Fabulous Friday and dreamin’ of a lazy weekend


happy fridayHere is wishing everyone a fabulously, graceful beautiful Friday!

We have finally made it to the end of the week and I just pray that life decides to slow down, breathe, and Hope that Murphy thing eases up a bit!

After 12 days of being “on” this fabulously graceless lady is going to be “off”… and Murphy started it for me so I am just taking a hint!

deserve a medal friday

They boy and I will just chill for a few days.

Sleep, oh blessed sleep, I hope to get much this weekend! I hope to enjoy the hopeful warmer, sunny weather and also sleep! HA!

look at sky how amazing

At least the boy is at the age where he is content watching movies being lazy if he happens to get up before 9! Hey, I’m honest! I make sure he is taken care of but oh I love/need/gotta have some sleep!

So I’m making it through this day with thoughts of family, love, joy, hope and sleep! Because I have hope and I am fabulous! *these are the delusions I tell myself! Sometimes I even believe me!

tgi fabulous

Keep Hope Alive!

 

 

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The cat, unicorns and rainbow farts


As the boy was at his father’s, when I was writing instead of him I had the cat trying to distract me.

The Cat, is technically not mine, however, she tortures me the most.

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I guess she knows I understand cat so she feels like she owns me.

It doesn’t work out well for either of us.

She jumps *and I shudder* onto my bathroom counter and steals my things or moves them to the floor or other areas of the house.

She finds ways to carry my things, and sometimes the boy’s, down a flight of stairs and into a whole other part of the house.

My pony tail holders are found in her food dish.

She thinks she can get me to come to the dark side and be her slave.

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She is wrong.

Yes, I will love and cuddle on her, yes I will give her treats, but I won’t let her sleep in my bed all night! She has a human to sleep with.

Plus when she does sleep with me, she sleeps on me. It’s bad enough when the boy is in the bed as he has to be touching me. She doesn’t just touch, oh no, she isn’t satisfied unless she is on me. My head, my back, my stomach, she isn’t that picky. I wake up hot and feeling a heavy pressure on me somewhat freaking out.

Usually I feel the weight lift as I rise up and her complaining noise of being moved.

Seems like I don’t care at that point nor does she get to stay in my room.

Although she does follow me around and on occasion she fetches and that is cheap entertainment! She really just enjoys being in my space which is usually somehow touching me.

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I’ve always had animals in my life and since the passing of my beloved Big Love, she decided that she needs to be my dog/cat.

I am so lucky. HA!

Maybe she will not torture me tonight and scratch at my door when I shut it.

Maybe unicorns and rainbows will fly out of my butt too!

unicorns rainbow farts

Keep Hope Alive for a fabulous day!  

 

Thankful for today


Today is one of those days I am just thankful to see another day. Even if I feel exhausted and over whelmed by all of my responsibilities and lack of time, I am grateful to wake up. Even if I move slowly, I am thankful.

I am blessed for every “I love you mommy.” 

I love every kiss and hug he gives me.

I cherish every second of time with my boy even when I can relate to how some species can eat their young.

He makes my life my life so much richer.

He is the best contribution to the planet I can ever make.

The way he thinks and feels leaves me in awe.

I also worry for him.

I worry about things out of my control and things I screw up doing as a parent.

I worry about how things affect him and whether or not I am doing too much or not doing enough.

I worry about him when he isn’t with me.

I worry about him when he is hurt by others and their words.

I know there are lessons I am to teach and lessons I am to be here for him when life hurts him and I can’t control it.

Today I am thankful I woke to his sweet face.

My little miracle boy.

Today I keep hope alive for time with him. It is so precious and goes so fast.

On days when I feel like things are moving too fast, I pause and think about the best thing in my life. Then I smile.

I hope you all have a fabulous day!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

I know your dirty little secrets


You must think you are so smart.

You hide behind your religion.

You hide behind your lies.

You think that you can still manipulate and terrorize like you did oh so many years ago.

We are no longer children.

You have no power.

You post all of your “godly” ways on social media.

You talk about how “precious” your family is to you.

You rave about your love for your kids.

Yet I know your truth.

I know your dirty little secrets.

I know how you turned you back on your own child. How you tried to take their children. You didn’t “approve” in their choice of a mate because they weren’t from “here”.

You thought you could dig up the graves of things long gone.

Haven’t you learned there is no greater bond than those of family? The bonds of those we chose not those we were given.

Haven’t you learned you can’t get your way?

You get older. We all do.

We found our peace long ago.

You will never find yours.

It’s been 20 years.

Did you think you could use pretty words during a vulnerable time in my life?

Did you think I wouldn’t see through your lies?

Do you think we don’t still know each other inside and out?

We know everything about each other.

Everything.

I know your dirty little secrets.

I know your lies.

You need to turn and go.

You have no power over us anymore.

You need to stop before you do something you’ll regret.

Because there are some things you need to just leave alone.

 

Monday’s comin’ for you


move it monday

One, two, Monday’s coming for you…. well actually it’s here whether you are ready for it or not!

On weekends that the boy is with his other family I am usually on call for work. When I first started working being on call was a few calls here and there, but it wasn’t stressful. However, a few months in, more clients and caregivers on staff, it is like a circus.

It also seems like things in my personal bubble can really flair up.

I learned I can still be shocked every once in a while too. That’s good to know.

There will definitely be more detailed posts on the shock factors coming soon. Between people who don’t follow through on their commitments, seeing other’s family dynamics and the consequences of their actions, and someone from my youth thinking they have some sort of power and manipulation over me, I have been surprised today.

I am also going into this week on a lack of rest so that is a guarantee that today will be quite entertaining. I wish you could feel the sarcasm that drips from those words!

One thing I do know is that I am stronger than some people realize. I may be shocked but I am not shaken.

I may gimp a bit but you can believe I am pushing on.

I don’t have to steal others words and use manipulation to say what I need to say. I am an original where others forget how to be. They have become sheep. They are lost in their own delusions.

prison of how others see you

I never forget I am human and fallible. I always remember to Keep Hope Alive.

We all need hope to get us through this day.

Monday, oh Monday, just watch me get through!

Sometimes writing is hard


snoopy

Sometimes I just don’t know what to write.

There are so many things on my mind, in my heart and in my soul.

But I find myself at a loss. I worry that I won’t be able to keep up with the pace I’ve set for myself.

I can’t not write.

Sometimes I am so tired, so worn out, so emotional that I just can’t put anything that makes sense into words to share.

I’m used to not wanting to actually speak. I am not so used to not being able to write. If I have a block on the computer I pick up a pen and paper.

After writing several pieces that were so raw and deep from within, I feel like other pieces become fluff.

Writing is as much a part of me as breathing.

It just happens.

I write so much but there are times when it isn’t meant to be shared with anyone. Or maybe I am just to sit on it for a while.

The words they call to me.

I have to let them out.

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Made it through becoming more me to Friday


hellooooooo friday

I wish you all a beautiful and fabulous Friday!

This week has been a heck of a week and I am thrilled that I have made it to the end of the week alive!

deserve a medal friday

It’s been emotional and stressful but also fulfilling and full of love from my famriends and especially the boy. It has been a week of me becoming more me. That is a very good thing!

never changed became more me

I hope that everyone slides into the weekend with the happiness bug and no broken bones!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

 

 

Raw expectations and perspective


We all have expectations of some degree or another.

Many of us want/wish things would go smoothly and according to plans. If you have been on the planet any length of time you learn that is not the way that it is.

I know that money can buy many things, even make you happy for a time… did you know you can hire someone to hold your umbrella, your place in line and even carry a child for you?

What it can’t buy is true feelings of happiness deep down in your soul.

So many times we place far too much value on material items. We place expectations of our happiness on material things or things that are so far out of our reach but we are taught to reach for the stars. We forget about the lesson of what happens when we do not get what we want.

I often see people going through the motions of happiness but they are not truly happy. Maybe they are happy in some ways but not fully at peace with who they are. They feel they need more “stuff”. Maybe it isn’t the “stuff” that they need but the intangible peace that can only come from within.

I know sometimes if I get too comfortable in my own skin it becomes uncomfortable and I search for ways to stretch my creativity and my mind. I need more, but it isn’t always about material gain. If that is a by-product of the changes I choose then I consider that a bonus. I obviously have to maintain a certain criteria in order to take care of myself and the boy.

I know that there are so many times I feel that I fail to meet the expectations of others. As well as the expectations I set for myself. I feel like I can be too stubborn, too strict, too hard, too blunt, too much of all the things I should ease up on. Then I argue with myself on if not me, who will? It can become a quiet hell in my mind. On the outside, I actually appear sane and having it together. Inside it is like Armageddon and the end of the world as I know it.

The need to do good and what is right is never in question. It’s the road to getting there that can get narrow and long. It’s going about it my way when others have their perceptions of how I should be doing it. Not that there is always something wrong with their way or that I can’t see the benefits and may even incorporate all or some of their suggestions. It is when I chose what I feel is best for me and mine and I am chastised like a child or someone tries to put me down because “they know what’s best”. Maybe they do know what’s best, but I can guarantee that that don’t know what is best for me.

One of my favorite lines is “finding my way lost.” I heard the term and wrote on the line into my poems over 20 years ago. It still resonates within me all these many years later. When I first wrote on it I was in my early 20’s. I had certain perceptions of how life “should” be and how I could make it into how I thought I wanted it to work. I was so far off the mark as to how things should be and what paths I needed to take to get there. However, in taking that detour in my life, it broadened my perspective of not only me, but the wider world.

Sometimes life moves so very fast, it’s like it goes in slow motion for a short while and it is back on the train to crazy town. Your dreams either happen, change forms, or are tweaked to reflect your inner changes. Sometimes you aren’t able to achieve certain dreams. You can let that define how you go forward by wallowing in your own self-pity (been there). Try moving forward in a new direction. I’m not necessarily sure it’s the direction you need to be going but it needs to feel right. I recommend this one over the self-pity. Not that self-pity doesn’t have its moments but that is all, for me, that it needs to be is moments. I can’t get caught up repeating the same thing over and over for years and not getting anywhere close to where I want to be.

I dreamed of a family. Not only the family I was born into, but a larger, happier, crazier family mixed with both the biological and those who chose to join me on this journey. I dreamed of children, a partner to share it with, and always, those I deem famriends – friends that are family.

My famriend family is amazing. I have those I have a DNA link to as well as the other amazing humans that I have met on this incredible journey of life. People I will have in my life in some form or another until the end of this life’s journey.

I was blessed with one amazing miracle that chose me to be his mama. I was also blessed with several “nieces and nephews” prior to the boy’s arrival to help prepare me for when the time was right.

Not every part of my dream was like I expected it to be. Sometimes it was more than I could take and pain, despair, depression and misery took over. They occasionally make their appearance but I now know how to deal with them.

The best part is that I am still here, writing my story with every breath I take. I am responsible for loving and showing another human being how to start their own journey. I hope to be with him for many years but I know that whatever time I have with him, he will always know what love is and he knows how to find happiness. I pray I have the time to teach him how to nurture that and help him grow into the young man he will hopefully become.

We never know what tomorrow brings, so try and share yourself with those you love while you have the change.

Look at life from a different perspective. Step out of your comfort zone, if only a little bit. Take a chance and live! Share the joy, compassion and love with the world. Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all just made the effort to try to be kinder, more patient and understanding every day?!

These are the raw thoughts that have been on my mind. These are the things that keep me going. These things and of course, the amazing people that I share my life with.

Keep Hope Alive!

 

The snowflakes let me know you’re with me always


sno in al

Snowflakes fell and they made me think of you.

When I was little and it snowed, we always enjoyed playing in the snow. You would find ways to make it even more fun for me than the winter wonderland it was already.

It doesn’t snow much in our area of the world, but you always made it special.

It was so fitting how it snowed the night before your funeral. The land blanketed in white beauty. We even went out and played in it for a bit. Why not enjoy what I know you would love too?

It snowed yesterday, the day you died. It didn’t blanket the earth, or cover anything really. All I saw was beauty and the flakes like angels all around me.

I know you sent it to remind me of how you’re still with me always.

Every time I see snow I think of you.

I remember catching snowflakes when I was little with you. I remember dressing up and going on grand adventures. I remember you showing us how to maneuver in the snow and cold. I remember you teaching me to drive in the snow. I remember so many things about you.

dad n b

Snowflakes fell again today I know you’re here with me.

I always Keep Hope Alive.