control of my actions and words.

I have a pretty mask but sometimes it slips.

Falls right off and I don’t even realize it and keep going wondering why folks are looking at me all strange. It is within that moment that I realized the mask has dropped and my innerlogue has strolled out through my face. My mind races to catch up to the last few minutes of life. What did I say, do or how badly did I react to what was being said? The majority of the time I am fairly good at controlling how I react, especially in public. During a crisis or situation I feel like for the most part I handle myself well. Even in small groups with people when something is said or done by others that shocks me or angers me, the majority of the time I can keep my cool.

Yesterday I was with my client in her car, running errands and the battery died when I went to get the car ready for us to go to our last stops. It could be we had them on and forgot they were on and it drained the battery, but we will just go with the battery died.

I had a schedule to keep and was trying to field calls and texts for business and from friends and family. When I am with clients I try to not answer my phone or texts. My time is with them. However, sometimes I have to take a call or return a text. We were already past our standard hours so I took a few calls and responded to texts. For a bit over an hour we waited for the service to come but finally a good Samaritan showed up and got the car started. We had 3 more errands before I could take her home, pick up my boy and meet my friend who had come to visit from NA (Northern Alabama… for those who understand LA is Lower Alabama, see humor in the spaces!) I was flying through those errands like Andretti because I don’t like to be late in picking up the boy no matter how later the center is open and I thought I would be done with my client by 2 or 3 PM and it was going on 4 when we finally got juice back in the car.

And no, I didn’t turn it off at any stop after it was restarted due to fearing I would get stuck again & I couldn’t afford to be any later! I had lost control due to no doing of my own. My client remarked how calm I was and she was more worried than I was. No, I don’t think so. I just don’t show it because I wear the mask of calmness. I have been in enough situations in my life that flipping out on the outside doesn’t always go so well. Inside I am Freaking Out Completely but you do not see it. Sometimes those who know me know I am freaking out but handle it well.

Other times it falls out.

I was so fortunate that the fall out happened with my friend and she understands oh so well my maotic mind and erratic thoughts. It’s like I get with certain people and I know I make absolutely no sense with the word vomit I emit because I know I don’t need a filter. And chances are good they won’t be rushing me to the nearest psych unit to be “checked out.” I’m safe so to speak.

I don’t mean to put a mask on, I truly don’t.

I go through most of my life pretty much uncensored and unfiltered. I also have to censor and filter depending on who I am with. My child, my family and some friends I do not want to “offend”, shock or have them see that side of me. The side that isn’t always pretty. The one that doesn’t have control.

I have realized no one has control. No matter how hard they try, how regimented, organized and meticulous they are, life happens on life’s terms.

Most close to me have seen behind the mask. The loss of control. It even happens in public on occasion.

I don’t really “lose my mind” and flip out on folks. Not much anyway and I’m not a violent person really… other than if you mess with my kid, family, friends or sometimes in traffic if I don’t have the boy I will let words fly. But no violence.

I don’t get into screaming at folks to get my point across, so losing it on someone would involve words, maybe cutting or harsh, but not physically.

I realize I have no control.

I am getting better with it. Accepting it. Learning from it. Embracing it.

And I always Keep Hope Alive.

Have a fabulous Wednesday My Graceless Friends!

 

 

 

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