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Falling down but I get back up, sometimes slowly

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

sometimes find self in middle of nowhere

I fall down and get back up.

I make mistakes and try to learn from them.

I don’t want to get caught in the repetitive cycle of repeat, yet I find myself doing that at times.

It takes more than one cycle for some things to get through my thick skull.

I may get down, I may get depressed but I lose hope.

sometimes life repeats ntil u learn

I may remove myself from people and situations that are toxic for me but I don’t give up. I see it as doing better for me.

People have advice, opinions and “how it should be done” to offer me. I do appreciate some of it. Other opinions not so much.

Ultimately it is up to me to find that place in my mind and soul that holds my peace.

I make some doozy mistakes. I accidentally hurt feelings when I don’t mean too.

I am completely human.

It is during my times of climbing back up that I find who can take me and who can’t. I have learned I am absolutely okay with that.

sometimes people not change mask falls off

If someone can’t accept me for me and handle me when I drop my basket, and I realize sometimes there is a Lot of crap in my basket, then they can’t handle me. I can respect that.

I am not perfect.

I am perfectly me. Fabulous Gracelessness.

Have a fabulous day and Keep Hope Alive!

Happy Birthday to the Passion Twins

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

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Happy Birthday to The Passion Twins!

Yes today is the day that the Pisces Passion Twins made their way into the world 40-ish years ago and the planet hasn’t been the same since.

Yes JO, the mothership will come back for you one day. I hope today is not that day because we are long overdue for another visit. Preferably without detriment to your health!

JU I hope someone other than you sister cleans your home and waits on you hand and foot and yeah… I know. It’s a birthday dream that you pray will one day come true. The older we all get, the harder that is to accomplish! Of course the lottery would help greatly with this so maybe your man and I will play again and win this time!

Sometimes in life you are fortunate to meet extraordinary people that when you see each other, you immediately scream for joy because you know you’ve found a kindred soul. The bonus is when said kindred soul has a twin that you instantly connect to when you finally meet them. You just know it.

For me that started when I met JO, the “elder” of the two by mere minutes. That whole, “when our eyes met” thing was totally on but in a different way. We instantly bonded. We were instantly chatting and planning to visit. Not normal for either of us.

When her twin, JU, moved to town with her husband and son a few years later, it’s been “on” ever since!

Being best friends with twins is definitely not boring. Nothing ever is with these two! I always feel like I am the third sister and we’ve actually had several folks that thought we were triplets. I said even the devil wouldn’t be that evil to let all of us share a womb… 2 was enough!

I hate we are no longer in the same city so we can’t CELEBRATE! HO-LI-DAY! like we have for over 10 years. My gypsy travels moved me around and up until my son was born, I always went back to celebrate no matter what was happening. Even after I had him I went, but this year I couldn’t go at even a before or after week.

So I choose to celebrate two absolutely fabulous humans on their birthday by writing about how awesome they are and how lucky I am to know them.

These are the women who are artist, musicians, mothers, wives, friends, daughters, sisters and all around fabulous humans.

They make me laugh and have been there for me when I needed them, which has been a lot! One will tell you she doesn’t “do people” anymore yet she finds a way to see me every time I come to town.

When I got pregnant, they threw my first baby shower and “Better you than me!” was written on the cake! It was funny because it was so true. We all three had one male child and none of us wanted more. It was odd to see the boys I helped raise as teenagers holding my tiny baby though. Of course we took a ton of photos because there were our first boys with what we all knew was the last boy.

Through all the years, the laughter and tears, the diapers, potty training, changes of life, loss of friends and family, we are there for each other.

Today I celebrate their lives.

To the Passion Twins!

May all of your dreams come true and may Raul finally be your hot personal servant for all eternity, squared of course so there’s one for each of you!

Keep Hope Alive for a fantastic day filled with fun, laughter and a whole lot of well wishes!

I love you both so much, my sisters from another mister!

 

Wants, needs and desires

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

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Lately I’ve been observing what I want, what I truly need and the things that I desire in my life.

I have been making a conscious effort to basically pick apart my thoughts, words, actions and deeds. I have been hard on myself as it is a painful thing to do, if I am being honest.

Seeing how I can be or can be perceived can tear at me in such a way it can leave me speechless.

Hearing how I sound at times when I communicate with others, once played back, can be looked upon as poor or plain miscommunication. Either way I know that in several relationships I need to work on conveying how I am feeling, not how I want to feel. Because if I am honest, I don’t often let people in as deep as I am due to the fact that I feel that if they truly saw ME they would run away and I would never hear from them again. It does happen. This I know.

I know that I am working to get my groove back since I started working full time plus outside of the realm of mommy, writer and homemaker diva.

I lost my crown a while back in case anyone was keeping score.

I have flaws but it’s odd that even when I state that for the record, it gets lost until I finally screw up enough that an attempt to toss it back at me ends poorly for all involved. I admit my quirks and imperfections. Take me or leave me but don’t act as if I have hidden them.

One of the things I now work into my life equations is the boy. Parenting is an amazing responsibility.

Before I had him all my thoughts, dreams and impulsions were much easier and I didn’t have to go with the flow I could swim against the current if I chose to do so. I can still swim against the currents, but I have to think about the other life I am responsible for. I have to choose what is not only best for me but him too.

Am I making it harder on me by choosing the easier path? Have I become a cop out?! Only I can answer those questions.

Only I can truly determine what I need versus my wants and desires. Something I do not take lightly. I can’t.

As I do daily, I am examining more closely me.

I try not to be so harsh on myself.

I always keep hope alive!

Take a moment, breathe…take today

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 1 Comment

imagination run wild

Please take a moment.

Take a breath.

Today is a new day to find your own way.

Today is yours to do with what you may.

Remember that your actions and any of you deeds, will be sure to come back to help or hurt you, some say in threes.

Try to make peace with you self and your life.

I know it can be hard as there’s joy and strife.

There are so many emotions strewn in between the fabric of my life and the belief in things unseen.

My journey is filled with challenges as well as moments of pure bliss.

I can truly say that my experiences thus far have lead me straight to this.

A moment in time, the right time of year… I feel everything that’s dealt to me and I’ve cried a thousand tears.

I’ve realized the times I treasure and focus on the more than before.

Just when I think the waters are calm the storms being once more.

Then I stop and breathe and remember my heart.

I only have to find the place in my soul.

I am not alone.

No one is alone unless they chose to be.

I do not have control over anyone but me.

I will keep my dreams alive and do my best to all of those I love and know they accept me for who I am.

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Fabulous, graceless, flawed, crazy, loving, full of life and hope, caregiver, mother, imperfect, friend, daughter, sister, broken in places, aunt, flake, human be-ing evolving constantly.

Above all always remember to keep hope alive!

 

Life, adventures and wicked sense of humor

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

imagination tinkerbell

It seems like life has a wicked sense of humor. Or either I have a really skewed perspective. One of the two but I haven’t figure it out yet. It’s fine by me right now.

I am just trying to survive at this point! It’s been a bit of a maotically challenging week. Who am I kidding? It’s been stressful, exhausting and draining. My body hurts more than it has in ages and all I want to do is sleep.

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I have so much to do so I decided the boy and I are going on an adventure today… I am sure I will need medications and maybe a scooter to get through it. Sometimes it can be hard keeping up with a 5 year old boy when your body is falling apart. However, I will not give up that easily.

See?! My pity party only lasted seconds… more or less!

My motto is always keep hope alive!

I hope we all get through this day with a little faith, hope and pixie dust!

Art courtesy of the boy *African art which he translated into a zombie art project with the zombie spiders along with he and I… he’s so creative and his teacher was impressed with his imagination and color choices!

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Fabulous Friday and dreamin’ of a lazy weekend

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

happy fridayHere is wishing everyone a fabulously, graceful beautiful Friday!

We have finally made it to the end of the week and I just pray that life decides to slow down, breathe, and Hope that Murphy thing eases up a bit!

After 12 days of being “on” this fabulously graceless lady is going to be “off”… and Murphy started it for me so I am just taking a hint!

deserve a medal friday

They boy and I will just chill for a few days.

Sleep, oh blessed sleep, I hope to get much this weekend! I hope to enjoy the hopeful warmer, sunny weather and also sleep! HA!

look at sky how amazing

At least the boy is at the age where he is content watching movies being lazy if he happens to get up before 9! Hey, I’m honest! I make sure he is taken care of but oh I love/need/gotta have some sleep!

So I’m making it through this day with thoughts of family, love, joy, hope and sleep! Because I have hope and I am fabulous! *these are the delusions I tell myself! Sometimes I even believe me!

tgi fabulous

Keep Hope Alive!

 

 

The cat, unicorns and rainbow farts

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

As the boy was at his father’s, when I was writing instead of him I had the cat trying to distract me.

The Cat, is technically not mine, however, she tortures me the most.

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I guess she knows I understand cat so she feels like she owns me.

It doesn’t work out well for either of us.

She jumps *and I shudder* onto my bathroom counter and steals my things or moves them to the floor or other areas of the house.

She finds ways to carry my things, and sometimes the boy’s, down a flight of stairs and into a whole other part of the house.

My pony tail holders are found in her food dish.

She thinks she can get me to come to the dark side and be her slave.

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She is wrong.

Yes, I will love and cuddle on her, yes I will give her treats, but I won’t let her sleep in my bed all night! She has a human to sleep with.

Plus when she does sleep with me, she sleeps on me. It’s bad enough when the boy is in the bed as he has to be touching me. She doesn’t just touch, oh no, she isn’t satisfied unless she is on me. My head, my back, my stomach, she isn’t that picky. I wake up hot and feeling a heavy pressure on me somewhat freaking out.

Usually I feel the weight lift as I rise up and her complaining noise of being moved.

Seems like I don’t care at that point nor does she get to stay in my room.

Although she does follow me around and on occasion she fetches and that is cheap entertainment! She really just enjoys being in my space which is usually somehow touching me.

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I’ve always had animals in my life and since the passing of my beloved Big Love, she decided that she needs to be my dog/cat.

I am so lucky. HA!

Maybe she will not torture me tonight and scratch at my door when I shut it.

Maybe unicorns and rainbows will fly out of my butt too!

unicorns rainbow farts

Keep Hope Alive for a fabulous day!  

 

Thankful for today

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ 3 Comments

Today is one of those days I am just thankful to see another day. Even if I feel exhausted and over whelmed by all of my responsibilities and lack of time, I am grateful to wake up. Even if I move slowly, I am thankful.

I am blessed for every “I love you mommy.” 

I love every kiss and hug he gives me.

I cherish every second of time with my boy even when I can relate to how some species can eat their young.

He makes my life my life so much richer.

He is the best contribution to the planet I can ever make.

The way he thinks and feels leaves me in awe.

I also worry for him.

I worry about things out of my control and things I screw up doing as a parent.

I worry about how things affect him and whether or not I am doing too much or not doing enough.

I worry about him when he isn’t with me.

I worry about him when he is hurt by others and their words.

I know there are lessons I am to teach and lessons I am to be here for him when life hurts him and I can’t control it.

Today I am thankful I woke to his sweet face.

My little miracle boy.

Today I keep hope alive for time with him. It is so precious and goes so fast.

On days when I feel like things are moving too fast, I pause and think about the best thing in my life. Then I smile.

I hope you all have a fabulous day!

Keep Hope Alive!

 

I know your dirty little secrets

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

You must think you are so smart.

You hide behind your religion.

You hide behind your lies.

You think that you can still manipulate and terrorize like you did oh so many years ago.

We are no longer children.

You have no power.

You post all of your “godly” ways on social media.

You talk about how “precious” your family is to you.

You rave about your love for your kids.

Yet I know your truth.

I know your dirty little secrets.

I know how you turned you back on your own child. How you tried to take their children. You didn’t “approve” in their choice of a mate because they weren’t from “here”.

You thought you could dig up the graves of things long gone.

Haven’t you learned there is no greater bond than those of family? The bonds of those we chose not those we were given.

Haven’t you learned you can’t get your way?

You get older. We all do.

We found our peace long ago.

You will never find yours.

It’s been 20 years.

Did you think you could use pretty words during a vulnerable time in my life?

Did you think I wouldn’t see through your lies?

Do you think we don’t still know each other inside and out?

We know everything about each other.

Everything.

I know your dirty little secrets.

I know your lies.

You need to turn and go.

You have no power over us anymore.

You need to stop before you do something you’ll regret.

Because there are some things you need to just leave alone.

 

Monday’s comin’ for you

~ gracelessnessover40 ~ Leave a comment

move it monday

One, two, Monday’s coming for you…. well actually it’s here whether you are ready for it or not!

On weekends that the boy is with his other family I am usually on call for work. When I first started working being on call was a few calls here and there, but it wasn’t stressful. However, a few months in, more clients and caregivers on staff, it is like a circus.

It also seems like things in my personal bubble can really flair up.

I learned I can still be shocked every once in a while too. That’s good to know.

There will definitely be more detailed posts on the shock factors coming soon. Between people who don’t follow through on their commitments, seeing other’s family dynamics and the consequences of their actions, and someone from my youth thinking they have some sort of power and manipulation over me, I have been surprised today.

I am also going into this week on a lack of rest so that is a guarantee that today will be quite entertaining. I wish you could feel the sarcasm that drips from those words!

One thing I do know is that I am stronger than some people realize. I may be shocked but I am not shaken.

I may gimp a bit but you can believe I am pushing on.

I don’t have to steal others words and use manipulation to say what I need to say. I am an original where others forget how to be. They have become sheep. They are lost in their own delusions.

prison of how others see you

I never forget I am human and fallible. I always remember to Keep Hope Alive.

We all need hope to get us through this day.

Monday, oh Monday, just watch me get through!